‘Batman V Superman’ Is Still Just One Movie

Posted by Photo Boy

Henry Cavill recently shot down rumors that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was getting split into two movies because that was all horseshit except for confirmation that Doomsday will be the final battle. I’ll pause here so you can clean the pee off your Joker sheets from that exciting revelation. Okay, we’re good? Good. Since Fish has been making me cover these, I’ve realized there’s a specific process to comic book movie rumors, and it’s this:

1. Shove naked human woman off of you and read it breathlessly after receiving Google alert.

2. Tell her to leave and you’ll call her (you never will). Go online and dispute every detail of the rumor based on your intricate knowledge of people named Cyborg and Doomsday.

3. Group reply to sexts from three days ago, invite them all over, whoever arrives first wins (just kidding, you’ll do them all together). In the meantime, recline comfortably in video game chair waiting for rumor retractions to roll in.

4. Pay for abortions with money earned from knowing everything about comic books.

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Photo: Ali Arikan