Batman V Superman Won Comic-Con

If you spent your weekend outdoors and/or interacting with other humans, you’re probably blissfully unaware that Comic-Con happened. Or at least you were until you saw this post where I don’t shut up about the 800 superhero movies coming out in the next year, and it in what ways they made me feel funny in my pants. It’s going to be really great.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

The marketing for Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice has been an uphill battle that wasn’t done any favors by its first trailer that not only leaked early but was a goddamn joke within hours. On top of that, it was up against the unstoppable hype machine for Avengers: Age of Ultron which is a movie almost everyone’s forgot about by now, but we’ll get into that in the Ant-Man review. Anyway, with the Marvel Cinematic Universe bowing out of Comic-Con, it was DC’s show to steal, and fucking shit, did they pull it off. If someone told me on Friday that by the next day, I’d be pulling down my Underoos and bending over for the new Batman V Superman trailer, I would’ve laughed in their goddamn face. This is the trailer they should’ve led with (except for Jesse Eisenberg) because it’s finally the proper DC movie universe people have been waiting for (except for Jesse Eisenberg). Literally everything about it (except for Jesse Eisenberg) makes up for the grim-dark joke of a first trailer (except for Jesse Eisenberg), and I’m going to barrel roll into the next section before I start rambling on about Jason Todd and Zod/Doomsday and might as well become a eunuch.

Deadpool

Deadpool Comic-Con

By almost every account, Deadpool fucking killed at Comic-Con except all of those accounts are by people who were there and got to hear Ryan Reynolds make horse porn jokes after a boring ass Fantastic Four panel. I wasn’t there and can’t watch an official trailer, so it goes below Batman V Superman. Also, if one does show up, that’s an easy post later today or tomorrow. CHA-CHING.

Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad Trailer Comic-Con

Much like Deadpool, Suicide Squad reportedly had some awesome footage, but none of it is officially available online because movie studios still have no fucking clue how the Internet works. But these words are just as exciting, right? It’s like a movie in your mind!

[Ed. Note: Just kidding! Here’s the official footage. – SW]

X-Men: Apocaylpse

X-Men Apocalypse

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, X-Men: Apocaylpse had some some really great Comic-Con footage, but you can’t see any of it online unless you like watching a shaky mobile video where you can’t hear shit? Although, you can see Chris Hardwick in a selfie with the whole cast which will really get those kids Snapchatting their reddit peeps with the deets goddammit I’m old.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Despite having an immediately available online Comic-Con reel (above) that completely dominated Friday, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was almost completely forgotten by Saturday afternoon when everything I’ve talked about so far happened. And I guess you could say that takes the piss out of my argument about putting Comic-Con trailers online, but it’s Monday and I just made one available that you can watch right now. On top of that, it’s almost an entire video devoted to how badly George Lucas fucked up the prequels by using CGI for everything (along with writing and directing them). It would’ve been less subtle if the entire cast yelled, “Fuck Jar Jar Binks” into the camera.

Old Man Logan

Old Man Logan

Hugh Jackman all-but-announced his third Wolverine movie will pull from the Old Man Logan storyline which is a fucking badass arc except the entirety of the Marvel universe is essential to the plot, and Fox only has access to 1/5th of that which basically means it’ll just be a movie about Wolverine being really, really old. And yet I’d still watch that. What the hell else am I going to do? Meet people? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four

Just to drive home what an absolute disaster Fantastic Four almost definitely is, Fox tossed the cast up on stage for a short-as-shit panel, rolled a quick trailer, and then not-so-subtlely broomed them off to make room for Deadpool and X-Men: Apocalypse where they pulled out out on the stops (Read: Channing Tatum). On top of that, Fox stopped the film’s 3D conversion in its tracks barely three weeks before its release. That’s fucking bad.

[Ed. Note: And here’s the final trailer to confirm everything I said about Fantastic Four sucking glaringly absent rock dick. – SW]

And thus concludes The Superficial coverage of Comic-Con 2015. You now have information that will never be of practical use to your life, and more importantly, a greater appreciation for how much I waste mine. It’s breathtaking really.

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Photos: DC/Warner Bros, Instagram, Twitter, 20th Century Fox