The Black Guy’s Still The President Exactly Like Effeminate People Who Know Math Predicted

November 7th, 2012 // 247 Comments
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Thanks in no small part to Jon Hamm‘s penis stumping in Colorado, Barack Obama and his “Chicago-style politics” were run out of town last night by the American public, except no wait, they weren’t. He was re-elected president to a resounding symphony of white butthurt. So if you’re a Republican who actually thought this was going to turn out differently, here are a few pointers for your party going forward:

1. Minorities and women can vote. I know you just assumed their masters would keep them at home, but somehow they escaped and voted against you, so maybe not shit all over them next election. They’re very crafty.
2. Math wins every time. Even if you call people who use it a faggot, Dean Chambers, you fucking moron, it still exists in this place called reality where facts live. You should visit sometime.
3. Stop saying things like “failed social experiment,” or at least have the balls to say what you really mean which is, “This is what happens when you let a nigger be president.” Also, for the record, what happens is he wins the popular vote again because Americans like his policies and white men are the minority now. (On that note, prepare your women for the “harvesting.” A local member of The New Black Panthers will be by to explain.)
4. Distance yourself from FOX News, Donald Trump and pretty much anyone who thinks rape babies are a gift from God unless he gives you a different gift in the form of a magic secretion that shuts the whole thing down.
5. Mitt Romney didn’t lose because his campaign was “too classy,” he lost because America actually got a glimpse of his true form, and it hates 47% of the population for having the audacity to be poor. You’d just assume that’d be a winning strategy, I know.

All that said, congratulations to Chris Christie in 2016. Because if there’s one thing Americans excel at, it’s voter apathy after four years of economic prosperity. USA!

Photo: Getty


  1. Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardenal

    Did someone say math?

    I love nerds.

    And congrats, Obama.

  2. Ann

    Just write jokes and stay out of politics. You suck in this register.

  3. Kimberly

    And the Market continues to drop post-win…

    And of course Obama won easily. He already got a hold on the 47% who want to continue freeloading. Maybe in his second term, Obama’s “legacy” will forever be a fucking joke just like Bush’s.

  4. Me

    My God reading the disgusting Libs comments on here is terrifying. I didn’t think people could be so stupid. Definitely the untermensch. I wish searing death to you all and your children, thanks for facilitating that the other night.

    • Jesus Christ, Mitt, way to lose graciously. Strap a dog to the roof and drive nonstop to Canada, you’ll feel better in no time.

      And if you aren’t Mitt, then you’re welcome – we facilitated shoving you out of the way of the falling Republican piano of increased defense spending with no tax increase to pay for any of it, and no way to cope with the bloated interest on the debt resulting from the earlier drunken credit spree that Dubya ran up.

      So my wish for you is that if (you notice I say “if”, which is more than you did) your daughter gets raped, that she gets immediate access to the morning after pill at the pharmacy of her choice, without some druggist deciding his religion won’t permit it. And if she’s too late, then she gets to make a choice about whether or not she wants an abortion, at the clinic of her choice, without anyone shoving a punitive sonogram rod up her vagina first and then lecturing her about how her secret secretions would have kicked in if she’d really been raped.

      You can send us the thank-you note later for her not having to suffer idiocies and indignancies like this, as well as for being allowed to have those rights to choose.

  5. Jesse

    As a conservative (already 50% of you hate me)… I think I, along with my political positions, are constantly misrepresented. If you think raising taxes on everyone will fix everything… fine, we can talk about that… but first, quit wasting money.

    1. Why are Senators and Congressmen paid for life? Especially since most of them become surprizingly rich while in office…
    2. Quit bankrolling companies. If people really want a Prius or a Fisker… they will go buy one.
    3. How much money do we just give away to all the countries all over this world?
    4. The abuse of the welfare/food stamp programs. If you need help, I get it. However, if you are on welfare… you don’t need Starbucks, vacations to Hawaii, trips to casinos, big screen tvs, etc. What you need is a job application, which they can never seem to find.
    5. Free schooling and medical care(by free… I mean taxpayers pay for it) for illegal immigrants. There is a legal way to come to this counrty… try it, then pay taxes like the rest of us.
    6. Stop the wars… or nation building as it should be called. If they don’t want us there, and don’t appreciate being liberated for a brutal dictator… just leave… Billions saved right there.

    These are just a few of the many ways in which this country is wasting money. Stop wasting money, then if you need more revenue (taxes), we can talk about it.

    Now as a conservative.. I don’t give a shit about gay marriage, I’m not trying to put black prople back in chains, I don’t want to put women back in the kitchen, I don’t want oil flowing in the rivers, and whatever stupid fear mongering stereotype you’ve been spoon fed by you talking points and media.

    I do, however, know that over taxing doesn’t work. Especially if you do nothing about spending. Watch the news… read some history… This printing money eutopia can’t last forever… and when it’s over… we become Greece and collapse.

  6. Mr.fknhappy

    You voted for it, you got it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Soon we will all be waiting for “gub’ment” handouts, fkn idiot liberals.

  7. screwliberals

    “Math wins every time.”

    Remember you said that when the economy collapses under the weight of $1.6 trillion in yearly deficit spending. (Prediction: it will be $2 trillion before he leaves office.)

    I can’t believe America is this stupid. But since it is, it deserves what’s coming.

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