Balloon Boy’s parents are in some shit

October 18th, 2009 // 75 Comments

Falcon Heene, now known as Balloon Boy until the day he dies, might be getting a new mommy and daddy. His parents Richard and Mayumi Heene are facing charges of conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and false reporting to authorities after the Sheriff’s department raided their home last night to determine if the Balloon Boy fiasco was a hoax. It was. MSNBC reports:

“It has been determined that this is a hoax, that it was a publicity stunt and we believe we have evidence at this point to indicate that this was a publicity stunt in hopes to better market themselves for a reality show,” Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden told reporters at a press conference.
Deputies searched the home of the boy’s parents Saturday night, carrying away several boxes and a computer.
“Needless to say they put on a very good show for us,” Alderden said during the news conference Sunday. He said the first clues of the hoax came during the family’s interview by Wolf Blitzer on CNN Thursday night. The young boy said “you said we did this for a show” when asked why he didn’t come out of his hiding place.
Falcon got sick during two separate TV interviews Friday when asked again why he hid.

Since the incident, Robert Thomas, a former assistant of Richard Heene’s, gave an interview to Gawker that revealed Falcon’s dad was planning to use a UFO-like weather balloon to generate publicity for a reality show which he would then use to warn the masses about lizard people. I’m not even joking:

But he was motivated by theories I thought were far-fetched. Like Reptilians — the idea there are alien beings that walk among us and are shape shifters, able to resemble human beings and running the upper echelon of our government. Somehow a secret government has covered all this up since the U.S. was established, and the only way to get the truth out there was to use the mainstream media to raise Richard to a status of celebrity, so he could communicate with the masses.
As the weeks progressed, his theories got more and more extreme and paranoid. A lot of it surrounded 2012, and the possibility of there being an apocalyptic moment. Richard likes to talk a lot about the possibility of the Sun erupting in a large-scale solar flare that wipes out the Earth. It got to the point where he was really pressing me, saying we’re running out of time, we’re running out of time, the end of the world is coming. And we have to take necessary precautions to make sure that we’re not among the majority that’s going to be killed.

At this point we can only wait and see how much more batshit shoots out of this situation, but it’s safe to assume there’ll be charges coming for Jon Gosselin. No, seriously, I wondered how he could be so stupid to steal $200,000 from his joint account with Kate and now I realize it was to fund this entire debacle so he’d no longer look like the most retarded dad in America and women would want to touch his penis again. Occam’s razor, people.

EDIT: In case anybody missed it on Thursday, posted the Heene boy’s “Not Pussified” video after the jump. These kids are going to grow up awesome.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Willie Dixon

    I concur: big props for the Occam’s razor reference.

  2. Heene family = future welfare recipients

    check out their you tube videos when they were on wife swap and the three brats made a “music” video– these parents should have never have been allowed to reproduce. Talk about feral children…

    These two assclowns are raising three future potty-mouthed mall shooters, the father is a hot-headed psychopathic freak, and the wife is a subserviant, loudmouthed idiot. This incident will not be the last time we will be hearing from this family…

  3. Mike = Mongoloid

    @50: Their “music video” talks about throwing rocks at faggots. That sounds real liberal, you retarded fuck. But, hey, thanks for making conservatives look like the party of uneducated asshats. Good looking out.

  4. zuzuspetals

    Conservatives *are* uneducated asshats- well, there are a few who may be educated, but they are still stupid. Conservatives are the segment of the population with IQs below 100- actually, probably below 90. That is why Sarah Palin still has a 40% approval rating- it’s the people with IQs below 90 who, unfortunately, are allowed to vote even though they believe in stupid shit like creationism and Noah’s Ark and starting wars and forcing adolescent girls who have been raped to carry a successful raped-induced pregnancy to term. The biggest problem with conservatives is that they are so fucking stupid that they really have no clue *how* fucking stupid they are. And if you point to the fact that the vast majority of scientists, geniuses, Nobel Prize winners, and other intelligent and inspiring people are liberal- or if you point to the fact that Bill Clinton turned Bush Sr’s budget deficit into a surplus and that BushCheney turned this country into a pile of shit swarming with flies- conservatives will start babbling as stupidly and incoherently as Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter. And that’s how it is.

  5. Surrealcirce

    OMG!!!! LOL!!!!! I haven’t laughed so much in such a long time: this story was hilarious enough (seeing the father crying on TV) and now the Reptilian angle . . . Love the comments too! The “Lego toupee” HAHAHAHA Unfortunately I’m in alot of pain and will be paying for all this gut-wrenching laughter in the very near future :(

  6. Blech

    @ #54. Ditto.

  7. stevo101

    this douche has been watching to much myth busters.

  8. stevo101

    this douche has been watching too much myth busters.

  9. Albin Bainbridge

    This guy named his son Falcon. That just may be the worst thing he’s ever done.

    @ 54

    Believing the majority of Republicans are stupid is stupid. Not as stupid as believing reptiles rule a hollow earth, but still pretty stupid.

  10. FACE

    Worthless punk ass kid with terrible parenting wasting tax payers money. If this was a black family, they would have been jailed already.

  11. phynxxy

    What?? You guys can’t do that with your arms or legs? Bunch of non flexible humans!

  12. sexchill

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  13. joe

    the name Falcon, hehehe nothing but a bid for attention……here’s some real names, not nicknames, from my nephews soccer league…….Maverick,Knowledge,King(yes, King),Colt, Beta, Gardener, Kyoti Reminds me of a “Seinfeld” episode where George picks out the name “Seven”and someone steals it.
    The name “Doctor” sounds pretty good….an advanced degree from birth.

  14. KK

    Looks like a Vulcan, ” live long and prosper”, Falcon

  15. Rhialto

    The name ‘elf boy’ wouldn’t be inappropriate as well.How about getting him a decent haircut?!

  16. Sauron

    As a publicity stunt this would be as much successful as firing accidentally a nuclear missile.

  17. Oliver Chester The Molester Lester

    I hope his new parents don’t have carpeting because this kid is going to yack up alot!

  18. Max Planck

    People who call themselves zuzuspetals are morons.

    Even if every time a bell rings an angel get its wings.

  19. V

    Falcon will be fine now that he’s launched his online music career:

  20. Winnie

    Wow, um… Did those of you who actually believe this whole “lizard society” and a hollow Earth study in your science classes? The Earth is made up of layers, SOLID for the most part: the Crust (basically the surface), the Mantle, and the Outer and Inner Core. That’s what causes magnetism, the inner and outer cores. So study up, and don’t give people crap about a hollow earth and reptile people.

  21. Jenny

    Isn’t this what Tom Cruise believes? Lizard people and such?

  22. yowillie

    Make the bastards pay for the search, then take the kids away. Maybe spend a few years in the slammer. Bubba would like the Daddy…

  23. yowillie

    Make the bastards pay for the search, then take the kids away. Maybe spend a few years in the slammer. Bubba would like the Daddy…real tears then.

  24. I agree with all those opposed: I watched that balloon travel all over Colorado with my heart in my throat… It was a publicity stunt?

    People, I despair in this time of no jobs, lack of personal responsibility, ball players/CEO’s/golfers/reality show assholes/ etc… making millions while I can barely pay my bills.

  25. lol, no surprise here..

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