So Three Days Is An ‘Age’ Now? A Review of Avengers: Age of Ultron

Welcome to The Superficial review of Avengers: Age of Ultron, a movie about a Robot Man building a Robot Man who builds another Robot Man while everyone fights an army of Robot Men and then totally forgives the first Robot Man for making the second Robot Man – even though he almost destroyed the entire earth – because the third Robot Man turned out pretty fucking sweet. Also, hammer jokes.

WARNING: Lots of spoilers because none of them matter and/or were broadcast a mile away.

The Shit That Worked

Right off the bat, Captain America doesn’t look like this:

Captain America The Avengers

That? That is fucking awful. If I hadn’t watched, Avengers: Age of Ultron, I’d call it a masterpiece based on that alone. But I did watch it, so now I have to write a bunch of words about how underwhelmed I was because, goddammit, did this thing cripple under its own hype. But not without a fight.

The Shit That Kinda Worked

Basically all of AoU fits under this section because by no means was it a bad movie, it just wasn’t anywhere on par with Guardians of The Galaxy or Captain America: Winter Soldier which is surprising because The Avengers are supposed to be Marvel’s crown jewel – and Joss Whedon it’s wunderkind – and yet everything about this movie felt just barely good enough. (I’m actually nursing a theory right now that Joss Whedon is sick of the MCU because he’s made some pretty interesting remarks the past few months.) It still has the quips, and significantly more action, but Photo Boy described it as watching The Avengers again on cable. You know what’s coming, but it’s just entertaining enough to not change the channel. And maybe everyone just remembers the first Avengers too fondly, myself included, and expects to love the sequel because the first one made a billion dollars. Instead, AoU delivers a “serviceable” story with minimal impact even when it’s moving the larger franchise MacGuffins around, but mostly just saying their names out loud for once. I mean, fuck, the whole thing’s called “Age of Ultron” even though he’s around three, maybe four days. That’s a weekend, not an age. I don’t go around saying the “Age of I Went To Chipotle And Mowed The Yard.” That’s assholery.

The Shit That Shat

If the movie had a subplot, it was proving that Hawkeye is a necessary component to the The Avengers team despite every single thing about Hawkeye screaming he’s just some asshole with a bow. Not to mention the 800 jokes to that effect that even Hawkeye makes about himself because Hawkeye knows he’s useless. Except the argument AoU uses to prove his worth is, surprise, Hawkeye had a secret family on a farm this whole time. I have no idea what we’re supposed to do with this information except for throwing up in our mouths when his pregnant wife says, “I don’t mind your avenging.” Meg Rayburn deserves a Rayburn quote! Also, what a horrible waste of Linda Cardellini, you bastards.

And if you’re thinking to yourself, wait a minute, isn’t Black Widow just as useless? One, she’s crazy awesome at spying which three movies have now established while Hawkeye’s abilities have yet to expand past Katniss Everdeen. Two, apparently she can give the Hulk a boner and make him change back to Bruce Banner without smashing her skull. Where was Hawkeye on that one?

Moving on, a lot of the reviews I’m seeing are bemoaning the fact that AoU spends too much time setting up future movies in the Marvel franchise, but it honestly does very little of that. Almost to a fault because once the whole thing wraps up, the “Weekend of Ultron” barely has any resonance. Especially for an event that’s supposed to kick off Captain America: Civil War because at the end, Steve Rogers and Tony Stark practically say “I love you” and literally do say how much they’ll miss each other. It’s like Marvel is still afraid to turn Tony into the full dangerous asshole he’s meant to be. In fact, all of the dark, awesome shit the Internet told you was going to happen in this movie, never happens. Nobody significant dies – Including Hawkeye even though we’ve established he sucks. – the Hulk isn’t shot into space to start Planet Hulk, and Thor isn’t in Asgard jail. The only thing that does happen is we see the MCU version of the New Avengers which are 95% characters we’ve already seen in other movies who could’ve easily replaced Hawkeye at any time. I mean, at least give him a gun if he’s going to be there. Just one fucking gun. Sonofabitch. And the post-credit kicker? Also, none of the cool shit you heard on the Internet. Unless you count a character you’ve already seen picking up a glove you know is coming. — Thanos. It’s goddamn Thanos again. Just in case you weren’t underwhelmed enough.

Bottom line, in case I didn’t make it clear enough, Avengers: Age of Ultron is an okay Marvel movie that’s better than its predecessors in some areas – No time wasted introducing the characters. Captain America doesn’t feel like a throwaway character. Scenes don’t look like they were shot to be an ABC pilot. – but falls short because we’ve already seen way too much of the same thing by now. It’s spectacularly unremarkable save for maybe Paul Bettany’s Vision, but definitely James Spader’s voicework. Again, I’m not saying it’s a bad movie. Just don’t go in expecting to have your socks blown off or to see earth-shattering changes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe because Cap and Iron Man practically hug at the end. Hug.

GRADE: Half a Hulk-boner.

Photos: Marvel