Randy Cappuccino

I'm an adult with a real job who spends his time at work talking about what kind of poop Kim Kardashian makes. My favorite color is green. I have a cat named Vanessa Carlton. My left hand is a little bigger than my right, but only I notice it. I like to play board games, and I enjoy listening to disco music in the shower. I call blueberries "sweet beans" and pistachios "wood clams." I cry before sex. I cry during sex. I cry after- let's just say I cry a lot. If you're interested in going on a date with me and live in the continental United States, please message me on MySpace and we'll chat.

Read more from Randy Cappuccino

Kim Kardashian Makes Up ‘No Jewelry Policy’ For New House

You hear that, you Parisian jewelry thieves?! THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE!! More »

Paris Hilton Is Engaged to That Guy Who’s Not a Billionaire

Actor Chris Zylka is practically a hobo compared to her other former fiancés. More »

Good Morning, Iggy Azalea’s Giant Cold Sore

What a pleasant suprprise, so nice of you to stop by! More »

Today’s Links Brought to You by Whatever Is on Meghan Markle’s Head

I think it’s a gourmet chocolate… or a poop hat. Could go either way. More »

Lewis Hamilton Told His Nephew He Was “Weird” for Wearing a Dress

Shaming a little boy for wearing a princess dress in front of millions on Snapchat… What could go wrong? More »

Izabel Goulart and Kevin Trapp Are Both Better Looking Than You

I probably ate half of an 18 pound turkey yesterday while these two did supermodel stuff on a Caribbean beach, so yes… I do have self-confidence issues. More »

Paris Hilton Built a Night Club in Her House

This koala thinks it looks like a tacky Tim Burton nightmare but he’s too much of a pussy to say anything to her face. More »

Hugh Hefner Isn’t Giving Inheritance to Kids Without Sobriety Test

The Playboy fortune, built on hookers and blow, is not to be spent on… hookers and blow. More »

Maria Hering’s Flotation Devices Seem to Work Well

In case of emergency, take your face and place them between the flotation devices and go “BLURARURUAR” like a motor boat.

… Ah, man. We’re havin’ fun today. More »

Amber Heard and Elon Musk Are Billion Dollar Banging Again

I guess Amber Heard changed her mind and decided to re-secure her spot on that doomsday space rocket… yes, that’s a double entendre. More »

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