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R.I.P. erection. I will miss thee

Wow, Garrett Hedlund got chubby. Also, why is he in a bikini?

I love it when people get surprised about getting pregnant. “Wait, sex results in…offspring? No way! Oh you liberals with your science and stuff.”

Anyone else think the title of this post should be: “I’VE GOT A GOLDFISH…oh, I thought we were talking about shit that doesn’t matter.”

Jesus, if I was this broad, I would try to steal…I don’t know…The Hope Diamond or Fort Knox? Why? Because even if I got caught, I’d still get a plea bargain that didn’t include jail. This isn’t star power. Robert Downey can vouch for that one. This is boob power. Pure boob power. I rest my case.

Me: Sleepover?
Olivia: Not a chance
Me: I read the Superficial
Olivia: So you’re gay?
Me: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh…sure?
Olivia: Well then, I don’t see the harm
Me: (mental fist pump)

Thank you Superficial Writer. Thank you.

Why is Alf crying?

Sex with Snooki gives you HIQ. Yes. HIQ.

(touches God’s boob)

And you are correct.

On a serious note, I’m sad to see them break up. I’ve gotten the chance to know both of them personally and it kinda makes me further question the institution of marriage.

Seriousness aside, and since I’m anonymous…yeah, he totally banged Blake Lively whilst wearing his Green Lantern outfit.

Ryan: “Lemme show you the hammer.” (wink)

It’s okay though ScarJo. I’m single and there’s more than enough room in my parent’s basement for the two of us. Some say living with your parents in your 40′s is…well…a bad thing. I call it being “family” oriented. See? I’m already winning points ;)