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Cockblocked again! I’m gonna see if JLH wants to spend a weekend at my place eating her way through several acres of red velvet cake to find the three rings I’ve hidden there. If I’m lucky, she’ll be too blissed out by all that chocolate to care that they’re two shower curtain rings and a push-tab off a beer can.

Good luck with that -the handjobs and cake were HER idea. She could teach MBAs tricks when it comes to being an entrepreneur. I’m the one doing the market research, she’s not paying rent, so I’m on the losing end – although I do admit I rock a mean pimp cane. Jason Isaacs has nothing on me.

Hell, I pause it so I can savor that douchebag Billy Zane getting shot in the mouth wth a flare gun. If you actually want Kidman flat ass, no body double, see Eyes Wide Shut.

God dammit, TomFrank, you had to go and ruin it, didn’t you? I almost had kimmers convinced that I could provide her with an alternative to Witness Protection, selling cake and sexual services out of my guesthouse.

Do you have any idea how much people would pay for a red velvet handjob? Well, neither do I, offhand – but market research is the fun part of any job. I was literally five minutes away from her frosting that moist little fucker when your post blew (sorry) everything out of the water. Now she’s negotiating a book deal and a personal appearance tour.

You owe me, bigtime.

It has to be lowering to actully go to the trouble of writing any number of witty and entertaining posts every day, only to realize the sad fact that part of your readership are dribbling idiots who just look at the pictures and can barely connect them with the heading.
“Hurr durr, I know I seen these pitchers before, stoopid Fish writer, he got it wrongs!”

Sadly, people like Scott (who, if they had any gray matter whatsoever would probably use it as a doorstop) also seem to be blessed with an almost preternatural ability to breed and vote. Fuck you, Darwin, you were wrong.

No, it’s not – think of it as voluntering to give her a chemical peel. If she’s gonna stick to that “I’m 17″ crap she’ll need it.

Be careful, cheap plastic cracks like a motherfucker.

What the FUCK? They “find” Nick Stahl and all of a sudden everyone else who wasn’t missing also pops up to check in? Hint: if we’re not filing a missing person’s report, we don’t fucking care about you.

And you might want to consider that if you do jump up and start calling attention to yourself – and I’m looking at you, Spencer Asshole Pratt – that hitman I hired has no more convenient excuses to postpone the job.

And going by your posts, you look like a fucking moron. But don’t be defensive about it. Being a fucking moron is a part of nature. It’s about time everyone accepted it. It would save everyone a lot of grief.

FYI, I can assure you that your family already knows, so when you come out don’t waste time in trying to break the news to them.

Christ, that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Ride on, mcpoop!