CreepyThinMan reviews….The Dark Knight Rises….
What a horrible, fucking wretched pile of stinking shit this movie was. By the end I was relieved it was fucking over. You can tell that not only did Nolan not have a fucking clue as to what this movie was supposed to be about, it’s clear that he didn’t give a shit. Not only that but after all that fucking BULLSHIT about this being the “finale” they might as have well put up a fucking TO BE CONTINUED… at the end just to give the cocksuckers at Warner. Brothers an open door for a fucking sequel.
Where to begin? The incredibly sloppy pacing. The Overabundances of characters that added nothing to the overall story and who could have been cut out to make this ass numbing garbage go a bit faster. No themes, no subtext, FUCKING NOTHING that warranted my time wasted on this fucking trash. What a fucking letdown, especially after what they managed to accomplish with The Dark Knight. This movie is completely fucking redundant.
Nolan didn’t have a fucking clue what he wanted this movie to be about. Batman Begins was about FEAR! TDK was about Order, Chaos and Chance which was symbolized with Batman, The Joker and Two-face. TDKR was about putting money into Nolan’s fucking bank account. I’ve complained about BB being to “comic bookish” but TDKR is soo fucking generic it’s unbelievable! After the breakthrough of TDK, Nolan has made a Batman movie with a plot soo fucking clichéd that it makes the “fear toxin dispersal” of BB seem like fucking Shakspeare. There’s a bad guy, he has a nuke, Batman saves the day, BUT WAIT, is he really dead?!? The femme fatale with a heart of gold. The love interest that’s a back stabber. BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!!!
Nolan fucked this in soo many ways it boggles the mind. And to those of you who say “but, but, but, the final 30 minutes are the awesomz!!!” FUCK YOU! There is soo much inconsistent fucking retardation that I don’t know where to begin and those final 30 were fucking snoozville unless you ride a fucking shortbus and haven’t seen that type of conclusion at least a dozen times in your life.
8 Years Later – Why did this need to be set that far in the future? Why is Bruce Wayne’s body gimped out? He was only Batman for A YEAR and even though he took a beating, 8 years and the best medicine in the world would have healed him, especially if he hadn’t of been Batman for that time.
John Blake – A fucking useless character who was there only to set up sequels with him as Robin. I wanted to see GORDON AND BATMAN in action! Not some fucking rookie cop. Fuck JGL and the horse he rode in on. Oh and I loooove that look on his face when he shoots and kills the MEN WHO INTENDED ON MURDERING HIM as if “no, guns bad, I done wrong!”. You’re not a ninja Blake, stick to the bang bangs you fucking pig!
Mathe Modine – Whose characters name I couldn’t even be bothered to look up as he’s yet another fucking useless bitch who takes time away from what’s important.
Miranda Tate/ Ra’s al Ghul daughter – Fucking useless love interest who was obviously set up as a literal backstabber. Tell me again, she sets up the scenario where she has access to a nuke and wants to destroy Gotham but why exactly didn’t she just set the fucking thing off considering that she had a fucking death wish and was prepared to die to avenge her father. Speaking of which, even with her dead and Batman believed to be gone, what’s stopping the League of Shadows from trying to destroy Gotham again? The League isn’t tied to one man or his fucking family. If they’ve been around for centuries then I’m sure the efforts of a costumed billionaire aren’t going to stop them.
Bane – What a piece of shit, even when I could hear him through his fucking gimp mask, which was only about half the time. The character FUCKING SUCKS and all Nolan did was make him a generic thug with a few extra braincells who crushed skulls. Oh and how awesome was it that he basically engineered a takeover of the ENTIRE CITY and conveniently Jim Gordon left a fucking letter of admission about the truth behind Harvey Dent’s death to really rile up the rabble as though it makes any difference to criminals. What fucking difference did that make AT FUCKING ALL?!? They still would have been freed and tore through Gotham. Again, since Miranda Tate wanted to nuke Gotham what was the fucking point of trapping cops in the tunnels and spending months if not YEARS setting up explosives to trap them. You know, for someone portrayed as viciously brutal, I don’t quite understand why Bane would trap all of the city’s cops and not, say, gas them all to fucking death like rats. Talking about gas, I noticed that they didn’t even bother to explain what that fucking mask was for except that he couldn’t breath without it. Except that he could when Ra’s al Ghul found him in the prison with a cloth over his mouth. What did the other prisoners do to him? Fuck his piehole soo many times that he couldn’t take in fresh air?!
There is just so much stupid fucking shit in this fucking movie!
Catwoman – Could have been used well if Nolan wasn’t soo fucking obsessed with “realism” that he sucks the life out of everything. What exactly was her storyline? She was being used to secure Wayne’s fingerprints in exchange for a clean slate by Bane? Got conned and then turned good guy to help Wayne in exchange for the same stupid plot device; some sort of software that can erase your identity, unless it’s been recorded on PAPER I guess?! Catwoman’s moral ambiguity was always the backbone of her character and made her contrast with Batman. That’s her strength. But she was basically a pawn between Bane and Wayne. Oh and how nice that she killed Bane FUCKING DEAD because Batman’s “moral code” prevents him from doing so. Except for when he killed Harvey Dent to save Gordon’s kid. I guess Jimmy’s cumstain was more important than the lives of 12 million people who could have been easily saved had Batman not been a fucking PUSSY!
Batman – I know the he’s against murder but considering the fucking scale and scope of the crisis on hand, you’d think he’d make an exception and start wasting motherfuckers when you take into account that Bane’s men have killed who knows how many fucking people not to mention threatened the lives of everyone in the entire city. The thing about war is that morality is a liability because the people who you seek to defeat might not have such high minded ideals about the sanctity of life and wouldn’t think twice about killing you. In this case Batman’s refusal to kill makes him look like a fucking idiot. It’s not heroic, it’s stupid. But at least in the end he didn’t actually have to “sacrifice” anything as he was able to sit at a table half way around the world without being recognized so that he could exchange a meaningful glance with Alfred, his trusty manservant who had been with him since birth and who Bruce had fired because he had burnt the letter Rachel had left for him which woudn’t have made any fucking difference. Really, if Wayne had read “Sorry Bruce but Harvey Dent’s got a huge cock and licks my dripping wet beaver real good like a child being given an icecream cone on a hot sunny day!” how would it have affected things? He’d still be a miserable little bitch boy billionaire as always. Oh and he didn’t seem to have a problem jumping into bed with Miranda the second that he found out that Rachel was a lying whore and wasn’t going to wait for him. True love my ASS!!!
This terrible movie will sit in the dustbin of history with the other miserable examples of 3rd Times the Harm alongside X-Men 3, Blade 3 and Spider-man 3. I’m soo fucking pissed right now! That cocksucking limey fuck Nolan had four motherfucking years to make this movie and this was the best that asswipe could do? Too busy jerking off onto his IMAX cameras which should be shoved up his fucking asshole post haste! “IMAX this and IMAX that BLAH BLAH BLAH”, yeah, too bad you didn’t spend as much time working on the fucking script you overrated cunt! What’s clear throughout all of this is that fuckface was less interested in making a Batman movie as he was turning Batman into James Bond. We all know of Nolan’s fixation with Bond but unlike Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, where he managed to merge his interests together by brilliantly using the Batman mythos to convey theme’s and subtext, in the case of The Dark Knight Rises Nolan has not only shit the bed but flooded the whole fucking house with a river of diarrhea, loosening its foundation and sending it floating down the street over the edge of a fucking cliff!
Suffice to say I didn’t like this movie.
Except for the bitches as this is the first movie Nolan has made where he hasn’t cast a single fugly woman in any role.
re: Hey, Natalie Portman. Zup? (41 comments)
Did they ge ILM to CGI those titties because this little Jew bitch ain’t got nothin but bee stings.
It’s because the studio’ are controlled by mrketing scum whose only goal is to rebrand everything and re-sell it as if movies were Coco-cola and McDonalds.
There are TENS OF THOUSANDS of great books out there that would make excellent movies but Hollywood is spending WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH today. You can’t be isky of innovative when 150-300 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS is on the line.
But the REAL problem is that the studio’s don’t want to make smaller movies on a lower budget because that does nothing for the stock holder scum who only want to see their paper spike; so this is why Hollywood would rather spend 150-300 mill on a generic piece of shit than, say, making 10 movies for 15-30 milllion dollars.
It’s economic insanity but the genius MBA Harard/Yale wankers know better, don’t they…….
“Batman 7: The 30 Minute Bowel Movement”
I believe that was called Batman & Robin.
Unless Warner Bros. is smart enough to hire Paul Dini and Bruce Timm (Batman The Animated Series) to co-script it with The Wachowski’s and then let The Wachowski’s Direct, I’ll pass on this blatant attemp to cash in on The Avengers success.
Most likely they’ hire some fucking script monkey like Roberto Orci/Robet Kurtzman/Damon Lindelof and then some fucking hack like Brett Ratner, McG or Paul “What Script” Anderson to Direct.
re: It's The Trailer For 'The Canyons' Starring Lindsay Lohan As Pretty Much Lindsay Lohan (36 comments)
Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Hardcore) and Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho, Less Than Zero) are the only reasons I’d watch this.
re: 50 Cent Is Tired Of These Motherf*ckin' Masturbaters On This Motherf*ckin' Internet! (59 comments)
I think it’s more of a sin to perform at a 13 year old girls bah mitzvah for 500K when her father manufactured faulty equipment for the US military.
re: Lindsay Lohan Arrested In New York For Pulling An Amanda Bynes (65 comments)
FUCKING DIE ALREADY YOU WORTHLESS CUNT!!!
re: Rihanna Kissed Chris Brown At The VMAs (33 comments)
Hopefully next time he’ll kill her fuckin ass and spend the rest of his life getting coke can cocks crammed up his shitter
re: Mayim Bialik at The Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences' Performers Peer Group Cocktail Reception (14 comments)
The Olsen twins were fucking ugly children on one of the worst TV sitcoms of all time who grew up to be fucking fugly looking little simians. One of whom killed Heath Ledger.