Audrina Patridge in a bikini

As some of you know I turned 30 on Sunday, so last night I decided to mark the occasion by turning myself into a walking projectile vomit machine who announced to an entire bar “I think this jukebox gave me AIDS.” True story.

On that note, I’m taking my first sick day in years to recuperate, but my fine sober partners below will be more than happy to satiate your wanton thirst for gossip.

The Superficial will return to its regularly scheduled programming tomorrow where hopefully I’ll write better jokes than whatever the hell happened in that OJ post.

See you in the morning!

Photos: FHM