Audrina Patridge of The Hills, and more importantly this bikini post, flashed her panties while getting out of her car over the weekend. I don’t like to acknowledge Audrina’s existence or any other “stars” of The Hills and, to prove that, I’m going to post an internal memo that’s shooting around our office. Consider this a “behind the scenes” look at The Superficial:
MEMORANDUM
TO: The Superficial Writer
FROM: The Superficial Writer
RE: The Hills and the asshats upon which it contains.
Henceforth, no person of questionable celebrity from the MTV show The Hills will be posted on The Superficial without meeting the strictest of guidelines. This applies to Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad and the other people whose names will never be important enough to remember. In fact, I’m embarrassed to know the four I just listed. On to the guidelines:
1. Fake jugs must be prominently displayed in a bikini. (See: Heidi, Audrina. Don’t see: Lauren.)
2. Panty flashification.
3. Sex tapes – but only if clip is provided. The Superficial retains the right to not air clip if it shows Spencer’s penis. (Edit: The Geekologie Writer and the science dept. has classified Spencer’s penis in the same category as unicorns: Totally fucking made up.)
4. Toplessness.
5. Bottomlessness.
6. Something really unbelievably awesome happens. i.e. Heidi gets hit in the mouth with a space shuttle, Lauren does something that doesn’t put me to sleep, Audrina’s eye unwonks itself, etc.
If none of these conditions are present, the existence of the aforementioned asshats will be denied. In essence, we’re now in the business of doing God’s work but with an eye towards boobs. Ha! You just got pwned, Big Guy.
END MEMO
Randal | June 2, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Well, this is certainly not very lady like, especially coming from Audrina. She should seriously know better and take a few cues from Heidi Montag on how to behave in public.
I’m not impressed.
Randal
butterfly | June 2, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I don’t know whose dress is worse in those pics! Blech
Nicole | June 2, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nicole | June 2, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.funderpants.com | June 2, 2008 at 4:17 pm
those stripes are hot!
Brey | June 2, 2008 at 4:18 pm
She needs eat something… I can see her entire spine.
Randal | June 2, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I so agree with you butterfly. That pink laced layered dress does nothing for the young lady wearing it and takes away from her form, creating the illusion of a walking lamp shade compared to a fashion statement.
Audrina seems to be going the all black route but has forgotten how to compliment herself with color, which only makes the eye focus on her bright pink friend, which is the last thing one wants to do.
Can’t do much. Some folks in the industry thing that because they’re in the industry, no matter what they wear, they’ll look great.
Take it from me, it doesn’t work that way when a camera captures you.
Randal
ph7 | June 2, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Everything about her says high maintenance.
veggi | June 2, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Excellent pose – btw, was she able to pull the turtle head back in and make it to the porta-potty?
associated | June 2, 2008 at 4:29 pm
almost
Trott Felipe | June 2, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I’m Trott Felipe and I fucked her. Look it up on wikipedia or google or Prodigy.
Ted from LA | June 2, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Well spoken Randal. Your cosmic wisdom affirms my suspicions that there may actually be a God (although one more focused on the small coordinative details rather than the big picture like keeping the planet healthy and performing corrective measures on his chosen specie that is doing the damage).
I love you. Will you be my valentine 365 (have the shadow rulers taken away this holiday like they took away chirstmas)?
Wet smoochys and bottoms pats and lollipops and gumdrops for the fellas. OOOOHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
lulu | June 2, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Out of all the hills characters, i like this girl. She doesn’t starve for attention like that whore Heidi. Plus, she’s the prettiest :)
Jimbo | June 2, 2008 at 5:12 pm
@11 Big deal Brian. I fucked her too.
Superevil | June 2, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I wonder if she takes it in the butt.
laura 23 | June 2, 2008 at 5:24 pm
To steal from Nicole, ahem:
Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Who fucking cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jimbo | June 2, 2008 at 5:32 pm
@16 What about you Laura? Do you care?
Ted Mosby | June 2, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I think I saw a lobster crawl out of there.
grobpilot | June 2, 2008 at 5:52 pm
“Heidi gets hit in the mouth with a space shuttle”? That’s fucking funny.
my comment | June 2, 2008 at 7:46 pm
firstly, flip flops are NOT shoes, bitches!
and never, ever wear them with a skirt or dress.
D | June 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Those stripes remind me of the 5-flavor life-saver rolls I used to eat when I was a kid. And similar to said life savers, I want to wad up those panties and shove them in my mouth so I can savor the sweet flavor of her cunt. Yeah, like I’m the only one…
whoa | June 2, 2008 at 8:08 pm
OC Dee, is that you at #21?
britney's weave | June 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm
@20, um, yeah, if you’re under thirty, flip-flops do qualify as shoes.
Deva | June 2, 2008 at 8:25 pm
No camel toe this time?? What a waste of a post.
Me One | June 2, 2008 at 9:12 pm
YOU FOOLS, THOSE ARE BIKINI BOTTOMS!!
your comment | June 2, 2008 at 9:39 pm
@20 – no tattoos? no flip flops? what a sad bitter existence you must be leading…
ellen | June 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm
shes fat
HuckyDucky | June 2, 2008 at 10:38 pm
#15, great post.
Ted, your post sort of devolved a little. You been drinking?
I’ve changed my mind about this chick. Not interested any more.
HuckyDucky | June 2, 2008 at 10:39 pm
#23, I liked you yesterday. No you’re making age comments. There’s a few of us out here that are not under 30.
Ted from LA | June 2, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Not me HuckyDucky and I haven’t been drinking.
HuckyDucky | June 2, 2008 at 10:43 pm
That’s supposed to be “now”.
And I wear flip-flops every day, so I guess they are shoes to me too. Actually, mine have pretty much disintegrated, so all I do is stick the thing between my toes and let them flop around.
So mine are mostly just “flops”.
Warren Piece | June 2, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Gimme a “C”. Gimme an “A”. Gimme an “N”. Gimme a “K”. Gimme an “L”. Gimme a “E”. What does that spell? My pet peeve!
jenna | June 3, 2008 at 12:00 am
UNWONKS itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shit i messed my pants.
GG1000 | June 3, 2008 at 12:56 am
At least she’s wearing them, unlike most of the other “flashers” who end up on this site.
Packinwood | June 3, 2008 at 1:18 am
Ever notice how chicks nowadays have the biggest, crustiest, skankiest clown feet you’ve ever seen? It’s like their all training for the circus.
sarah | June 3, 2008 at 3:18 am
dude she so obviously did NOT mean to flash anyone she just got out of the car at a weird angle
omg seriously thank GOD i am not followed around by a camera crew all the time! they would totally catch me–and everyone else here too btws–at completely unflattering angles that make us appear to be something were not… whatever that is. all im saying is its totally unfair and weird (bc hello it was like two seocnd thing???) that this would permanently affect anyones opinions on anything, anyone. this chick from the hills accidentally got photofraphed bending at a weird angle where u can see her fucking panties… wtf ever. i hope nothing gets published of my fucking pubes nor yours
gotmilk? | June 3, 2008 at 9:49 am
since when do flip flops not qualify as shoes?
HuckyDucky | June 3, 2008 at 10:44 am
That’s what I thought Ted. God damn fucking trolls.
my comment | June 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm
to #26.
Hardly. I have clean unmarked beautiful skin and wear real shoes.
Dr Dan | June 3, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Kinda cute, but I reckon you could split logs on that crotch
Yo | June 3, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Very good memo! Made me laugh a lot.
lahdeedah | June 3, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I had the same underwear from VS….like 4 freakin years ago!!
hey, number 20, | June 4, 2008 at 6:43 am
also known as number 40,
FUCKING SUCK IT, YOU DUMB CUNT.
ps, would LOVE to see heidi montag get hit in the face with ANYTHING.
Kate | June 4, 2008 at 12:04 pm
That’s victorias secrets underwear, repulsed that I have the same ones…
plastique | October 9, 2008 at 11:52 pm
@37, oh yeah, I’m sure she was completely unaware that about 75 paparazzi were out there ready to take that picture. I mean, wear a skirt that climbs up your ass when you breathe, sit or walk, and why would you think that any guys would notice?