Ashton Kutcher writes world’s most idiotic article

August 30th, 2007 // 85 Comments

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didn’t just explode because you read the phrase “Ashton Kutcher writes,” check out his pearls of wisdom as reported by People:

On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”

On complementing your man
“Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”

On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.


  1. jrzmommy

    On a man’s place in relation to a woman
    “Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”


  2. chimpy

    #8 he fucked her doggy style too lol little ho.

  3. Malffy Hernandes

    Ashton’s trademark is dresses like a red neck truck driver, why is he giving fashion advise?

  4. Cheif Wiggum

    That’s a very compelling story Mr. Jackass, let me just type that up on my imaginary typewriter.

  5. Haaaaa!!!!!!! “Tell your man he looks like Tony Montana”…..fucking Scarface? Ah sure, ghost writer for Ashton (he is still working on coloring)……didn’t Tony have the hots for his sister? His gold chains get splattered with blood at the end? Ah yes, ghost writer…….SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!!!!!!!!

  6. Clementines

    Demi Moore is one special ‘moth’ a and Bruce is joyous it’s this guy’s problem now..

  7. Me

    Man, perfect example of ‘this is your brain on drugs’. What a pussy he is, Demi certainly did a good job of whooping him into submission, now he gets a gold star…ick!

  8. Cowgurl

    Ashton IS cross-dressing when he dresses like a man. He can never pull off “dirty and rugged” or my skirt for that matter!

  9. Xtina

    Umm, so no one notices the kid has his tongue pretty firmly planted in his cheek, huh?

  10. Frick!

    God, I used to think Ashton was the hottest man in the world…until he hooked up w/ Demi. A couple in love is a nice thing to see, but he is just plain pussy whipped, ick. I like my man with some balls, thank you.

  11. Stephanie

    I think he’s just going by the women he’s dated and who he’s married to… and it makes sense in a way. I think it’s cute and funny. Also, he used to be a model, he’s not just Kelso. (but I love Kelso)

  12. Viking Jeremy

    For someone who popularized the trucker hat, one of the most insanely stupid sartorial trends imaginable, this douchenozzle should say nothing when it comes to fashion/style. Retard.

  13. BlohansDeviatedSeptum

    The only thing worse than being unfunny is trying saitre and having it turn out unfunny, nicely done Asston. how’s that movie career coming along?

  14. smegma

    Judging by those quotes, Demi has been pounding him up the ass for quite some time now. I always assumed that to be the case – if he’s actually interested in regular hetero sex, why do it with a middle-aged abs of steel East-German-swimmer-voiced woMAN?

  15. Mr. Grammar Person

    “Complementing” your man? Who wrote that?

    Complimenting your man, with an “i” in the middle, is what he’s talking about. ComplEmenting your man is the same as “Accessorizing.” As in, the new Gwen, as seen in these bikini shots, would complement my bed quite nicely…

  16. sexty-six


  17. Driving me Crazy


  18. Sporty spice cowgirl

    Did you hear about that one game where the #68 scored?

  19. Ashton's next writing

    What does a man do in this position?

  20. Cowgurl

    with a name like Ashton Kutcher (get it–Cootcher?), I wouldn’t be surprised if he had vagina.

  21. Aurora

    I feel safe in my own fucking company. I don’t need a guy that most likely pisses his pants every time his personal trainer makes him do abs instead of buns. What a stereotype. I wouldn’t fuck James Bond, unless it was Daniel Craig and he was tied up in my basement with a gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass. Ohh we women only care about shoes. I don’t care about shoes. Fuck shoes.

  22. Spanky

    Ashton is a fag name. no offense fags.

  23. Italian Stallion

    So is Spanky, no offense Spanky………

  24. Italian Stallion

    I’m just surprised Butch Coolidge hasn’t knocked him the fuck out yet……….

  25. Frick!

    #71…amen, fuck shoes!!! Don’t know why people think every woman loves shoes above all else. It’s not true for all of us!

  26. lampyourself

    What a gay homosexual fag. Do the math.

  27. wedgeone

    #59 – No, his face is firmly entrenched in Demi’s butt crack. What a mind job.

    We spend years watching “That 70′s Show” and thinking that this dude may be dumb, but he’s all hetero, and then we get this shit? Cripes!!

  28. MMMSimmons

    jrzmommy is truly repulsive to look at.

  29. JrsyGrl

    Who spelled “complimenting” wrong? You fools or Ashton?

  30. MadMofo

    What a pussy-whipped cock sucking bastard!! His old woman really fucked up his mind…not to mention having Bruce hanging around all the time breathing down his neck! But still it bears repeating “What a pussy-whipped cock sucking bastard!!”

  31. scarletpoppies

    just one more reason i let my Bazaar subscription lapse YEARS ago. WTF, is this GLAMOUR magazine?

  32. Smoking Hot

    Demi’s looking scary these days. I throw up a little in my mouth when I imagine those two getting it on. Like a mom and her teen son. Blarrghhh,.

  33. whatever

    Say it again!

    “What a pussy-whipped cock sucking bastard!”

  34. ericaleww.

    OKAY seriously. i love him.
    i don’t care if he married an old hag.
    and not me.
    i think he’s the best actor.
    stop hating on him.

  35. I’m not sure why I stumbled upon this article, but to the point, is sarcasm and irony really that lost on you people? The guy is obviously not retarded. He’s loaded, and by having made a lot less effort than most people with equivalent bank accounts. He also seems like he could still be a decent person.

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