In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didn’t just explode because you read the phrase “Ashton Kutcher writes,” check out his pearls of wisdom as reported by People:
On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”
On complementing your man
“Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”
On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”
Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.