Ashton Kutcher writes world’s most idiotic article

August 30th, 2007 // 85 Comments

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didn’t just explode because you read the phrase “Ashton Kutcher writes,” check out his pearls of wisdom as reported by People:

On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”

On complementing your man
“Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”

On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.


  1. havoc

    Oh Dear God…….

    Um, I’m not there to highlight anyone….


  2. Riotboy

    I’d buy that for a dollar.

  3. Annie Rexia

    It’s official. Ashton is a fag. A knob gobbling, fudge packing fag. It explains marrying the old hag.

  4. p911gt10c

    I’d call this retarded but the retarded folks’ crayola drawings make more sense than this bullshit.


    Who’s Demi’s widdle man…huh? Wo’s Demi’s widdle man?
    Is he whipped!!! We need less Ashton Kutcher and more Michael Kelso


    Who’s Demi’s widdle man…huh? Who’s Demi’s widdle man?
    Is he whipped!!! We need less Ashton Kutcher and more Michael Kelso

  7. Y

    Well said sir….no, not you Ashton. I would fee bad for Demi, but then I remembered that she got paid $1,000,000 to have sex with Robert Redford

  8. Annie I think we’ve known since 200 now

  9. megan

    first !!!!

  10. Texas Tranny

    That’s my boi.

  11. big

    Rump Wrangler

  12. Want to know where Britney is going to be tomorrow night? you know you wanna…. click my name and all will be revealved!

    What you don’t want to know? how can anyone not be interested in the one women disaster???????????

  13. Oh dear Lord, he was crackin funny’s leave him alone!
    Would you rather read some monotone answers, really, he was trying to spice up this lame line up of questions!!!!

  14. So when did this and androgynous piece of meat become an authority on how men should dress

  15. He must be so proud of that article that he keeps a copy of that magazine in his purse next to his tampons

  16. LadyJane

    It’s not PC to make fun of retards.

  17. veggo

    I’d let him accessorize me anyday. And then I’d tell him he’s pretty.

  18. hailey

    awww, Ashton I think you’re sweet. loves it.

  19. he somehow reminds me of Brendan Fraser. I Couldn’t give a fuck!!!

  20. sportsdvl

    As badly as that was written, you know he didn’t write it alone. He’s not that smart.

  21. Hecubus

    This bland, lizard eyed cheeseball is everything that’s wrong with the world today. He’s the poster boy for suck.

  22. 21st century digital boy

    Ashton Kutcher, the ultimate douchebag accessory.

  23. somewhereinthemiddle

    First things first, who the hell is going to take fashion advice from a dude who wears lame ass hats, bandanas and nasty garbage? I am surprised he didn’t suggest a knee length skirt; we all know who wears the pants in that house.

    I think they should clarify that his so called advice is for dim pretty boys who should be seen and not heard. It’s ironic that his IQ falls somewhere between a handbag and a pair of shoes as well.

    As for compliments, who gives a fuck? You want to let your man know he looks good give him a reach around.

  24. post a pic of his mangina! its got to be a big one!

    dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude! sweeet !dude!



  25. theredsnapper

    this guy is a pussy whipped toolshed.. he needs to go bang his dinosaur and break me off some willis..
    word snapper.

  26. my comment

    Poor soup. His mommy, Demi needs to keep him on a leash.

  27. lambman

    eh, this isn’t really interesting or funny. So he wrote a bland advice column nobody will read….who cares?

  28. bob

    knowing that he does nothing on a serious note, i’d be surprised if he meant for this to be taken seriously. i don’t really know what kind of magazine Harper’s Bazaar is, but i’m pretty sure it’s not the Highlights for Kids which is where he really should be writing.

  29. veggo

    I know, not the place and completely out of line, but I like me some ashton~!

    and, holy hawkeyehellfire! Bonzo dude kinda said something funny. kind of. It’s gonna be a strange day.

  30. kix

    Finally, a man who knows his place.

    This is some funny shit. You go Ashton!

  31. lookwhaticando

    Seeing that he use to be a model you would think he would know a bit about sytle and fasion, but that really sounded pretty wack

  32. joni

    He sounds so patronizing and fake, like one of those guys who only pretends to have certain views — angled toward stereotypes that women are obsessed with clothes — to make single women or unhappy attached women sigh and say “why can’t I find someone like Ashton Kutcher?” Or, “Why can’t you be more like Ashton Kutcher?”

    Meanwhile, unless Kutcher intended these answers to be facetious, it really shows how shallow and ironically sexist he is. Shallow girls might giggle in condescension as they say “Oh yes, men really are only accessories when we get dressed to go out?”

    And yet, these same girls might be the ones to go on a PMS rampage if some man were to say “When it comes to executive board meetings, women rank somewhere between ‘could we have some more coffee in here, babe?’ and ‘why don’t you get that gorgeous ass off that captain’s chair and shake it on top of this table?”

    Kutcher is digusting.

  33. i think veggo kinda likes me.. kinda..

    growin on ya like a virus!

    that is strange!!


  34. Sahllow Val

    What does one expect from an actor.

    Actors should just act, and should never be allowed to give an opinion on anything unless they are college graduates with doctorates and the diplomas to prove it, or they’re from another country. Otherwise, take your community college education, your Hollywood mentality and your fashion “sense” and keep it to yourself.

    A quiet actor is a great thing. Shhhhhh, don’t speak!!!!!

  35. Veggi

    Ashton is cute. I liked him in Butterfly Effect.

  36. Faye

    He’s hilarious. I love him.

  37. bob

    32, he modeled underwear right? so basically he knows nothing, which we were all aware of already.

  38. Jeff

    Looks like Demi has trained him well.

  39. Stop it

    Life imitates art. Kelso was a dork…

  40. The Great Bamboozler

    Ladies and Gentlemen. Introducing Ashton Kutcher as Mangina.

  41. Buns

    Okay, today’s commentary made me laugh out loud!! Someone is really on his game today!

  42. LouLou

    Right after my man & I told each other how adorable we were this morning, I remembered Ashton’s advice (read it yesterday on and asked my hubbie if he’d rather be told he looked like a linebacker than he looked cute. He said, “Hell, no!”. But, more importantly, when I told him about the article, he said “Who’s Ashton Kutcher?” Except that it came out as “Who’s Ass What Who?!?”

    And then I thought to myself, maybe the article was a joke.

  43. uruwai

    Yeah, say whatever you like.
    He still gets to bang Demi Moore tonight.

    No matter what he does, say or write.
    He is my hero.

  44. And Demi left a REAL MAN for this douche?

  45. Texas Tranny

    I bet he wears panties.

    Of course not as pretty or feminine as my panties, but panties none the less.

  46. Jimbo

    damn.. i wonder if he’s bi. if so, me want me some of that asss!!!

  47. Jimbo

    @46… can i smell ur panties? and rub em eyes in them? i’ll blow a load in em and send em right back for you too.

  48. Texas Tranny

    Sure thing Jimbo.

  49. mizscarlett

    Yes, Ass… oops, ASH is quite the sartorial authority – ironic, considering all he probably wears around the house is rubber shorts and a ball-gag.

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