Ashton Kutcher wins Twitter War

April 17th, 2009 // 53 Comments

Seen here on the set of his new movie Five Killers, Ashton Kutcher has officially won the Twitter race to acquire 1 million asshats. He beat out CNN and Britney Spears who were in first and second place respectively at the start of the contest. People reports:

For the past few days, he’d been locked in a race with CNN’s breaking news feed — (@cnnbrk), but just before midnight Thursday he became the first “Twitter millionaire.” Around 1:30 he tweeted, “Victory is ours!!!!!!!!” and posted a twitpic of the win.
Kutcher says he’s donating 10,000 mosquito nets to the medical charity Malaria No More to celebrate, and the video-game publisher Electronic Arts says the millionth follower will become a character in “The Sims.” Plus, there’s the promised ding-dong-ditch of Ted Turner’s Atlanta home to look forward to!

While the fact that more people follow Ashton Kutcher’s twatting than actual events in the real world should make me want to retreat to a bomb shelter, all I have to say is “Fuck yeah, job security!” In the meantime, sincere condolences to civilization. Good game.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Brian

    Twitter is lame

  2. Jrz

    What’s that old saying about winning a medal in the Special Olympics? You’re still a retard or something? Yeah…..

  3. Jeezy


  4. Valerie

    I still can’t figure out why people think this douche is attractive. He’s a slobbering moron and I wish he’d just go away.

  5. Twitter is for retards. This just proves it. Ashton is poster boy for ‘tards.

  6. Birdie B

    This has got the be the stupist thing I have seen in the news ever. This guy has no talet, is he really newsworthy? Oh, wait, the media tells us he has some brilliant mind… look out Albert Einstein has some competition.

  7. Binky

    I don’t really ‘get’ Ashton Kutcher…
    …much like Bruce Willis I suppose.

  8. Jennifer Hudson's 7-year-old nephew

    Gun ownership is NOT the problem. I live in Texas where there are more
    guns than people and you don’t see this kind of violence here. It comes down to attitudes. Texans are, generally, taught to respect guns. When we have a beef with someone, we either talk to them about it or knock the tar out of them, we DO NOT SHOOT them. You will find that shootings in Texas are usually perpetrated by someone from somewhere else or gang related (and most gang members are black or illegal Mexicans in Texas). Our guns are for hunting, protecting our soverign borders and to protecting our families, neighbors and ourselves from idiot Californians who respect nothing and no one. I lived there for about 15 years as a television writer and subsequently working for top executives in the entertainment industry. I left when a man decided he had a beef with MCA-Universal and shot 40 rounds with a high powered rifle into the black tower executive building at Universal where I was working. I decided I had had enough of California insanity. I came back to Texas where at least I know where “Bubba” is coming from. God bless TEXAS!!!

  9. Jay

    WTF!! Did someone shoot Ashton Kutcher in Texas!!? Does anyone care?

  10. Samantha

    A read an article by a geek who argued this event signaled the death of Twitter, at least as something potentially useful or interesting. Specifically, he argued that celebrities will attract mindless follower fans to Twitter and in turn put out the inane and vacuous stuff that celebrities talk about on talk shows. As opposed to when Twitter is interesting – like when the CNN reporter Rick Sanchez gives out details about news stories that aren’t aired, or tries to respond to questions that catch him a little flat-footed. That’s the exact opposite of the highly pre-packed say-nothing “stylings” of celebrities.

    Anyway, the point is: if Ashton can refrain from talking and has a big cock, I’d love to fuck him. Once.

  11. #8 – That is some random fuckyou-edness…

  12. steve

    #8 – after reading that fine example of Texan intellect, perspective, and grasp of appropriate context, I finally understand why your Governor has decided to refuse federal stimulus money and instead secede from the United States. You won’t be a separate country as much as the largest free-range special ed facility in the world.

  13. grimace

    i sat my 4month old on the sofa against some cushions while i went 10 steps away to get myself some food. i heard a small series of loud thunks, whirled around, and to my horror saw my baby lying face down between the couch and the coffee table

    he had tipped slowly forward and off the couch, and probably hit the edge of the table and the leg and the lower shelf on the way down. when i got to him his head was resting on the lower shelf, so obviously his head had hit it.

    Should I be worried at this point and call a doctor, or just put him to bed? Im tired of the crying.

  14. PUKE


  15. Dr. Phil

    #14 – call an ambulance, and as soon as he’s on his way to the hospital, kill yourself.

  16. dude_on

    Call the doctor and make yourself feel better. When in doubt call the doctor with infants – and especially if there is significant hematoma (bruising).

  17. Jrz

    #14–*looking around here* This is The Superficial, not Mommy MD. So, in that vain….um, you should probably make him a strong vodka gimlet for his nap time bottle and put him to sleep and tell you don’t be such a dumbfuck the next time and carry your kid with you to stuff your fat fucking face.

    but if this were Mommy MD, I’d ask you if the kid lost consciousness, if the kid seems alert, if the kid is vomiting…..I’d be more worried about the neck, actually, because them baby heads are pretty solid. You should call your pediatrician…..if you even have one of those because you seem pretty stupid. (remember, this IS the Superficial.)

  18. dude_on

    On a lighter note – The Kutch has officially ruined the Internet. It will now never be the same – most likely a fad like mullets and LSD, once popular but now just a footnote in history.

  19. jumpin_j

    Thank you, you millions of douchnozzles that actually particpated in this dumbass publicity event and got p*wnd. The world is safe now. Nighty-night.

  20. #14 – Lemme guess… that’s not your baby, and you’re scared shitless that the parents will be home any second now…


  21. mikeock

    If it was possible for something as lame as Twitter to jump the shark, it just happened.

    RIP Twitter.

    Born 2008. Died Early 2009.

  22. @13…HAHAHAHAHAHA………free range special ed……hahahahaha*gasp*

  23. Jrz

    I agree w/ Guy…#13 is pretty fucking funny.

  24. Who cares?

    I think people are forgetting that the vast majority of people on Twitter are idiot kids who think its cool to constantly tell others what the’re doing. I’m 20 and don’t know a single person who has ever used the site. I think most people use it for celebrity updates anyway, so its not surprising that actual news wouldn’t be as big a draw… the people who obsess over Twitter probably can’t name more than 5 US presidents, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t follow breaking news.

  25. John Bravado

    Never under-estimate the Gay Community

  26. testington

    He is a duche but he does have a hot body

    Katherine Heigle is still lumpy and fugly as shit

  27. Bud

    didn’t this site used to be funny? Now its just filled with vapid chick comments. I want the old hetero site back when you only posted stuff when you had funny commentary to go with it.

  28. Rhialto

    Holy crap! congrats!

  29. Darth

    I even didn’t know that BS has this much understanding of technology?

  30. ObamaYoMomma

    Who has a fatter face? That mutt, Jessica Alba, or Katherine Heigl?

    They’re both cows.

  31. yes

    he’s still fucking hot. damn.

  32. JS

    I didn’t know Ashton was in such great shape! Yumm :)

  33. alex janes

    Its official. There are now at least one million people who I hate/wish herpes upon now. Kudos Twitter, Kudos.

  34. devilsrain

    34. What does he do??? He sits around all day at Demis place. If you had access to Demis trainers/money youd be in great shape too.

  35. zuzuspetals

    He’s excited about winning a Twitter contest? Can anyone think of more perfect way to demonstrate that you are a douchebag- without using the words “John Mayer” or “Todd Palin”?
    I’m sure it’s not possible.

  36. zuzuspetals

    He’s excited about winning a Twitter contest? Can anyone think of more perfect way to demonstrate that you are a douchebag- without using the words “John Mayer” or “Todd Palin”?
    I’m sure it’s not possible.

  37. Tanzarian

    Dodgson! Dodgson! We have Dodgson here!

    See, nobody cares.

  38. jzz

    HE is a DOUCHE and he has no shoulders.

  39. Ashton…grow up! It’s time to leave your “Mommy” and go out on your own. Keep twittering like the complete moron that yo are!

  40. Im sick of hearing about this kid and his mom.

  41. Erica.

    His body is looking great,

  42. I’m sure there was NO alternative, folks!!

  43. Indrani

    He is so pretty! ~sigh~ wonderful pictures. Where do I get me one like him?

  44. mikeock

    He’s almost as jacked as Demi was in GI Jane

  45. mikeock

    He’s almost as jacked as Demi was in GI Jane

  46. Fuck U

    Hahahaa #13, that was funny…so is #16, 18, 21.
    Anyway that bitch #14 is a liar. Just wants to get some attention, lets face it…who the fuck would write to the fucking fish for help?That bitch must live in Texas…
    Fuck Ashton and his fucking old assed wife…a grown man dosen’t have anything better to do than Twitter? What the fuck is a twitter and how do you get rid of it?Better yet, lets just get rid of Ashton and grandma moses he’s married to.

  47. Donkey Dongey Dong

    Guess that’s what you do when your acting “career” is in the shitter and you’re married to a post-menopausal woman. Let’s have a Twitter race!

    God, and I didn’t think it would be remotely possible to hate this douche any more than I already do…

    Twitter is now officially the tool of douchebags.

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