Ashton Kutcher vs. CNN: The End of Civilization

April 15th, 2009 // 51 Comments

Ashton Kutcher has challenged CNN to see who can be the first to reach 1 million Twitter followers. The news network currently sits at 937,000+ followers with DoucheNozzle McGillicudy slowly gaining at 888,000+. The AP reports:

The 31-year-old actor recently threw down the gauntlet, challenging CNN and its founder, Ted Turner. In a Web video posted earlier this week, Kutcher said he would ding-dong-ditch Turner’s house if he beat CNN to 1 million. (For those unfamiliar with the classic adolescent prank, ding-dong-ditch is when you ring someone’s doorbell and run away.)
“I find it astonishing that one person can actually have as big of a voice online as what an entire media company can on Twitter,” Kutcher said in a video he posted on qik.com. “I just thought that was kind of an amazing comment on the state of our media.”

Before everybody starts freaking out at the shockingly evident decay of society as a whole, I should point out that Ashton is still in 3rd place for reaching 1 million Twittees. BEHIND BRITNEY SPEARS. Okay, now start freaking out. Who’s up for some looting?

Photos: Getty
superficial

  1. um its ring and run you fuckin ding dongs

    lame!

    420

    first!

  2. Jeezy

    What a fucking tool. There are actually almost a million people interested in this stupid fuck’s life?

  3. ashton=

    DOUCE

  4. If I ever created a Twitter account, it would just say “Look at me.” every 3 hours. The only people who Twitter are self-righteous whores.

  5. This is just retarded.

  6. Alex

    I wouldn’t even take pause if that douche nozzle were to jump in front of a bus. He’s so hip. What a fucking cock. Man I hate him. No talent, not funny and certainly peaked with Dude Where’s My Car.

    And I like following @FeliciaDay on twitter. Felicia = awesome.

  7. mcfeely smackup

    Ding Dong Ditch?

    wow, we had a slightly more catchy, and MUCH more racist name for it when I was a kid. In retrospect, it was all kinds of wrong.

  8. @5 Duh– we are talking Ashton. He’s the poster boy for the shortbus brigade.

  9. Em

    Super douche.

  10. Objection sustained

    Hey Claire

    That came off a little self-righteous :)

  11. NJGIRL

    @7 LOL… Is it nigga-knock?!?!?!?!?!?!

  12. Dakota

    It’s not fair and I’ll tell you why; CNN isn’t Twittering pictures of Demi Moore’s ass

  13. Mike

    To think it lets Demi Moore stick its dick in it.

  14. Rhialto

    What’s this Twitter all about? I’m gonna check it.

  15. amoi_b

    I am astonished and amazed by his command of the English language.

  16. This twittering thing past me by,,,boy is he annoying, why doesnt he challenge Fox?

  17. Emilio Estevez

    I bet if he posts a photo of Demi’s cameltoe he can beat CNN.

  18. justifiable

    He and John Mayer were just made for each other.

  19. Tanzarian

    State of our media? What a fuckin’ retard, it’s a comment on the state of our society, i.e. people like him who would rather live vicariously through a douchenozzle than pay attention to news.

    It’s also fairly obvious that anyone interested in the news is not trying to get it through ineffective means like Twitter. Only people who use Twitter think Twitter is relevant.

  20. His Huge Greatness Himself

    What has Twitter to do with young guys in relationship with older women?

  21. mikeock

    He’s more self-important than John Mayer, and that’s hard to do. What a douche.

  22. Nero

    Does Jennifer Aniston have a Twitter account?

  23. timmy the dying boy

    Fuck this. Twitter is strictly for idiots anyway.

  24. twatter

    @ TODDERS

    LMAO thats actually happned to me before!

  25. Huckleberry Hashimoto

    Some guy named McGillicudy just called, and wants you to stop associating his name with this guy.

  26. Huckleberry Hashimoto

    Some guy named DoucheNozzle called too, and also wants you to stop associating his name with this guy.

  27. norton

    Kutcher is a douche who bangs old ladies.

    Twitter is for twinks.

    ‘Nuff said.

  28. RichPort's Ghost

    Old RichPort’s Ghost’s right hand is digging these AK pics!!!!

    Fap fap fap fap fap……

    Oh come on, don’t judge me. I can’t even look at women without turning red in the face & pissing my pants. I gotta get laid, you fucks!

  29. Shitney Still SUX

    Gross, he looks like he got cheek implants.

  30. Applause-O-Meter

    #28 Testing, testing…”fap” sound…hmmm, no. “right hand” reference….uhh, nope. Implication that RichPort is a horny SOB who can’t get laid….overused imitation of the Fish writer’s favorite schtick, so deduct 10 points for plagarism, 50 for repetition. Result — nope, not even the slightest bit funny, just a sad duplicate of the 3,974.776 entries you’ve posted as RichPort’s Ghost this past year . Who, you might have noticed at this point if you had a brain, doesn’ t post after 5 PM EST.
    See, let me explain something so clearly even you get it, so I don’t have to get called back in here – if we know it’s you, and not the real RichPort, your post comes off as tired and pathetic (which it does even when you post during that time, too). Normally we might have some sympathy for you, you poor obsessed no-name fuckwit, if you made us laugh just once. As it is, hang it up, flush yourself and spare me. I’m busy enough dealing with those fuckers on YouTube and I Can Haz Cheesburger, don’t make me call your mom on you. You know what happened the last time and it wasn’t pretty. I didn’t think a keyboard could be jammed that far up anyone’s ass, but you learn something new every day.
    And I notice you still can’t stop sniffing your finger after you give the BackSpace key a workout.

  31. Applause-O-Meter

    #28 Testing, testing…”fap” sound…hmmm, no. “right hand” reference….uhh, nope. Implication that RichPort is a horny SOB who can’t get laid….overused imitation of the Fish writer’s favorite schtick, so deduct 10 points for plagarism, 50 for repetition. Result — nope, not even the slightest bit funny, just a sad duplicate of the 94,776 entries you’ve posted as RichPort’s Ghost this past year . Who, you might have noticed at this point if you had a brain, doesn’ t post after 5 PM.
    See, let me explain something so clearly even you get it, so I don’t have to get called back in here – if we know it’s you, and not the real RichPort, your post comes off as tired and pathetic (which it does even when you post during that time, too). Normally we might have some sympathy for you, you poor obsessed no-name fuckwit, if you made us laugh just once. As it is, hang it up, flush yourself and spare me. I’m busy enough dealing with those fuckers on YouTube and I Can Haz Cheesburger, don’t make me call your mom. You know what happened the last time and it wasn’t pretty. I didn’t think a keyboard could be jammed that far up anyone’s ass, but you learn something new every day.
    And I notice you still can’t stop sniffing your finger after you give the BackSpace key a workout.

  32. chris

    This is wonderful news!

    If Ashton Kutcher becomes the first person to reach 1,000,000 subscribers it will prove my long thought hypothesis that Twitter is gay!

  33. When you stick together long enough with demi noore or less.
    ……………..THE WHISKER IS A MUST, folks!!

  34. Huckleberry Hashimoto

    #17. Why would anybody want to look at that?

  35. gloobygloob

    I got a twitter account and followed CNN just to spite this idiot.

  36. Fred

    I think that CNN will lose this fight just like they have lost their audience to Fox News.

  37. Ashton Kutcher Still Alive, Twittering.

    What was Ashtons last significant accomplishment, anyway?

    Can’t imagine anyone being fascinating enough that I would want constant updates all day. I don’t even care that much about what I’m doing. I just check in with myself once a week or so to make sure I’m still around.

    Geez, at least CNN has news or something doesn’t it? Not just old lady butts slobbing around the house in bikinis?

  38. mikeock

    new day, still a douche.

  39. what can i say .. i added him like a month ago and hes the only one im following .. would be nice if he replied to tweets or queefs or whatever the fuck they are.

    still love ya kutch! lol

  40. #30 – Thanks for that! It’s true, I’m a lefty. By the way, how do you feel about aquatic mammals? They kinda piss me off. Well that and possums.

  41. Lucy

    that’s one ugly ass picture of Kutcher…but then again, I never saw anything in him to begin with.

  42. Applause-O-Meter

    #40 Not even Disney could do a goddamn thing with possums but I find aquatic mammals kind of cute, and I otter know. See that? I made a joke, and in my line of work we burn out, quick so enjoy it. The only good thing about that fucktard at #28 is that he’s never registered once with me, but my cousin, Attention-Whore-O-Meter, died from exhaustion last week and he’s to blame.

  43. raven

    twittering twats.

  44. grobpilot

    What the fuck is it with everyone wearing knit caps as fashion accessories? Do they really believe it makes them look fashionable? Looks to me like someone ready to pull it down over his face and rob a 7-11. Just another goddamn brainless trend-follower. But they still have the arrogance to try and tell us how to vote and how to live. Fuck ‘em all.

  45. jamie foxx (not really)

    I thought Ding Dong Ditch was called Nigger Knock.

  46. twinkie

    LMAO… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    DoucheNozzle McGillicudy

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  47. Ashton’s appeal must be wearing a little thin by now. Right Demi? Nothing like an infantile husband who laughs his ass off at his own farts under the covers

  48. “I just thought that was kind of an amazing comment on the state of our media.”

    It says something alright, it says the world is being overrun by people who are more concerned with the exploits of a mother fixated, emotionally stunted hunk and his mate, than they are in the war and the economy. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy, people, we are living it.

  49. JACQ

    Er, it says more about the people rather than ‘the state of our media’.

  50. poop

    CNN SUCKS AND AC IS A RUMP RANGER.

Leave A Comment