Ashton Kutcher is kind of a dick

June 9th, 2009 // 49 Comments

So Ashton Kutcher posted the following tweet yesterday in regards to David Carradine:

Remind me to never asphyxiate myself while masterbating in bangkok. It just confused people.

@Whoever this tweet was aimed at: Ashton just called and said “Nevermind. Please remind me to masturbate in Bangkok and die in the process bringing some small semblance of sense and justice to the world. Which reminds me, make sure that guy from The Superficial has lots of sex with Demi Moore and/or touches her boobs because I’m the real Ashton Kutcher and thus decree these events transpire in perpetuity.”

Thanks to Nick who will verify the validity of this statement. (Don’t be a hero.)

Photo: Getty

  1. Leila

    wow, low blow Ashton

  2. Valerie

    I don’t think that’s so bad–if said in private I guess.

  3. Valerie

    Now that I think about it, YEAH what a dick!

  4. toolboy

    My political views and my masturbation techniques will not be influenced by an ass hat like Ashton. Get the lube out Thailand!!! I got a date with a midget, a closet and 6 ft of rope.

  5. Tad Bit Tipsy

    Cock Smoker!!!

  6. el ces

    Could he at least button his jacket? Be somewhat adult?

  7. Sheena

    Okay, Ash baby! I’ll remind Demi to asphyxiate you while you masturbate. Your choice! Pillow, rope or her ass cheeks?

    You tacky immature little dickweed.

  8. Nick

    Validity Verified. It makes it even funnier that he spelled Masturbation wrong. I gave TS a screencap of the tweet that I’m sure can be put up if anyone doubts.

  9. Nick

    “R hands R tied by R wallets, R wallets R tied by R fear, & R fear is tied by R greed. give away our freedom or give our way 2 freedom?”

    I think Ashton should be forced to take a Twitter Time Out. Trying to read this makes my head hurt. Best source of unintentional comedy ever. Somebody with the IQ of a jar of frosting trying to be wise.

  10. Ashton, honey. Could you pick up the kids today while I get my botox, facelift, and hit the gym this afternoon. Thanks, snookums. Love – Mom. I mean, Demi

  11. havoc

    Kind of?


  12. netstarman

    Ashton is a big saggy ball sack that has been gnawed down with a rusty cheese grater.

  13. Me

    Anyone posting after Me sucks on Asshole Butcher’s empty nutsack

  14. Eat a dick, yo

    It’s absolutely appalling when a celebrity says something crude, but definately not at all when its some bi-curious gossip quasi-writer (you). I like Ashton more after this comment. He’s fucking hilarious.

  15. claire

    he spelled ‘masturbating’ wrong

  16. Tanzarian

    “Kind of a dick”?

    First, this isn’t news, second, it’s inaccurate.

    “Ashton Kutcher is still a dick.”

  17. titsonsnack

    So has he started banging Demi’s daughters yet? Like I’m not even joking. And why does Demi still go by her ex-husband’s last name?

  18. STL Hawkeye

    A “D” rated star cracks on a guy who in his career has done more than Asshton will ever think of doing. No talent and no class. Demi, you picked a winner.

  19. ahha

    Remind me to never asphyxiate myself while masterbating in bangkok. It just confused people.

    Yes, indeed. I would love it if you could just asphyxiate yourself while you have your head up your own ass. You are right, no one will be surprised or confused by that.

  20. Wanktastastic

    Mna, I want to poke him with a stick while he dangles from my closet. That would be hilarious. “Repeat after me! THAT 70′S SHOW SUCKED ASS! Ashton Kutcher sucks and he won’t jizz, piss or shit on the floor. Unless he wants to clean it up with a straw.”

  21. J-Dawg

    Duh…I’m cute and get acting gigs…I doesnt’ need no grammer. I’s can spell masterbate real good like.

  22. I hope kutcher realize the only people that find him humorous are demi and people who works for em….

  23. David

    What he said is no worse than the majority of stories posted on this site? Cast the first stone maybe???

  24. HAHA, I want to poke him with a stick while he dangles from my closet.
    May every Jack ha his Jill. Still Don’t have a date?

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  25. Rhialto

    Something about David Carradine’s unfortunate death.He always liked to play mysterious characters,didn’t he? In my opinion his own death is in line with that.

  26. Nero

    There was something mysterious about David Carradine.Where’s Cameron Diaz when you need her?

  27. Hes a tool and always has been, just like anyone that “twitters”. We dont care that youre eating, pissing, shitting, reading NObamas bio, playing with your dog, on the computer, cleansing your dirty ass with a toothbrush, counting license plate numbers, being bulimic, washing your hands for the thousandth time, cleaning your dirty foreskin, douching, stretching the skin on your wifes face, checking for lumps in here saline bags, charging the battery in your hybrid blahblahblahblah etc etc etc. Shut the fuck up Ashton & all “twitter-ers”!

  28. alfalfa

    Assclown Nutsack should ask Demi for permission before he says or posts anything stupid

  29. Gando

    His death reminds me on Michael Hutchence dead in 1997.

  30. norton

    Do you think he’ll apologize for being a fuckwad? Or maybe just twitter “it was very insensitive of me to make fun of Mr. Carradine. I just don’t want people to not love me for the person I am and to appreciate that I’m very in touch with other people’s feelings.”

    Or rather should he just tweet “I’m a fucking faggot.” ???

  31. Missy Wu

    He ought to get it on with that wonky-eyed Melissa Joan Hart. Sorry, no amount of money will ever buy these two class or a conscience. They only know they’re wrong when their PR guys tell them, not by their minds!

  32. The big Z

    MAS-TUR-BA-TION. There are no masters in it. I think “masturbation” or one of its variants should be part of the spelling bee. I don’t know why people have so much trouble with it.

  33. stu

    how insignificant is this Kutcher POS. bagging on the death of a guy who’s famous for stealing Bruce Lee’s role.

  34. uni

    Demi’s gonna ground him for being mean

  35. Dickwad! GOD I hate him.

  36. Samuel

    Why is it so hard for Americans to spell words correctly?

  37. What a callous little turd he is. And he can’t even spell masturbate, what a pinhead.

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  39. A HAIRY DICK, to be precise!!

  40. I bet his bow tie spins. Dicks usually have bowties that spin…

  41. Jorge "No Chin" Posada

    I’m sure Demi hasn’t had an orgasm since she and Bruce broke up.

  42. kjonesin

    Don’t worry, in 30 years ASSton will die dressed in a girl scout uniform and the heir to his narcissitic douche throne will “twatter” some quasi-edgy remark about him. Full circle, karma, what goes around comes around, etc.

  43. Sam Bowman

    I would be masterbating too if I was married to his wife.
    Dude Wheres My Car was the only good thing hes ever done and that was kind of lame too. Kill Bill was a classic movie(s)

  44. Jammy

    “kind of”?!?!?!!?!?

  45. bitingontinfoil

    You’re just now realizing he’s a dick??

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  47. Wallas

    Fuck you Ashton Kutcher you piece of fucking shit.

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