Ashton Kutcher did get my birthday present

February 22nd, 2008 // 94 Comments

Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday on February 7 at Socialista in New York City and it turns out the bartender was mixing drinks with an extra special ingredient: Hepatitis A! Nothing like getting Punk’d in the digestive tract. The New York Department of Health contacted Ashton and told him that he and his guests, which included Bruce Willis, Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, should probably get a vaccination ASAP. TMZ reports:

Hepatitis A is spread by putting something in one’s mouth that has been contaminated with traces of fecal matter from an infected person. Symptoms include jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, nausea, and diarrhea. Any patron who hung at Socialista is considered to be at risk, and the Health Dept. says they should get a gamma globulin shot — pronto!

For those of you who think it’s a bit cruel of me to laugh at this news, just take a good, hard look at the pics of Ashton Kutcher I included. They’re from last night and I have no idea what the event is, probably the 15th Annual Douche Ball. I defy you to look at that guy and not wish the bartender was pouring drinks directly into his eye. Am I right? I’m right. You can stop punching your monitor now. He can’t feel it. I’ve been trying all morning.

Photos: Getty Images

  1. Jennifer2

    I am just a bit curious…Why his profile was found on millionaire dating site ‘BillionaireCupid dot com’ last week? I will check it again.

  2. harharhar


  3. harharhar

    Wow. I always look at this site and think how stupid all the “FRISTS” crap is, but when it came down to it…I just did it…and was overly obnoxious at that…

  4. herda

    He is a playboy. I just saw his profile on millionaire&celeb dating site “” . I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on that site.

  5. gothep?

    honestly, who would really care if these people got hepatitis a? i, for one, would not.

  6. brianj

    Looks like some like the ass to mouth………..

  7. deacon jones

    Man, I cannot BELIEVE that he’s stuck with Demi for this long, the woamn must TRULY be the best fuck in the world. This guy could be banging 18 yr olds on a nightly basis. She probably takes it up the ass

  8. Anal Fistula

    why does Rumer Willis’ face look like an ape testicle?

    and why is this human douche wearing some ridiculous ascot?

  9. whocares

    wow, standing in between ashton and rumer sure makes you look old!

  10. Shudder… so, is the Hep-A scare here because people are actually getting it, or because someone handling food has it?

    If it’s the second, I’d guess this is more of a precautionary thing… if the first…. ugh, fecal matter in the drinks. *shudder*

  11. deacon jones

    @8 hahaha, great fucking line!

    I think it looks like an art project in high school, like the self portrait clay sculptures that never really get finished

  12. Auntie Kryst

    @8 I’m not sure it’s an ascot. Look at the pattern. Looks like he’s just wearing his kafaya (sp?) around his neck. Douchefucker is a part of some arab sleeper cell. Someone inform Homeland Security.

  13. I'm Yer Daddy

    I think it was “The Annual Douchy Cracker, Pimp Wannabee, Bring Your Ugly Big Chinned Hos Convention.” Ah it’s funny, you can tell which hos are higher ranking by how much fur they are wearing, esssentially Rumer Willis is the LOWEST rankig ho posssible (see how she’s carrying the fur of some other non pictured ho like the unwanted servant ho she is). The funny thing is Ashton, pimp wannabee that he is, is actually a pro ho himself, his pimp, of course, is non other than Bruce Willis. Ashton’s clients include Wilmer Valderama, Danny Masterson, John Mayer and Wilmer Valderama (he’s a demanding little guy).

    P.S. I love how super tanned Demi is, it makes her look so desperate. She’s just trying WAY to hard to hold onto her youth and sex appeal. Newsflash old ho they’re ain’t nothing to hold on to anymore it’ GONE, gone baby gone.
    RIP Striptease Demi
    It’ll never be the same for you (but, at least you got those ridiculous silicone bags reduced).

  14. lisa

    rumer looks incredible!

  15. RENEE...

    Oh good Lord, Demi Moore has ruined what used to be one fine piece of manmeat. And I sense that even Ashton himself is starting to realize that he’s married to an old, washed up woman who could be his own mother. I even sense that he is realizing that he has turned into a whipped douchebag husband, but just doesn’t know a way out. I can hear the clock ticking on their relationship. The bloom is surely off the rose. Oh, and how cute, potato head decided to join them for the evening.

  16. Racer X

    Hepatitis A-ok.

    /I’d hit Rumer
    //I like big girls
    ///3 slashies!

  17. p911gt10c

    Hmm, could be a cover up. Pam Anderson has Hepititis….

    Oh, and #2,3, you’re a loser, twice over.

  18. Clever


    Someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? Does it really make you feel better to slam people that mind their own business and are out having a good time?

    Do you really care that Demi is trying to look good?

    Do you even know what this party was themed? Do you really care?

    Lets post some pictures of what you were doing last night… I’m sure it doesn’t have anything to do with dressing up for a party.

  19. nev

    I hope your drink tasted like the fecal matter too.

  20. Dick Richards

    You couldn’t ask for a better birthday present for Kutcher, the fuck; I hope he dies of acute diarrhea.

    ‘Rumer’, what a dumb fucking name. Yeah, she’s ‘rumor’ alright — rumored to be human.

  21. havoc

    Douchebaggery at its best…….


  22. smadgie

    This is at a party? My GOD no one is smiling or even looks umm….happy? pleased? Something…maybe they were already gettin stummy cramps. I agree He’s made a huge mistake marrying Demi. It looks like date pics with her mom in the middle.

  23. deacon jones

    Why do I keep looking at Rumer thinking shes going to whip out an M16 with unlimited ammo and start shooting people?

  24. amma

    There just has to be something wrong with Ashton. Demi is hot, just admit it. I think any guy of any age would want to “do” her. But marry her?! Wtf?! I mean he has got to have some serious issues {Demi seems normal-esque by Hollyweird standards anyway. I mean I can totally get her wanting to marry him}. Yeah, Ashton has got to be whacked in the head one way or another–think he’s into the daughters at all?

  25. Ript1&0

    Next the nominees from the male catagory:
    Cris Angel
    Sam Lufti
    Ashton Kutcher
    Pete Doherty
    Blake Civil Fielder
    Pete Wentz
    Mel Gibson
    Tom Cruise

    And the King of the Douche Ball 2008 is………

    Drumroll ladies and gentlemen…….

  26. monkeyfightclub

    It’s nice of Ashton and Demi to let Jennifer Tilly tag along with them.

  27. Rat

    What a no talent loser!
    Hey kucher my granma needs a date!

  28. Giomon_Rocks

    What a tool. At least he’s in the tailend of his career. Demi is looking pretty waxy. I bet Ashton is kicking himself for marrying someone so much older than him.

  29. The Office Whore

    Mornin ya’ll!!

    I always considered him quite fuckable. I know, I know…….don’t judge me!! See, cause now I am ctrl alt del all those fucking (pardon the pun) thoughts out of my stupid noggin..

    gawd that outfit kills me..

  30. Donovan

    That looks like a Mom escorting her kids. The age difference is really starting to show. But if they don’t mind it and are happy, more power to them. Hollywood men have been doing it for ages.

  31. #18, yep, I wake up on the wrong side of my back porch EVERY morning, which is why it’s NECESSARY for me to make fun of people who go out dressed like THAT..

    Oh, and I agree with D.R. (for once). Rumer is a stupid fucking name, sounds like Demi should abstain from taking mushrooms during name choosing events

  32. anita

    Look how Demi is holding onto his arm…must be her arthritis flairing

  33. fax

    RUMER is HOT!

  34. celebritard tours

    #18. Wow yourself. You want to see pictures of what other people were doing around the world last night (because you do know this is the world wide web so people from all walks of life come her). What people did last night;
    How about volunteering at a hospital, taking care of a sick relative, throwing up all night because of their chemotherapy, trying to figure out how they are going to pay their bills having lost their job, working 2 jobs to pay for school, saving a life as a firefighter, doctor, or paramedic, taking care of their children as an overworked exhausted single parent, mourning the loss of a loved one, worrying over not being able to pay for their medical bills, being smacked around by their spouse for burning the dinner, rescuing animals, working on their thesis, raising monety for a charity, caring for the elderly … I could go on. Going to a party is an admiral thing? What a bunch of bull. Please try to understand this is a CELEB TRASHING SITE.

    People don’t really mean what they say here, this is their verbal punching bag and celebrities are greedy overpaid attention whores so people trash them, Is that right? Not really. It most certainly is not right that some idiot celebrity makes $40 million a year for making a movie or a cd when a fire fighter who saved 10 lives and put theirs at risk day in and day out never expecting a room full of applause, a golden statue, staff to wipe their ass, constant attention and recognition and a giant cheque makes only $40,000 a year. The world is a mess and these celebrities live the most unreasonable, self centered, materialistic, lives imaginable and they waste the most incredilbe potentital to make a difference and really give back (throwing a little money at charities is not giving back, choosing to live in a normal sized house and turning your ridiculous giant mansion into a shelter for abused women or a home for children with cancer that would be giving back). Kids go to school without a lunch and die of poverty ever second in this world yet Miley Cyrus some Disney manufactured child product is a multi millionaire? WHAT THE FUCK? So there are reasons people trash celebrities and don’t share in their happiness but, it doesn’t mean they are evil or heartless they are just venting their frustrations and enjoying a little black humour.

  35. Aw, lookit at Mrs Potato Head all dressed up.

  36. deacon jones

    Hands off Demi, she’s fucking hot, at least for now.

    “I can eat a peach for hours”

  37. deacon jones

    Here, Here! (holding miller lite above head)

  38. Chilli

    I am evil and heartless :p

  39. Freespeech

    Rumer’s dress looks like it was designed for a much older woman. Actually, it’s ugly anyway. This picture looks like it was taken at some kind of themed party, but, she should still dress for her age and look cute!

  40. D. Richards (Masturbator.)

    #31! Don’t you ever agree with me. Don’t make me slip you a roofy.

  41. Auntie Kryst

    @34 Well said a I second Deacon’s toast (but holding up a pint of Guinness). Deacon, how can you drink that squaw piss?

  42. celebritard tours

    BTW the event was the “De Grisogono’s Hollywood Domino Board Game Launch”. (I wish I were kidding). So WOW that is impressive!

    * Insert sound of enormous mouth fart.

    Thanks #37.
    #38. LOL.

  43. No you're not 18

    18? Hey dumbfuck. Apparrantly you’re a friend of kutcher. You couldn’t possibly BE him because you can actually type.

    Don’t get me started on Kutcher. Average looks. Married to an old hag. Ugly ass step kids. Hasn’t had a hit movie since “Dude, What Happened To My Car”, yet these stupid movie people still cast him in films. Hey Hollywood. People might actually go to the theatres again when you stop casting these hollywood a-holes like Kutcher and Lohan in films. Ug, and what about those stupid fucking shows he produces that hurt your brain if you only watch them for two seconds. The only people that watch those stupid shows are burnouts and tweeners. Those punked stunts were just fucking stupid.

  44. celebritard tours

    Thanks #41. ( your comment wasn’t up yet).

  45. mdg650hawk

    Demi looks like a mom with her two grown kids.

  46. D. Richards (Lonely.)

    #18. The synopsis of what a picture would look like of what I was doing lastnight:

    Sitting behind a laptop, crying naked with an erection; vaseline in view. A poster of Charles Manson behind me stuck crookedly to the wall. Ugly.

  47. Cap'n Pickles

    Scene: Ashton and Demi’s Bedroom.

    Ashton: (lying on his stomache, sprawled across thier 4 poster bed. “Mmmmmm,mmmmmmmm. Thanks, Demi. No other woman would ever do this for me.

    Demi: (Having just put on fresh surgical gloves, dunks her right hand in a one gallon tub of lube.) “Hold on to Uncle Brucey’s cock, you insolent little fuck! Granny’s gonna churn some butter! Rawwwwrrrrr!!!!”

  48. FL Cracker

    @34 – Well said.

    @18 – Last night we went frog giggin’ in the Everglades. The big full moon reminds me of Rumer’s face. Yep, she’s got a moonface all right.

  49. Veroonica

    I always get a kick about how everyone’s always goes on about how “great” Demi looks. First of all, she’s not THAT old. Secondly, I would look that good two if I was freshly spackled once a week!

  50. Fish you are hilarious

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