Ashton Kutcher coaching high school football

September 9th, 2008 // 32 Comments

As if he could smell the long-dead carcass of his acting career, Ashton Kutcher has accepted the position of assistant head coach for Harvard-Westlake prep school, according to Page Six:

“The team was totally surprised when they showed up for practice and Ashton was there,” said our source. “His best friend is the head coach and asked for his help.”

The universe is in balance today, my friends: Tom Brady is sidelined, Ashton Kutcher’s been reduced to coaching high school football, and I bet there’s even a leftover Boston Creme in the employee lounge…

UPDATE: SON OF A VAGINA! Nothing but coconut. I hate you, mysterious cosmos!


  1. Mia

    Lucky females!

  2. mchole

    I believe its called Harvard-Westlake. It’s the school the Olson twins went to. Haha and Spencer. Obviously they’ve got a great track record going.

  3. Sababa

    You’re wrong. the Olson’s and Spencer went to Campbell Hall.

  4. havoc

    Coach Douchebag of the mighty fighting Douchebags.

    Who’s their mascot?

    A Douchebag?

  5. a reader

    wow, they must be delighted, can Ashton like, make them like winners, you know?

  6. You know, though, to this old lady-fucker’s credit, he is one of the most normal celebrities. It’ll probably be his downfall.

  7. ph7

    Let’s hope he scores some sweet young high school pussy. He deserves as much as he can get as a reward for being anchored to that old, face lifted, dried up Demi Moore.

    Remeber, when a chick turn 40, trade her in for 2 twenty year olds.

  8. Vote for me. I’m a radical Marxist.

  9. Haha, I buried the last Boston Creme in the bottom of the trashcan just to spite you. Seriously though, just eat the coconut — food allergies don’t mean shit.

  10. Somedude

    #7 Thing is you can fit four twenty year olds in demi’s boobs.

  11. stacy the ace

    The things I would do to him……………………………………………

  12. I thought you had to have a pair of balls to coach football??

  13. it's me Fuckers!

    ROFL!! I actually laughed out loud at the update remark! SON OF A VAGINA!! ROFL!!

  14. Hopefully he’s a better coach than he is actor!

  15. sixpack

    He’s an assbag.

  16. Dar

    Dude, where’s my career?

  17. Turd Ferguson

    he better be careful or he may break a nail.

  18. rough daddy

    This could be the begining of a ploy to get away from Demi!

  19. who dat?

    I bet the punter could kick his ass

  20. JimmyBachaFungool

    Athletes want to be actors, actors want to be singers and singers want to be athletes. Kutcher, apparently is gay.

  21. Funny 'cause it's true

    @16 – that made me laugh.

    Is that a turf field? Good lord.

  22. blah

    he’s a douche but he’s still a fricken hot douche…Zip!

  23. Nancy

    Demi will be doing angry grunting benchpresses with 275 lbs to wind down after going to one of their football games and watching the cheerleaders flirt shamelessly Ashton…and seeing him look like he already knows them quite well…

  24. Hey#1

    #1 that is what ashton is betting on. He’s tired of all the cosmetically altered middle age pussy he supposed to keep satisfied. He wants more of the young stuff while the girls are still stupid enough to do him. He’s gotta cashin on the young trim cuz the older stuff knows he can’t act.

  25. marc

    as a former hdub student, all I can say is wtf?!?!!? At least they’ve still got a top tier science program

  26. farty_mcshitface

    yeh, thankfully his career is fading and hopefully we won’t have to hear about him much more.

  27. Virgodoll

    he looks way hotter here than he does in any of his movies, Sexy

  28. Toolboy

    Not many coaches can pull of the proper combination of “dude, totally, awesome and rock” in a pep talk, but Coach Kutcher can.

  29. LOSERS always cheer for themselves, folks!!

  30. mchole

    hah oh right, i forgot about campbell hall. we wiped the floor with their football team. although that’s not saying much about their team… or ours. we all kinda sucked.

  31. el ces

    Heh, this would’ve made a good episode of Punk’d.

  32. jl

    actually spencer went to crossroads hs

Leave A Comment