Ashton and Demi skip indecent proposal, jump straight into indecent marriage

September 26th, 2005 // 36 Comments

Ashton_Demi.jpgUs Weekly is reporting that Kabbalah’s newest unwitting pawns/power couple, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, have gotten married (for real this time) and that we should all drop what we’re doing and focus really hard on caring:

Us Weekly is the first news outlet in the world to report that Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night at a Beverly Hills home in a ceremony in front of more than 100 of their closest friends and family, according to several sources close to the couple. ”It was very last minute,” one guest told Us.

I know a lot of people think that this marriage is creepy because she’s 15 years older than him, but those people are just stupid. Everyone knows that only parts of Demi Moore are older than Ashton Kutcher. Most of the other parts are actually way younger. If you think about it, he’s sort of marrying three 14-year-old girls who just happen to be grafted onto a 42-year-old’s body. And even though that sounds gross, you have to admit that it’s kind of hot too. Kind of really hot. And, okay, maybe a little gross. Actually, yeah, mostly just gross. I don’t know what I was thinking.


  1. therapture

    Idiots…I give a year or less before the marriage is over….

  2. Conversely, I hope this works. They get a lot of flack, and fuck, if they can make it work with creepy dad Bruce peeking in, anyone can.

  3. I don’t care if they’re married, I just want to know why Ashton is linked to the next Evil Dead movie…for shame…

  4. HillaryYoung

    Perhaps at least this way Ashton won’t be procreating. Demi has to be menopausal, no? He’ll have to leave it to his evil twin to spread that Kutcher DNA.

  5. Proteon

    I’ve been to Bruce’s house in Idaho. I attended a small picnic with him and the three kids. Ashton may resemble in alot of ways the dozen or so brain dead nanny’s these kids may have had but MOD? I wonder who came up with that *cough DEMI*. I also wonder whose idea it was to hurry up and get married in a home in Beverly Hills. Someone got punk’d here and it wasn’t Demi. I’ll bet the marriage lasts less than 2 years (as stated above). It will be Ashton who files for “get me the hell out of here”.

  6. Nancella

    Yawn…those two are the most boring of all the couples. Secret weddings?…please, No months of us guessing if they were a couple or not? They didn’t even pick the good fake religion.

  7. Ms. Dilligaff

    Demi is a freak of nature. She has the best body(topped only by perhaps Jessica Alba), and surgeon–boobs aside–in the business. She’s the only celebrity who actually looks fantastic after a little plastic surgery. Having said that, her acting peaked with “About Last Night” but I still watch all her movies because I like her, *and* I’m fascinated with how fascinated she is with her own body(ever noticed that?). As for her relationship with Ashton, kudos to them, but that whole thing with the kids and Bruce is odd–and I’d rather have Bruce.

    *Is* Kutcher involved in the next ED? Please God tell me he isn’t Ash in the remake.

  8. mutterhals

    Demi Moore’s meat cave probably looks like gravity had teeth. Thats right, I said it.

  9. PinkRose

    The age thing doesn’t bother me. I just don’t understand what they see in each other. Ashton maybe a cutie but I find him kind of annoying. Call me crazy but I think Bruce is way hotter than Ashton.

    A little off subject, but does anyone know why Demi and Bruce got divorced in the first place?

  10. DevastatorX

    As my 3 year old son says “Dada, gross, disgusting”

  11. DevastatorX

    Oh, and why would ashton want and old, wrinkled vagina? I bet it’s roast beef curtians. Smelly fish too.

  12. Darby

    Why can’t we just be happy for them…However he seems really immature. But maybe that;s why older people (usually men) go for younger hotties, so they can look at a young face every day and feel more playful. In Demis eyes he’s probably better than an old craggly guy and I bet he listens to her in bed. Hmmm

  13. Joe Mamma

    Whats with all this “I like them” and “i’m happy fo them” Crap?!

    Where is the hate and caustic wit?! What the hell has gone wrong with the Superficial?

    There are 1000′s of sites for you Celeb lovers who would pay to sniff Kutcher’s panties. Bring on the hate!!!

  14. Candy

    I was watching E! this morning when they announced it. Julian couldn’t even muster up any excitement. Maybe now that they’re married, they can fade further into the background.

  15. ImRichBitch!

    yuck… she is nasty. How can Ashton be with her. And how can she be with such a goofball? She was cute back in the day… but have u seen those wrinkles on her neck! ick! He needs to realize that he is being used. She is using him to take care of her kids, for publicity, and sex. I mean hey! maybe they are happy maybe they are not. When I heard they were married I didnt give a shit. Demi has to realize her and Ashton were soooo last year. And joemama ur right, if ppl dont like the mean things said then they should not look at it, after all it is The Superficial/ Because You’re Ugly. Come on it says it all right there.

  16. tg8

    Well, the official union of MooreKutch’d seems to be great pub for the both of them (and some spillover pub for the Bruce-meister). But this got me thinking, the Bruce-meister likes to have sex with young starlets. The Kutcher knows a bunch of young starlets. Now that they are practically family, how long till Bruce asks for Ashton’s phonebook?

    I say 3.42 days.

  17. Lizardqueen

    Bravo Joe Mamma! What fun is there in “kissy-kissy nice face”? None, I tell you, NONE! Roast beef curtains?!?!?!? Now that’s my kinda good time. BTW, why are all the charming put downs, snarky tidbits, and sarcastic wit coming in the comments section now? Posts aren’t producing the guffaws and chortles that they once were. Thanks to all the love haters out their. You make my day.
    P.S. Ashton Kutcher has a big fat head. Nanny nanny poo-poo!

  18. Starshine

    Oh Ashton, WHY? Why did you rip my dreams to shreads? You know it was going to be me and you in the end!

    You know you’re going to want to have babies, and I’m here once you remember this…

  19. Ragin_Pope_Angus

    Well, I can accept that Ashton is star-blinded by the Demi and he thinks it’ll help his career, but jeez-louise, I hope they retreat to their palace and never come out.

    I share the hopes of many of you that they don’t reproduce. You know Demi has his ‘nads in a glass beside the bed with her teeth.

    Her day will come when some young piece of tail shakes it infront of Ashton and he becomes mesmerized by something that hasn’t been rode hard and hung up wet.

    oh, and by the way, it terms of the “Evil Dead,” Bruce the Chin is still the King!

    Gimme some sugar, baby!

  20. andrewthezeppo

    Is this part of her “comback” that includes the sequil to Charlies Angels and 3 years of unemployment?

  21. IvoryFingers

    People claim they really love each other. Wonder if those rumors of Ashton being older would affect how she views him? Would it instead of being, oh, he’s just young, to damn, what an immature idiot?

  22. Sleek

    Why do you say Demi has to menopausal ?
    I went to Catholic school and grew up with many kids who were “happy mistakes” whose Moms got pregnant with them mid 40s.
    Women in their 40s are far from barren.
    In fact the older hos get as many abortions as the 18-23 hos.

    And frankly I could care less that these two got married.
    I wish fuzzy brown mama bear & her younger cub all the best.

  23. Sleek

    A little off subject, but does anyone know why Demi and Bruce got divorced in the first place? >>>>>>>>>

    Bruce regularly laments that he is better off single for life and isn’t happy being regimented in marriage.
    I still like him though.
    I’ve had a crush on him since I was like 8 years old and he was in moonlighting. haha Im weird.

  24. Karl Hungus

    Hey Ashton, did you know that she’s already FORTY-FREAKING-TWO?

  25. him_lover

    ewwwww, roast beef curtains. that was wicked.
    now slightly off subject,
    has anyone seen ashton’s nasty gross brother and his trailer park family? how can ashton let his twin brother, who almost fucking DIED, live in a trailer??

  26. sugarplum

    That guy is hot.

  27. Velvet_Jones

    Why is this news? Does anyone care at all about these two idiots?

  28. beck

    what the hell is ashton kutcher doing with this broad he can have any woman in the world and he wants that shmo what the hell is he gonna do in just ten years when she is over fifty and her unmentionables look like death.

  29. Dawn7

    Beck, I’m pretty sure her ‘unmentionables’ will be fine. I just asked a friend of mine who is a Nurse at a hospital what the vagina’s on her old patients (of whom she must wash because they can’t wash it themselves) looked like. “Do they look old?” I said. She replied, “No, Vagina’s don’t seem to get old.” Just thought I’d share that with ya.

  30. SoOverIt

    Dear Lord…just let them be happy. So what if she’s older…way older. Half of the people who seem to “have a problem” with the two of them are probably just jealous. I saw him on Oprah and he seemed to really love her and was very sincere when he talked about thier relationship. Give it a rest people…they obviously love each other. Get over it.

  31. saveme

    so over it. shut your mouth. seriously. if there’s anyone that needs to get over anything it’s you and the idea that all these stars are just sick little publicity seekings whores. you heard me.

    and you’re gonna need quite a bit of therapy, i’m sure, when you find out that ashton had a threesome with bruce willis and that one daugther’s friends. you know, the girl that kind of looks like kelly osbourne? yeah, you heard it here.

    p.s. oprah stabs guests if they don’t say exactly what she wants them to say. notice how one of her hands is always hiding at random moments during the show? it’s cause she’s checking to see if the knife is still between the cushions.

  32. Capricorn Girl

    Personally I think the freckles and Daniel Craig is a good match. Sienna is hot but not that HOT yet.She deserves a bigger one if Jude is small.maybe Jude should be single for a while.

  33. Capricorn Girl

    I really think Daniel Craig and Sienna Miller could be a good match but not jude and her.Jude law deserves a better one unless he wants to mess around.hmmm…Sienna has a great figure but i want to call her freckles.

  34. Capricorn Girl

    I’m sorry it came out on the wrong place. My comments are not supposed to post automatically here.Damn it!

  35. onefor thegirls

    Yeah! Go Demi! Soul mates………all the power to you!

  36. I agree with the desire of many of you, that does not increase. You know Demi is her "Nads in the glass beside the bed of teeth.

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