Ashton Kutcher Is The Gatekeeper Of Literary Truth Now

October 21st, 2011 // 73 Comments

In a new video posted on – Apparently that’s a thing now. – Ashton Kutcher indirectly addresses the reports about him cheating with Sara Leal on his sixth wedding anniversary to Demi Moore by basically complaining about the celebrity tabloid industry that has been around before he was a bearded speck in his father’s trucker hat. Except listening to Ashton, you’d just assume the system corrupted itself overnight solely to tear down his pure, honest love of scarves and pedantic horseshit that makes no fucking sense. Via Starpulse:

He says, “I just wanted to open up a little dialogue on the state of honesty. The state of truth. The status of truth as it pertains to literature and media… Publishers (once) held great scrutiny over what they were willing to print because their reputation was on the line. When the cost structure comes down on printing… the level of honesty of literature starts to plummet… I started thinking about that in relation to media and social media today where the threshold to actually have literature printed and distributed… is zero dollars… thereby there is no gatekeeper of the truth…”

Kutcher adds, “We are our own editors, we are our own publishers and we are our own printers. Therefore, people can bastardise the truth in any way, shape or form that they want and spread that around the world… A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can leave someone’s lips… "I was thinking that we really have to take it upon ourselves to instil a level of honesty... in the works in the media that we create and share with one another... and be certain that we are doing our own diligence that what we are saying is for the benefit of another."

Wow, what an incredibly long-winded and douchey way to say, “Please stop paying the whores I fucked to talk about how I fucked them.” It’s almost as if that couldn’t have been distributed through our gates of truth and diligence with only 14 words like I just did in that last sentence. That was probably just a mirage.

Photos: INFdaily


  1. DogBoy

    No wonder he cheats– if you had three arms– you would too.

  2. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    You have just been PUNKED

  3. Inmate 12236969

    Come on Kelso just admit you got a strange shot of leg because maybe your mom’s or sorry wife’s cunt is a little dry.

  4. RoboZombie

    I always KNEW this guy was a DOUCHE!!! Jesus, he needs a swift kick in the nutsack followed by a toss off a cliff.
    Do the world a favor Ashton, hang it up. And by “it”, i mean YOU!

  5. oh i know

    this from the guy who produced the show “Punk’d”….

  6. sobrietyisacrutch

    I am positive he’s blaming Johann Guttenberg for EVERYTHING.

  7. Dri

    It’s funny to see how he thinks to be someone whose opinion is worth more than a laughter. poor little failed actor.


    Hes an ass.Period.I dont blame her, she was just douching.

  9. Siloporcen7

    Ahahahahahaha *pauses to breathe* hahahahahahahahaha

  10. MInky Wail

    Is that speech from the giant chick scene in “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

  11. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    From the neck down, it’s Kate Moss, only more cunty.

  12. stratacat

    he’s worse than john mayer at this point. and with a smaller dick.

  13. Too long…didn’t read.

    If I was going to read a long winded, narcissistic, self-ngratiating editorial on the sad state of journalism in the modern internet age, it wouldn’t be one written by Ashton Kutcher. Being famous for tapping ass beyond it’s expiration date does not make you an authority on…well, anything except which brand of lubricant dries up slowest.

  14. cc

    Not sure of the sequence of pictures on the superficial. Presumably these pics are fresher than yesterday’s? If that’s the case, we can at least say that his taste in hats is improving somewhat.

    I try and see the positive in people.

  15. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, what a deep thinker, like the reincarnation of William F. Buckley except way dumber.

  16. zomgbie

    “We are our own editors, we are our own publishers and we are our own printers…”

    we are our own paper jams.

  17. FruitLoop

    Luke: Ben! Why didn’t you tell me? You told me that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

    Obi-Wan: Your father… was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and “became” Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true… from a certain point of view.

    Luke: A certain point of view?

  18. it had to be said

    “When the cost structure comes down on printing… the level of honesty of literature starts to plummet”

    Fish, I think he’s talking about you, dude. You gonna take that?

  19. right

    Who dresses this idiot. Does he actually look in the mirror and say, yep this is the look.

  20. Cock Dr

    He’s not just a douche, he’s a loquacious one too.
    Was he actually dumb enough to think he would be able to marry Demi Moore and not have his extracurricular fuck habits scrutinized?

  21. Dan

    So did he just talk about truth and honesty? Or did he actually say what happened – did he bang this chick or no?

    If he really didn’t bang her he would probably just say, “I didn’t bang her stop talking about it.”

  22. bitingontinfoil

    *This* horseshit coming from the douche who was more than happy to post pics of Demi’s ass bent over in underwear and who blew up twitter with “We’re sooo in luuuurrrrv!” tweets; pics of Demi half-nekkid in a bathroom and various other uber-douchery.

    If he’s stating the media lied about his fuck-fest – sue ‘em! He’s ignoring the fact that this chick *sold* her story to the media. If she’s lying – sue her!

    It’s funny that nowhere in this weed induced rant is he actually *denying* anything. Pathetic doof.

  23. willie dixon

    $50 says he’s an investor of Nothing like drama to up the traffic and valuation.

  24. aristotrash

    Um, you want a literary gatekeeper of truth? Move to China. Or transport yourself to Soviet Russia. Fucking pretentious asswipe. You’re just crying b/c people are making fun of your stupid ass on Twitter.

  25. I wonder who writes his speeches; Fez, Hyde or Foreman?

  26. Mike

    The curse of Two and Half Men is coming true! Soon he will be ranting about his lion blood and how he is always prevailing.

    • Melanie

      It’s dragons’ blood, and they sell it to kiddies, in snow cones, at the state fair. Hardly an original from Charlie Sheen’s mouth.

  27. Juano

    Alright, Aston, you’ve just proven you’re a moron and can’t put a cogent sentence together. Oh, and explained why the character you played on the ’70s Show seemed real; because you were a functional idiot playing a functional idiot. Excellent!

  28. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is there always some mexican guy eating chips and staring at my third arm?

  29. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    If Ashton Kutcher is in such a twist about “truth and honesty,” maybe he could shed some light on why he’s been keeping that third arm a secret for so long?

  30. qwerty

    OMG that’s like SO deep. Off to RT every single sentence

  31. Rob

    Why is he trying to hold on to that marriage? He can get way hotter tail.

  32. Ashton Kutcher Truth Video
    Commented on this photo:

    so that’s where Demi Moore’s tits went

  33. Governor Scott Walker

    Is it just me or do other people feel bad when someone like Ashton gets all serious and starts talking ungrammatically about shit they don’t understand?

    • Butch Coolidge

      He does get real wordy for no apparent reason , much like Jesse Jackson. And the sentences make sense if you’re a scatterbrained cretin with little critical thinking skills

  34. CranAppleSnapple

    “and be certain that we are doing our own diligence”

    Moron, it’s not “do diligence”. It’s DUE diligence.
    Fuck me with a pitchfork, this guy is STUPID.

  35. Tootles

    Hahahaa look at this fucktard Ashton trying to come off as some deep thinking intellectual. Newsflash to this bitch, the only reason he and his wife are relevant today is because they are constantly tweeting/posting mundane shit 24 hours a day, not unlike like the douchebags in the social media he is complaining about. This stupid cunt needs to realize that he is a 35 year old frat boy and leave the deep thinking shit to others.

  36. Tootles

    Ya Ashton, I’ll remember this little speech of yours the next time I’m looking at pictures of your hag wife in a bikini that she posts on twitter like a sad wannabe 17 year old.

  37. meh

    The guy actually makes some pretty good points, but he’s still a cheating douche bag!

  38. great, another ‘torpedo of truth’. is it the show that makes people nuts?

  39. LillySawko

    Here we were blaming Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller for Charlie Sheen’s batshit crazy. Now thanks to Ashton, we know the truth: Chuck Lorre is the antichrist.

  40. slurricane

    I just want to barf when I see this face. Take that fucking hat off.

  41. forrest gump

    sorry folks: THE TOILET PAPER IS OUT!!

  42. mel

    What a pea brain he is.

  43. Uncle Knuckle

    I didn’t have sex with that woman. She was masturbating on my penis. That’s the gatekeeper’s honest truth.

  44. MooseKnuckle

    Countdown to the Sheen-Kutcher Torpedo of BS tour

  45. Al Cervik

    Is he Mayor Mc Douche of McDoucheville ?

  46. Queen of Everything

    I wonder if he might be taking a shower anytime soon. Well, Christmas is coming so here’s hoping. Gawd, I can smell him through my screen. This guy is disgusting.

  47. Just saying

    This speech just shows how stupid this guy really is. Unless he and Demi are in on this to drum up more publicity for his new show? He should be pissed at the chick who spilled the beans, not the media. He is such a tool.

  48. Lisa

    I think he has microcephaly of the boobs

  49. Lisa

    he’s just trying to be pseudo-modernist

  50. Diana

    Wow, what an incredibly long-winded and douchey way to say, “Please stop paying the whores I fucked to talk about how I fucked them.”

    Lmao. Greatest text ever. That was so funny. I love your blog.

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