Here Are Your New ‘Two and a Half Men’

May 19th, 2011 // 27 Comments

“Guess who’s on cocaine now, motherfuckers! Whoo! Didn’t see that coming!”

Ashton Kutcher appeared at the CBS Upfronts yesterday to get everybody “jazzed” about him replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men despite this whole thing sounding suspiciously like some sort of practical joke. A “punk” if you will. Anyway, while Ashton compared the experience to winning the lottery – “Daddy’s buying you a new face, baby!” – Jon Cryer seemed happy to just be working again while the kid, Angus T. Jones, didn’t even say a word. No, really. E! News reports:

The six-foot-two Kutcher towered over Cryer and Jones, leading Cryer to quip, “Did you have to get such a tall guy?” Jones kept mum during the entire presentation, but appeared pleased that production on further episodes of Two and a Half Men would go forward.

Angus was later spotted kicking a can in an alley mumbling “Charlie always brought me porn and let me smell the hookers… Stupid CBS, I want to live with my dad.”

Photo: Splash News


  1. Replace Cryer with Seann William Scott and I may watch an episode.

  2. KG

    I wonder why Alan Alda and Meredith Baxter, who the producers announced will be joining the show as Aston’s parents (and living with him–as in, they’ll be in every episode) wasn’t at the photo op.

  3. horny pig

    The clock is officially ticking … First episode, Berta puts on a strap on and punishes Ashton in the glory hole and kills him .. Show Over

  4. MLVC

    three obits i cannot wait to read…that show fucking sucks…they all suck as actors…fuck it

  5. terry

    I give it one fucking season before it falls apart. What a stupid ass move. They should have gotten Alec Baldwin to replace Sheen. That would have been a fucking awesome choice.

    • BradsPittHair

      Yeah really wtf, Baldwin aint got nothin better to do, oh that’s right-I dont really give a f*ck.

  6. Arzach

    The eternally pussy whipped Kutcher is always going to be the “Half man”

  7. Brooke

    I see no halflings….

  8. So we went form “You don’t pay hookers for sex, you pay them to go away” to
    “Real Men Don’t Buy Girls”? That half-man is going to grow up pretty confused.

  9. tlmck

    Great. The new title of the show will be “3 dudes who cannot find their cars”.

  10. Ashton Kutcher Jon Cryer Angus T Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    I could have sworn Rachel Maddow was taller….

  11. the captain

    goddamnit: A BUNCH OF *SS-KISSERS?
    ……………people have to watch this shit?

  12. With Sheen it added up to 2 1/2 men.
    With Kutcher, that’s gonna have to be adjusted to 1 3/4 men.

  13. Whyask

    I used to watch it – it was brainless but likeable.

    I didn’t like Demi’s “joke” on that 70′s show and won’t tune in to watch “it” on 2 1/2.

  14. Elf

    “Frolics on the set of the new movie that will reboot the Harry Potter franchise. From left: Voldemort, Hagrid and Harry Potter.”

  15. Jill

    Based on the title of the post alone, I expected to see some Peter Dinklage.

  16. Ghetty Real

    at six two he towers over them?

    Ive seen pics of Ashton, I thought he was much taller.
    up here in hollywood north Ashton would be the dwarf

  17. geekbrat

    Good writing, Fish. Keep it up.

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