Ashton Kutcher Tried To Buy Demi Moore A Car To Save Their Marriage

November 21st, 2011 // 45 Comments
Cashing In?
Ashton Kutcher
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Shortly before their inevitable divorce was announced, Ashton Kutcher reportedly bought Demi Moore a $100,000+ Lexus to save their marriage which is stupid because it’s not like she can’t buy one herself. Then again, I honestly don’t know what Demi Moore does these days and her face is 80% polymer, so maybe she can’t. Strike that from the record. TMZ reports:

According to our sources, Ashton contacted a high-end car company, to buy a new set of wheels for Demi’s birthday. We’re told Ashton picked out a 2012 Lexus LS 600h L — and paid North of $100,000.
Our sources say Ashton wanted a quick deal — bagging the luxury hybrid on November 9, just two days before Demi’s birthday.

Oh, Ashton, you gullible rube. Women don’t get married just so men will pay for things they can’t afford. That’s only 95% of it. They get married so you don’t have sex anymore, you danish tart! But, seriously, you banged another woman on your anniversary and a car is what you come up with? A car? Not, oh I dunno, a time machine that collides into your dick before it enters a random vagina? Jesus, you’re making Charlie Sheen-money now, and he had one built just to Bogart piles of coke from himself. Which, coincidentally, is also how Kim Kardashian is famous. Bastard fractured the very fabric of our reality, that sonofabitch

Photos: Splash News


  1. Jack Ketch

    Oh, horseSHIIITT …

  2. Well he went from being a douche to a complete tool. Never liked him to begin with because he isn’t funny and never has been.

  3. A 2012 Audi Fuck Somebody Else seems about right.

  4. Alex

    You’re worth well over 100 million dollars and you buy your wife a $100k car because you cheated? That’s like the average husband buying their wife a tupperware set for cheating.

    • Crabby Old Guy

      So, you’re saying “no” to the Tupperware, huh? How about a nice toaster oven? I mean it was only a hummer from that girl in accounting. I would think a nice toaster oven should be enough of a “I’m so sorry (that you found out).”

      • Alex

        Ashton brings dickhole to a whole new level. Limelight changes everything. Tupperware and toaster ovens are expected in Bumfuck, Mississippi (and maybe a black eye or two), but not Hollywood. For example, ever see the rock on Mrs. Kobe Bryant’s finger? That’s just for having a hooker in the room and telling the whore to hit the road with nothing happening.

        That’s all.

    • OMG, I can’t believe you just dissed Tupperware, that’s some stay tight shit! Unlike Demi Moore’s vag hole!!

  5. Sliver

    So I see the douche-hat look is still in.

  6. Not Winning

    1) She’s old.
    2) She’s a woman.

    Silly boy, she can’t drive a car.

  7. kimmykimkim

    Demi Moore’s birthday is dangerously close to my own. Now I feel like I need to bathe with steel wool and bleach.

    • TomFrank

      Yeah, but 18 years apart, kimmy. You were barely out of the womb when she got married for the first time.

      • kimmykimkim

        Well, yeah, but she’s putting her stink all over my sign. Mine and MJB’s and Anne Sexton’s sign! And who ever else. Oh, Dj AdRock, there’s another…

      • TomFrank

        Everyone’s sign has stink on i—Anne Sexton? Um…okay.

    • MJB

      Yeah, the sign of Scorpio can’t corner the market on having all the cool, sexy people. LOL Every sign has to have its share of assholes.
      The goth girl in me is loving your referencing Anne Sexton! Don’t forget Sylvia Plath, Bjork and Martin Scorsese are Scorpios as well.

  8. Commented on this photo:

    If you look at this photo, and still have any question about why Demi is divorcing him…you might be a douchebag.

  9. LRonHoover

    Hipster Tard

  10. Schmidtler

    Well, the car is already paid for, Demi doesn’t want it, so hey Ashton, how about this – sign the title over to me, and I’ll stop referring to you as “Douchey VonDouchenozzle” from now on?
    Also, this tard is not in Charlie Sheen’s league money wise, not by a long shot. Sheen was pocketing over 2 million an episode, which is many many times over what they’re paying this idiot, plus Sheen not only was taking that check home very week for 10 years, he also cashed in on the giant pile of syndication money. Kutcher’s only in his first year of this gig, and it will certainly be his last. He sucks ass.

  11. JC

    You think he would have ponied up for an Aston or Maserati, something at least vaguely interesting, instead of a dentist’s car.

    So this douchenozzle is pretty much going bald, right? I can think of no other reasonable explanation for these hats.

  12. Cock Dr

    Further proof that having good looks (leaving fast), money (which hinges on retaining the looks) and a ropey red bracelet just isn’t enough for obtaining long term happiness.
    Further proof that Ashton here is just so so dumb.

  13. ricardo

    ashton u shouldve gone with the solar powered lamborghini.
    filled with chocolate.
    and condoms.
    and a gift certificate for free breast implants.

    • stratacat

      if I had a husband who got me that every time he cheated, I would have a big ass garage and at least one extra boob. like the chick from total recall.

  14. Frank Burns

    What you mean is “Ashton and Demi made a deal with Toyota to promote the Lexus line in a crass move to further exploit their divorce”. Or, maybe Ashton found a Lexus that didn’t go in for the Toyota brake recall.

  15. See Alice

    Wat an imbecile . He should go OWS . He will feel right at home .

  16. Dr. Otto VanderWahl

    Don’t them Lexi comes from radioactive Japan? Anyone look into that angle? Hmm? Hmm? I thought this was a rock solid investigative site, but it’s just basically got moral standards of ABC NEws

  17. The Relentless Pursuit of Doucheness.

  18. kimmykimkim

    Hmm, after reading some of these comments I’ve decided that if I were ever to get married again, the guy could cheat all he wanted as long as
    1.) He gets those bitches tested.
    2.) I get to fuck who ever I want, they’ll also be tested, of course.
    3.) His name is not Ashton Kutcher
    4.) He doesn’t wear mushroom tip hats
    5.) He pays for everything I want
    6.) He buys me something better than a damn car. Something that will retain or grow in value. Like diamonds. Big fat fucking diamonds.
    7.) And lastly, let’s me fuck who ever I want

    …I’m a simple girl, really.

    • Frank Burns

      Hmm, #2 is the same as #7 . .

    • MJB

      Girl, then don’t get married again! I’ve rarely met a married woman who was truly happy. But all the single ladies I know—even the elderly ones—are living it up with travel, great careers, exciting love affairs. Why buy the rooster when you can get the cock for free? :=)


    This guy has been the posterboy for “douchebag” for what, 10 years running now? Who are the “fans” of this dipshit?

    Let me guess…the tween and teenaged girl population. Proving my theory that this continuing drive to market everything exclusively to tween/teen girls is going to wreck society as we know it. I mean do you honestly think garbage like Twitter would have been a success were it not for the teen girl idiocy factor? Also see: facebook, Twilight, cell phones.

  20. Snack pack

    Douchey douches douche, as douches douche douche.

  21. Russel Brand

    oy , what a rascal!. fuck another girl on your anniversary and buy the wife a car? Are ye daft , Man????? You’re a bloody Knave and a brigand !!!!!

  22. dotmatrix

    Did it have a big red bow on the roof? OK, there’s the problem!

  23. Venom

    What an idiot.
    Considering how much she is going to take him for in a divorce, she can buy her own damn car and a much better one than that.

    This guy’s intelligence level is pathetic. That’s what every woman wants, a giant 4 door car that is aimed at senior citizens. The perfect car to remind her of how old she is getting. If you are going to try to buy her off with a car, at least give her a fire red convertible Ferrari or Maserati or something like that.

    “Hey Demi, I know you are an old bitch, so I bought you an old bitch’s car, enjoy”

    Did he pick her up some bras and panties from Sears and JC Penny too while he was at it?

    • Schmidtler

      he could have gotten her a coupon for old country buffet and a shiny new rascal from the scooter store.

  24. cc

    New winter apparel for wannabe hipsters everywhere…the douchetoque.

  25. LJ

    Why didn’t he just buy her a Volvo, so he could clearly state “Your to old to have a really hot car, so take this.”

  26. Archies_Leach

    You mean the “dim bulb Michael Kelso” wasn’t an act after all?

  27. Commented on this photo:

    That’s what you get for going to to Kobe Bryant for marital advice. That and a do-rag.

  28. Drewleski

    PS to Ashton: It’s a $100,000 Toyota! Idiot.

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