Ashton Kutcher’s Coworkers: ‘He Isn’t Funny, But At Least He’s Not Crazy’

September 21st, 2011 // 81 Comments

Ashton Kutcher‘s first episode as Charlie Sheen‘s replacement aired Monday night to record numbers, but keep in mind that was mostly because people wanted to see if Charlie burst onto the set and raped everyone into piles of coke, and old people have a lot of free time. Anyway, apparently the crew aren’t exactly thrilled with the current quality of the show, but will gladly shovel out more milquetoast episodes if it means never hearing the words “Winning!” again. (Side note: To anyone still using that word, please know I pray to a god I don’t believe in that you die of ass cancer in the mouth.) E! News reports:

He’s just not as funny as Charlie. Not that we’d want Charlie back if you doubled our salaries.”
You hear that?
The guys (and gals) who were having trouble paying their mortgages during one of Sheen’s notorious AWOL meltdowns, do not—repeat—do not want him back.
They are very, very clear about that.
But they also freely volunteer that the show, in their veteran opinions, “just isn’t the same anymore,” and that they find Sheen’s substitute to be more of a “safe replacement.”

So basically Ashton isn’t funny because he’s not walking around slapping them in the mouth with a hooker’s vagina, but the show would be better if he walked around slapping them in the mouth with a hooker’s vagina. Let me guess, these were teamsters, weren’t they? I can sense their shiftless laying about even from here…

Photos: Splash News

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  1. V

    Say what you want about charlie sheen, but dude at least understood comedic timing. He could be funny. To Ashton being funny is acting retarded.

    • eatme

      …yup, not that i’m a fan of the show, but charlie sheen made me laugh when i did watch it, and the contrast between his character and Cryer’s was the whole point of the show, wasn’t it? I did watch the premiere of season 9 yesterday and it was dreadful.

      • Facebook Me

        I give this show one more season and then getting cancelled.

      • Fletch

        Should have shitcanned the thing after Lorre had his little tantrum.

        One too many egos on the show. Sure Lorre may have created it but Sheen and those that surrounded him were the reason the show was popular.

        Kutcher is a douche; plain and simple.

      • Schmidtler

        I think you’re giving Kutcher too much credit – he’s not acting retarded, that would imply he has some acting skills.

  2. They should have gotten Charlie back, and replaced Jon Cryer with Mel Gibson.

    That’s a safe duo, no?

  3. MILF

    He brings with him all the charm , talent and good looks of the shoe bomber.

  4. The reason he’s not funny is because he has a speaking part. If you simply look at him you can’t help but eventually start giggling.

  5. Never go full retard. Just go Ashton.

  6. Rough hat area

    Charlie Sheen will be back on the show. You cant go far, with a billionaire attempting suicide over a girl.

  7. Richard McBeef

    Is your side note regarding the word “Winning” or “Milquetoast”

    Thanks,

    R. McB.

    • Dr. Bumblenut

      I think “milquetoast” is spot on. I love it when his writeups devastate with surgical precision.

    • TomFrank

      As long as no one thinks the term is “milk toast,” and then tries to defend his bullshit usage when he’s called out on his mistake. (That happened here not too long ago.)

      • Richard McBeef

        yes, I was the caller-outer. I am fearful that the revival of “milk toast” and possibly even “milquetoast” is the same force that has got kids bringing grampa’s manual typewriter to the coffeeshop.

      • lief the quief

        not to worry: “vanilla” is the new “milk toast” – pay attn and you’ll hear it everywhere – espn being the biggest offender of course

  8. Rooster

    My favorite part of the new show was the scene were Ashton and the other 1 and a half held hands and jumped right the fuck over that shark.

  9. Somehow I doubt the anonymous staffer that E! News quoted (well, paraphrased) will still be “not wanting Charlie back” when the mid season ratings come rolling in. Everyone working on that show should be polishing up their resume’s, and stabbing pins in Chuck Lorre voodoo dolls.

    Keep in mind, Charlie didn’t fuck the show over, Chuck Lorre fired him, hired Ashton to replace him, and murdered the show.

    • SisterRay

      And what a tremendous show it was… How tragic… Oh, wait, it was just broad humor for bored middle-class, middle-aged people with middle-jobs who want to unwind with some middle-TV shows.

      • Richard McBeef

        SisterRay is liquid hotness.

      • Eddie

        But she’s right and you know it… Sometimes Richard, you are just too god damn clever and funny for your own good. Why haven’t you started your own blog already? It would be witty i’m sure.

    • Uh, revisionist history, anyone? Being an apologist for Sheen is gonna be uphill work because his failures are well documented – if this isn’t enabling, it’s the next best thing.

      If Charlie didn’t fuck the show over I’d love to know who did. Sheen walked away from the series, giving the crew and rest of the cast nothing to work with, he wasn’t pushed. While he never missed a call, he also admits he showed up in no fit condition to work, also giving the crew and rest of the cast nothing to work with. Gee, too bad that the producer was so overly sensitive about his star being so coked to the gills that he couldn’t be filmed, and that he was so thin-skinned he didn’t like being bizarrely and venomously abused in the press by someone who was proud of holding the production hostage, but to blame Lorre for Sheen’s going full-tilt boogie off the reservation is ridiculous. He was given a helluva lot of rope before he hanged himself with it.

      Sheen’s got an uneviable track record of drunken/coked-up assaults and arrests, none of which were achieved with Lorre’s involvement, and all of which impacted the series. His stints in in-patient rehab to avoid jail time were worked around last year, but they resulted in cutting 2 episodes from the season. Whose fault was that? The show went into hiatus this year because he was back in rehab, which impacted on cast and crew. Whose fault was that?

      James Robinson took one look at him and got flashbacks to Lindsay Lohan on the set (or, more accurately, not being on the set) of “Georgia Rule” and dropped him from “Major League 3″ in February, a decision that had nothing to do with Haim Levine/Chuck Lorre, and everything to do with Sheen being an unstable cokesugar-sprinkled fuckwaffle. Sheen now claims he’s back in and Brian Wilson will be coaching him, but ML3 is not in production.

      The show was on the downward slope anyway as the kid was getting too old, and the premise was getting too tired. If it dies with Kutcher in the lead, it’s sure not before its time.

      • TomFrank

        As long as we’re on the subject, can we stop weeping for the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men? Television is an unstable business where most of the shows don’t last for more than a couple of years—if they’re chosen to air at all. Anyone who works in television, from star to carpenter, has to know that her job might not be around next year. But the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men have gotten steady work for nine seasons now, and given the show’s status as the most successful show of the last decade, have presumably been well paid along the way. To weep for the cast and crew of this show, but not the shows that get cancelled quickly—say, Lone Star or Terriers—seems misplaced.

        And that line from E! News about the crew having trouble paying their mortgages while Charlie Sheen put the show on hiatus smacks of artistic-license bullshit from the writer more than actual fact.

    • I think it was more a self-righteous “working man screwed over again by the irresponsible reckless movie star” spin – completely ironic given that E! was promoting it, but it did get the “Sheen’s a selfish prick” campaign rolling.

      That doesn’t mean that the cast and crew aren’t justified in feeling pissed off that Sheen derailed a nice secure gravy train that cold have rolled on for a few more years – and it’s actually worse now that he’s mea culpa-ing all over town. The fact that the crew might have had steady work for 9 years is nice, but I guess I just hate to see anyone lose their job due to someone else’s extemely self-indulgent douchebaggery.

      • Leonidas

        @justifiable & TomFrank: I just finished reading one of your other posts, it’s called “War and Peace” – great stuff.

  10. Frank Burns

    That guy has the most punchable face in Hollywood. How you could be around him for more than ten minutes and not be tempted to land one in his girly jawline is beyond understanding.

  11. I hate Ashton, but I’d take him over Sheen any day. Gross. Even if I hadn’t liked the new episode I still would continue watching just to piss him off. Cause I’m like that.

  12. michiez

    can ashton at least look decent for the show? not a ruffed up jesus?

    • Danny Noonan

      Should have tried the gay angle with Ashton , he’s only a few degrees off as he sits

      • Carlos Esperanza

        It is said in many parts of LA that Ashton is the Cornhole Kid!

      • Dean Keaton

        Why don’t they just have a show change , where Alan finally realizes that he’s gay and Ashton also comes to the same conclusion . The y could change the show name to “Half a Man with my New Two Dads” or “Two Closeted Homos and a Dork” or “Watching Daddy take it up the ASS and not Feeling Bad about Myself “

      • Simple Sister

        I heard his nickname was “Spooge Beard ” on the set for the “That 70′s Show”

  13. Venom

    When I saw John Stamos on the show, I realized that he is the one they should have hired.
    Ashton is just not good and not right for that part.
    They need to get rid of the kid too, he is an annoying little shit that brings nothing to the show.

    I only really watched the show for Alan, Bertha and Rose, I could take or leave Charlie personally.

  14. TheListener

    I said it once and I’ll say it again. Jon Cryer carried the episode. He was funny. Ashton is pretty decent with PHYSICAL comedy. Just look at the comedies he’s been in. Two and a Half Men doesn’t involve alot of that. It’s more about delivering lines with just the right inflection in your voice and the right facial expression. With that beard of his it’s going to make it tough to pull that off.

  15. lief the quief

    fuck that fucking fuck getting 700k a show – what a travesty

  16. a pornstar

    Richard McBeef + Unjustifiable you guys/girls/ Chaz’s are the reason my office productivity went from 50% to 30%. …reading your comments on this site, rekindles my love for men who write well, pray scrabble and mean it, and insist on wearing a condom during anal sex.

    • Richard McBeef

      Which pornstar are you? Anyway, I love your work. Talk about bringing office productivity down.

      • TomFrank

        I don’t know who she is, but judging from yesterday’s comments, she works for a porn company that requires her to wear a suit and heels to work. Hope that helps narrow it down.

    • Yup, making the country a little bit better, one unproductive day at a time.

      Wait, who told you about the scrabble?

    • Tenet Number One is: Thou Shalt Not Ever Play Cutthroat Scrabble With Thy Grandma.
      There will be times when “tits” “fuck” or “snatch” could easily win you a triple score, but you look into those twinkly little eyes and remember how she baked you cookies as a kid and you won’t be able to besmirch the board.

      Of course, then the old bitch will put down “handjob” and just fucking blow your score out of the water.

      Tenet Number Two: Keep Holy The Words That Look Misspelt, Yet Are Not
      “Cundum” “cromulent” and “embiggen” are real words so if any happy asshole challenges you, you get an extra turn. They also sound a fuck of a lot dirtier than “tits” and “snatch”, so are appropriate retorts for grandma’s handjob (see Tenet One – and just see how much dirtier that sounded than it really was?).

      Fuck it – Take my advice and pray to (or for) anal sex instead. Same rule holds, do not involve grandma.

      • TomFrank

        “Snatch. Meaning ‘to grab.’ So that’s a double letter score on the ‘c’…”

        See how easy that was?

  17. Samantha

    I love this shirt! I think I might have to buy it for my boyfriend! Isn’t the same shirt too? It looks identical.

    • Samantha

      …I just bought that Bine & Bas shirt online and within an hour my bank called and said that over $5000 worth of goods had just been purchased with my visa number from somewhere in Sri Lanka. I am so upset. What am I going to do? I guess that’s what I get for buying anything from Bine & Bas.

    • Samantha

      No it didn’t, the payment went through just fine. NO EXTRA CHARGES WERE ADDED.

    • Samantha

      …oh, wait a sec, what the hell? My bank called back a third time now. First they said there was fraud on my visa, then they called back and said that there were so many fraudulent purchases linked to Bine & Bas that they got it mixed up but that my payment went through just fine, and now they called again saying that my visa number had been used to purchase $3000 worth of gay child porn! I should have never of bought that Bine & Bas shirt. I showed my boyfriend my online order and he laughed at the Bine & Bas shirt thinking it was a joke. This is retarded.

  18. MIKEY336

    That shirt is tight!

  19. Celeb Scavenger

    I like the collars on bine & bas’s shirts better. they look thicker and more substantial.

    • eatme

      Bine & Bas fucking sucks. I bought one of their shirts and it fell apart in the wash first time I washed. That what you get for buying a made in Sri Lanka Bine & Bas shirt. And all the colors ran and ruined a bunch of my other clothes. And those Bine & Bas mother fuckers wouldn’t even give me a refund. $135 down the drain for a Bine & Bas shirt that everyone made fun of me for the first time I wore it. Maybe it’s a good thing that I found no other use for the Bine & Bas shirt than lining my birdcage with it, because the Bine & Bas shirt gave me a big rash and was super uncomfortable. It also said on the tag to not wear it if you are allergic to peanuts. WTF does that even mean. FUCK Bine & Bas.

  20. Celeb Scavenger

    …ohhhh, riiiiight, sorry, my mistake, Bine & Bas shirts are really bad. They make you look like a total dork and smell funny. And the collar feels like cardboard made from recycled toilet paper. Maybe that’s why they smell so bad. Don’t ever buy a Bine & Bas shirt because they stink and fall apart.

    • Saul Berg

      That dufus shirt isn’t worth $135.00 . It is probably a KMART knock -off that sells for $13.50 before going on sale

  21. Captain Morgan

    Damn shirt gave me gential warts, chlamydia and pubic lice.

    Wait, maybe that was Kutcher’s SO or one of his step daughters..I cant remember which one..you know the one with the square jaw…Never mind it was Bruce…

  22. goldenshowerprincess

    I really like my MegaSoreAss Bine & Bas shirt:
    http://www.dailystab.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/ugly.jpg
    I always get mad black cock at the club when i wear it

  23. Al Czervik

    Only a guy that would enjoy insect pornography would buy one of those shirts! Oh , and bestiality , I forgot !

  24. Billy Rubin

    That’s the kind of shirt and hat that Judge Smails wore in Caddyshack and Rodney Dangerfield insulted him about ! I wouldn’t wear a Bine & Bas Shirt if it would cure cancer and create world peace !

  25. David Berkowitz

    Those Bine and Bas shirts are the reason I killed all those people in New York City . I finally understand what drove me to homicide ! Those shirts ! Those Shirts ! If only I could rid my mind of those horrible shirts !

    • Emillio Estevez, Jr.

      Perhaps we’ll be seeing Ashton take a few lives after wearing those shirts ? Let’s get a deadpool going on Ashton and the Bine & Bas shirts that drove poor David Berkowitcz to multiple homicide

  26. Billy Rubin

    That’s the kind of shirt and hat that Judge Smails wore in Caddyshack and Rodney Dangerfield insulted him about ! I wouldn’t wear a Bine & Bas Shirt if it would cure cancer and create world peace !

  27. Carl Spackler

    Bine and Bas shirts are made using slave orphan labor and use thread made from cat intestines!

  28. Carlos Esperanza

    I think it is the look of a child pornographer or molester when you buy and wear the Bine and Bas shirts

  29. terry

    Ashton is just a pretty boy plain and simple. This will be the last season of two and a half men. Screw that show.

  30. KumaTenshi

    Wow, hate much people?? Jesus.

    It’s basically like starting a whole new show, it’s not going to be like it was RIGHT THE FUCK AWAY. Give it some god damn time.

    Aside from the cringing opening, which was really not all that funny until the very end point of the funeral there, I thought it was a very good opener, very logical….and Ashtons entrance was hysterical! Sorry Charlie, you’re on the floor and Ashton put you there.

    Ashton playing the exact opposite of the character, and then turning into him without even realizing it, is quite funny. Not to mention, Judith’s reaction to seeing her ex being hugged by random naked man….priceless.

    There are many ways to go about this, and keep in mind, the cast are all having to get to know someone new, after YEARS of being with another person, who may have made them laugh, but also drove them insane.

    Just let them all get back to doing what they are used to doing, and everything will fall into place.

  31. Queen of Everything

    How much do they pay him? Does the network not require it’s employees to bathe? I’ve seen cleaner looking guys working carnivals. This guy is so distasteful to look at, I hope the show doesn’t air during dinner hour – oh and yes, he’s NEVER been funny. He has always been incredibly over-rated.

  32. axeswinger

    I’d like to smear shit in kutcher’s beard

  33. when you take the lead guy out of a sitcom he’s led for a decade you’ve pretty much ended the show. this will last half a season and it’s toast. too bad kutcher will be blamed for it. hasn’t he suffered enough having to fuck that old hag.

  34. Aussie Mama

    the show won’t last another 8 years. charlie is what made it…

  35. forrest gump

    that he isn’t funny is because he married a disable aged person like demi moore.
    that he isn’t crazy we seriously doubt that because he married too demi moore.

    • Please die now. Seriously, I’m not kidding. You suck more than black holes, exploding suppositories, Bin Laden’s returning from the dead, having to watch porn starring Rush Limbaugh and rendition to Gitmo. Combined.

  36. Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men
    Dave Mustaine
    Commented on this photo:

    Everybody wants to be Johnny Depp

  37. Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men
    Commented on this photo:

    Straight from the ceremony he went to audition for the role of the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.

  38. Nick

    Kutcher sucked the life out of the show. I didn’t realize how good an actor Cryer was until I saw him in light of Kutcher.

    An the title of the show sucked. I heard at least to good lines “Why can’t we see the body?” and “The dude in the dustbuster?” that would have been much better.

  39. Replace Ass-ton Kutcher with Tom Sizemore once he gets out of jail!!

  40. Helen

    What a stupid, stupid article. And I certainly don’t believe the whole E!News quote! The writer must be a Charlie hater.

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