In case you can’t tell by the headline, this post will tackle deep medical issues using the most scientific of terms. For realz. N/J. Every once in a while The Sun drops an expose that shakes the very field of journalism to its core. Today they examined the size of Ashlee Simpson’s breasts in relation to her sister Jessica and whether that size suggests Pete Wentz busted a baby up in that ass. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a report:
Ashlee, who got engaged to rocker boyfriend PETE WENTZ last month, has recently been subject of rumours surrounding a possible pregnancy.
But the eye-catching size of her bust pictured above will only increase speculation, as it looks like she’s developed a pair of CHRISTINA AGUILERA-style pregnancy boobs.
Dear Pulitzer Committee,
As an esteemed member of your establishment, I’m writing to gracefully request you withhold my Pulitzer and award it to the investigative team at The Sun. Not only did these brave individuals address the tough issues of how pregorific are Ashlee Simpson’s milk cannons, but they went the extra mile to compare her to Christina Aguilera. I like to believe their work speaks for itself, however, I could not sleep peacefully at night unless I did my very best to ensure their groundbreaking reporting was recognized.
Please, search your hearts and soul while weighing this monumental decision. And, also, take into account the true litmus test of any journalistic endeavor: OMG BOOBZ!
Semper Fi Mammarus,
The Superficial Writer