Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times:
Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her “icky parts.”
Boy goes to John Mayer’s house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie’s action to solve Boy’s problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says “Do you ever feel like we’re the only two souls on Earth.”
Boy wistfully responds “Yeah” then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says “Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don’t freak out.”
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it’s not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it’s only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan’s on…
Yup, same old story.