Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz unveil Bronx Mowgli

December 28th, 2008 // 32 Comments

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times:

Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her “icky parts.”
Boy goes to John Mayer’s house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie’s action to solve Boy’s problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says “Do you ever feel like we’re the only two souls on Earth.”
Boy wistfully responds “Yeah” then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says “Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don’t freak out.”
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it’s not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it’s only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan’s on…

Yup, same old story.

superficial

  1. Danklin24

    Aww he’s got Ashlee’s nose. Well, one of them at least.

  2. Kane

    I’m first – my penis is therefore huge.

  3. Kane

    Damnit, second.

    My penis has gotten shorter :(

  4. Truth doctor

    I was expecting a third line on the card.

    Something like “ps. she can take 3 fingers now! -pete”

  5. amanda

    so its a pic of the BABY right?
    why is it that the focus of the pic is the parents?
    these 2 suck

  6. Bill Clinton

    That kid is thinking “What the fuck…??? I am SO running away from home as soon as these losers teach me to walk!”

  7. Dolly

    Where are you, randall???

  8. Guest

    I didn’t even bother to read this
    because
    **NOBODY FUCKING CARES**

  9. Guest

    I didn’t even bother to read this
    because
    **NOBODY FUCKING CARES**

  10. Guest

    I didn’t even bother to read this
    because
    **NOBODY FUCKING CARES**

  11. Nice picture

  12. Savalas

    Bronx Mowgli? Is that some sort of joke, or are they completely moronic, or are they just a couple of racist fuckheads?

  13. Mowgli, isn’t that the name of those cute little guys that turn into gremlins???

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  15. Carlos

    After the “Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don’t freak out” step, you forgot the “Boy and John Meyer play Cowboy Rowboat” step.

  16. scabbeus

    The caption should read:

    Two repulsive fools and their mistake.

    Seeing their faces together, makes me think of bad breath and that nasty broad constantly giggling at nothing.

  17. She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site “”"” W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m”"”"”" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now? ?????????????????

  18. She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site “”"” W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m”"”"”" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now/?

  19. George W Bush

    With a name like “Bronx (your my bitch) Mowgli (the bear from the Jungle Book)Wentz” there’s little doubt this kid isn’t going to get the balls accross the nose treatment when he gets to school. I mean, the least they could do is give their little bone smuggler in training a fighting chance. A name like Bronx Mowgli just makes him a target to all children that don’t have fathers that think “the ball game” is something that precedes getting rammed in the shitter!!!!

  20. Nice try at getting some star wars cred, too bad these douches picked a fucking ewok name. The only thing worse would be jar jar, and only because the first 3 are better. And bronx? Seriously? I would love to see these fuckers in the bronx, please pete and ashlee bring your baby up to see the borough he was named after, take him on a walking tour.

  21. THE HEAD-FAGGOT KISSES the future-faggot.
    MARK THESE WORDS, folks!!

  22. friendlyfires

    That posting made me taste chunks, but in a good way.

  23. F-Obama

    Why did they name their kid after a Gremlin?

  24. Eat Me

    Mowgli is the little boy in the Jungle Book, and the Bronx would eat these two fluff brains alive. Mogwai(Mog-why) are the gremlins, the baby’s name is mow-glee. Let literacy reign.

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  26. -”Nice try at getting some star cred”= trying to be RD
    -”too bad these douches pick an ewok name” thats what you can come up with Backwood bitch?
    -”I would love to see these fuckers in the bronx” what the hell does that even mean?

    Geez us christ youre worthless #21 perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others…

  27. Lea

    ha ha that was so freaking hilarious ! i luv it u Rock man

  28. mai-tai

    I love you Superficial MF’s. #21 made me laugh my arse off and you others are hilarious! This website makes my day EVERY day!

  29. sorsa

    wait, its ACTUAL name is Bronx Mowgli? Omfg. We will all get release in about 9 years when the little Mowgli is strong enough to hold a chainsaw, killing his parents for that travesty of a name (and for being general douchebags).

  30. andrew_9045

    @20: Mowgli wasn’t the bear, asshat.

  31. Eaven

    OMG JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
    So what if they named their baby after a city in New York and a Disney jungle boy?
    That’s their business, not yours.

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