Ashlee Simpson makes highway pit stop

May 10th, 2006 // 192 Comments

With her new nose and giant sunglasses Ashlee Simpson is starting to look suspiciously a lot like Paris Hilton. Although if she’s planning to take her identity and inherit her fortune, she’s gonna have to work on looking less like she just saw a unicorn dancing on a rainbow, and more like she thinks poor people should be ground into soap and used to wash her car.


  1. Now now Megan, I did say you were better looking than Kirsten, don’t be so hard on yourself.

    Hehe, hard on.

  2. CruisingForCock

    99 I imagine your voice is whiny.

  3. smokeyrobinson

    I’d hit it only out of self-hatred.

  4. To all those who say that we insult these celebs because we are ugly and have no lives…..sorry kittens, but goodlooking people are WAY more disdainful than ugly ones. i.e…we mock them because we are hot. Except for Tom Cruise, we mock him because it’s fun to watch his craving for cock fighting with his desire to stay in the closet. “HEY TOM! YA GOT SOMTHING DRIPPING OFF YOUR CHIN!”

  5. Tiana

    I think her nose looks fucking great, yeah?

  6. krisdylee

    Dear Gawd, it’s me krisdylee…

    Bless Mommy and Daddy, and my kitty-cat and my goldfish, and even bless my rotten little brother..

    Bless all the poor starving people in the world.

    Bless my nana, and bless all my SF friends.

    And Gawd, if you could do one more thing? Please create a gaping hole in the ground and let Ashlee Simpson fall into it, never to be heard from again.


  7. BarbadoSlim


    You are one sick individual…and extremely well versed in the intricacies of homosexual literature.

  8. Tracy

    Her hands are there to help keep her mouth closed because her jaw can no longer handle the weight of her gigantic Jay Leno chin.

  9. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    #88 BigJim

    I think my abs are a little bit firmer from the laughter I was suppressing when I read that.

    Thanks for always being such an original mofo.

  10. liya

    Dear krisdylee and all the other unholy believers at the SF….. this is GOD speaking.

    I have tried, unsuccessfully, on various occassions to rid the world of these nast unnatural beings. Take Britney for instance, after strategically placing an infected needle directly in her path, i find that the her ripples of fat are so extensively chunky, that the poor old HIV virus was unable to fight through.

    Unfortunately, Satan has an unhealthy habit of intervening just in the nick of time. You see my dear krisdylee, skanky herpe infested whores are his speciality and he prefers them to remain on the earth so that they may continue to spread their skankiness and, thus, complete the destruction of the human race.

    Keep faith my dear krisdylee.

    Btw, if you happen to pass by heaven, look me up ;)

    Forever yours .. GOD

  11. zooza

    sweet jesus, this is still the top story? ashlee has a pit stop and has to shield her hard nipples from the prying lens of the paparrazi, i need a drink…

  12. Iambananas

    Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
    Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
    Porno Paparazzi girl, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl

    Go to Fred Segal, you’ll find them there
    Laughing loud so all the little people stare
    Looking for a daddy to pay for the champagne
    (Drop a name)
    What happened to the dreams of a girl president
    She’s dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
    They travel in packs of two or three
    With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees
    Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
    Oh where, oh where could they be?

    Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
    Porno Paparazzi girl, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl
    Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
    Push up my bra like that, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl

    (Break it down now)
    Disease’s growing, it’s epidemic
    I’m scared that there ain’t a cure
    The world believes it and I’m going crazy
    I cannot take any more
    I’m so glad that I’ll never fit in
    That will never be me
    Outcasts and girls with ambition
    That’s what I wanna see
    Disasters all around
    World despaired
    Their only concern
    Will they **** up my hair

    Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
    Porno Paparazzi girl, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl
    Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
    Push up my bra like that, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl

    Oh my god you guys, I totally had more than 300 calories
    That was so not sexy, no
    Good one, can I borrow that?

    (Do ya thing, do ya thing, do ya thing)
    (I like this, like this, like this)
    Pretty will you **** me girl, silly as a lucky girl
    Pull my head and suck it girl, stupid girl!
    Pretty would you **** me girl, silly as a lucky girl
    Pull my head and suck it girl, stupid girl!

    Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
    Push up my bra like that, stupid girl!

    Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
    Porno Paparazzi girl, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl
    Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
    Push up my bra like that, I don’t wanna be a stupid girl

  13. Iambananas

    She’s one of ^^^ them ^^^ now…’nuff said!

    -and I am bananas

  14. HelpMeI'mFalling

    I think that you are the biggest idiot on the planet. I would try to explain, but I think it speaks for itself.

    And the reason “why you often get first post” (re: 26) is because you are a moron who plays on a computer for five hours straight just so you can try to defend your dumbfuck comments to everyone who hates you.

  15. Iambananas


  16. Thank you HelpMe, your comment mean absolutely shit to me. You’re obviously retarded because you don’t understand the term joke.

    It distresses me that you would come here and talk about how moronic I am to defend my posts. Let’s look at this for a sec shall we. I make a statement, someone attacks my statement, I defend my statement, you attack my defenses. You see the problem with your logic?

    The fact that you can say that anyone ‘hates’ me is equally distressing because it shows you cannot distinguish between online worlds and real worlds. My only wish for you is death by Land-Man’s Land-cock. Thank you and good night.

  17. prideofchucky

    Okay kiddies! Time for the Ole Mailbag here at ASK MR. SCIENCE!

    Feed_Me_Chocolate writes:
    “Dear Mr. Science,
    What’s with her hands clasped demurely beneath her chin?”

    Well Feed_Me, the answer is that JOE SIMPSON’S POST-CLIMAXAL EXCREMENT, when fully dry, has the same bonding properties not unlike your common industrial strengh model airplane glue.

    Since Joe Simpson’s jizz is 1 part water 7 parts Methyl-2-Cyanoacrylate (CH2=C(CN)COOCH3) we here in the science field refer to
    JOE SIMPSON’S POST-CLIMAXAL EXCREMENT as an “Instant Adhesive” carrying a flashpoint of 77

  18. HelpMeI'mFalling

    you’re an idiot.

  19. HelpMeI'mFalling

    I read in the Ho-han posts that you have children…what is “distressing” to me is that you play in Superficial threads all day. Who the fuck is fathering the babies while you jack off on the computer and attempt to retort like a 12 year old?

  20. PeteMcLochness

    #115–there is no way anyone is a bigger idiot than LameBananas. That has to be the 20th time she’s pasted the lyrics to “stupid girls.” I think she’s trying to tell us something about herself.

  21. HelpMe, it’s called a job. Get ready because if you ever move out of your mother’s basement you’ll have to get one. Maybe you already have one but it is so demanding that you can’t break for a minute and hit the computer, afterall, fries don’t cook themselves.

    As for my children, who also outmatch your pathetic intellect, they are at school during the day while I am at work. You remember school, that place where everyone picked on you because you are retarded. The place where your mom would drive you to dances so you could stand in a corner and watch others socialize, then go home and cry yourself to sleep. I knew you’d remember it.

  22. HelpMeI'mFalling

    Good to know you are just another idiot who gets paid for being a dumb fuck. I moved out when I was 16, and I got a life. Maybe one day you will find one too. You’re a great role model. I can tell by your combative nature and moronic comments. Making more welfare babies, huh? Well, it’s good to know that you, at least, have trained them to grab your beer refills. That’s parenting, right there. Did they teach you that in school or your mother’s basement?

  23. Seamus Begonia Smell

    she is STILL ugly even with her worst feature remodeled! and remember when she said in a recent interview that she was better looking than jess, mainly because she has a better body?? she still looks like an ugly HORSE with a body that isn’t 1/100th as bangable as jessica’s!

    ashley, our lives here on earth are short. please stop wasting the public’s precious time spent feasting on media figures on people not worth looking at. thanks.

  24. CruisingForCock

    You guys missed the previous thread. It’s like a Grateful Dead concert on the SF now. Love and peace.. Smoke em’ if you got em’

  25. krisdylee

    Now, I don’t listen to Pink, but are those the real lyrics? Cuz if they are, isn’t lamebananananananananas violating some copyright law??? Sure wish Edna, in all her cuntiness, were here to report HER.

    Cheers all you fuckers, I am enjoying a glass of wine, and I may spark one big fat one up later, and I just might fuck my hubby’s brains out tonight…. Love you all.


  26. HelpMe, I know when I am outmatched. Anyone who takes what I say and throws it right back at me (mother’s basement) must be of superior intellect. My points are moronic but you are using them, but you are so smart and I am so moronic, ahhh, the paradox. It’s also funny that you post about my combative nature. Who invited you into this anyhow? It was between Lou and I until all the other asshats (except Zooza, who I like for some reason) decided to put in your half a cent worth.

    Let’s recap shall we. You are retarded and not worth any further comments.

    Lou, I like Lou, she’s got moxie. No real sense of adventure, but hey, to each their own.

  27. krisdylee

    I got ‘em, Cruising, wanna smoke ‘em???

  28. krisdylee

    wait guys.. thought I’d try this…

    dunno if I did this right.

  29. TrannyGranny

    Gerald Tarrant

    God, that sounds so British!

    Funny shit.

    That song

    AK Ak AK AK AK AK AK-47!!! I just adore!

    krisdylee…..shut the fuck up, I already fucked your husband, and he’s still locked in the closet crying *lights spliff, laughs quietly*

  30. CruisingForCock

    128 Only if you promise not to pass out

  31. HelpMeI'mFalling

    You are great at dodging the issues to bring up again and again the degree of my intellect. You said I’m “not worth any further comments” and I ask you, Do You Promise????

  32. Land-Man

    And the Land shall inherit the Earth.

  33. ellaminnowpea

    where’s the love? Gerald…I’d still do ya! AND Big Jim – WHO still says “NARDS”?!?! Dude – that is a blast from the past…WAAAAY past….where I can hardly remember….but I wanna know when you’re gonna drop that towel (get permission yet?!?!) And who are these people who are bringing the mean on?
    TCLTC–some things NEVER change
    & krisdylee–I’m a glass ahead of ya–can I share?
    And did I not tell you that Ashlee will be test drivin’ that new schnozz all over the SF in the next few weeks? Next thing ya know we’ll be seeing her pickin’ her boogers outta that thing! It slices, it dices, it vibrates….you KNOW it!!!

  34. Land-Man

    Thy Land-Balls and thy Land-Staff comfort me.

  35. Land-Man, confirm or deny if that is you in my link, #108. Thanks.

  36. Land-Man

    This is the dawning of the age of my Land-Balls
    the age of my Land-Ballsss

    I don’t want no scrubs, scrubs are the guys who can’t get no love from me, hangin’ out the passenger’s side of their best friend’s Land-Cock, tryin’ to holla at me…

  37. sweetcheeks

    Gerald, I gotta tell you, you’re casting pearls before swine. Let it go. You are clearly witty, and I like the name “Gerald,” so I offer this advice lovingly:

    THEY ARE ALL DEAD TO YOU. Namely “LOU” (who is very definitely “HelpMeImFalling” and “blondebubba”) is dead to you. Consequently, there is no need to respond to his posts… as much as you are twitching and frothing and yearning to burn him right back, it yields nothing.

    Without a response, posts like his seem spectacularly lame. Like he’s FISHING for attention and sucking the funny right out of a thread. DEAD TO YOU. Don’t give him satisfaction.

  38. CruisingForCock

    137 I think I love you.

  39. Land-Man

    ATTN Gerald:

    Yeah, that was my Land-Cock when I was like 8 months old. Isn’t that picture just average for all non-Land-Men?

  40. M@ce

    In an attempt to upstage magician David Blaine’s recent stunt, Megan Harris will attempt to spend two days submerged in a plastic sphere filled with Land-Juice. How this differs from her normal weekend plans is not known.

  41. amajean040904

    i think she llooks more like Nicole Richie but thats still a bad tjing.

  42. amajean040904

    #142 i mean thing.

  43. sweetcheeks

    M@ce — the force is strong with you tonight.

  44. Iambananas

    you are another child who is obsessed with me!

    I love obsessions with me…

    I can’t believe another one is added to the group.

    Okay, here are the rules to be in the club of people obsessed with me:



    1. Hang onto every word I think and express.

    2. Wait for me to post my next comment.

    3. Try to insult to get my attention and fulfill your pathetic life.

    4. Obsess over me… a lot

    5. Study what I type extensively.

    and finally…

    6. Comment about… well… (that’s right, you guessed it)… *********ME***********!!!

    (Looks like you’ve fulfilled ALL rquirements! You re officially obsessesd with me, like many others)


    (I’ve set up an e-mail account JUST especially for you obsessors…)

  45. M@ce

    You can reach me at the following:

  46. Iambananas

    M@ce is oficially a member of C.O.O.B.

  47. tsarinaamanda

    What the fuck do some of you have against Gerald? Did he kill your father and rape your mother? Damn, I’m, still not sure what started this, but if you don’t like him, you are certainly encouraged to go somewhere else. If you want to stay here, please post something witty or interesting. Observe Jacq, Papa, Feed_me, and BigJim, to name a few (forgive me, those of you I left out, I still love you guys!). Look at MeganHarris, Sherry-co, and lamebananas to see what NOT to do. Now carry on, all.

  48. M@ce

    And you, along with the malodorous Megan Harris, are founding members of The Sisterhood of the Reeking Poon. (TSRP)

    Stink Sisters Unite!

  49. M@ce

    The Cock Lacerates Tom’s Cornhole

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