Ashlee Simpson is milking those pregnancy rumors

April 24th, 2008 // 43 Comments

Ashlee Simpson continued to play cute about the rumors that she’s pregnant. You know, the ones that conveniently started spreading around the release of her new album. When asked if she was pregnant on Ellen Degeneres today, Ashlee wouldn’t give a definitive answer. God willing, she’ll be able to milk this until her next mediocre album in 2010. Us Magazine reports:

“Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something … because I don’t think I do,” before standing up.
Pointing to a photo of Jennifer Lopez, DeGeneres then asked, “You’re not going to keep this answer up as long as this woman did….”
Laughing, Simpson replied, “No, I’m not. I swear. I promise you that. I give you my pinky on that.”

After the show, Ellen decided to take Ashlee up on her offer and cut off her pinky for collateral. Pete Wentz heroically came to the rescue by whipping out his penis*. This caused Ellen to emit an ear-piercing shriek before changing into a bat and vanishing into the night. For such are the ways of her kind.**

*Presence of male genitalia assumed for comedic purposes only.

**Some scientists claim lesbians actually change into werewolves. The Superficial will not choose a side in this hotly contested debate until further research is conducted. Preferably in the form of pudding wrestling and/or nude decathlons.

Photo: Getty Images
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  1. Anonymous

    What a useless, talentless piece of shit. I want to bitchslap her so badly……

  2. NY Ted

    Agreed…I get seconds!

  3. Anal Fistula

    this must be a new writer…this shit is funny again!

  4. Hi, if you can read spanish and you like real stories…please go to
    http://www.cuentomihistoria.blogspot.com
    thanks!!!

    and may i add im from argentina, and i dont like ashlee…please get a real job girl!!!!

    bye

  5. veggi

    “I give you my pinky on that.”

    Actually, Fish, that’s code for a form of lesbian sex.

  6. Say What?

    And I’m supposed to give a fuck, why?

  7. deacon jones

    @5- you’d know ya fat hairy fuckface! I kid, I kid. Maybe….

    As for Ashley, um, yeah, don’t care.

  8. Vince Lombardi

    If she’s pregnant, it must have been an immaculate conception.

  9. Gorgeousy

    You know how teens often go through that awkward phaze where they try out new looks and hair styles, have bizarre fashion taste and never quite look comftorable in their body, well this skank is permanently stuck in that awkward stage. She tries so hard, but she is so undefined. To me she just screams “I’m stuck in the shadows of my sister giant boobs”. She looks like so many people yet no one in particular, she’s common and she tries to compensate for it with her weird style. Without her sister she would never have made it, she has the opposite of the “X” factor. She’s blandness personified covered in a vile layer of faux punk poser bullshit, but at least she’s not as bad as her dweeby finacee, don’t get me started on that tool, the other day I saw him wearing tight red jeans, NO PETE, just NO!

    I can’t believe she’ll be a Mom soon, she’s not even a woman yet… seriously regardless of her age she just hasn’t graduated to womanhood at all, she’s such a permateen.

  10. veggi

    I know. I’m such a loser. I do however have the love of a low paid midget prostitute.

  11. Pretty dress……………

    On a related note:

    Men who frequently masturbate appear to have a lower risk of developing prostate cancer, Australian researchers reported.

    Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria found that men who masturbated more than five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer.

    The study surveyed 1,000 men who developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who did not, and all were between the ages of 20 and 50, according to a report on Monday on the gay and lesbian news site PlanetOut.

    Click here to comment on this story.

    Researchers told the BBC last week that the prostate produces one of the fluids involved in ejaculation and that frequent masturbation appears to flush out carcinogens.

    Sexual intercourse may not have the same effect because it increases the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, which could raise the risk of cancer, the Web site reported.

    See Mom, I told you it was ok.!!!!!!!!!

  12. I don’t have to masturbate. I flush out my carcinogens on chick’s faces.

  13. I guess we won’t know if she’s carrying a parasite until it pops out of her belly button and bares its teeth and hisses, before scurrying across the room.

  14. tickled

    I hate you 15.

  15. hand in pocket, peering through your window

    ahhhh….delicious…FRISTY yum yums…lick lick lick…mmmmm…

  16. Fuck you #14.

    Hey is there such thing as AMS???? (After Menstrual Syndrom) Because I’m REALLY pissed today for no reason at all. I feel like killing somebody.

    Where’s Heidi Montag??

  17. And what the frick #17???

    WHAT THE FRICK??

  18. Fish, you missed the best part of the Miss England story – the 176lb finalist:

    http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/04_01/missenglandSplitb_468x396.jpg

  19. poonmoon

    I cannot decide which comment to post so I’ll post all 7 in one. It’s a 7 for 1 deal, like if you marry Kim Kardashian you’re really getting 7 asses for the price of one. Now if only I can get pizza places on board with this concept.

    #1.Fish if Pete whipped out his penis wouldn’t that just confuse Ellen? She’s be like “what Pete you want me to lop off your pinky instead? Okay that works for me, but just one question what is your pinky finger doing down there?”

    #2. Nah Fish Pete wasn’t being heroic and trying to save Ashlee he just wanted to give Ellen his pinky swear too and Ellen flew off terrified because she’s never seen a lap pinky before.

    #3. Maybe Ellen was just scared because she was sure Ashlee was a lesbian and when she saw proof that Wentz is technically a dude she flipped out, I mean really doesn’t Pete look exactly like a fugly gay chick? ( note to all: do not mistake ugly straight couples for lesbian couples).

    #4. Actually Ellen isn’t scared of penises, since she has one herself, it’s more that she’d never seen such a small one before and she went flying off to get a camera before the little ewok got spooked and tucked it back in.

    #5. If you had flying powers and a douchetroll whipped out his dong you’d be off in a flash too.

    #6. Funny I didn’t know gremlins had penises. Well I guess Ashlee got it wet since now they are expecting a whole litter of pointy eared furballs. (Hmmm, that’s why she’s being so mum about the pregnancy, she’s not having a typical child bearing process and it’s a little embarassing). Ashlee don’t you know that you are supposed to keep gremlins in the dark and out of daylight, so fucking put Wentz back in the closet or wherever you keep him locked up and don’t let him out again, seriously the world cannot handle his presence. Very bad things will happen if you let him see the light of day.

    #7. Yeah Ellen is terrified of lap pinkies. Aren’t you guys?

  20. nipolian

    #11 – If that study is correct, then Pete Wentz better get his ass checked out because it has to be full of those carcinogens.

  21. MightyD

    A baby? wouldn’t it be “CHINtastik”?

    #15 and #18 DIE YOU F*CKIN’ PARASITES!

  22. Fumus

    Kim Kardashian is a fat whore!!

    Fat !! Fat!! Fat! Fat!

    Sexy…nope.

    Fat….Yes.

    Kim = Large Marge

  23. mamadough

    she’s probably just holding in a deuce.

  24. hey hey

    I think she already had a baby. Look how saggy those boobies are!

  25. No one should believe her pinky. That pinky is with Pete Wentz.

  26. In Awe

    More than likely, “she’ll be able to milk this until her next mediocre album” is so right on the truth !!!
    She’s playing the public like she plays her favorite song, which just so happens to be sister Jessica’ tune “Walkin Round in a Circle”
    (imagine that – clueless c * nt)

  27. lipper

    That dress looked like it came off my grandma’s lampshade. And she stole her pearls too! The bitch.

    Doesn’t she look more and more like one of the Olsen twins? Creepy shit. Cept with saggy boobs?

  28. rocks

    Her head has as much hair on it as kim k’s ass.

  29. Don’t say “penis” to Ellen or this is what you’ll see…

  30. Mags

    The guys (except for, apparently Texas Tranny,) would not appreciate that dress. The ruffle is a cute embellishment. Designers have done much weirder than this in the past.

    But my question is: why would someone’s pregnancy FUEL album sales? I wouldn’t buy someone’s album just because she was pregnant. Being pregnant does not actually make a person more interesting or an artist more talented. I don’t see the link there.

    Also? I’ve never heard a single song of hers. What does she sound like? All high and breathy like La Spears,?

  31. Auntie Kryst

    Did we cover off that this twat has a razor sharp chin and Pete Wenz is an emo-fag? We did?? Ok, then I got nothin’.

  32. ch474

    Did someone photoshop Ashlee’s plastic face onto a plastic manequin or something? And why is it one sister gets all the boobs for the whole family.

  33. boo

    #32 Pregnancy wouldn’t necessarily fuel her sales, but it does keep her in the news, so free publicity.

    #9 I cracked up at “permateen”, what a great word

  34. hahaha

    on a good note, her new album is bombing. woo hoo!

  35. shanipie

    OMG this girl is such a fucking retard.

  36. Lilypie

    She is pregant. One of her friends claim this point via her blog on M I L L I O N A I R E LOVER.C O M where the millionaire & celebrity gather!

  37. Nancy

    Beautiful dress. I once viewed her profile with 20 photos at*****MyInterracialMatch . c om****** where i have met many single black and white guys, they make me happier..

  38. PrehistoricGlamazonHuntress

    ch474, Jess got all the boobs, and Ashlee got all the chins. Gotta keep it fair, ya know.

    Isn’t there some way they can shave that thing down? Belt sander? Reciprocating (spelling?) saw?

  39. Jdog

    seriously… this is the new writer? the comments aren’t even grammatically correct, let alone interesting or funny. this is not what i’m here for. i choose this site over the competitors because the writing is excellent. no longer. hire me to write for you, the superficial. i’m three sheets in and i’m still cock and balls above your current scab writer.

  40. TommyP

    Hee hee, you said pregnancy and milking in the same sentence!

  41. David

    what a retarded loser. she needs an education before she starts popping out other retards.

  42. NIng_ning

    She is a major f*ck up no talent and got pregnant by the ugly guy well they say two ugly people make pretty babies, jessica can keep a man i guess the dumb blonde isn’t working no more everybody hit and leave her coochie no good.

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