Ashlee Simpson has issues

December 7th, 2005 // 48 Comments

asimpson_scared.jpgAshlee Simpson recently talked about the smorgasbord of physical and psychological problems that have made her the Carrie of hollywood starlets.

“When I went to ballet school, I was around a lot of girls with eating disorders, and I actually had a minor one myself,” she said. “It was about six months of not eating too much at all. I was 11 and 5 feet 2 and about 70 pounds. My parents stepped in and made me eat. That really helped a lot.” Now she says her best feature is her rack. “I have amazing boobs. I do, I know it. They’re not too big, not too small. They’re just perfect.”

It’s always a red flag when someone says their best feature is something you can’t see. It’s like Stephen Hawking saying his best feature is his vertical leap. I’m not buying it till she shows us the goods. And judging by the somewhat fragile nature of her self-esteem, that won’t be long. All those weeks of following her around and calling her ‘Fatlee Blimpson’ will soon pay off. Oh yes.

Ashlee Simpson’s Battle With Anorexia [ETOnline]

UPDATE: And just for reference, here’s Ashlee at the Billboard Music Awards yesterday. Perfect boobs? You be the judge.

superficial

  1. ElFurbe

    I think I’d like to investigate this “perfect boob” assertion more carefully. I mean, who is she to decide? How many boobs has she examined to validate this claim? And where are the pictures and videos of these examinations? I would need to see those…alone…or possibly live re-enactments featuring Ashley as herself assaying the boobs of many women before I could get behind this “perfect boob” statement. All I’m after is the truth. And videos to sell on the internet. And more truth.

  2. That hardly counts as anorexia. Every girl gives eating disorders a whirl–it’s part of the horrible lurching rollercoaster that is adolescence. I had an eating disorder when I was 14. I gave up eating for two weeks, and then got so bored, I went back to it. Ashley wants some drama, poor thing, now that Jessica’s got that whole “ooh, look at me I’m divorced” shtick going on.

  3. mushmouth

    Well, Joe seems to concur, anyways.

  4. ClassicSsuan

    Ashlee looks like an ostrich face…Go stick your head in the ground…

  5. minnesotacharm

    I’d suggest her biggest issue, long term, is her lack of talent.

  6. Ashlee’s biggest problem is Papa Joe.

    Oh, look at me. I’m actually making sense here.

    What’s wrong with me?

  7. HollyJ

    “I’d suggest her biggest issue, long term, is her lack of talent.”

    ^5 MN

  8. Binky

    Ok – I take back my Gene Simmons comment from a while back. If she can lipsync kneeling – I’m sure the ‘talent’ part will be nurtured…

  9. Bob Denver

    Ashlee should marry Nick Lachey, that would get her plenty of news!

    BTW, her breasts really are her greatest asset. I hope she presents them to us soon. Hopefully while I’m at my local McDonald’s.

  10. JudithJetson

    Based on those pictures and her slim frame, I’d say her breasts look pretty good. She’s very small and her breasts are appropriate for her body. I wouldn’t complain.

    Now, as for the rest of her -lack of talent included – well, let’s all be grateful she has “perfect boobs” for us to be entertained by.

  11. DevilsChrome

    *sigh*

    Dear Ashlee,

    Since you don’t have any vocal talent – which for some reason doesn’t bother the people buying your records or MTV – I’d hang onto your looks with the death grip of a Skeksi. So for starters, you should take a nose job into serious consideration.

    And anorexia should be a last resort for when your father pushes you to do that Barbara Walters interview. Don’t waste that kind of publicity on Entertainment Tonight. Silly girl!

    xo
    Devil Is. Chrome

  12. Popz9

    so God made jessica and thought… hmmm since i saved so much on brains and personality i’ll make her a sister…

    well God u failed…… this dim-wit has the voice of a drunk bar-whore and looks like she’s been up all night fending off the entire cast of the average joe’s… perfect tits.. ha… oh honey… if that was all it took…. if her brain was in her tits then that would be something impressive…

    my name is ashlee… let me think.. (touches breasts)

  13. Aaron

    Dude, Ashlee is hot and her boobs look pretty good to me. Plus, that tongue she has is really sexy to me.

  14. This is a smart move for Ashlee. Whereas most women get offended when men eschew eye contact for a visual survey of their chest, Ashlee realizes that this natural act draws away attention from her average appearance and lack of talent.

  15. Tink

    Ummm… remember the last piece about Ashlee?, with the picture of her boobs hanging out? The right one looked rippled, which made me think they were fake, and now she’s stating how much she likes them. Only girls with fake ones really like their breats, except for the ones who have rippled fake boobs. So I can’t figure out why she thinks they’re “perfect”

  16. hafaball

    Hey…these pictures of her are actually good. I mean, in the sense they don’t make me want to vomit. And she had a little anorexia? Does she really think that’s an excuse for acting like an idiot? Oh somewhat famous people always crack me up. I have a feeling in the force these blonde bombshells with no talent are coming to an end…which means the death of The Superficial. O.o

  17. Cy

    Actually, she’s probably right. Her boobs are her best asset. Of course, that’s not saying much.

    What else would it be? Her stellar vocal talent? Her stunning facial beauty? Her entrancing personality?

  18. Xanthia

    ~sigh~ Ashlee, Ashlee, Ashlee………… you do not have issues… YOU ARE AN ISSUE!

    (a sad pathetic issue – but just the same)

  19. CoJo

    Let’s be honest. Her most attractive feature is her sister! The most “talented” thing about her is her sister. She is desperate for attention…when do you think her sex tape will come out???

  20. CoJo

    Oh, right. When someone agrees to have sex with her!

  21. martini1275

    Just because she might think she gives good head with that long tongue, doesn’t mean she can go ahead and say she has great boobs? Its like her saying she has talent. She sucks! And so does her sister but at least her sister has the right to say she has great boobs.

  22. plumcrazy

    Forget about the boobs, check out the hair cut? I think her stylist missed a peice in the front… She looks rediculous…

  23. JerseyGirl

    Is it me or do you any of you think that Ashlee Simpson and Kimberly Stewart were seperated at birth?

    I mean, they’re both no-talent Big Bird bobble-heads that desperately try to get attention when everyone just wants them to GO AWAY!

  24. JerseyGirl

    P.S. she sucked on the Billboard Music Awards last night. She should have lip-synced.

  25. careyanne

    at least she realizes her best feature isn’t her face or her voice.

    desperate cry for attention, maybe? she’ll never live up to her sister, which really isn’t saying much!

  26. FreekyDeeky

    Someday there will be a “reality” show where if you don’t win, you get stoned to death. I’d like to see ms. simpson on that show along with mariah carey, britney spears, christina aguilera, terrell owens, and clay aiken. god willing, clay will be victorious.

  27. derekd

    Does anybody else find that hair style annoying? I mean it screams, “I’m so not like my sister!!” If she would like to get some recognition as being the better sibling maybe she should show the world how much smarter she is from Jessica. ROFLMAO Still though that ho down dance she did at the SNL fiasco was mastercard priceless!

  28. grasshopper

    I’d give her a try. She cant sing, cant act! Maybe she is good with her ummm… best features and that tounge she was showing last week! I could look past the bad singing.. haha =)

  29. She’s just trying to take attention off of her nose and lack of singing talent. I’m not sure how she could stand next to her sister all her life and still think that her boobs are anything to shout about.

  30. HollyJ

    My god…look at the full-frame of that first shot…
    Has she strapped sea urchins to the top of her eyelids?

    Note to her gay-man beautician: Rein back a bit on the fake lashes, dude. I realize you’re desperately trying to take focus off the enormous dorsal hump of her scary witchnose, but christ almighty, I could use those eyelashes to rake the yard.

    I vote that from now on, all these stars have to come to these “awards” programs with ZERO make-up. I wanna see what’s really going on under there. We’ll see how “beautiful” they are without Vidal’s urchin strap-ons.

  31. Sparkly Toaster

    If she actually came out as a secret lady-boy at least she would finally have a valid talking point.

  32. laurak

    It must be really hard to be the Ashlee Simpson of the family! Where did she come from, anyway? She looks like a crow! (…and I suppose sounds like one too!)

  33. becca11

    That sucks. Her best feature is her tits… and those still aren’t as good as her sister’s. But perhaps she is right. Her personality, intelligence, cute face, cute figure, talent DEF aren’t her best features… so i guess the boobs would be about right.

  34. sassy

    She has THE MOST PERFECT BOOBS, they are balanced with her nose… in fact… if you put a ruler from the tip of her nose up to her boobs.. you’ll see they make a perfect 90

  35. Sally

    Ashlee reminds me of the junkie prostitute that you always see outside low rent bars… You know the one with no teeth and a stench about her that could only have come from one place? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be having fish dinners any time soon… Thanks a lot Simpson…

  36. Nurse Kellie

    LMAO Sally I believe you got it right!!

  37. andrea22

    How about she become less concerned with her “fat”, and more concerned with that gonzo like beak protruding from her haggard fuckin face!

  38. Ashland

    Did someone attack her in the night and violently whack at her hair with garden shears? It must’ve been “Dollar Day” at the salon. Damnit, you always get what you pay for!!

  39. thesuperficialist

    “Ummm… remember the last piece about Ashlee?, with the picture of her boobs hanging out? The right one looked rippled, which made me think they were fake, and now she’s stating how much she likes them.”
    It’s the shadow of her hair. Those “ripples” continue right up to her neck.

  40. al rarow

    I still think she’s super-cute, even if she has no talent.

    I wonder if she’ll get ducklips like her sister? That’s when I throw in the towel.

  41. lebowski

    I don’t know why people keep comparing her to her sister. They are one and the same to me, which means I think they are the two most desperate women on the planet (and that includes the old wrinkley housewives).

  42. shmegs

    I am glad that you brought this up. I just noticed yesterday that she is lopsided. Her left boob is a big fatty, while her right boob is a medium guy. This is apparent in a lot of photos of her actually.

  43. rocker16x

    wow ppl are haters i do think she has nice boobs if you like them that size which i do ….
    you guys are just calling her ugly because you guys probably look like shit .. and what makes you feel better ..? making fun of others when they cant see you what a great job guys ;] full of idiots

    plus i do think she has some talent … she is no kurt kobain but she does her own lil thing

    -steven

  44. brookiebabers

    why? I ask you why? why do people have to be so mean? no wonder ashlee has problems when you call her stuff like ‘Fatlee Blimpson’ if I was continueally critzed I would have problems too!!! You shouldnt critze cuz she is different I don’t care for ashlee simpson or her music but I don’t sit there and make fun of her b/c she doesn’t look like a blonde twig which seems to be everyone in hollywood these days!! look at lindsey lohan or Hillary Duff? they have conformed into blonde little sticks I would pick Ashlee over either of those girls anyday! ashlee is really she isn’t trying to be what she’s not she is conforming into the typical hollywood type and I congradulate her on not becoming just like everyone else and you are all just haters with nothing better to do than make fun of someone who never did anything to you she is a real person and has feelings too and how do you think she would feel if she saw what you all had written i know if I read that about myself i would probably kill myself!!!!!! think about what you say before you say it please….

  45. otownkid

    i’d sleep with her again

  46. A Nobody

    Her hair is so fucked up. I guess she ruined it when she died it into another color.

  47. Phoenix Guy

    I’ll take Ashlee Simpson over Jessica any day! I have a fetish for girls with big noses and long tongues. E-mail me at desertdweller11@aol.com and tell me what you think.

  48. I'm your eyes with the handle of the death of a Skeksis. So to start, you should take a serious nose job consideration.

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