Artie Lange stabbed himself 9 times in suicide attempt

January 7th, 2010 // 144 Comments

Comedian Artie Lange was hospitalized over the weekend and his reps have now confirmed it was a suicide attempt involving several stab wounds. Page Six reports:

Lange’s frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six “hesitation wounds” and three deep plunges. A source close to Lange’s management team confirmed that the Howard Stern sidekick stabbed himself, adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food. Surgeons managed to save Lange despite heavy bleeding.
“We all have our demons,” Stern said on-air this week, referring to Lange’s past battles with addiction.

Considering Artie Lange spends 98% of his day turning his body into a massive tankard of barbiturates, I’m having a hard time feeling sorry since he probably didn’t feel a thing or remembers what the fuck happened. To put things in perspective, I guarantee you this is a man who’s woke up at least once with a harpoon sticking out of his chest only to shrug it off and order 20 pizzas.

GET. SOME. GODDAMN. HELP.

Photo: WENN
superficial

  1. Joe

    Why did Artie stab himself 9 times? Because 9 is the funniest number!

    Ah, that Artie, always funny.

  2. The Pope

    The guy is a millionaire. If he wants help, he can get it. If he wants a bigger knife, I’ll buy him one. I hope the quarantined his apartment building. God only knows what kinds of diseases and smells there are there since he was bleeding all over the place. If he wants to be John Belushi so bad, just get it the hell over with.

  3. SATAN

    the line about the harpoon and the pizzas was priceless.
    and who the fuck tries such a ridiculous way of killing themselves? what is this, Hamlet?

  4. db

    “adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food”

    There is the beginning of the problem, Arty.

  5. All the butthurt Howard Stern/Artie Lange fans are just like their hero – they can dish it out but they can’t take it. Especially true for 2-faced, spineless worm boy Howie. Wah!

  6. androo

    more proof that artie lange is an incinvible drug absorbing machine. seriously this guys could call chris farly and belushi lightweights.

    hes also funny as fuck

  7. gigi gambino

    Dear Superficial Dickhead:
    Ordinarily I laugh along with your smarmy, acerbic witty commentary about the dregs of “celebrity” antics in the news. However, this time you are really an asshole about what you wrote regarding Artie Lange. He is a sweet, kind dear man who has demons up the wazoo and for him to act in such a desperate and sad manner is, of course, news worthy, but not fodder for your cheap shots. Christ! Take five minutes to talk to the guy, and I have as we are neighbors in NJ, and you will know that like most comedians he is deeply troubled (think Chris Farley, John Belushi, etc) but that beneath the funny guy exterior lies the heart of a man just trying to make people laugh in order to forget about his own pain for a little while. And yes, I do feel sad that his poor mother had to find her beloved son in a bloody mess, but the good thing is that at least she found him in time to save his life. And, I will attest ARTIE’S LIFE IS ONE WORTH SAVING. So back the fuck off or else I shall leave little lesbian Leprechaun bread crumbs from Tila Tequila’s doorstep straight to your own. God knows she’s looking for her next victim. Fucker.
    Still love you, btw (ours is a complicated relationship.)
    Gigi

  8. Dave

    Unfortunate but not the least bit surprising. Arite is a walking train wreck, which the Stern Show perpetuates.

    He should have left in January like he threatened to do in ’08. On the show, he’s the fat, drug-addled loser and object of everyone’s mockery, and he can’t handle that. No, Howard et al didn’t cause this, but they certainly didn’t help.

    Here’s hoping he gets better and stays the HELL AWAY FROM THE STERN SHOW.

  9. Dave

    #100, you’re exactly right:

    http://thesuperficial.com/2010/01/artie_lange_stabbed_himself_8.php#comment-3813502

    Howard wants shit like this on the air, and fuck anyone’s feelings or well-being.

    More to the point, does Howard even matter anymore? No one ever talks about him since he moved to satellite no man’s land.

  10. Slice

    i don’t know… the comment in question seems like more of a disgusted exaggeration than a blatant “haha look how funny i am” kind of joke. at least that’s how i took it.

  11. Zinx

    I’ve read a handful of comments and I’ve realized that most people are insensitive shitheads who has nothing better to do other than make fun of this very real situation. To all those assholes FU!!!! You’re everything that is wrong in this world and I hope it was worth it .

    And to those who are Howard fans shitting on artie. Why the fuck do you bother listening to HS? If you do nothing but whine and hate about everything in his show. Howard is right, Mariah Carey has better fans than he does. Stop listening to him if you have such a big problem. Go fuck yourselves!!!! and Jackie ain’tt coming back so stop dreaming

  12. HITLER

    After seeing what a douchebag he was on “Joe Buck Live”, I can really give a shit.

    P.S. I LOVE KIDS!!!

  13. HITLER

    After seeing what a douchebag he was on “Joe Buck Live”, I can really give a shit.

    P.S. I LOVE KIDS!!!

  14. HITLER

    After seeing what a douchebag he was on “Joe Buck Live”, I can really give a shit.

    P.S. I LOVE KIDS!!!

  15. Avi

    poor guy. he’s been struggling for years. i hope he gets some help. i don’t really see how it’s funny.

  16. qtpie

    You’re an ass!

  17. Oh!! no, suicide is not a solution to any problem. Be a man !!

  18. I’m not trying to start an argument but according to the AMA addiction is a disease, and most of the time it is hereditary. I understand that to people who haven’t experienced or been effected by addiction feeling this way. I too felt the same in the past until it affected me, and through necesity I was educated as to what drug addiction truly is. It is a disease takes hold of you and slowly but surely robs you of your soul until there is nothing left to take.

  19. the lorax

    Fuck Jackie. Artie wasn’t trying to kill himself, he just didn’t realize where the steak ended, and his stomach began. A-1 sauce can do that to you. Get well Artie. Fuck Jackie.

  20. I’m not trying to start an argument but according to the AMA addiction is a disease, and most of the time it is hereditary. I understand that to people who haven’t experienced or been effected by addiction feeling this way. I too felt the same in the past until it affected me, and through necesity I was educated as to what drug addiction truly is. It is a disease takes hold of you and slowly but surely robs you of your soul until there is nothing left to take. I know we don’t see many 2 year old addicts but we don’t see any 2 year olds with Alzheimers and that is a disease as well.

  21. Bosco

    Stern and Lang would be making fun of this if it had been anyone else. I hope Lang gets help but it is sorta ironic. Thank god Stern is on satellite now so almost no one hears him.

  22. spicy

    gross. how does anyone feel bad for this.

  23. Rogue

    Cowards. If you really want to kill yourself, you can get the job done without all the dramatic bullshit. The whole crying out for help crap is so old. You know how to ask for help? You say, “Help me.”

    Natural selection: weed’em out bitches!

  24. Wow. Just wow.
    It amazes me how pathetic some people are. The man DID seek help. He had some major issue. Not everyone can grow up surrounded by white picket fences and roses.

  25. drenk

    i guess he didnt want to wait for his clogged heart to give out

  26. drenk

    i guess he didnt want to wait for his clogged heart to give out

  27. BiJenni

    Is he dead yet?

  28. James

    This is classless even for this site. He tried to commit suicide. Surely you could suspend the frat-boy snark long enough to show an ounce of sensitivity. This is my last visit to this site.

  29. Jim

    Who are you to stand up on your high and mighty pulpit passing judgement on a person you probably have never met? Maybe you should get out from behind your laptop and visit the real world where people have issues (some more severe then others and demons that sometime seem invinceable). Imagine how desparate & alone you have to be to stab yourself 9x’s… There are certainly easier and less painful ways of killing yourself (maybe you should give it a try) !!!
    You HACK!!!!!

  30. NatTurner

    Wow, and white people are calling Gilbert Arenas stupid. I just dont get it!

  31. Fart Hammer

    The Stern show stopped being funny when Artie joined the cast. Better luck next time, Artie! You killed the Stern show, but you can’t kill yourself? You’re a total failure.

  32. SNOOZE...NEXT...WHO CARES.

    ANOTHER NO-TALENT BITES THE DUST.

  33. fuckface

    the people badmouthing artie…..your a bunch of fat pimplefaced losers who have never and will never accomplish anything in your living in your mom’s basement-still living off her tit-never been fucked-beating off to animal porn-pathetic lives….please go and die…fuck your mother your dad and your grandmother…bunch of gay-no talent-waste of time/flesh-pathetic losers……please fuck yourselves and die a slow painful death…..you are a waste….thank you

  34. BooBooTheFool

    Damn, that is fucking hardcore. Screw all those other fucks who slit wrists or take pills. A real man stabs himself repeatedly.

  35. AmeriCanadian

    What a dumbass.

  36. Jarrtie Borst

    What a let down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. Who Was I last Time?

    “The Stern show stopped being funny when Artie joined the cast.”
    PERFECT comment – we agree in my household – the dumb fat fuck needs help – but do NOT bring him anywhere near my Howard Stern show again. The best the show has been fab without Mr Lange. Artie, you can’t even get suicide right!
    Thank You Very Much, a long-time listener (since ’92 and two book signings).
    Bye Artie,
    Julie
    ding dong Artie is gone, ding dong the nasty, ugly, stupid, Artie is gone! Now, if only Robin could get some actual facts posted in a newscast. Sorry Howard, you have been playig with turds – but, hey, at least Fred is cool.

  38. I think my name is Julie

    Howard,
    As a 30 yr listener on and off (DC 101/ABC NY when I got a chance) and a 16 yr listener full time – hiring “Party Artie” was truly a mistake from my experience. I am re-figuring it now, I don’t hate Artie as I thought from the first minute I heard him talk about his own STUPID problems – I hate you Howard for keeping him past the third time he messed up (can’t believe I would write that, but after inner evaluations, you come up as the culprit for running your own show into the ground with Artie’s idiocracy). No, okay, change that, I love you Howard, but I would hate if Artie gets any chance in Hell again with your show. No kidding, I be sick to the point that I turn on the Bloomberg Report instead! Gross to think I have to hear Artie the Fartie whine his asshole NJ whine back into the show – all about how he had it so bad . … .. don’t let him back . . unless you want no respect before you retire.
    Man up Artie. BTW, Bruce Springsteen sucks and always has! Yes, I was forced against my better judgment to go to the LA Coliseum to watch this guy – the person trying to convince me also was disappointed – the only decent song was a Stevie Nicks / Fleetwood Mac song. You probably have the play list for the tour with your saliva on it so you can check that the band played such a tune in Nov ’84 in Los Angeles to realize I am a woman of good memory and TASTE.
    HOWARD, please get George Takei as your sideman for ever and ever. He is a real man, even though he loves a man, he admits it and gives intelligent opinion that the audience deserves. I’m not a gay lover, far from it, but my husband and I appreciate George and his contributions to the show. Announce that he is on regularly and I send you a case of your favorite champagne! Okay, a case of White Star, we are having a poor economy.
    Please tell Robin to go study how to report the actual news and not continue with the “I’m not sure” reporting. BTW Fred ROCKS
    Julie / California – first time writer – that may be obvious

  39. BiJenni

    Seriously, is that fat fuck of a loser dead yet?

  40. the way I see it Artie was just trying to eat himself… now thats funny!

  41. Oh Shyt I Stabbed Myself… Wah! Wah! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Oh My!

  42. PittyPat

    Whatever the hell is Artie’s problem, only he and his therapist will know, but I miss him on the show. He was a great ad-libber, and a funny guy. It’s true, he should talk less about his personal issues because he is starting to sound
    repetitive and redundant. (Who gives a crapp?) He does a good job on the Stern show. That’s all we should care about. Climb off the rest of the nonsense.

  43. i thought arty lange died 5 years ago?

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