Artie Lange stabbed himself 9 times in suicide attempt

January 7th, 2010 // 144 Comments

Comedian Artie Lange was hospitalized over the weekend and his reps have now confirmed it was a suicide attempt involving several stab wounds. Page Six reports:

Lange’s frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six “hesitation wounds” and three deep plunges. A source close to Lange’s management team confirmed that the Howard Stern sidekick stabbed himself, adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food. Surgeons managed to save Lange despite heavy bleeding.
“We all have our demons,” Stern said on-air this week, referring to Lange’s past battles with addiction.

Considering Artie Lange spends 98% of his day turning his body into a massive tankard of barbiturates, I’m having a hard time feeling sorry since he probably didn’t feel a thing or remembers what the fuck happened. To put things in perspective, I guarantee you this is a man who’s woke up at least once with a harpoon sticking out of his chest only to shrug it off and order 20 pizzas.

GET. SOME. GODDAMN. HELP.

Photo: WENN
superficial

  1. Mike`

    Artie himself would probably laugh at what was written. Did any of you bleeding hearts see his performance on joe buck live??? Go to a reputable news site if you want serious news.

  2. Hope he gets better soon

    This is unfortunate. The dude has some talent; I saw his movie “Beer League”, and it was funny. I hope he gets better soon…

  3. mikeybikey

    this wasnt a cry out for help. the moron stabbed himself over half a dozen times! i have been a huge fan of arties since the beginning of mad tv, when i was like 12. i loved that he was added to howard, and miss that dont get to listen to the show anymore. but this doesnt surprise me, OR make me feel bad for him. the idiot needs to either do it right next time, or GET SOME FUCKING HELP, just like the supe writer said. i have no compassion for someone who destroys themselves, yes, i have watched it a few times with people close to me. keep doin what you do fish, thats why I come to this site.

  4. Amanda

    I don’t understand why everyone is acting all butt-hurt at the post. On the show, they have been joking for YEARS about Artie’s addictions. It’s not like it’s a secret. Last line of the post ‘GET. SOME. GODDAMN. HELP.’ -spot on. This guy has major problems, but he continually refuses to get help (despite numerous offers and attempts from friends and family). I think the angry posters here have their internet-panties in a bunch because Artie is “One of Them” in a sense. If this was Lindsay Lohan, would you be tripping over yourselves to defend her?

  5. edb87

    @54 – Agreed. He’s on the fucking Howard Stern show. He can take a hit.

    I feel bad for him, but all you people need to rearrange the self-righteous “woe is me, boo to you” stick thats up your ass.

  6. why

    i dont get what the obsession about this guy is. if he werent on howard stern, would anyone give 4 shits? he appears in local papers all the time around where he lives (hoboken)… seriously, no one cares. if a random black guy in the ghetto or a spanish guy in union city did the same, you wouldnt see it in the papers every time.

  7. Zach

    Comment when you guys know what the F*!$ you’re talking about. Artie has been battling his demons and getting help. It is a sad state of affairs when you think it’s funny and ok to make light of the situation of a troubled man trying to take his own life. Hope you don’t mind us making fun of you when your Mom dies, girlfriend dumps your ugly ass or you get cancer…

  8. The Observer

    This is very sad. The writer saved himself at the end of the post by saying GET. SOME. HELP.

    THe Mind is very powerful and sometimes you DO NOT have control over what is going on. Depression is an awful, awful, awful feeling. Take it from someone who knows first hand. It can eat you up and spit you out. Worst of all, you have not control over it. It’s a chemical thing that just happens. It sucks. I completely understand.

  9. Sweeney

    Shit, that’s fucked up nigga.

  10. radio_babylon

    suicide is the final refuge of the coward. folks who commit suicide are selfish assholes who dont deserve an ounce of sympathy. people who TRY to kill themselves and fail deserve even less. theyre either 1) selfish asshole *attention whores* or 2) selfish asshole fuckups who cant even manage to get suicide right (its not rocket science).

    no, if we were talking about someone that WASNT a selfish asshole fuckup coward, someone trying to make the most of their life that was cut down before their time by accident or malice, THAT would be tragic. this? this is just… pathetic.

  11. Fas(c)h(ion)ist(a)

    Who gives a shit about this Stern wack-pack moron? Suicide by stabbing? He probably thought gremlins were crawling up his body trying to steal his sammitch.

  12. hayena

    What a waste of human flesh. The world would lose nothing by losing this pathetic piece of shit.

  13. Sport

    Who the fuck STABS themselves in a suicide attempt?
    Especially someone who has massive drugs at his disposal at all times. WOW – I cant think of a worse, more painful way to end it.

    Oh and #4 you are a fucking moron. “Artie is a good man?”
    As in, if this was someone else him and Stern wouldnt rip on that person on air for a month? You are an idiot. So are the rest of you that are apologetic yet laugh when Artie himself makes money off of poking fun at others misfortune.

  14. JPRichardosn

    What would you expect from a John Belushi wannabe…

  15. tobyflenderson

    Some comedian. Stabbing isn’t funny. Gay asphixiation, now that’s funny. Who new David Caradine was a better comedian than Artie Lange

  16. Zach

    For those of you haters, hope you don’t get cancer and die a horrible death.

  17. Tony Foxtrot

    Hey Zach @66

    I have cancer. And I still hope that waste of life fucking dies.

    So fuck yourself.

  18. Kelly Clarkson

    Who’s High Pitch? I’m Kelly Clarkson.

  19. Bluzey

    Pissed off at the Superficial writer ’cause Artie Lange is a fat fuck of a loser? C’mon, you simpletons, get fucking real. And if Artie dies, who the fuck really cares? He’s as talentless as they come. A first rate, third rate comic plucked out of obscurity by an insecure douche who needed a lame side kick to feed him lines and his overblown ego. Hope you die, Artie. A good morgue shot of your bloated corpse… now THAT will be funny!

  20. Ron

    Bad form Superficial, liked ya for years until now.

  21. LOL

    LOL. Everytime there is an article making fun of people OD’ing or attempting suicide, there is always a bunch of people whining and crying. I don’t even know why people are still so shocked everytime an article like this comes out.

    And all these posts of “I’ve reading Superficial for YEARS but because of this, I’m leaving” are clearly bullshit. If you’ve read this site for at least a few months, you’d see that sympathy and kumbaya aren’t what it’s about here.

    Basically, shut the fuck up. Stop fuckin’ crying. I hope this fat, rich guy who didn’t know what the fuck to do but to spend his money drugs, dies.

  22. Joe

    Totally tactless Superficial Folks, nothing to joke about here, at all, in any way. Get better Artie.

  23. EffArtie

    Ain’t it funny how all the Stern-bots suddenly disapprove of the writer’s shots at Artie Lange? For years Stern made fun of the most tragic events (remember he called TWA after the plane crash in the Potomac?). Now one of their own is a sad piece of shit and the Stern-bots are all upset. If you pussies can’t take it, don’t dish it.

  24. 12-inches-of-dangling-fury

    Meh, Ferris Bueller was absent 9 times this semester, yes 9 times!

  25. Coat-Tails

    I can’t believe the fat ba&tard found a knife long enough to get through his fat rolls. Just die already you no talent, coat-tail riden hack. Damn.

  26. Hecubus

    #73, the difference is Stern is funny and has a razor sharp wit. It’s only due to morons who can’t tell the difference between a witty joke based around events understood to be tragic and saying, ‘this thing happened and I think it’s funny huh huh’ that Stern gets a reputation for being an asshole such as yourself.

    You might ask yourself whether calling someone who suffers from depression and just attempted suicide ‘a sad piece of shit’ is more pathetic than suffering from depression and attempting suicide but I wouldn’t advise you to listen to the answer, it comes from a moron.

    It’s sad that stupid pricks such as yourself who haven’t learned humor or humanity keep the misunderstanding alive that Howard Stern is the kind of asshole who mocks and insults people in tragic situations.

  27. john

    Can I bring up one point. We know that Artie was a drug addict. Could this not be a suicide attempt. But something else. Knowing Arties history use your imagination.
    What are the statistics on suicide by stabbing? Don’t most people try to slit their wrists if they have a knife. Sounds fishy to me.

  28. john

    Forgot to say: Sounds like a murder attempt to me. Drug deal gone bad

  29. EffArtie

    #76, please tell us how calling an airline live on the air, mind you, that suffered a tragic loss of life was funny or “razor sharp wit?” Stern, his crew and his fans, such as yourself, are slaves to the most base type of humor because capitalizing on the the tragedy of others deflects the world from seeing how talentless, morally challenged and moronically inept you all are. #69 hit it right on the head. A picture of Lange’s fat corpse on the slab will be his best act, EVER!

  30. jlylec

    damn superficial guy…artie is a great guy…pretty fucked up comments on your part. i’d figure all the stupid comments from the dipshit readers on here, but you seemed a bit better for some reason. save the comments you fuckwads. sigh

  31. Camila

    If Hitler had died in this days, people would still feel sorry for him, it’s like dying turn everyone into a saint. Morons…

  32. how the fuck do you stab yourself once, and then feel like doing it 8 more times?

  33. zooey

    Love Artie Lange!! I hope he gets well soon… i don’t hold out much hope though. Just another pained comedian who can’t seem to find a good enough reason to live his life sober and healthy. It’s sad. I’ve gone through this kind of addiction with my brother but he finally got it together… as much as Artie is going through, I’m sure it doesn’t compare to what his mom & sister are going through… and they’re SOBER!! So they have to feel it all….

    My prayers go to the entire family.

  34. john marek

    Exactly Porn Tubes…..either drug deal gone bad, or he was high as a kite and tried to kill himself. I am going with the drug deal gone bad. He was on leave from the show. Obviosuly had a relapse and bad things happened

  35. It’s kind of ironic. After I saw “Beer League” I thought about stabbing myself nine times!

  36. WhuCarez

    Waaaahhhh! Waaaaahhhh! Waaaaaahhh! **Stab* Shit! Didn’t go in. *Stab* Fuck, didn’t go in. Waaaahhhhhhh! *Stab, stab, stab stab* Damn! Too fat!! Waaahhhhhh! *STAB! STAB! STAB!* Fuck, that hurts. Shit! I’m bleeding! Waaaahhhh! Mommy! Waaaahhhh! Howard! Waaaahhh! Oh, pizza. Mmmmmm.

  37. undahpresha

    I’ll usually roll with your jokes but not on this one. FUCK YOU FISH.
    Post some more bikini pics already you cock sucker.

  38. undahpresha

    I’ll usually roll with your jokes but not on this one. FUCK YOU FISH.
    Post some more bikini pics already you cock sucker.

  39. undahpresha

    I’ll usually roll with your jokes but not on this one. FUCK YOU FISH.
    Post some more bikini pics already you cock sucker.

  40. undahpresha

    I’ll usually roll with your jokes but not on this one. F*CK YOU FISH.
    Post some more bikini pics already you cock sucker.

  41. undahpresha

    …sorry for the multiple posts…your site was boggin’….POS

  42. Heywood Jablomi

    # 76, let me get this straight; to make fun of someone who in a drug addled stupor, decides to kill himself is in poor taste, but to wish cancer on someone who says negative things about you is comic genius.

    wash your pussy

  43. drenk

    i wonder who howard will get now to cup his balls while he talks about how great he is

    maybe he was tryin to cut out all the pills so he could take them again…

  44. john

    IT WASN’T SUICIDE…..HE WAS STABBED….COME ON

  45. Hefe

    BABA BOOEY, FUCKERS!!!!

  46. Keep an eye out for his new book…”Too fat to stab myself to death.”

  47. Hank The Angry Dwarf

    GO ARTIE GO !!!!!!!!
    Bring back the Jokeman and Billy West !
    And A BABA Boohey to you all
    Fred Norris keeps a shovel in his trunk

  48. Hank The Angry Dwarf

    GO ARTIE GO !!!!!!!!
    Bring back the Jokeman and Billy West !
    And A BABA Boohey to you all
    Fred Norris keeps a shovel in his trunk

  49. alberto

    Get busy livin.
    Or get busy dying.

    Don’t take people hostage to selfish addictions.

  50. alberto

    Stern is pissed because he didn’t do it on the show……………..Which he’s been waiting for.

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