Artie Lange stabbed himself 9 times in suicide attempt

January 7th, 2010 // 144 Comments

Comedian Artie Lange was hospitalized over the weekend and his reps have now confirmed it was a suicide attempt involving several stab wounds. Page Six reports:

Lange’s frantic mom called 911 Saturday morning after she entered his Hoboken apartment and found the bloodied funnyman, a law-enforcement source said. Lange sustained six “hesitation wounds” and three deep plunges. A source close to Lange’s management team confirmed that the Howard Stern sidekick stabbed himself, adding that his mother had come to visit him that day to drop off food. Surgeons managed to save Lange despite heavy bleeding.
“We all have our demons,” Stern said on-air this week, referring to Lange’s past battles with addiction.

Considering Artie Lange spends 98% of his day turning his body into a massive tankard of barbiturates, I’m having a hard time feeling sorry since he probably didn’t feel a thing or remembers what the fuck happened. To put things in perspective, I guarantee you this is a man who’s woke up at least once with a harpoon sticking out of his chest only to shrug it off and order 20 pizzas.

GET. SOME. GODDAMN. HELP.

Photo: WENN
superficial

  1. jack

    first, little harsh huh?

  2. First!

    First!

    That’s gangster!

  3. Justin Time

    Doesn’t heroin make you skinny?

  4. Timmy

    Dude, your comments are fucking wrong. Artie is a good man, and you saying that shit isn’t right. Your funny most of the time, but when someone is so fucked up they try to off themself, isn’t the right time to make fun.

  5. Dyldo Mcfistenstein

    Ba ba Booey!!

    Ba ba Booey!!

  6. @3 Yeah, but beer and twinkies make you fat.

  7. Remove yourself from your perfect world and realize that everyone else’s isn’t necessarily as rosy as yours is. The mind is a powerful, Powerful, POWERFUL piece of machinery and can make you behave in wild ways that you have NO CONTROL OVER.

    The dude is sick and needs help in a bad way. Have some sympathy and stop trying to play the part of a shock jock/blogger — you suck at it.

  8. God of Thunder

    Hey Gilligan, did you eat The Skipper?

  9. Brooke

    I heard one of Howard Stern’s shows where he just went ON AND ON about his personal assistant being a moron, and basically threatening to kill the guy, and the kid hadn’t really done anything wrong. I’m really NOT surprised to find out this man was miserable with his life.

    I considered making a joke about how “Of course he survived, he had a ten-inch wall of butter sticks protecting his vitals!” but that’s in poor taste. But seriously, I’m semi relieved to know that even this guy hates himself, that even he knows how much of a douche bag he is and hates himself for it. GET HELP, ARTIE! And stop threatening to kill your assistant!

  10. John

    Wow, you guys oversensitive much? Artie has said way worse about other people, heh.

    But yeah, Artie has been a long time favorite of mine so hopefully he will get some help. Him and Norm used to make such a badass team. Not to mention he’s one of like two legitimately funny people to cross through MadTV.

  11. WAH! I make too much money and my girlfriend is too young…I’m going to stab myself…WAH!

  12. robb staples

    Artie wish you the best, your one funny mother fucker…Get better, get some help you bring joy and laughter in to so many peoples lifes..

  13. Joe

    This is the funniest thing Artie has ever done. Previously, he’s been nothing short of the least talented fuck I’ve ever heard.

  14. Lerxt

    Wow – this was eerie as I remember from one of Comedy Central’s roasts (William Shatner’s I think) Betty White made a comment that Artie Lange would end up dying before she did! Luckily he didn’t, but damn he came pretty close! Mind you, the roast was from a few years ago so anything’s possible…

  15. Lerxt

    Wow – this was eerie as I remember from one of Comedy Central’s roasts (William Shatner’s I think) Betty White made a comment that Artie Lange would end up dying before she did! Luckily he didn’t, but damn he came pretty close! Mind you, the roast was from a few years ago so anything’s possible…

  16. Lerxt

    Wow – this was eerie as I remember from one of Comedy Central’s roasts (William Shatner’s I think) Betty White made a comment that Artie Lange would end up dying before she did! Luckily he didn’t, but damn he came pretty close! Mind you, the roast was from a few years ago so anything’s possible…

  17. Herly

    Mark M, you are cracking me up. That’s exactly the reaction Artie would have had!
    Artie Get help you fucking ass hole…I bought tickets to another show that got cancelled becasue you decided to stab your self! Again…WTF, can I just see you live once before you go to rehab or kill yourself! I’m giving you $$, can I see your fucking show??!!
    P.S- your poor mother! Stop it you Douche!! That poor lady has been through enough…Stop it!!

  18. Jupiter

    Ahh.. not cool, Superficial.

    Please update us on your own family’s problems, so if one of your family members attempts suicide we can all say, “She is soo fat! I bet she tried to hang herself with a twinkie. I don’t feel sorry for her. But really, get help!”

  19. Sal's Nutsack

    BABA BOOEY!

  20. God of Thunder

    FIRST!!!!!

    Picture Artie (The Stay Puff Marshmellow Man) Lange wearing nothing but a diaper and blue dress socks. The socks being held with sock suspenders.

  21. chupacabra

    poor artie. he must be so miserable to do this. he knows better! he’s gotten so fat, he really needs to be put on the 2112 – or whatever it is when you are committed to the asylum for awhile. He needs rehab, he needs gastric bypass, (maybe he heart won’t handle it), but he needs a team of 24 hour people working on this. He can’t be left alone.

  22. dude

    Agreed with everyone else who finds this fish writer reaching a new low.

    As a longtime fan of this site, must say that I love the humor found here daily as well as the wit of the commenters, but to mock suicide is below any of us.

    Please fish, don’t devolve into a site with no class. There are too many of those out there.

  23. j

    you are one step away from posting pictures of cripple people and ripping on them

  24. Deacon Jones

    What are “hesitation wounds” ?

    And it’s pretty obvious this is a new writer. WHO FUCKING SUCKS

  25. ptprez

    …he should have ended on an even number…

  26. Truth be told

    Fish is running out of funny.

  27. pig vomit

    Doesn’t the stern show do a death pool? Did someone have artie in the pool? Did artie have artie in the pool?

    **pumps fist** “YES!!!!” **pumps fist** “I’m Back Baby!!!”
    — Jackie the Jokeman

  28. rich728

    too far The Superficial….Get well soon Artie

  29. FishBone

    Get well Artie. Perfect? No. But has a good heart and loves making people laugh. How can you make fun of someone who is obviously ill enough to inflict six hesitation wounds before three major ones? I hope he comes out of this ok and gets the help and support he needs. And to the “faceless” superficial writer…fuck you. Boycott

  30. Mac

    Now I see why the Geekologie writer said he hates the Superficial writer and would stab him given the chance.

    I’m off to Geekologie now and I won’t be coming back here. You just steal your info from TMZ and your pictures from Egotastic anyways. Goodbye.

  31. Mac

    Now I see why the Geekologie writer said he hates the Superficial writer and would stab him given the chance.

    I’m off to Geekologie now and I won’t be coming back here. You just steal your info from TMZ abd your pictures from Egotastic anyways. Goodbye.

  32. Mac

    Now I see why the Geekologie writer said he hates the Superficial writer and would stab him given the chance.

    I’m off to Geekologie now and I won’t be coming back here. You just steal your info from TMZ and your pictures from Egotastic anyways. Goodbye.

  33. SA

    …this is Howard Stern’s fault. He should have forced Artie to get help a long while ago, but needed the entertainment of a train wreck to keep the show going. Notice, he pulls his punches on the show regulars in the last few years. Gary gets complimented more than disparaged, Robin is a saint and is no longer goaded into showing her crazy, and even Fred is handled with kid gloves (more than usual).

    Artie wheezing, nodding off, acting crazy, eating a ton, looking terrible, LYING is super-interesting…ala Celebrity Rehab.

    Howard should let Stuttering John sit in the Jackie chair, his final punishment for stumbling his way on to the Jay Leno show.

  34. discontent

    Stern and this talentless hack > try harder next time

  35. Sheena

    Oh for fuck’s sake, what a buncha whiners. Lighten up! Fish writes funny shit and that’s why we read his blog. No one is spared!

    My brother tried to cut his own head off with a skilsaw – we still call him Nearly Headless Rick. People do stupid shit all the time because people ARE stupid. “Celebrities” are not immune. And it’s up to the rest of us to make fun of them for it!

  36. havoc

    His face literally looks like a hog.

  37. discontent

    Stern and this talentless hack > try harder next time

  38. discontent

    Stern and this talentless hack > try harder next time

  39. youranidiot

    superficial writer, choke on your tongue and lose your fingers. in fact don’t do anything. good bye

  40. The Original Shawn

    That is fucked up on so many levels. First off, aside from dishonored Samurai warriors with big-assed swords, who tries to commit suicide by stabbing himself? Especially when you have a layer of protection as big as this guy’s? He should’ve known that was going to be a difficult proposition. And 7 times? Think about that for a minute. He actually jammed a knife into himself, pulled it out, then did it not one, not two, but SIX more times. You’d think after around the 2nd or 3rd one, he’d have either had enough or would physically be unable to continue. He had to either be high as a damn kite or really out to punish himself.

    I’m pretty indifferent to the guy as a performer, but it’s sad that someone would get to such a point.

  41. sa

    “youranidiot”

  42. RB

    I’m bummed Artie has been off the show the past few weeks. He has his demons and I’m sorry to hear he isn’t getting better. He’s made me laugh a LOT over the years and I can only wish him well…

  43. you guys are a bunch of pussies. nothing he said was that harsh. it was the truth. if youve ever heard artie lange do stand up you would know that he would have said the exact same shit about himself, just to get a laugh.

    @ mac. you might want to vacate the fucking internet if youre going to start “leaving” blogs because they offend you.

    “goodbye” what a cockass, really. you really showed TSW. put it too him good and hard with that one.

  44. whoa nelly

    new writer sucks dick. The funny, regular writer always shows decendy, dare I say compassion on an actual situation.

    Oh, and #43, I’m sure your wife/girlfriend/ significant other is really lucky to have someone so detached from their emotions that they hate compassion. Go home and beat her some more, you rednecked wal mart shopping moron.

  45. jim

    that is a manly suicide! ouch

  46. sensitive guy

    Hey…. when did the fish site become a touch feely therapy site?!

    What is all this BS about fish being too harsh – it’s the style of the site, you fucking morons! Don’t you get the genuine concern and hope that Artie GETS SOME HELP?! The fat jokes that preceed it – not only is that exactly what Artie himself would have said… it’s the only reason this post shows up here! Don’t you understand how lame the post would be if it just showed fat fucking Artie, then said – he tried to kill himself, let’s pray for him?! That’s now what you get here – if you want that, go to some mamby pamby cheesy celebrity site, that just takes things right from the publicist and prints them!

    Do you remember some of the posts that have announced the news that people actually died?! Do you remember the first Michael Jackson post? Have you been reading the Casey Johnson posts? Know where you are, and what you can expect here: Info, presented in a smart-ass, go for the jugular style. With heart, of course :) Complaining about this is like turning on Fox for football and then complaining that they do too many stupid-ass robotic sound effects – no shit, that’s what they do!

    I mean… are you guys… SURPRISED at this situation, or that fish would have the nerve to mention it? Wow, a fat funny guy with self-esteem and/or addiction and/or depression issues? …. Ground breaking!

    Keep doing your thing, fish… and yeah, I hope Artie gets some help too. He can be pretty funny.

  47. The Dude

    I read that Artie, in addition to stabbing himself, also took pills with bleach during this failed attempt. WTF, can’t people get more creative with suicides?

  48. horny Guy

    I’ve listens to Howard Stern for over 20 years – Artie like Jackie has the world by the balls – great paying job, lot’s of recognition, outside gigs too. AND just like he’s blowing it.,

    Let him drink and drug until he’s gone. He’s too damn stupid to know that others loved him.

    STUPID DUMB ASS ARTIE – Oh yeah; Howard Stern, Serius – who?????

  49. Michelle

    First of all to the one who said get some fucking help. That was his cry out for help. Maybe you don’t like the way he did it but to bad who asked you. Also unless you have fought addiction and understand how the hell the whole thing works. You can place in your comments right back up your ass. I know what a battle addiction is and have lived through many suicide attempts also. I can also say i have years into recovery and every day there is a battle mostly with people like you that don’t have a heart. And my heart is with Artie in his recovery and i wish nothing but the best for him. And to those of you who don’t understand. Try walking just a day in those man’s shoes. And it’s true everyone has some kind of skeleton in their closet but if your not important enough to talk about then who is going to know????? this column needs a new writer with a heart. that’s what makes news…..dumb ass

  50. Rough: shooting from the lip

    Artie’s lard-ness probably saved him…Poor bastard most likely ran out of breath during all this activities, which probably made it more sufferable…

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