A-Rod and wife settle divorce

Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez has reached a private divorce settlement with his wife Cynthia. Their marriage publicly fell apart when it was discovered that A-Rod loves banging strippers and the occasional mummy. Cynthia was looking for a huge chunk of change to maintain the “high standard of living” she’s accustomed to, but unfortunately for her, she signed a prenup, according to NY Daily News:

“Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez have amicably resolved their dissolution of marriage proceedings,” read a terse statement released by the superstar ball player’s lawyer, Alan Kluger.
“They deliberately engaged in a private negotiation,” Kluger said. “This was and remains a personal family matter for both of them. All of their decisions were based upon and guided by the best interests of their daughters.”

I hope Madonna’s happy. Actually, I know she’s happy because, every time a couple gets a divorce, Madonna eats a baby. Where did I read that? Oh, right: THE BIBLE.