For those of you just starting to pump Internet into your veins, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced his tentatively titled memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story which I almost said the producers of the Total Recall remake must love, but fuck everyone involved with that movie and I hope he titles his follow-up Battleship: The Amazing Logan’s Run of Spider-Man. People reports:
The actor and former California governor is writing an autobiography that will touch upon his recent breakup with Maria Shriver while also covering his childhood in Austria and his careers as a bodybuilder, action star and politician.
“This book will not be a tell-all,” a source tells PEOPLE.
… “He has been keeping notes and working on the book for over a year,” his spokesman Adam Mendelsohn tells PEOPLE. “He didn’t want to write his autobiography while he was governor.”
The Superficial has obtained a first draft of The Governator’s epic tome, and while it may not be a tell all, he certainly spares no expense in opening up the deep spiritual reservoir of emotions that is his heart.
On his childhood in Austria:
I’ll never forget the day my father took me aside, a young boy of eight, and said to me, “Arnold, if you ever let a woman walk by without groping her, you will get the cancer.” I’ve based most of my life on those words.
On accusations his family has Nazi ties:
Who told you that? Jews? I bet it was Jews.
On his early years as bodybuilder:
I don’t want to sit here and say I did it all for the pussy because on one occasion I genuinely wanted to win a competition just to prove myself. Although later that day, I made love to an Egyptian woman after rendering her unconscious with the trophy, so I guess you can say pussy was the sole motivating force behind every decision I’ve ever made. In fact, as I type this, I’m drinking from a coffee mug purchased to entice my new maid, Pepita, whose squat, middle-aged frame beckons to be filled with my child. I must have her!
On being an action star:
122% about the pussy. I would’ve bathed it in if Jim Cameron wasn’t such a girly man.
“Arnold, the lawsuits!” he used to say. I miss our talks.
To be frank, I didn’t even know I was married until I got the divorce papers. Ha! You should’ve seen my face. Boy, was the Arnold embarrassed. Also, did you know it’s a crime to grope process servers? Then why let women do it? Now you understand why I’m a Republican.
On being a politician:
Now, this little ruse I cooked up after learning how much pussy John F. Kennedy used to get as the president. After doing a bunch of political stuff to get elected governor of California – None of which is important. – I impregnated no less than 23 staffers while hiding several bodies who threatened to sue because they didn’t understand groping is how I communicate. It was right in the orientation packet: ‘Arnold says hello by groping you about the vagina lips and breasts.’ These women were predators. Every last one of them.
On being a father:
I know one of them does yoga, and I think one has a weight problem with the sweets. Also, several work illegally on my mushroom farm. I’m proud of them all.
On his breakup with Maria Shriver:
When the predator one left me – [Note for second draft: Possibly look up her name unless it's too trivial. Already leaning towards that last part.] – I had no idea what I could’ve done wrong. Honestly, to this day I still don’t know. Someone tried to tell me it’s because of all the secret children I had, but c’mon, that can’t be right. It’s hilarious. You never know when one’s going to pop up or been right under your nose the whole time.
“The maid’s kid.” I should’ve done more comedy.
Photo: Splash News