Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Writing A Book

September 22nd, 2011 // 36 Comments

For those of you just starting to pump Internet into your veins, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced his tentatively titled memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story which I almost said the producers of the Total Recall remake must love, but fuck everyone involved with that movie and I hope he titles his follow-up Battleship: The Amazing Logan’s Run of Spider-Man. People reports:

The actor and former California governor is writing an autobiography that will touch upon his recent breakup with Maria Shriver while also covering his childhood in Austria and his careers as a bodybuilder, action star and politician.
“This book will not be a tell-all,” a source tells PEOPLE.
… “He has been keeping notes and working on the book for over a year,” his spokesman Adam Mendelsohn tells PEOPLE. “He didn’t want to write his autobiography while he was governor.”

The Superficial has obtained a first draft of The Governator’s epic tome, and while it may not be a tell all, he certainly spares no expense in opening up the deep spiritual reservoir of emotions that is his heart.

On his childhood in Austria:
I’ll never forget the day my father took me aside, a young boy of eight, and said to me, “Arnold, if you ever let a woman walk by without groping her, you will get the cancer.” I’ve based most of my life on those words.

On accusations his family has Nazi ties:
Who told you that? Jews? I bet it was Jews.

On his early years as bodybuilder:
I don’t want to sit here and say I did it all for the pussy because on one occasion I genuinely wanted to win a competition just to prove myself. Although later that day, I made love to an Egyptian woman after rendering her unconscious with the trophy, so I guess you can say pussy was the sole motivating force behind every decision I’ve ever made. In fact, as I type this, I’m drinking from a coffee mug purchased to entice my new maid, Pepita, whose squat, middle-aged frame beckons to be filled with my child. I must have her!

On being an action star:
122% about the pussy. I would’ve bathed it in if Jim Cameron wasn’t such a girly man.
“Arnold, the lawsuits!” he used to say. I miss our talks.

On marriage:
To be frank, I didn’t even know I was married until I got the divorce papers. Ha! You should’ve seen my face. Boy, was the Arnold embarrassed. Also, did you know it’s a crime to grope process servers? Then why let women do it? Now you understand why I’m a Republican.

On being a politician:
Now, this little ruse I cooked up after learning how much pussy John F. Kennedy used to get as the president. After doing a bunch of political stuff to get elected governor of California – None of which is important. – I impregnated no less than 23 staffers while hiding several bodies who threatened to sue because they didn’t understand groping is how I communicate. It was right in the orientation packet: ‘Arnold says hello by groping you about the vagina lips and breasts.’ These women were predators. Every last one of them.

On being a father:
I know one of them does yoga, and I think one has a weight problem with the sweets. Also, several work illegally on my mushroom farm. I’m proud of them all.

On his breakup with Maria Shriver:
When the predator one left me – [Note for second draft: Possibly look up her name unless it's too trivial. Already leaning towards that last part.] – I had no idea what I could’ve done wrong. Honestly, to this day I still don’t know. Someone tried to tell me it’s because of all the secret children I had, but c’mon, that can’t be right. It’s hilarious. You never know when one’s going to pop up or been right under your nose the whole time.
“The maid’s kid.” I should’ve done more comedy.

Photo: Splash News


  1. I lift things up, I put things down. The End.

    • RiddleofSteel

      Eric you are an idiot. Arnold is the fucking epitome of the american dream. A 98 pound weakling who was a millionaire from turning all his Mr. Olympia wins into good real estate deals before he even made his first movie. Then he becomes one of the biggest box office draws ever as an immigrant, only to marry into the Kennedy’s and become the Governor of the largest state in our union. You aren’t a fraction of the man this guy is, you aren’t even worthy of one of the kids he made with the illegals. You are a little girly man!

      • Dr Ha-Ha

        Yes, because there’s nothing like becoming a politician to say you’ve made it as a human being. Nice try, but completely divorced from reality. You needed to stop at the word ‘immigrant’.

        Fuck all politicians, every last fucking one of them.

      • ChinaSuperficial

        Dr HaHa, It must pain you to realise that you were born with so much more than Arnold, and amounted to so much less.
        Women want to bear his children, and for good reason.
        Go back to your internet porn, leave the real world women for Arnold.

        RiddleofSteel +1

      • Caey Serin

        And I am willing to wager that Eric has NEVER fucked anything as ugly as Arnold has.

  2. See Alice

    Good for him .

  3. Degsy

    the only way i could be more surprised is if it said “Arnold Schwarzenegger – is actually going to READ a book”

    • See Alice

      Yet he still made hundreds of millions of dollars . Go Figure

    • RiddleofSteel

      Arnold is smart enough to become a multi-millionaire movie star/governor and marry into one of the most powerful families in the country, what the fuck have you done today?

  4. Cock Dr

    Derpa derp derp.
    Goddamn some people get so weird looking as they age.

  5. Come with me if you want to read.

  6. chev70

    Why are they both wearing eachother’s sunglasses?

  7. Porter

    Admit it. You are all reading these in the Ah-nold voice.

    • Fletch

      Well Hells Yeah. Isn’t it a known fact that anytime you see Ahrnold, you begin talking like him. Which gets me to thinking…I know I know, don’t think… but I know a few people who immigrated here several years ago and their accents have all but disappeared. Whats up with this guy? He still sounds like he just jumped off the boat from Austria.

    • I kind of was. lol

  8. DeucePickle

    He could still punch your face off

  9. old bat

    Funny write up, fish – but a lot of that shit happens on both sides of the aisle. When are you liberal fuckfaces going to realize they’re *all* degenerates???

  10. Arnold Schwarzenegger Memoir
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Funny write up. Subtle like a sledgehammer.

  11. I'll give you a spanking!

    I’m actually gonna get this book. Have you seen the youtube clip where he gives the guy the ‘wrong advices’. This man is awesome!

  12. right

    That book write up is some funny shit, props.

    • browny

      UGLY UGLY UGLY… please go away and do something with that face and body or get off my interweb. This guy is gross… and more so because he’s a Republican. Ugly inside and out.

  13. I laughed, I cried, I groped, I got to the choppa.

  14. Arnold Schwarzenegger Memoir
    Commented on this photo:

    Major strain to keep the gut sucked in.

  15. Koisty

    Title: “The story of me, my bodyguard and our pointy nipples”

  16. Melody

    I really to be honest Can NOT believe Arnold is this way…..i guess I need to read up on celeb gossip cus no one else seems suprised…but me

  17. Please, please, please let it be written in Accent-ish please.

  18. Arnold Schwarzenegger Memoir
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet it’s going to be a pop-up book, and that alone scares me to death.

  19. forrest gump

    I am quite certain this california-mistake can’t read by himself!!

  20. crazypants

    Why Germans/Austrians of his age group deny Nazi ties is nonsensical – pretty much if you were alive back then and not locked up in a camp – guess what – you were either a member of the Nazi party and either drafted into the fighting forces or forced to work towards the war effort in some capacity. Towards the end of the war, when it was going badly for Germany, pretty much every one 10-80 was chipping in.

    So his dad, mom, grandparents, uncles, etc – if not card-carrying members of the Nazi party (you pretty much had to be to get a job and place to live) then they were part of the war effort.

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