When a Grope Becomes a Baby: The Maria Shriver Story

May 17th, 2011 // 94 Comments

For those of you still losing sleep over how Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver‘s marriage could’ve seemingly fell apart out of nowhere, turns out ten years ago he knocked up a woman who worked for them and then paid her to pretend the child was her husband’s as she continued to work for the family until January of this year. Being the family values Republican politician that he is, Arnold only decided to tell Maria after his term as governor ended, but in his defense, she would’ve left him immediately – like she just did. The LA Times reports:

“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago,” Schwarzenegger said Monday night in a statement issued to The Times in response to questions. “I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.
“I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time,” the statement concluded. “While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not.”

Did I mention Arnold told Maria right after her dad died? Because he totally told her right after her dad died:

Schwarzenegger, 63, suggested that the split was temporary and the couple were working toward reconciliation. “We both love each other very much,” the former governor said at an appearance last week at the Skirball Cultural Center in Los Angeles. “We are very fortunate that we have four extraordinary children and we’re taking one day at a time.”
Friends of Shriver, 55, offered a grimmer assessment, saying she had been unhappy for years but made no move until after her parents died and Schwarzenegger finished his term as governor. Her father, Sargent Shriver, died Jan. 18, nearly a year and a half after the death of her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

Maria Shriver has since issued the following statement exclusive to The Superficial:

At this time, I humbly request the media respect my family’s privacy as I take this moment of reflection to refocus my efforts on ushering in a new era for Cobra thus returning to my birth name and fulfilling the hard work and dedication of Dr. Mindbender who cloned me at the psychic request of Golobulus. As I begin my yearly molting process, with friends and family by my side, please refrain from taking pictures of me grieving on the large, flat heat rock in my backyard. I will strive to answer your questions in an appropriate fashion.

Cobra-La-La-La-La,

Serpentor

Photo: Splash News

superficial

  1. BigJim

    Maria: “I won’t be back.”

  2. MisterSuccint

    Skynet’s most effective weapon is the T-1999 Inseminator.

  3. hmna

    Ahnold knew this was Maria’s future, so he had to get out:

    http://innthebasement.com/index.php/2009/08/11/eunice-kennedy-shriver-dies-at-88/

    • Satan's bitch

      Ain’t it the truth? Got no love for the Governator – but seriously, waking up to THAT face is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone!

  4. Kodos

    “What’s that growing in the maid’s belly?”

    “IT’ S NAHHT A TOOMAH!!!”

  5. MisterSuccint

    I like the anniversary ring Maria gave him.

  6. What a fucking asshole.

    “Oh, hey. I meant to mention this at your father’s funeral. You’re not gonna believe it. It’s funny really…”

  7. TomFrank

    Arnold’s the asshole here but you make fun of Maria instead? And nothing about that SKULL RING on his finger? Disappointing.

    • If you want thought provoking intelligent conversation then The Superficial may not be the right place for you.

      Besides, did you every think that Maria pushed him to cheat? After all, she’s got a screaming voice, won’t get off a cellphone and her entire family is made up of suicide kings.

      • TomFrank

        Yeah, I clearly asked for thought-provoking intelligent conversation up there…about his SKULL RING.

      • If she was such a scathing bitch, he was free to leave at any time. Conversely, I’ve only heard the nicest things about Maria and how much she’s respected. Arnold? Not so much. He’s always been known to be a stupid pig. While I don’t doubt for a min women can be difficult, the notion that she ‘pushed’ him to cheat is hilarious. She should have pushed him off a cliff and went on with her merry life.

    • Lady Blah Blah

      He’s wearing an SS Deaths Head Totenkopf Skull Ring.

  8. Cock Dr

    In the long run this is the best thing that could happen to Ms Shriver.
    She’s free of the leathery orange Teutonic Frankenstein. She’s rich. These horrid photos aside, she is a fine looking older woman. Because of her soon to be ex-husband’s revelations she has won in the court of public opinion.
    The world is now her oyster….time to start having sex with attractive men again!

    • WHAT??? Nobody in their right mind is going to call Maria a “fine looking woman”. She looks like naugahyde draped over a skeleton.

    • Fine looking older woman?? Hahahahahahahahah

      A fine looking older woman is Bar Rafaeli.

      Maria Shiver is an unwrapped mummy.

      • mensa

        Isn’t Bar like 25? Is that over the hill now? :P

        Excuse me while I put myself in the nursing home. I knew my time was short when I dinged 26 last week, but thankfully Anexio was here to remind me how truly ancient I am.

        Now where’s my walker?

      • eyeseeall

        Bar Rafaeli an older woman? How old are you – 12??

  9. JC

    “Vhat do you vant, Maria? You said you vanted better-trained help at home. You can train this one from birth!”

  10. Do you remember honey when I told you the Puerto Rican maid was the last thing I’d impregnate on earth?

    That’s right Arnie, you did!

    I lied.

  11. DJames

    Isn’t she related to the Kennedy’s? Arnie’ll be dead within a fortnight.

  12. awww she was daddy’s leetil guerl, now he’s geevig huer away..

  13. Hasta La Vista, Baby?

  14. Rancid

    Defeat yer enemies
    Have dem driven before you
    und inseminate all da wimmen

  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    Commented on this photo:

    if she could have touched her nose with that she might at least have had a chance as a dyke

  16. psycho bynight

    way to keep a secret from your wife until it cant hurt your political career.
    major douche needs to meet up with a doucheinator.

  17. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    Efe
    Commented on this photo:

    My precioussssssssss….

  18. Somewhere, there’s a 10 year-old who grew up in the maid’s quarters, watching other kids who turn out to be his half brothers and sisters playing with the expensive toys, while he made action figures out of old toilet paper rolls, yarn and adhesive googly eyes, and he’s pissed. Not far away is a father, who finally has an answer to the mystery of why 10 years ago, in the maternity ward, the child his wife gave birth to was orange.

  19. cc

    If he’d adhered to the ‘eating is not cheating’ philosophy he’d have saved himself a lot of trouble.

  20. rican

    Ahnold the Sperminator.

  21. Funny how he asked the media to respect his wife and family. Maybe he should have respected them himself before he fucked the help in their home, or fathered illegitimate children, or groped random women.

    • Ismoss

      Looks like its hit somebody close to home.

      • ?? Seeing a man brazingly cheat a on a girl(or vice versa) and being disgusted doesn’t mean it ‘hit close to home’. You don’t have to suffer that humiliation to know how much that sucks. I’ve never grown up w that in my life, nor have I married, but it does scare me to know anybody you love could hurt you that much.

  22. Juju

    He is a dog. I feel bad for her having wasted 25 yrs of her life in a marriage with this douche. Hopefully she had a sidepiece or will live happier now and meet someone who treats her with respect. She is WAY out of Arnold’s league.

  23. Jacqueline Hyde

    She’ll be back.

  24. cc

    Thank God it wasn’t ‘Twins’

  25. It’s not a tumah…it’s a bastard.

  26. riggs and murtaugh

    superficial, republican family values? Yeah, that John Edwards sure had some values himself. Fathering a child with a member of his team – while his wife was dying of cancer. I fall in the middle, but as usual your political left comments continually make no sense and make you out to be a complete idiot. I know, I know, my fault, I come to the site for an escape from real news, I don’t have to surf superficial…but still, wish you could leave your opinions to the side. It’s just annoying.

    • TomFrank

      I think you miss the point. Sure, politicians of all stripes cheat on their spouses—Schwarzenegger, Edwards, Gingrich (on his first two wives), Clinton, Giuliani (on second wife), JFK, Dole (on first wife), RFK, John McCain (on first wife), Eliot Spitzer, John Ensign, Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevey, Larry Craig…

      But it’s the Republican politicians who set themselves up as the country’s great moral arbiters, so the hypocrisy is all the more rank when their affairs are exposed. John Ensign, Larry Craig, and Mark Sanford all urged President Clinton to resign for fooling around with an intern, and Gingrich said the same WHILE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR HIMSELF (with the woman who is now his third wife).

      In that light, calling out Arnold for “being the family values Republican politician that he is” makes perfect sense.

      • rican

        That’s right, those Democrats are always expected to be the unrepentant, low life, bastard creator, cheating scumbags that they are, so you can’t fault them for it. Republicans that act like Democrats always get in trouble.

      • uncle ruckus

        Haha rican you nailed it.

  27. Jacqueline Hyde

    At least now we can say he’s a real politician.

  28. rican

    If you’re married to the Crypt Keeper, you’re allowed to sperminate a live human.

  29. rican

    Also, don’t be so hard on the guy, do you remember EVERYTHING you did ten years ago?

  30. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    Ponkur
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice raAAAAARGHHHH MY EYES!!!

  31. the captain

    obviciously a MID-LIFE-CRISES……………
    entire california is in one too.

  32. That ring denotes he is leader of a secret society… The Spermenatti….

  33. seth

    Puut doown da mop and beennd oovaa….

  34. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    Perfect
    Commented on this photo:

    What a nice picture of his terminator ring; congrats to steroid user for successfully terminating his marriage….especially given that he could have saved it if he had successfully convinced his house help slut to terminate her fetus instead.

    Maybe that’s the ring he wears now that he’s getting a divorce…classy call on his part either way-he’s an Austrian fashionista.

  35. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    Perfect
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy shit, that is one fucking scarey picture. She’s looks like one of the “Vistors” from the V series…quick someone feed her a rat before she rages out of control.

  36. Steelerchick

    Howard Stern says he has 2 kids!!
    Wonder if he’ll get the John Edwards treatment.

    • hmm

      Now we know where Steelerchick gets her current events coverage. Since you get the inside scoop, please tell us all what the “John Edwards treatment” is.

      • Steelerchick

        You know “like shit” .
        Everyone made his wife to be out as an angel and made him look like the bad guy.
        That’s the John Edwards treatment.
        Howard Stern is a very reliable source by the way.

  37. FruitLoop

    It’s ok, they’ve got hummers.

  38. Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child
    sam
    Commented on this photo:

    I have always kind of liked Arnold as an actor, but I bet he is a real prick if you have to live with him. She has always had a bit of a scary look and uses too much eyeliner (not enough here, however, but will be better off without him.

  39. Ismoss

    She drove him to it because her chin kept poking him in the balls.

  40. Rahm

    Arnold is a RINO – he has as much in common with the republican party as Nancy Pelosi.

  41. The real tragedy here is that some little kid just found out his Dad is Mr. Freeze.

  42. Jacqueline Hyde

    ‎”Love Child”, Mr. Terminator? how ’bout “Jizz Kid”?

  43. Jacqueline Hyde

    It definitely was not a tumor.

  44. See Alice

    Arnold has revealed he’s a made man of the Kennedy Clan .

  45. Jacqueline Hyde

    Reason for the hasta la vista? Baby.

  46. Elf

    No wonder that woman had sex with Arnold. When he says: “You! Give me your clothes!” you comply.

  47. Every year he goes over to their house and talks with the child:

    “WHO IS YOUR DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO!”

  48. browny

    Arny has moobs, fat gut and ORANGE HAIR. And it is the latter that disturbs one the most… Rupert Murdoch, Paul McCartney, Arnie, stay away from the dye bottle and Arnie, lose the gut and moobs, ewww.

    A little advice to men of a certain age: tighten up and step away from the dye bottle. You’re fooling no one.

  49. Dick Douche, Private Eye

    Don’t you all think she’s overreacting a little? SHE’S A KENNEDY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
    I’m just surprised his ductwork is still functional after all the steroids he did.

  50. Terminator

    HASTA LA VISTA…. GUADALUPE (my dearest Mexican Maid). You know my anti-mexican immigrant attitude almost worked to disguise our true mexican
    love, if little JOSE SCWARZENNEGER PENA Jr. had not been born.

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