Maria Shriver Didn’t Have Enough Sex With Arnold

May 26th, 2011 // 75 Comments

“Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used to complain that Maria Shriver didn’t have enough sex with him which seems like a weird reason to make yourself the target of a massive criminal investigation considering she looks like the goddamn Predator. And, yes, you read that right, Maria has spiked mandibles Arnold’s under investigation for allegedly using the California Highway Patrol to help him bang chicks. RadarOnline reports:

Veteran hotel security officer William Taylor said he witnessed the “Governator” using California Highway Patrol (CHP) officers and vehicles to ferry scantily-clad women in-and-out of his suite at the Sacramento Hyatt Regency where he and wife Maria Shriver often stayed.
“It makes me very angry just to think of what was going on at that time,” Taylor, who passed a polygraph test about his claims, told the latest edition of the National Enquirer.
“On three differed occasions after the governor arrived alone at the Hyatt Regency, CHP Dignitary Protection Services arrived in their official vehicles, black Ford Crown Victoria sedans – about one to two hours later with one or two young females.
“They’d hurriedly escort the women through the service entrance on the second floor parking garage to the elevator that went to the governor’s private wing… the women would usually stay for two to four hours and either leave through the hotel’s main entrance or be driven away by the CHP in the same official vehicles.”

And before everyone jumps in with, “Hey, John Edwards is under investigation, too, commie,” you’re right, he is, but that still doesn’t make either one of them less of a hornball idiot who thought they could get away with it. That said, it’s nice to see Republicans and Democrats finally find some common ground albeit using whatever’s at their disposable to pretend other people are the fathers of their illegitimate love children. I really believe we can find some healing there.

REPUBLICAN: So… sticking your dick in things you shouldn’t is kind of fun, isn’t it?
DEMOCRATS: Yes, I suppose it is.
REPUBLICAN: *sticks out hand* Friends.
DEMOCRATS: *shakes hand* Friends.

♫ Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light… ♫

Photos: Splash News


  1. Dan

    Since Arnold was(is ?) banging random chicks brought in by the CHP, my guess is Maria could have been available for sex all the time and Arnold would have still cheated on her.

    • Agreed. But also, he knocked up Maria and that other chick up at the same time so he can’t even blame a sexless marriage on his cheating.

    • LEB

      Yup, I agree.

    • Blue

      Agreed Dan. Besides, if a man says “My wife does not give me enough sex”, that usually has nothing to do with his actual married sex life. That is code for “I am up for cheating”. Women likely do the same.

  2. God is Black

    T100s need SEX?

  3. Sounds to me like Dignitary Protection Services was bringing him dignitaries and then failing to keep him from groping them. Which means they weren’t doing their job.


  4. IS THIS WHAT MY TAX MONEY IS BEING USED FOR!!!! Fuck you dems & gop

  5. Cock Dr

    I’m just not used to hetero Republican sex scandals. Those guys are usually on the down low.

  6. Well, what did he expect???
    She is isn’t gonna put out after he told her “You are one ugly muddafucka.”.

  7. How's my roughing? call (718)915-0476

    I thought rich and powerful dudes were supposed to be selective. After Arnie and DSK all my standards are out the windows…

  8. TomFrank

    This sounds almost exactly what Bill Clinton was accused of doing as Governor of Arkansas in the 1980s. It’s as if Arnold read that Troopergate article (American Spectator, Jan. 1994) and took notes.

  9. Sami

    I love that superficial is showing the true equality/stupidity of Reps and Dems when it comes to sex scandals, but if they try to jump on Schwarz-ey, I have 2 words for the media…Bill Clinton.

    • Deacon Jones

      I’m happy for you guys, this breaks the string of “self-hating old gay men sucking cock” incidents for the GOP.

    • TomFrank

      So according to Sami, the media shouldn’t jump on Arnold, because…they didn’t jump on Bill Clinton? Do I have that logic right? Or am I misremembering 1998-99, when the media played up the Lewinsky affair nearly every day for over a year?

    • LEB

      Yes, men on both sides of the aisle have been caught up on sex scandals. But the difference is that Reps who do it always seem to be bigger hypocrites. How many Reps have spoken out vehemently about gay marriage and gay rights, and then get caught toe-tapping with a male prostitute in a bathroom somewhere? How many Reps get elected on the “traditional family values” shtick and then end up being shameless philanderers?

      It’s disgusting when anyone cheats, don’t get me wrong. But being a big, fat hypocrite when you get caught with your pants down (figuratively AND literally) just makes it that much worse.

  10. Cock dr

    This guy has been plugged too many times. Piven and Tom take notice.

  11. see

    men + power =bad

    • supposedly, during the golden age (reeeally ancient egypt) women ran society, not men. unlike in patriarchal societies, there was balance between the sexes, as women treated men as equals. during that time everyone apparently had food and there weren’t wars. If you can find the 5 part NatGeo series called The Pyramid Code, stream it. Episode 4 – The Empowered Human. Absolutely fascinating. The whole series is.

    • dudeatdudedotdude

      Real men can stick it anyware.

      • Cock Dr

        By the mid-20th century, gay was well-established in reference to hedonistic and uninhibited lifestyles[12] and its antonym straight, which had long had connotations of seriousness, respectability, and conventionality, had now acquired specific connotations of heterosexuality.[13] In the case of gay, other connotations of frivolousness and showiness in dress (“gay apparel”) led to association with camp and effeminacy. This association no doubt helped the gradual narrowing in scope of the term towards its current dominant meaning, which was at first confined to subcultures. Gay was the preferred term since other terms, such as queer, were felt to be derogatory.[14] Homosexual is perceived as excessively clinical,[15][16][17] since the sexual orientation now commonly referred to as “homosexuality” was at that time a mental illness diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
        In mid-20th century Britain, where male homosexuality was illegal until the Sexual Offences Act 1967, to openly identify someone as homosexual was considered very offensive and an accusation of serious criminal activity. Additionally, none of the words describing any aspect of homosexuality were considered suitable for polite society. Consequently, a number of euphemisms were used to hint at suspected homosexuality. Examples include “sporty” girls and “artistic” boys,[18] all with the stress deliberately on the otherwise completely innocent adjective.
        The sixties marked the transition in the predominant meaning of the word gay from that of “carefree” to the current “homosexual”. By 1963, a new sense of the word gay was known well enough to be used by Albert Ellis in his book The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Man-Hunting. Similarly, Hubert Selby, Jr. in his 1964 novel Last Exit to Brooklyn, could write ” [he} took pride in being a homosexual by feeling intellectually and esthetically superior to those (especially women) who werent gay…” [19] Later examples of the original meaning of the word being used in popular culture include the theme song to the 1960–1966 animated TV series The Flintstones, whereby viewers are assured that they will “have a gay old time.” Similarly, the 1966 Herman’s Hermits song “No Milk Today”, which became a Top 10 hit in the UK and a Top 40 hit in the U.S. and included the lyric “No milk today, it was not always so / The company was gay, we had turn night into day.”[20] In June 1967, the headline of the review of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album in the British daily newspaper The Times stated, “The Beatles revive hopes of progress in pop music with their gay new LP”.[21] Yet in the same year, The Kinks recorded “David Watts”. Ostensibly about schoolboy envy, the song also operated as an in-joke, as related in Jon Savage’s “The Kinks: The Official Biography”, because the song took its name from a homosexual promoter they’d encountered who’d had romantic designs on songwriter Ray Davies’ teenage brother; and the lines “he is so gay and fancy free” attest to the ambiguity of the word’s meaning at that time, with the second meaning evident only for those in the know.[22] As late as 1970, the first episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show has the demonstrably straight Mary Richards’ downstairs neighbor, Phyllis, breezily declaiming that Mary is, at age 30, still “young and gay.”
        There is little doubt that the homosexual sense is a development of the word’s traditional meaning, as described above. It has nevertheless been claimed that gay stands for “Good As You”, but there is no evidence for this: it is a folk etymology

      • Real men can spell ‘anywhere’

    • TomFrank

      If you’re going to cut and paste from Wikipedia, could you at least take the footnote numbers out? And also, maybe just one paragraph at a time?

  12. mean tina

    california in debt while his penis is in the depths of prostitutes. sad.

  13. Marley

    Jesus Christ. Why does everyone act so surprised when a celebrity/wealthy person cheats? Poor, middle and lower class regular every day people cheat all the time. So if you had a lot of fucking money, and didn’t give a god damn what people think (because of all the money, money does that to you) why the hell wouldn’t you? So why is this considered news? WHY!?

  14. Rancid

    Arnie doesn’t need cyborg implants, all he needs are a pair of glasses.

    I wonder if he was actually competing with his buddies on who can bang the ugliest, fattest broad (and extra points for knocking her up). Back in my day, they called that “buffalo hunting” or “hogging”.

    • Deacon Jones

      Ever do the “English Bulldog”?

      Your friends rush in while you are doing her doggy-style. They try to rip you off her, while you try to stay on and keep screwing.

      The girl doesnt really appreciate it.

      • not gay

        You and your friends sound like closeted gay jocks.

      • Cock Dr

        Has DJ participated in or ever witnessed this particular activity? Or is this just more internet nonsense? I’m betting the latter.

      • Deacon Jones

        My buddy in college had it done to him, he was living in the wrestler’s house (who are bordeline gay IMO).

        And to top it off, the girl he was with was deaf. And when they kicked the door in she started making this loud honking noise, like a goose.

        He told a bunch of us this story at a party, and I never laughed so hard in my entire life.

  15. Rafe (pronounced "Ralph")

    Men have a biological need to regularly become intensely sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm. Men who are monogamous masturbate (as do men who aren’t monogamous). There are social reasons, etc., why all this tends to be repressed. (And when a man “acts out,” i.e., goes to an extreme like Charlie Sheen, this may indicate a great deal of unconscious guilt and repression that the acting out is a vain attempt to overcome; Sheen is no more sexually free than the heavily repressed puritanical male).

    When men who are monogamous masturbate, do they fantasize about or look at photos of those they are in monogamous relationships with? No. Should the women that monogamous masturbators are in relationship with feel jealous of the imaginal and virtual women their masturbating boyfriends or husbands utilize for purposes of sexual stimulation. No. That would be like being jealous that he sometimes desires, eats, and enjoys food that you did not prepare. But women may be wired (by evolution and culture) to feel jealous of the sexually stimulating material used by their male partners.

    Maybe someday neuroscience will make these problems fade away (e.g., maybe a day will come men will be able to be sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm beyond their wildest desires via direct stimulation of their neurons without need of pictures, fantasies, “other women,” etc.) Or not. In the meantime, a lot of men will cheat, and all will masturbate.

    • Pippy Longcockings

      Hold on just a second…..ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz…

    • ham

      Rafe, what about the asexual? Good post, btw.

    • cunnilingus rice

      Thank you for copying and pasting an old Joyce Brothers article.

    • LEB

      Newsflash… monogamous women masturbate, too. I probably do so more often than my husband. Does that mean I have a “biological need” to seek out other parters because I’m “hard wired” to seek out sex all of the time? No, it doesn’t. It just means I like to take care of myself in between sex sessions. Oh, and I think about people other than my husband.

      The argument that men are “hard wired” to cheat or to view porn is a cop out. Men CHOOSE to cheat and CHOOSE to view porn knowing that it offends and upsets their partners. Men who do this just care more about getting than off than respecting their partners. Men aren’t any more “visually stimulated” than women. In fact, women are MORE visual than men. Ever met a male fashion designer or interior decorator who WASN’T gay?

      Men need to stop making excuses for their selfish behavior, and women need to stop buying it, because it’s all a bunch of lies. If you want to view porn constantly and sleep with other women, don’t friggin’ get married. Marriage requires dedication, self-control, loyalty, and respect for the feelings of someone other than yourself.

  16. Bucky Barnes

    Patented Arnold pick-up line: “I know you tink you ahen’t good enough for me but believe me, you ah. Hell, I’ve done it with pigs, real honest to gahd pigs.”

  17. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    Commented on this photo:

    “…And pleeze don’t knack it, unteel you rhide it,
    So to ahll of you gals, you know, I’m cahlling your name,
    Maria, Patty, and Gigi
    Wanna rhide dis train…”

  18. T1

    “Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”

    I love you hilariously silly line!

  19. In his defense, he was always generous enough to give the troopers sloppy seconds. Those guys work hard. I salute them.

  20. the man

    Bill Clinton used to use the HP for the same thing when he was governor of AR. Guess the HP doesn’t have enough to do in some states.

  21. Venom

    Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn’t Arnold have like 4 or 5 kids with Maria?
    That seems to me like she was available for sex all the time.

    He is just a narcissist with issues.
    Let’s see the other 2 kids.

  22. RasputinsLiver


    Der Dogenator’s gonna be in some big fuckin’ doo doo with all this!

    Ahnuld let his Li’l Schwarzie do the thinkin’ for him and now he’s gotta pay the price. Sucks to be him, I guess.

  23. Joe Mahma

    A lesson to wives everywhere:

    Have lots of sex with your husbands, or they’ll find other women to have sex with.

  24. Pippy Longcockings

    He’s like the Bill Clinton of nasty Mexican pussy!

  25. the captain

    well, he wasn’t sexually frustrated fo sure.

  26. mfbinc

    so some security guard, who happens to be a man, is telling on arnold, who also happens to be a man. dude….man rules prohibit men from ratting out other men who cheat. you are now officially kicked out of the man club.

  27. Cpm

    It’s like Bill Clinton using the Arkansas State Troopers to do the same.

  28. Elf

    I betcha neither of his one night stands ever heard the phrase: “I’ll be back.”

  29. anotheranon

    You know what else they had in common? Both of their wives had cancer, and they both made their loyalty to their cancer-stricken wife a centerpeice of their political image. Oh wait – that was only John Edwards. Everyone knows that Arnold has always been a scoundrel, including Maria Shriver. To pretend otherwise just because this time he fathered a kid by another woman is a farce. Maria married a dickhead. Californians elected a dickhead. Arnold continued to be a dickhead. Quelle surprise!

  30. cc

    My name is John Kimble, and I really like my car.

  31. mean tina


  32. Ya Bol


  33. Burt

    Lots of men around the world got up, a huge smile on their face, the night after this story broke. Why? Because they realized they can nicer tail than Conan the Barbarian.

  34. JN

    Now that you’ve got Arnold to over-saturate your site with, who’s gonna get kicked to the curb first, Mel or Charlie?

  35. LEB

    Ah, so it’s Maria’s fault Ahnold had a child out of wedlock, not his. I guess she somehow forced him to not wear a condom with his mistresses, too.

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