January 13, 2006
Cindy Crawford picks her nose
In case you're wondering how to pick your nose in public and still be totally attractive, the first step is to become Cindy Crawford. I don't remember what the second step is, but I'm pretty sure it involved a bikini and a bottle of massage oil.
The Superficial Quickies
• Gwyneth Paltrow has confirmed her pregnancy, which is kind of her since we already know the name of the damn baby.
• Milla Jovovich in skin tight leather swinging around samurai swords and semi-automatic machine guns? Don't mind if I do.
• David Hasselhoff and his wife Pamela Bach are getting divorced after 16 years of marriage. This desperate cry for help is finally making some sense.
Carolyn Murphy sex tape arrest
Carolyn Murphy had her ex-husband arrested last week for trying to sell a sex tape they made on their 17-day honeymoon in Barbados.
Jake Schroeder, a surfer dude with a history of drug abuse, was thrown behind bars in California last Thursday and released on Tuesday after his bail was reduced from $500,000 to $33,000, which was paid by Internet Commerce Group, the company trying to market the two-hour video.
Schroeder, father of Murphy's daughter, Dylan, 5, was in San Jose yesterday living in his car with two dogs. "He's essentially homeless. He called this morning and asked if we could find him an apartment," said David Gingras, a lawyer for ICG. "I told him if he's arrested for anything else, even jaywalking, we're not bailing him out."
All this time I thought Britney Spears had married the biggest stooge in America, but I think Carolyn Murphy may have taken the crown from her. As pathetic as Kevin Federline is, I don't remember ever reading about him living in a car with his two dogs, trying to extort his wife by selling a sex tape they made during their honeymoon. Although now I'm torn between hating the man, and hailing him as a hero. I've been trying to get a Carolyn Murphy sex tape for years, and the closest I've come is a blurry camcorder recording from the tree that sits outside her bedroom window.
MODEL'S EX JAILED FOR SEX TAPE [Page Six]
Britney Spears goes shopping
Here's a pic of Britney doing some shopping and carting around a Victoria's Secret bag. I hope she was shopping for bras, because her boobs look like they're about to eat through her shirt. The guy behind her looks like he's trying to determine whether what he's seeing is sexy or whether the fifteen bags of Skittles she ate is coming out of his salary.
Jennifer Aniston didn't know
According to TV show Extra, Brad Pitt did not call Jennifer Aniston to tell her about girlfriend Angelina Jolie's pregnancy announcement. Aniston's publicist, Stephen Huvane, cleared up reports that Pitt and former wife Aniston spoke before the announcement on Wednesday.
"All the reports about phone calls between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are all made-up lies," Huvane said.
Oh great. So now we get to see another 4 million articles about what a martyr Jennifer is and how life is so hard and how she struggled and survived. If self-pity was fat, Jennifer would be Butterbean. Here's a news flash: shit happens. I'm not sure on what planet it's harder for people with millions of dollars and millions of fans to deal with life than the rest of us poor shmucks. Oh yes, it's planet Whiny Bitch. Hopefully it'll soon be invaded by planet Chlamydia.
Melissa Joan Hart gives birth
Melissa Joan Hart, known for her starring role on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday. The 29-year-old and her husband Mark Wilkerson have named their first child Mason Walter Wilkerson. Melissa said, "He was a little stubborn but all is well. Everyone is well and we are all relieved."
The polite thing in these circumstances is to say "congratulations", but a more accurate description of my feelings is "thank god." Most women look good when they're pregnant, but Melissa...I mean, just look at that picture. It's like something you'd use in a Soviet interrogation room. "You no talk, huh? What about we show you...(pulls out picture) this!" (ensuing screams, tears, thumb-sucking, weeping like a little girl).
January 12, 2006
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are engaged
Ted Casablanca from E! is claiming that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are engaged, with Justin asking Cameron only "seconds after the goofy yet hot duo returned from their holiday ski trip in Telluride, Colorado."
"Justin didn't get down on his knee," 'splains my extreme insider. "They were just talking about it and were kind of like, Yep, let's do it. He didn't give her a ring, and she's still not wearing one. But she is squealing, like, all the time."
Cameron Diaz squealing, eh? That's new. Because it's not like she ever squeals. It's also good to see that Justin is such a romantic sweetheart. Just because you've got millions of dollars left over in *NSync money doesn't mean you have to drop $10,000 on an engagement ring. Or get down on one knee. Or do anything else that people usually do when they propose. I'm surprised he didn't just club her over the head and drag her to Vegas.
Kristanna Loken is topless
Our sex partners at I Watch Stuff! have posted Kristanna Loken's topless scene from Bloodrayne in hopes that it'll stop any of you out there from actually watching the movie and supporting Uwe Boll. It's not exactly the best quality you've ever seen, but considering Uwe Boll is the source material, that's probably not such a bad thing. You can watch the very NSFW clip here.
Kristanna Loken topless sex scene from Bloodrayne [I Watch Stuff!]
Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan - holy crap
In the early front runner for "Story of the Year", Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss wandered into a New York strip club and started acting like a pair of drunken lesbians. The two, along with a couple of female friends, went to Scores strip club at about 2:45 a.m. yesterday morning and headed straight for the legendary Champagne Room, where the giggly group ordered round after round of vodka shots, raspberry Kamikazes and beer. Their table was immediately swarmed by strippers and Lohan and Moss enjoyed numerous lap dances. But then Moss jumped on the stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to the delight of hundreds of male patrons.
"Kate was going wild," a witness told us. "After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers. The crowd was cheering them on the whole time. They didn't take off any clothes, but it was very hot."
You know, this is the kind of stuff they should make movies of. Hell, it could start with two-hours of Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell in a rousing game of "hide the banana", and I'd still be there opening night. But all I can really say is - thank God for drugs. I don't care if they're slowly turning Lindsay into a ring-wraith; if it keeps her playing tongue-monkey with supermodels, they should be sprinkling angel-dust on her cereal.
KATE, LINDSAY BUMP-&-GRIND [Page Six]
Eminem, Ex-Wife getting hitched soon
According to the Macomb County clerk's office, Kim Mathers has applied for a license to marry Marshall Bruce Mathers III, aka Eminem. The license was to be ready on Thursday.
They have 33 days from the application date to remarry in Michigan, but information on the wedding has been scant. The couple reconciled in late 2004, after a divorce in 2001 that included an ugly custody battle over his young daughter.
Most of what I know about relationships I learned from a gaggle of wise but strangely flexible chinese prostitutes, but even I have my doubts about this working out. In debating whether to marry Eminem, I'd have to think "husband-to-be wrote songs about killing me" would weigh pretty heavily on the 'con' side. If I was Kim, I'd definitely be sleeping with a baseball bat. I'd also definitely be playing with my boobs.
Eminem, Ex-Wife Apply for Marriage License [NY Daily News]
Macaulay Culkin goes ring-shopping
Macaulay Culkin and his longtime girlfriend, That 70's Show actress Mila Kunis, are reportedly shopping for an engagement ring after deciding to wed. The couple, dating since 2002, were spotted ring shopping at a number of Beverly Hills jewelers last week, and friends claim they're planning to wed this year. A source says, "Mila's looking for a ring that's unique and may even opt for a ruby instead of a diamond." Culkin was previously married to actress Rachel Miner, but they divorced in 2000.
Well good for Macaulay, getting back on the marriage horse again. But all the marijuana must be affecting his hearing, because Mila Kunis has one of the most godawful voices in the history of man. Seriously, if it was a choice between talking to her on the phone for 24 hours or butchering my parents with an onion peeler, I'd be asking for my Christmas presents early this year. I'd probably also ask for a new onion peeler.
Nick Lachey has a pathetic house
In Touch magazine reports that Nick Lachey bought a $300,000 house in Cincinnati with his father just before Christmas, and the two of them plan to spend time renovating it together.
Considering the California home he's been living in was just sold to Justin Berfield, it's nice to know that Nick won't be completely homeless. Although compared to Jessica Simpson's new $3 million home, he might as well be. I don't know what kind of house you can buy for $300,000 in today's market, but I doubt it consists of much more than four planks of wood and maybe a plastic tarp. Even the used refrigerator box I bought from the hobo down the street cost me $250,000, and that bad boy has a hole for me to pee out of. I don't even have to leave the comfort of the box. It's amazing!
Colin Farrell can break the internet
Colin Farrell's publicist is claiming that dirtycolin.com was shut down Tuesday after it violated a court order blocking the release of Farrell's sex tape, despite the site's owner claiming it was merely a server failure due to heavy traffic. Farrell's publicist says: "A website attempting to distribute an unauthorized tape of Colin Farrell was shut down today. Mr. Farrell will take legal action against anyone who tries to distribute this tape."
I don't know who to believe, but considering the site seems officially dead, I'll give this one to Colin. You can still catch the NSFW preview of the tape here, though if you value your eyesight I recommend you stay away. Seeing a dirty looking Irishman get his freak on with a dirty looking ex-playmate has a way of burning its way into your brain. Sort of like walking in on your parents doing it in the living room, only with less therapy afterwards.
January 11, 2006
Angelina Jolie is officially pregnant
People magazine has confirmed that Angelina Jolie is indeed pregnant with Brad Pitt's kid.
"Yes, I'm pregnant," Jolie told a charity aid worker in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, Monday. The pregnancy has since been confirmed by representatives of both stars.
It seems strangely fitting that Angelina's first biological child would come from Brad Pitt and not one of her previous guy friends. It's almost as if her DNA was smart enough to reject Billy Bob Thornton's sperm and wait it out for a more suitable candidate. One who was voted "sexiest man alive", and not "most likely to marry his cousin."
Angelina Jolie Pregnant [People]
Heath Ledger doesn't like West Virginia, Mormons
Heath Ledger has lashed out at the U.S. theaters in Utah that refused to show his movie Penis Party Brokeback Mountain.
“Personally, I don’t think the movie is [controversial] but I think maybe the Mormons in Utah do. I think it’s hilarious and very immature of a society,” Ledger said in The Herald Sun. “I heard a while ago that West Virginia was going to ban it but that’s a state that was lynching people only 25 years ago so that’s to be expected.”
Damn those religions and their damn...religious convictions. It's obvious they should spend less time praying and more time watching gay cowboy movies and climbing to the top of Mount Man-Butt. Thankfully Heath will show us the way. And while I'm not the American history scholar that Ledger obviously is, I'm fairly certain that West Virginia hasn't been lynching people in recent history. But hopefully he'll travel there in the near future and prove me wrong.
Nick Lachey has high standards
Nick Lachey is narrowing down his search for a new woman after his split from Jessica Simpson. Speaking to Elle magazine, Lachey says, "Jessica Alba's beautiful. So is Eva Mendes." But he also wants his new woman to be chaste. Sorta. "I'm all for 10 (sexual partners) and under, but, of course, as you get older, that number becomes less realistic." Even more unrealistic is his expectation that she'll like his music: "I hope that she'll at least respect my music. If she didn't like it, I could live with that." The interview apparently broke down at this point as the reporter was seized with a fit of giggles.
But let's summarize here: a girl who looks like Jessica Alba, has a limited sexual history, and likes his music. The only girl I can come up with is some sort of beautifully retarded nun. Or Jessica Simpson. Hmmm, maybe that whole 'divorce' thing wasn't such a great idea.
Colin Farrell sex tape gets out
Colin Farrell and estranged girlfriend Nicole Narain are banding together to stop the release of their infamous sex tape. Yesterday, both of them were blindsided when someone offered the tape on the Internet for $14.95.
"We're extremely upset," Narain's lawyer said after learning of the existence of the website www.dirtycolin.com. "This is a black-market release. Nicole is not getting a dime from this. We're outraged — $14.95 is a ridiculous figure." As of last night, the Federal District Court in L.A. has shut down the site, which was registered by one "John Taylor" to a server in Coral Gables, Fla.
It's always amazing to me how these people lose track of their sex tapes. It's like "hey baby, you know that sex tape we made? Where you're dressed like a Yeti? Yeah, that's right, the one with the twizzlers. Well I posted it on Sweaty-Yeti.com. What? You really think people will recognize us? Oh, that's right, that $200 million movie last summer. Good point. I probably should've thought of that." These idiots deserve neither pity nor money. Just herpes.
Out of the blue, Colin's sex tape lands on Web [NY Daily News]
January 10, 2006
Lindsay Lohan denies Vanity Fair interview
Lindsay Lohan is denying claims made in her Vanity Fair interview about her problems with drugs and bulimia.
"The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done," Lohan, 19, wrote in an e-mail dated January 9.
"Aside from [the writer's] lies and changing of my words," Lohan said in the statement, "I am blessed to have this job and wonderful family that I do." Her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, tells TEEN PEOPLE that Lohan does not have bulimia now, nor did she ever.
A rep for Vanity Fair tells TEEN PEOPLE, "Evgenia Peretz is one of our most reliable reporters. Every word Lindsay Lohan told her is on tape. Vanity Fair stands by the story."
I know reporters make up all sorts of crap to sell magazines, but I'm going to have to side against Lindsay Lohan on this one. It's not that she's a compulsive liar when it comes to her drug use and eating disorders, it's just that she's a totally compulsive liar when it comes to her drug use and eating disorders.
Lindsay Denies Having Bulimia [Teen People]
Justin Berfield buys Newlyweds house
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's Newlyweds house went up for sale on Monday for $3.75 million, and was bought today by 19-year old Justin Berfield, who plays Reese in Malcolm in the Middle.
I'm not entirely sure why a 19-year old boy would want to own the Simpson Lachey house, but I figure it has something to do with sniffing around for Jessica Simpson's scent and masturbating to it. 19-year olds still masturbate right? That's what they do?
'Malcolm' actor buys Simpson-Lachey House [ABC News]
Paris Hilton is too drunk to walk
Paris Hilton had difficulty walking after a crazy night in Hollywood yesterday, and needed help from her bodyguard to support her. Although I'm unfamiliar with the bodyguard rule that says you're supposed to lift a drunk woman by their breasts.
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe split up
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have separated after more than eight years of marriage.
"Hilary and Chad have decided to separate, but they are hopeful they'll be able to get through this tough time," Swank's manager Troy Nankin said in a statement Monday. There was no elaboration on the reason for the split.
I suspect that Chad finally got sick of Hilary calling him a girlie man while holding him in a headlock giving him noogies. Being fit is one thing, but being able to bench press your husband with one arm is another.
Hilary Swank and Husband Chad Lowe Split [NY Daily News]
Britney Spears Is Overprotective
Britney Spears is so protective over her baby son Sean Preston that she will only let her own mother Lynne hold him. Lynne joined her daughters, Jamie Lynn, Britney and son-in-law Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, Nevada, over the weekend, where she said, "Britney's really picky. She's doesn't let just anybody hold Sean, but she lets me." She also lashed out at reports Britney and Federline's marriage was on the rocks, saying, "She's very happy. Kevin does change diapers. I'm very close to him."
Well I think this marks the first time that anyone anywhere has accused Britney of being picky. It's hard to be labeled picky when you dress like its "Kathy Bates look-alike day" at the Salvation Army and marry a man who stands in front of a mirror all day calling himself "Federlicious." As for being overprotective - I don't think the kid has much to fear. As long as Kevin doesn't sell him for pot. And as long as they don't run out of cheetos. Otherwise Britney's likely to eat him.
Dave Navarro lucky to be alive
Dave Navarro narrowly escaped a beating at his L.A. lounge, Rokbar. Navarro wrote on his official site that a "7-foot-tall, 5-feet-wide" guy asked him to take a picture with his sister while he was eating last Thursday night. Navarro politely declined. But after Navarro refused a round of shots the man sent over, things turned ugly.
A half-hour later the stranger returned and cursed him out: "He then loses it and turns over all the drinks and plates on my table, and they all go flying into the air and shatter as they crash into each other and onto the table, causing a rain of glass to fall upon me and my friends. Glass goes into hair, clothes and actually slightly cuts up my arm." Fortunately for Navarro, his security staff got between him and the stranger, who got in a limo and left.
Thank God for the security, because the last thing anyone wants to see is Dave Navarro getting his ass kicked. Unless it somehow involves Carmen Electra getting naked. Like that time I kicked Dave's ass and then had sex with Carmen Electra. It was great and all, but I felt kinda bad later on, because I'm pretty sure that's not how he wanted his birthday to end. I also felt bad for taking a dump in his fish tank. (note: I probably should have attached a picture of Dave Navarro with this post. I didn't. I shouldn't need to explain why.)
Jerk Rattles Reluctant Rocker [Page Six]
Brad and Angelina to start the 100 mile high club
In what is probably the beginning of a quest to adopt a needy space orphan, Brad and Angelina have paid for their reserved seats on billionaire Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic spaceship. Along with William Shatner, Robbie Williams, Sigourney Weaver and Moby, the pair will begin training in two years, and the actual trip will take place in 2010.
Please God, let that trip be televised, because I can't picture anything more amusing. I'm pretty sure no human on the planet could stand even a 10-minute car ride with William Shatner and Robbie Williams without punching them in the groin about a thousand times, let alone a days-long trip into outer space. And if anyone can get away with jettisoning those two schmucks into space, I'm pretty sure those people are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Get Ready For Space Travel [Entertainment Wise]
Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating
19-year old Lindsay Lohan and 32-year old Leonardo DiCaprio are supposedly dating. They were first spotted kissing during Lindsay's New Year's Eve party at Miami's Prive nightclub; and after she had her asthma attack, Leonardo allegedly visited her at the hospital.
A source told Britain's Daily Star Sunday newspaper: "Leo visited every night. He would sneak in through a back entrance wearing a cap which covered his face. The 32-year-old actor is reportedly so smitten with the 19-year-old that he plans to fly to New York with her to meet her mother and manager, Dina.
I really hope this is true. Not because they'd make a cute couple, but because it'd be funny if Leonardo constantly made snide comments comparing Lindsay Lohan to Gisele Bundchen. "Oh, you're eating dinner? Gisele never used to eat dinner." And then Lindsay would run sobbing to the bathroom, two fingers down her throat and a bottle of laxatives in her hand.
Lindsay Lohan dating DiCaprio [Female First]
Arnold Schwarzenegger crashes motorcycle
Arnold Schwarzenegger crashed his motorcycle over the weekend, with his 12-year old son Patrick riding in the sidecar. They were both wearing helmets and weren't seriously injured, but they were taken to St. John's Hospital where Arnold got 15 stitches in his lip. All he needs to do now is get engaged to a homosexual and his transformation into Katie Holmes will be nearly complete.
Crash Terminates Arnold's Joyride [E! Online]
January 09, 2006
Mischa Barton spotted spotting
Mischa Barton must have missed the memo about not wearing white on extra leaky days, because I doubt she wanted to show up in public with her period juice all over the place. Or maybe she's really proud of her period. I mean blood leaking out of the vagina. That's pretty awesome, right?
Thanks to the foxy Candice for the pictures.
Anticlown Media launches I Watch Stuff!
It's not everyday Anticlown Media launches a brand new site. That said, one of our editors got stolen away and has been furiously working on the super amazing I Watch Stuff! It might not be as sexy as The Superficial, but it'll still give you a pretty magnificent boner. And boners, my friend, is what the internet is all about.
Visit I Watch Stuff! [Official Site]
Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchros accept drugs from Steve-O
Remember when Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchros crashed their car in Los Angeles? Well Steve-O claimed on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week that he gave them “some mind-altering substances” shortly before the incident, saying: “About a half hour before Paris Hilton had that car crash, I may have given her some mind-altering substances.” He also claims that prior to the accident he had met Paris and Stavros at a night club and provided them with nitrous-filled balloons, adding: “I probably shouldn’t say that. Whoops!”
The credibility of this story is nearly zero, since the only person stupid enough to accept drugs from Steve-O died in 1938 when he jumped off a cliff, trying to figure out if he could bounce off the inside of a bear's mouth.
Pink marries Carey Hart
Pink got married to Carey Hart in Costa Rica over the weekend, further confusing everybody in the world that thought she was a lesbian.
Per Us Weekly, the two-time Grammy winner, whose real name is Alecia Moore, wore a cream gown and had her blonde hair accented with, yes, pink highlights. Pink, 26, and Hart, 30, walked barefoot down the candle-lit aisle to the strains of Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman," according to Us.
I always pictured Pink getting married in Vegas to a buzzcut woman in her mid 30's. Actually that's a lie. The only thing I've ever pictured Pink doing is getting cut in half by a samurai sword, and that was shortly after I saw her trying to perform live. I'm not sure if you know this, but hearing her perform live will literally cause your intestines to explode and make you crap your pants in pain. I have a very dirty pair of underwear that can vouch for this.
Jamie Foxx has too much money
You know what's a good sign that you might have too much time and money on your hands? Other then buying a pet giraffe to walk you from room to room in your mansion, it's going to a bar and tipping $1000 in single bills just for the fun of it. Jamie Foxx was reportedly drinking champagne at Teddy's in L.A. with some friends and, when the bill came, Jamie said, "Let me get the tip." He then reached into his bag, pulled out some cash, and slowly counted out 1,000 $1 bills and dumped it all on the table. Apparently this isn't the first time either, as Page Six also reports that two weeks ago in Las Vegas, a small riot broke out when he tossed a huge roll of $1 bills from a nightclub balcony.
If I was as rich as Jamie Foxx (and God willing I will be) I wouldn't waste my time playing tricks on people with $1 bills. Instead I'd hire an army of trained monkeys and unleash them on the White House. It wouldn't really accomplish anything, but seeing the President covered in monkey poo would be pretty damn funny.
