September 30, 2005
Anne Hathaway is nude in Havoc
Screen captures of Anne Hathaway's much hyped nude scene in the upcoming Havoc have been leaked and they're utterly disappointing. Word on the street was that she was to appear with full frontal nudity in scenes so offensive they'd make porn stars feel bashful, but it looks like the producers decided against it and only left in topless shots. I guess they felt making a ton of money off horny teenage boys would have been a bad business move. Which it would have been, because the only thing people hate more than money is Anne Hathaway's sweet sweet vagina.
Absolutely NSFW images after the jump.
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake might get married
According to nobody in particular, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are said to be planning a secret Christmas wedding ceremony, which is a rumor unlike any we've heard before. The couple have invited 150 close friends to "celebrate their romance" in Hawaii, but some invitees have told Britain's Daily Star that they suspect guests will be treated to a surprise wedding.
Or a ritualistic slaughter. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I don't think there's any other way to explain how a filthy street urchin and a pre-pubescent boy with the voice of a pre-pubescent girl ascended to such fame unless Satan and ceremonial cannibalism were involved. Plus I hear that eating human flesh is really bad for your skin. So, you know, that explains two things.
Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt are desperate
Wait, what? Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt have breasts? Did anyone else know about this? Because I've never heard them talk about it. And I've been sitting here, fake-admiring their modeling and acting prowess like a schmuck, when all the while I could have been real-admiring their breastigial prowess. Yeah, I know "breastigial" isn't a word, but I don't have time to think of not-fake words. I have years of staring to catch up on.
Tara Reid is unemployed
Page Six reports that Tara Reid is bordering on a mental breakdown after the cancellation of Taradise , though I have no idea how anybody could even gauge a mental breakdown with Tara. A mental breakdown suggests that there's a mind to actually break down, as opposed to the cavity of air where Tara's brain should be.
Anyways, she recently fired her publicist and moved back to New York and had a "complete meltdown" during her interview with Steppin' Out magazine. A transcript of Tara's insane ramblings after the jump.
September 29, 2005
Lindsay Lohan gets naked
Lindsay Lohan, who has presumably gotten around to reading her fan mail from a year ago, has decided to give the fans what they want and appear naked in an upcoming Vanity Fair cover.
Lohan shot the top secret cover photo on a beach in Malibu, California last week - and it was actually her idea to pose naked. A source says, "It was Paris Hilton's recent Vanity Fair cover, where she's topless and covering her breasts with her arms, that inspired Lindsay to push the envelope even further."
Remember when we all wanted to see Lindsay Lohan naked, and then she turned into a steaming petri dish of every mother's worst nightmare? I mean, other girls want to be lawyers, or doctors, or not disgusting. But Lindsay's life goal? Is to push the envelope further than Paris Hilton. I didn't even think you could push the envelope further than Paris Hilton. Wouldn't you just have to have sex with the envelope at that point? And that's not what envelopes are for. They're for sending letters, not herpes spores.
Nicole Kidman sort of insults Tom Cruise
Risking more angry letters from Tom Cruise's lawyers, Nicole Kidman has decided to object against the ravings Cruise made months ago on the Today show about psychiatry being bad... or fantastic? I'm not entirely sure. I never actually watched it because, you know, who wakes up before noon?
After researching her role as psychiatrist for her next movie The Visiting, Kidman is a full supporter of the benefits of psychiatry. She says, "I have a father who is a psychologist, so my life has been research. Yeah, of course (psychiatry is worthwhile)..."
It seems that every time Nicole Kidman says anything even vaguely Tom Cruise-related, like, "Psychiatry is good" or "I don't care for midgets," everyone gets all excited over how she "blasted" him. But I think that's all talk and no action. So I propose we just get it all over with, throw them into a pit and have them beat each other to death with their Oscars. Except Tom Cruise's "Oscar" would be a bowling pin wrapped in tin foil. It may not be too classy, but maybe it'll get the guy some publicity for a change.
Nicole Richie crashes into mail truck
It's funny because she crashed into a mail truck. Too bad she wasn't driving something a little more embarrassing like a Hyundai or a Kia. Or a shopping cart. It would've been great if she was driving a shopping cart.
Shirley Temple hates Paris Hilton
After consulting her IMDB profile and realizing that most people hadn't seen or heard of her since 1961, former child star Shirley Temple Black decided that the hippest, most happening thing she could do was hate Paris Hilton:
The 77-year-old former curly topped cutie has blasted Hilton, saying that those like the partying heiress are "stealing the thunder from really talented actors who have learnt their craft," reports the London Express.
I knew Paris Hilton was annoying, but I didn't think she was annoying enough to reawaken the dead. And don't you Paris Hilton supporters give me that tired old argument: "But Shirley Temple isn't dead. She's just really, really old." That's exactly the kind of thinking that'll get all our brains eaten by undead post-war starlets. So if you wake up to Lucille Ball gnawing on your head, don't blame me, blame necromancer Hilton.
Kate Moss goes to rehab
Kate Moss has reportedly checked into a rehabilitation clinic in Arizona after losing her contracts with H&M, Burberry and Chanel when pictures of her snorting cocaine were published in the Daily Mirror.
Friends of the 31-year-old supermodel who was photographed apparently snorting cocaine told The Times that Moss flew to The Meadows clinic, where she will spend a month in "medical treatment and therapy."
That's unfortunate, because I don't think a sober Kate Moss would still beat the shit out of people. Nothing gives an 85 lb super model the strength and fury of ten lions like delicious cocaine. And nothing makes me happier than reading about crazy supermodels who beat up their boyfriends and headbutt their personal assistants. Except maybe ice cream. Ice cream makes me pretty happy.
September 28, 2005
Sean Preston Spears Federline not as stylish as dad
Bundles of cloth are always fun to look at, but I'm more interested in Kevin Federline. I don't care how comfortable with your sexuality you are, it's never okay for a straight man to roll up their shirt like an 80's aerobics instructor.
Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz are hobos
Fashion designer Valentino said in an interview with a German newspaper that Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz dress like homeless people.
"Today you see Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz running around looking unkempt in jogging trousers, they look like bag ladies, like homeless people. In the past you never saw that," Valentino was quoted as saying by weekly paper Die Zeit.
The only thing that could top that is if the Queen of England slapped Catherine Zeta-Jones in the face and called her a dirty whore. I've been saying Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz look like hobos for years, but when a fashion designer like Valentino agrees with you, it really gives validation to your life. Now all I need is official confirmation from the Pope that Kirsten Dunst is a dirty vampire troll.
J.Lo stuffs baby heads into bottles
Jennifer Lopez has proven herself to be the ultimate people pleaser by simultaneously quenching her Corpse Groom's thirst for virgin blood, providing teenage girls with yet another scent to conceal the smell of pot that's baked into their tank tops, and making amends with Heather Mills McCartney by focusing on killing something other than animals:
The Latin beauty, who has just launched a new fragrance called Live, revealed: "They asked me what smells intrigued me and I told them the smell of a baby's head was beautiful."
Bravo, Heather Mills. Bravo. Because of you, the world's squirrels are safe for another day, and we're finally addressing the alarming issue of infant overpopulation. And kudos to you, J.Lo. You truly are a modern-day Jonathan Swift.
Anna Nicole Smith wastes the Supreme Court's time
Walking douchechill, Anna Nicole Smith, recently appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court in one last attempt to yank millions of dollars out of her late husband's cold dead hands. Smith claims that oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II promised her millions of dollars when they got married in 1994 - he was 89 years old and she was 26 - but that Marshall's son schemed to cut her out of the estate after Marshall's passing only a year after he married Smith. Yesterday, U.S. Supreme Court justices said they would consider Smith's appeal, which could land her as much as $474,000,000.
It scares me to think of future law school students studying the socio-legal implications of a case like Anna Nicole Smith v. Decency, where the evidence starts from Exhibit C and goes all the way through to Exhibit Double-F, and consists mostly of bras and the random number generator Anna Nicole used to determine the size of her new bust line every week. I'm not saying that her breasts will be a deciding factor in the high court's decision per se, but you try to keep a bunch of angry old men's attention for more than three minutes without flashing some bra action. Plus I hear Ruth Bader Ginsburg is totally into experimenting, and apparently she likes 'em busty.
Mariah wins money, thanks boobs
Mariah Carey is said to have won $27,000 in a Las Vegas Casino on Friday after playing just three rounds of poker. She tells ContactMusic.com:
"I used to play poker with my sister. But I think my low-cut dress put some of the guys off."
Some people are saying that none of this ever happened, and that Mariah's publicist just planted the story to get her some press coverage, which actually isn't that far fetched. As genuinely hypnotic as Mariah is from the neck down, in Las Vegas, you can't drop a pin in a room without popping silicone into someone's eye, so I would imagine that hardcore poker players are used to having a fleshy nimbus of breasts floating around their heads all day. After all, they don't call it Sin City because there's a lack of hookers and they think the irony is cute. And even if anybody at the table did stare at her chest, it's probably because they were thinking, "Now where have I seen a pair like those before?"
Pam Anderson seeks restraining order, misses golden opportunity
According to People News, Pamela Anderson has filed a request for a restraining order against a man she claims has been stalking and harassing her family for over a month. The first incedent apparently occured on September 15th:
Anderson said she saw William Stansfield, 29, talking to her 7-year-old son at school. She said when she approached him, he told her he wanted her to stop working on her TV series Stacked and commit to a movie he had written for her.
That was a bum move on Anderson's part. She should have at least looked at the script. Doesn't she know that a lot of actors and actresses got their big break by collaborating with probable sexual deviants? Nobody knew who Nicole Kidman was until she starred alongside Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder; Adrien Brody won an Oscar because of Roman Polanski, who was convicted for the statutory rape of a 13-year old girl; and Paris Hilton... well, I'm not sure if you can technically collaborate with yourself, but if so, her newfound fame has teenage boys and lonely middle-aged men all over the world "collaborating with themselves" to her DVD. So clearly, unsettling perverts are Hollywood's lucky charms, but unfortunately, Anderson was too busy with trivial things like the terror of a man endangering her family to see the rainbow for its pot of gold.
God bless Senator Affleck
In these times of fear and uncertainty, the Democrats know that the people of America vehemently demand a leader with strength, conviction, and the charisma of the party's good old days. Enter Ben Affleck, a man like no other. A man with the pure strength of will to promote Pearl Harbor, Gigli, and Surviving Christmas without once bursting into laughter. A man with the conviction to stand up and say, "No. Smoking is cool, and the only side effect second-hand smoke will have on my girlfriend's baby is that it'll be the James Dean of fetises, even if it is a girl." A man with enough Clinton-esque charisma to sacrifice his relationship with an infamous music icon just to lure a Canadian stripper, the most coquettish breed of strippers, out of her shell. Truly he was born to lead:
Virginia hasn't been kind to Hollywood celebrities who dabble in politics. That hasn't stopped rumors that actor Ben Affleck is being courted to challenge Republican George F. Allen for his U.S. Senate seat in 2008.
And somewhere, Sean Penn is throwing his Oscar at the TV and wishing he had been more politcally vocal.
Jennifer Garner is having a girl
I don't watch Jay Leno because I value my brain, but apparently Jennifer Garner let it slip twice that she was expecting a baby girl. Reader Mona writes in:
So Jennifer Garner accidentally referred to her unborn child as a "she" twice tonight on Jay Leno. The first time she covered it up pretty well, but the second time she stunned herself, threw her arms up to her mouth and sat there in silence for about 15 seconds. Oh it was great. So, congratulations for Ben and Jen and their soon to be born baby girl!!
None of this really matters though, since if Ben Affleck continues to smoke around his pregnant wife the only baby that'll be left is a um, dead...blobby...thing. Because that's what happens when pregnant women breathe cigarette smoke. Their babies turn into dead blobby things. And I have a PhD in babies so you know I'm right.
September 27, 2005
Donald Trump and Melania Knauss are pregnant
Donald Trump's spokeswoman has confirmed that Melania Knauss is pregnant with his fifth child.
The New York Post said the baby was due in the spring. Trump's spokeswoman Norma Foerderer said the Post report that Trump's wife was pregnant was true but she declined to give any further details.
Looks like Melania is more commited to getting Donald's money than I had given her credit for. I thought marrying the man would be the farthest she'd be willing to go, but to actually let him impregnate her is really going the distance. I figured she would have just slipped him some pills during dinner and made it look like he had a heart attack during sex, but to actually have his child and wait for him to die naturally is mind blowing. Though with Britney Spears giving birth and the announcement of Donald Trump's offspring, I think we finally have an explanation for nature's sudden decision to try and destroy us all.
Kathy Griffin is divorced
Comedian Kathy Griffin, co-host to Star Jones in all E! red carpet events and former co-star to Brooke Shields in Suddenly Susan, has filed for divorce after four and a half years of marriage to computer technician Matt Moline.
I can't help but think that Star Jones has a hand in this. (And the other stuck in one of those bulk jelly bean dispensers. Honestly, Star, just pay the 75 cents.) We've all seen The Little Mermaid. We've seen what Star did to Ariel, trying to steal her man and get all up in her business and kill her. And if you think about it, Kathy Griffin would look a lot like Ariel is she was half fish, or if Ariel was half foul-mouthed crazy bitch. Or all foul-mouthed crazy bitch. Or all foul-mouthed crazy hilarious.
Anyway, the point is: Star Jones tried to kill every little girl's animated hero, and Kathy Griffin is not Star Jones. Therefore, Star Jones must pay for breaking up Kathy Griffin's marriage. And admit it, even though there is literally no sense to my argument, you somehow still agree with me, don't you?
The dead like Jennifer Love Hewitt, the living not so much
Jennifer Love Hewitt claims that, after meeting with an exorcist to research her role in soon-to-be-cancelled TV show Ghost Whisperers, she had an encounter with a ghost that liked to ogle her in the shower. Because she has breasts, you see, and she'll be damned if she'll let us forget it, even after we've long forgotten her.
But her most terrifying experience came when she was showering and turned to see a ghostly male figure leering at her naked body.She revealed: "The ghost had a crush on me and liked to see me showering."
I've watched a lot of The X-Files in my day, so that must make me a licensed deadologist or something, and it's my expert opinion that any ghost looming around Jennifer Love Hewitt is the ghost of her dead career. And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the ghost wasn't ogling her, but merely reflecting on it's own demise, thinking, "If only I had shown off the goods, maybe she wouldn't be starring in the undoubtedly awful The Ghost Whisperers or the sadly inevitable I Still Know What You Did In The Summer Of 1997, And Apparently I Still Have Some Unresolved Issues With It."
Wow. It's eerie how much insight the dead have, isn't it?
Paris and Paris on the rocks, except not, except maybe
Paris Latsis' father, who has never approved of his son's relationship to Paris Hilton, is saying that the engagement between the two has more or less been called off. I'm going to go ahead and believe him because his knuckle hair is insured for more than my life.
The elder Latsis, who's the mayor of the town of Vouliagmeni in Greece, adds, "Both his mother and I agree that our son is far too young to contemplate marriage and children. Our son agreed with us. There was unanimity on this issue."
In my opinion, She-Paris is simply a victim of circumstance. If only she had met He-Paris thousands of years ago in Ancient Greece, where they appreciated tramps, things would have been different. If I recall, their king of gods mostly just slept around, and their goddess of love was borne from a severed penis, and that was pretty much the basis of their religion. Man, they would have loved She-Paris. What a shame. She could have been like Helen of Troy; she could have been the Face that Launched a Thousand Free Clinics.
September 26, 2005
Gwyneth Paltrow keeps crypts
Oh my God, grandma, get back in the coffin! You're embarrassing yourself! Why can't you die with digni-- oh, it's just Fishstick. Or Wednesday Addams. Either way, it's rude to show up to a funeral wearing the same thing as the deceased. At least grandma had the good sense to wear a bra, and she's dead. What's your excuse?
Nicole Richie goes to Disneyland
It wasn't the first time Nicole Richie was mistaken for a homosexual fairy boy.
Mischa Barton dates Kimberly Stewart's ex
According to Radar Online, Mischa Barton has sparked Kimberly Stewart's syphilitic fury by dating Stewart's ex-fiancée, Whitestarr singer Cisco Adler.
"Kimberly is finally over Cisco, but she was furious that a friend of hers would date her ex," says a source close to Stewart. "She called up Mischa and gave her an earful. She said Cisco was totally gross and that after all the nasty stuff Kimberly had told her about him she should know better than to date such a douchebag."
I think that Mischa should listen to her. After all, if anyone knows about being gross or being bags of things, it's Kimberly Stewart. Besides, no girl wants to have somebody else's sloppy seconds, especially when those sloppy seconds have been inside Kimberly Stewart's sloppy... well, I think you get the point. Actually, no, the next word was vagina. There's no need to be subtle about a woman who could very well have Geppetto trapped inside her cooter, and probably does.
Ashton and Demi skip indecent proposal, jump straight into indecent marriage
Us Weekly is reporting that Kabbalah's newest unwitting pawns/power couple, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, have gotten married (for real this time) and that we should all drop what we're doing and focus really hard on caring:
Us Weekly is the first news outlet in the world to report that Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night at a Beverly Hills home in a ceremony in front of more than 100 of their closest friends and family, according to several sources close to the couple. ''It was very last minute,'' one guest told Us.
I know a lot of people think that this marriage is creepy because she's 15 years older than him, but those people are just stupid. Everyone knows that only parts of Demi Moore are older than Ashton Kutcher. Most of the other parts are actually way younger. If you think about it, he's sort of marrying three 14-year-old girls who just happen to be grafted onto a 42-year-old's body. And even though that sounds gross, you have to admit that it's kind of hot too. Kind of really hot. And, okay, maybe a little gross. Actually, yeah, mostly just gross. I don't know what I was thinking.
