July 01, 2005
The Superficial News
• According to The Sun, Sharon Stone used body doubles during the sex scenes of Basic Instinct 2. Considering she's 48-years old, that's probably the best decision the director or the producer or whoever made that decision could have made. They should have just gone with my idea though, and replaced her entire character with a naked Jessica Alba. That, my friends, is just good movie making.
• Brooke Shields responds to Tom Cruise's wild and crazy antics with her personal story. I didn't get through it because I have the attention span of a four-year old, but I think she says something about something. Or another.
• Madonna hates Mariah Carey. Awesome.
• Rumors of Angelina Jolie being pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby are freaking out Jennifer Aniston. And the fact that they haven't denied the rumors probably isn't helping any either. You know what is helping though? That video I sent her of Brad and Angelina having sex in Cancun. I bet that really cheered her up.
• Charlotte Church is threatening to quit the music industry if her new pop direction fails. And I'm threatening to punch Charlotte Church in the face if she doesn't shut up. Nobody cares.
Mariah Carey takes advantage of the homeless
According to the JJB forums, the caption that goes with this picture is "Tuesday, June 28, 2005. Mariah Carey goes to dinner with some friends at Koi in Los Angeles, CA and later on poses with a homeless man in a wheelchair who didn't want to be photographed. She used him for attention and left without even giving him a handshake or money."
I'm not like close friends with Mariah Carey or anything, considering I kick her in the stomach everytime I see her, but this is so like her. At least the homeless guy got a good look at her breasts. It doesn't beat money or food or shelter, but it's probably the next best thing. If you can't buy stuff or eat or sleep in a warm place, I figure masturbating is the way to go.
[Image via JJB -- thanks Bo]
The Superficial News
• According to The Sun, Sharon Stone used body doubles during the sex scenes of Basic Instinct 2. Considering she's 48-years old, that's probably the best decision the director or the producer or whoever made that decision could have made. They should have just gone with my idea though, and replaced her entire character with a naked Jessica Alba. That, my friends, is just good cinema.
• Brooke Shields responds to Tom Cruise's wild and crazy antics with her personal story. I didn't get through it because I have the attention span of a four-year old, but I think she says something about something. Or another.
• Madonna hates Mariah Carey. Awesome.
• Rumors of Angelina Jolie being pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby are freaking out Jennifer Aniston. And the fact that they haven't denied the rumors probably isn't helping any either. You know what is helping though? That video I sent her of Brad and Angelina having sex in Cancun. I bet that really cheered her up.
• Charlotte Church is threatening to quit the music industry if her new pop direction fails. And I'm threatening to punch Charlotte Church in the face if she doesn't shut up. Nobody cares.
Jessica Alba is tougher than sharks
According to a report on Female First: “Jessica Alba punched a shark on the nose when it got too close to her while filming her new her new movie. The sexy actress was shooting underwater scenes in the Bahamas for upcoming film 'Into The Blue' when the deadly fish swam too close for comfort. So the 24-year-old star lashed out and managed to scare the shark away. She revealed: "I jabbed him on the nose and he swam off".
As someone with an advanced degree in marine biology - I also have a pipe and a tweed jacket, so listen up - it might not be the greatest idea to punch sharks in the nose, regardless of how hot you are. Cause, what if the shark wasn't even gonna bite you. He was just going for a swim. And then you punch him in the nose. And all of his buddies are watching. I mean, he pretty much has to bite you then, right?
June 30, 2005
Jennifer Affleck
From The National Enquirer: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben on a sandy beach on the Turks and Caicos island yesterday evening. … With the sun setting, her costar Victor Garber watched as Jen, 33, and Ben, 32, embraced and kissed. The couple flew to the paradise hideaway yesterday morning … It is understood the couple are leaving the luxury resort Parrot Cay, where they spent their first night as a married couple, later today or tomorrow."
Maybe I’m being too needy, but it would be nice if the National Enquirer would follow me around now and again. I’m at least as interesting as Ben Affleck, which is to say I’m as interesting as a plank of wood. A sexy plank of wood. You know, like Madagascar Rosewood or something hot like that. Maybe Maple Burl. Well, maybe not Maple Burl - I got a little carried away there - but you know, still pretty hot.
Domino Harvey found dead
From Female First UK: "Former supermodel-turned-bounty hunter DOMINO HARVEY was found dead in a bathtub in her West Hollywood home on Monday night. She was 35. (She) was facing a possible life jail sentence over drug charges filed last year (04) … Domino quit modeling 12 years ago (93) to capture fugitives and criminals who had jumped bail. Domino's life story has recently been the subject of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY's new movie DOMINO, which is scheduled to hit cinema screens … in August, although it may now be delayed to incorporate the former model's death into the storyline."
I’m sure Domino Harvey was delightful and there are people mourning her right now, so I’m just gonna make fun of the movie version of her, which always looked suspect. First of all, for a “supermodel”, it’s suspiciously hard to find pictures of her online. The only picture I could find is that one below, with her in those white Toughskin jeans. Good luck finding a husband in those. And she’s got legs like Ricky Williams, which you generally don’t find on models. The movie says it’s mostly based on a true story, but you could pretty much say that about anything. You could say the Huffalump Movie was based on a true story if you wanted, cause “once, there was this bear…”, and then just make up the rest. Not that a girl could never be a bounty hunter, it’s just that a girl could never be a bounty hunter. If I was dating a girl who claimed she was one, I would just nod politely and then give her a new mission: “hunt” me down a piece of pie. And a glass of milk. And then I’d smack her on the ass as a send off, cause girls like to be reminded who's in charge.
Telegraph UK has a more sobering account of Dominos life and the unbridled happiness that only a heroin addiction can bring.
June 29, 2005
Paris Hilton has monster engagement ring
I'm glad that Paris Hilton decided to go with a smaller more modest engagement ring. Considering how much money she has and her undeniable need for attention, she could have easily gone with some gigantic gaudy looking thing with a diamond bigger than my damn thumb. But she didn't. Because she's classy. And classy women know that having the biggest diamond in the world on your finger is just plain tacky. In other non-related news, I have to go snuggle up and cry now, because Paris Hilton is wearing a rock on her finger that's probably worth more than my house. And by house I mean apartment. And by apartment I mean sidewalk. And by sidewalk I mean garbage can next to sidewalk.
The Superficial News
• Lindsay Lohan recently collapsed at LA's Body and Soul gym during an hour-long workout on a bike and appeared unconscious. She was eventually brought around, but I guess this just goes to show you that being too skinny isn't really all it's "cracked" up to be. Hehe, get it? Because she snorts cocaine. I'm funny.
• The Star reports that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi want a baby. And considering Star reported it, you know it must be true. Those guys are really on top of their credible news. Especially that one story about Julia Roberts having a penis. Right on the money!
• In old news, Lindsay Lohan claims that she will never do a nude scene. No offense, but if I want to see a naked crack-addicted skeleton, I'll just walk down the street and ask my homeless friend George to show me the naked crack-addicted skeleton he keeps in his duffel bag.
• Leonardo DiCaprio is planning on opening an eco-hotel on an island he bought off the Belize coast. That's all fine and dandy, but how is it going to compete with my nature-destroyer-hotel which burns forests and eats animals and doesn't house any guests at all? Just give it up, Leonardo. Nature is mine!
Karrine Steffans is a slut
A report in this mornings Rush and Molloy column says that many of the leading names in Hollywood and Hip-Hop are anxiously waiting the release of a book by Karrine Steffans, a staple as a model in music videos for that past few years. The girl whose nickname is ‘Superhead’ gives details about her sexual encounters with some of the biggest names in entertainment. Some excerpts:
Shaquille O'Neal "was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.
I can't imagine how terrifying it must be in some giant mansion where no one can hear you scream while you're being chased around by a naked Shaq and his giant penis. That thing has gotta be like a tree limb falling on you.
After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him … felt like a privilege."
Fred Durst would fuck a beehive, so this girl might wanna reassess what she finds flattering.
Vin Diesel "was a beautiful man … blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."
I wrote ‘bleep’ cause the freakin article wrote ’bleep’. I assume it stands for “willingness to star in movies with ducks.”
After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average."
Ooohhh, 15 minutes! Good job Diddy. If he wrote a song about his sex with Karrine, I bet it would go like this: “15 minutes of love, uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s right, 15 minutes uh-huh, I’m talking about 15 minutes in the bed, that’s right, 15 minutes, you know what I mean, in the bed, makin love at night, that’s right…”
But anyway, if you're like me and have no idea who this girl is, you can find her home page here.
Paris Hilton probably isn't pregnant
Sure, it's probably just the wind blowing her dress up, but I prefer to believe that in the past week or so, Paris Hilton got totally knocked up and has gone through two trimesters of pregnancy. What with her sleeping with every other guy in New York, it would only make sense that the combined power of all that sperm would shoot her pregnancy into overdrive. And considering I have a PhD in pregnancy from Columbia Medical School, you can just go ahead and assume that everything I say is completely true and scientifically possible.
[Image via Forumer]
Tom Crusie is everywhere
Tom Cruise needs to make a movie every week, cause this page pretty much writes itself whenever he’s taken off his leash. He seems to get dumber by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Here’s just the stuff from yesterday.
Tom Cruise is “confused” by sex: “Wait … the vagina? Really? That doesn’t sound right. Why on earth would I put it there?”
Tom Cruise believes in aliens: tell you what Tom, when a big silver UFO lands on the White House lawn at noon on a Wednesday, and a big ramp opens up and a big dinosaur-lookin thing begins a speech with “People of Earth…”, I’ll start believing in aliens. As long as the only reports come from drunk rednecks and Mexicans filming lights in the sky when they live a mile from the airport, I’m remain cautiously pessimistic.
And then there is this story that came in yesterday from that little hottie Katherine in response to our Rob Thomas story. Hey isn’t Katie short for Katherine?
My good friend and acting coach's best friend was a long time assistant to Katie Couric, and being on the set of the Today Show brought in a LOT of information that she of course had monetary and contractual incentive not to share, but anyway, now she doesn't work for her, and she talks freely. According to her, Tom Cruise is a total homosexual slut, and the powers that be at the Scientology headquarters cover this up with relationships and whatnot in exchange for his unwavering loyalty to Scientology. ALSO, more substantial, is that John Travolta has the same deal with the Scientologists, that he's a homosexual, they have photographic evidence, and his entire relationship with Kelly Preston is a Scientology related scam.”
Note - as always (since Cruise loves to sue people) I need to point out that this story is based on conjecture and hearsay. For the record, the Superficial feels that Tom Cruise's heterosexuality is the stuff of legend. In fact, I heard a tribe in Africa has a song about him. Man that guy loves the kitty!
June 28, 2005
Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed
If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.
So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.
Sure, why not.
Eva Longoria scared of rapists
Eva Longoria is reportedly scared of the paparazzi because she gets paranoid that photographers hiding in bushes around her home will one day be replaced by rapists. Considering how incredibly hot Eva Longoria is, her paranoia is probably justified. I don't want to scare her or anything, but there are about 10 gazillion guys out there whose number one goal in life is to put their penis inside of her. And in case you didn't know, 10 gazillion is a lot.
The Superficial News
• In case you're wondering, Elle Macpherson is not seeing Colin Farrell. In other not news, Katie Holmes is not having three way sex with a donkey and Hulk Hogan. Or is she?
• Tom Cruise has begged Nicole Kidman to be a guest at his wedding to Katie Holmes, saying she must attend to set a good example for their kids. As if Tom being a complete lunatic isn't strong enough parenting on its own. Which it is, because having your dad jump around on Oprah and then denounce psychiatry as the work of the Devil is pretty much the best example a parent can set. I mean, next to murdering orphans and eating their internal organs that is, which is also pretty good parenting if you ask me.
• From the mouth of Ryan Seacrest: "I have always been a massive pop fan. That's not always the coolest thing for a guy to admit, and I definitely got teased for it. But I remember thinking Paula was hot. That's when I realized I liked girls." There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, but there's something 100% wrong with being Ryan Seacrest. It's like some strange paradox that nobody except wise Asian men living in the mountains will ever understand.
• On Monday, Paula Abdul urged California lawmakers to crack down on nail salon hygiene. Yeah, you wish I was making this crap up.
• A homemade sex tape that Eve made when she was 21 has started circulating the net. I don't want to give anything away, but the video features Eve's vagina, a dildo, and a man pleasuring himself in what I can only describe as an act of horrible disgustingness. I'm no expert on sex tapes, but there has to be a better angle to shoot from than straight up the vagina. See the incredibly NSFW video here.
Avril Lavigne is engaged
From Yahoo News: “Us Weekly says the 20-year-old [Avril Lavigne] is engaged to marry Deryck Whibley, the frontman for the punk-pop group Sum 41. [She] began dating the 25-year-old musician in early 2004. They had been friends for several years before that, the magazine said.”
Here are some pictures that might show the engagement ring Deryck gave Avril. He better just hope she never snuggles up to me like this, or my sexy bedroom eyes will force her to kiss me and she’ll immediately notice how much I taste like intrigue and danger. She’ll also probably notice that I don’t have any dumb ass random letters in the spelling of my name. No pointless Y’s or T’s or pictures of elephants. And if she marries me, her last name wont be Whibley, which makes him sound like he should be the Principal in a 1950’s comic book high school. Or maybe running the orphanage that me and my diverse group of friends have to save by winning the breakdancing competition.
Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?
I’ve been burned on stuff like this before, but I’m passing on this story from sexy reader Charlotte cause she says she's an entertainment reporter in Cape Town, so I’m guessing she’s pretty hot, and when we have our steamy affair, she'll insist I’m the best she’s ever had in that super sexy accent. She also included the words “swallow” and “tongue” in the email, and I’ll pretty much do whatever you say if you’re hot and throw around words drenched in sex like that. Here’s the report she says came in on the BANG Showbiz wire from the UK:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly expecting a child together. The beautiful actress, who has continually denied her high-profile fling with the handsome star after meeting on the set of 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' last year, is said to be three months pregnant. One source told America's New York Post journalist Braden Keil over the weekend: "She's just in her first trimester. Obviously, they're keeping everything very quiet."Meanwhile, Jolie's spokesperson has failed to return literally hundreds of phone calls and emails by reporters.
Last weekend, Brad was photographed playing 'Dad' to Angelina's adopted son Maddox. The Hollywood heavyweight, whose desire to start a family was one of the reasons his marriage to Jennifer Aniston broke up, was seen in a cornfield near Jolie's home, teaching the youngster to ride a motorbike. Despite the actress claiming in 2002 she preferred adopting when she and then-husband Billy Bob Thornton adopted her Cambodian son, now 3, friends say she would do anything for Brad. A source told America's Star magazine: "Angelina is very giving. If she thinks it will make Brad happy she probably won't hesitate."
I couldn’t seem to find any conformation on this, and when I ran a search on “BANG Showbiz” I just started to giggle and couldn’t finish, so just treat this as a rumor, unless it’s true, in which case just melt down my gold medal for journalism and send me a check.
Update - as seductive temptress Kristin points out, Fox News has now commented on this same report, as has Page Six.
Surprisingly, psychiatrists disagree with Tom Cruise
From Yahoo News: "It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the care they need," APA President Dr. Steven Sharfstein said in a statement. “Rigorous, published, peer-reviewed research clearly demonstrates that treatment (of mental illness) works," the APA statement said. "It is unfortunate that in the face of this remarkable scientific and clinical progress that a small number of individuals and groups persist in questioning its legitimacy."
My grandmother once walked in on me while I was having relations with a cardboard Lisa Dergan cutout with a hole punched in a certain spot and a can of Crisco strapped to the back, but that wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as Tom Cruise and his endless insane rambling about stuff he knows nothing about. Just to recap, Tom Cruise feels that spending 140 an hour to talk to a licensed psychiatrist who spent 6 years to get a doctrine in a universally recognized science is a sham, but spending 500 an hour to talk with an easily tricked dupe who got their training from another easily tricked dupe is the path to salvation. I’m not sure how happy I am with the idea of the person in charge of my mental health going home to their studio apartment and warming Chef Boyardee still in the can on a hot plate for dinner. Of course, Scientology does have the endorsement of Kirstie Alley, who said, “It’s not hocus pocus … if you can erase engrams, then you get better.” Cause I’ll be honest, if there’s a secret to mental and physical health, Kisrtie Alley seems to know it.
Note - that chart with the prices is from a Time Magazine cover story in 1991. So "auditing" cost 500 dollars an hour 15 years ago. According to my calculations … adjusted for inflation … factor in Scientology court costs … and their bail money … the new price per hour is a live human baby and your still beating heart.
Chris Tucker gets pulled over
My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains he’s been pulled over for this before. Does anyone actually mean it when they apologize to a cop? Why do people even bother to say crap like that. It’s like people who say “I’d love to help”. Those people never help. Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’d love to help … and here I go.”
June 27, 2005
King Kong trailer is online
The first trailer for Peter Jackson’s King Kong hit tonight and the best place to see it seems to be on Volkswagen.com. For some reason. But you can skip the ads and find the trailer right here. The film is due at Christmas and stars super F-able Naomi Watts, unfunny Hollywood funnyman Jack Black and Gargamel. He'll get those Smurfs yet, ha-ha! Wait … no … holy crap, that’s Adrian Brody. Jesus Christ that guy is ugly. Anyway, the trailer looks pretty great, especially the anger on Kong’s face in the very last frame, but I don’t think it would have killed them to make sure the T-Rex didn’t look exactly like the ones from Jurassic Park. It’s not like anyone can say definitively what dinosaurs looked like, so Christ, give him some roller skates or something. Maybe make him real queer and swishy. We haven’t seen that before. Or maybe put a upside down bowl of spaghetti on his head and give him a shirt that says “I Hate Mondays!” Cause that would be freakin adorable.
Paul Bettany on short list for Batman sequel
I’m really really cute. But I turned down the role of the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins, (I don't do television or comic book movies) so Paul Bettany seems like a pretty awesome second choice. And according to several outlets this morning, he is now atop a very short list that also includes Crispin Glover and Lachy Hulme. Bettany, also known as that son of a bitch attached to the penis inside Jennifer Connolly, is probably best known for his work in a bunch of movies I never saw and A Knights Tale. He was not, however, in A Knights Tail: Ye Olde Anal Adventure, which I mistakenly rented that time I was babysitting and meant to get An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. The movie was okay, but it seemed to freak the kids out a little. I suspect because those girls don’t appear to have been real Knights at all. I pretty much run the Renaissance Fair every spring, and the lances we rent from the costume shop are pretty clear that your not supposed to put them there.
Lindsay Lohan not about the drama
From IMDb: Lindsay Lohan strode past protestors at the opening of the first American De Beers store on Wednesday, despite the shouts of angry protestors. Representatives from advocacy group Survival International, who claim De Beers' diamond mining in Botswana has led to the evictions of Gana and Gwi bushmen, shouted "shame on you" and "cultural genocide" as celebrities arrived for the launch. When asked by reporters when she thought about the bushmen controversy, Lohan replied, "I don't get involved in any drama."
Lohan did not go on to ad, “I’m Lindsay fuckin Lohan you son of a bitch. Star of a little something called “Freaky Friday”. Gee, maybe you’ve heard of it. What? No, the remake. I don’t know, like 4 years ago. It had Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, she’s still alive. Or maybe she's not, the point is, what do I care if DeBeers has built it’s empire on blood and slavery and
thuggerey and robbing indigenous peoples of their land. If that’s the cost of getting me a shiny rock, hey, so be it. I don’t get involved with any drama. Unless it’s something really important, like where my life-changing song is placed in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I’m trying to heal this planet, and how can I do that if people have to wait 20 minutes to hear my crappy music.”
The Dukes of Hazzard movie will be released
I met up with Jessica Simpson this weekend, we talked for a while … long story short, I banged her. While I was getting dressed and explaining the she needs to flush her eyes with water or that stuff will just keep burning like that, she mentioned the post we had Friday about the preliminary injunction against Warner Brothers that effectively shut down all movement, including the release of, the Dukes of Hazard movie. Jess rinsed out her mouth and explained that Warner Brothers quickly reached a deal with producer Robert C. Clark - reportedly in the form of a fat 5 million - and the movie will be released on August 5 as planned.
