June 24, 2005
Tom Cruise passionate about life. Also crazy as hell.
Now officially dangerously insane Tom Cruise was on the Today Show this morning and what began as a typical media tongue kiss about War of the Worlds quickly ramped up into the greatest interview ever, with Cruise insisting time and time again that he knows things it’s been proven he doesn’t know, like during this exchange with Matt Lauer about Brooke Shields taking a prescription for post partum depression:
Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.Cruise: Matt, I'm - Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Crusie: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
Just to reiterate, no, he really really doesn’t. Later, the actor who failed high school and never went to college explained his depth of knowledge in regards to psychiatric medications:
Crusie: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Continue Reading "Tom Cruise passionate about life. Also crazy as hell."
The Dukes of Hazard movie will not be released
It might not the greatest idea in the world to get legal council from someone whose email starts with “SmoothB” (although Anton Scalia’s email is BadMuthaFukka19, so maybe I should) but worldly reader and local heartbreaker Tom sent in two stories yesterday in regards to an injunction that went down yesterday afternoon and will prevent Warner Brothers from releasing the feature version of The Dukes of Hazard, previously due out August 5th. The full public record can be found on the website for the Federal District Court for the Central District of California. The heart of the record says the following:
“Order by Judge Gary A. Feess: granting motion for preliminary injunction. WHEREFORE, IS IT HEREBY ORDERED that … Warner Brothers … (is) preliminarily enjoined during the pendencey of this action from preparing producing, editing, distributing, advertising, exploiting, copying, publishing, or licensing, for theatrical sequels based on or derived from the feature motion picture “Moonrunners”
Moonrunners is the 1975 movie that is credited as the premise for the Dukes of Hazard, and they were so similiar they both even featured Waylon Jennings as the narrator. I never saw that movie because I hadn’t been born yet and also because, based on a recent poll of my grandparents, I’m adorable and a precious angel and shouldn’t watch movies like that, although you’d never know it by reading my t-shirt with a kitten in sunglasses on it and the phrase “Here Comes Trouble!”.
Below is a screen cap of part of the Judges directive, which is worth reading just to see the phrase “Jessica Simpson is extremely hot right now” written down in a legal document to be recorded in the halls of justice forever. And thanks again to Tom who pretty much did all the work on this. Although it wouldn’t have killed him to write some funny jokes, unlike the crap I threw out here. Jeez, I don’t wanna throw around the word “lazy”, but…
Note - I do feel compelled to mention that The Dukes of Hazard website is still up, which would seem to violate the advertising portion of this injunction, so I can’t say for sure how serious this sort of thing is. It may happen all the damn time for all I know. I tried asking my life-size Torie Wilson cut-out about it, but she was all oiled up and only had one thing on her mind, baby.
The Superficial News
• Beyonce broke into tears this Wednesday when she was asked about the split of Destiny's Child on TRL. Boy, it sure is funny when girls cry. I guess that's why I walk up and down the street telling strangers that they're fat and smell like poo.
• Hermes has apologized to Oprah Winfrey for turning her away from one of its Paris boutiques last week, saying it was closed for a public relations event when she came knocking. Seems the power of the internet is also capable of making luxury stores lie through their teeth. Liars!
• Howard Stern is leaving the E! channel and will most likely end up on Spike TV. I think this is a pretty brilliant move, because Spike TV is awesome. They're always playing reruns of Maximum Exposure, and that fills me with happiness.
• Overseas reports are saying that Tom Cruise recently introduced Katie Holmes to his ex-girlfriend Penelope Cruz at a Scientology center. Upon meeting, they all removed their clothes and started washing each other in tomato sauce. Or at least that's what I like to pretend happens behind those crazy Scientology walls.
• Martha Stewart says she already has a catch phrase for her new reality show but won't reveal what it is. My guess is it's something like "I am Lucifer, I will eat your soul!" But that's just a guess.
Martha Stewart's Kathy Hiltons catchphrase is...
Robert (who I hear banged Carmen Electra) wrote in with what he swears is the new catchphrase for Martha Stewart and her reality show. Apparently everyone needs a catch phrase to boot off contestants and Martha’s is going to be, “You’re off the list.” I guess like a party list or something. It’s pretty dopey, but so is Martha, so this feels about right. If I don’t sound excited it’s cause I’m not. I hate these shows. Is it just me or do the winners never get the job they’re promised? I don’t see those Dream Job people on ESPN. I don’t see those Apprentice hacks running Trumps empire. So since it doesn’t seem to matter who wins, at the end of my show, I would just line up all the contestants and then back up some donkeys, and whoever gets kicked by a donkey first loses. And the catchphrase would be, “Holy Shit, I think that dude’s dead!”
update - okay, so it was quickly brought to my attention that the "off the list" phrase is from the Kathy Hilton show, I Want To Be A Hilton. Sorry about that. You'll please forgive me if I never bothered to watch that crap and didn’t know any better. And since it came in fourth place in it’s time slot, I probably didn’t even need to update this, since nobody else watched it either.
June 23, 2005
Where was Katie Holmes in April?
This story has been around for a few days now, but Fox has a pretty nice summary of the details and the timeline as it's known. The gist of it is that Katie Holmes, who has always been extremely close to her family and friends and always appeared devoted to her agent and manager, disappeared for 16 days in April. 16 days where no one knew where to find her, 16 days where she had no contact with anyone she had always been close too, 16 days that immediately proceeded her explosion on the public scene as the girlfriend of Tom Cruise and a new convert to the church of Scientology.
Some people might find it curious that things like this seem to keep happening to people immediately before pledging allegiance to Scientology. And that weirdness is a completely random event that seems to follow these people 100 percent of the time. But Katie Holmes insists on wearing hilariously high heels whenever she and Tom Cruise are in public, so there’s at least an once of resistance left in the girl. She does blink a lot however, and someone who knows morse code might want to look into that. I knew this dude who got duped by Scientology one day and ended up stuck in their center in Hollywood for like 10 hours. I totally meant to go save him, but then his girlfriend gave me a hand job and I got pretty sleepy.
I think his name is Baala Xenu now.
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together
Another shame inducing waste of time, brought to you today by the fine folks at IMDb: “Rumors Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn have surfaced again after the Hollywood stars were photographed hugging each other on the set of upcoming movie The Break Up. (Aniston) has been concentrating on her acting career since her split from Brad Pitt earlier this year - but pictures publishing in British newspapers show the co-stars touching each other in a way which suggests they are more than friends. In one snap published in the Daily Express Vaughn has both of his arms wrapped around Aniston, while she has both of her hands resting on his thigh.”
Here are those pictures the article mentions, and the noteworthy thing here is how big Celebrity Heartthrob Vince Vaughn looks. And I don’t mean fat (well, I kinda do) but he also looks taller than I remember. In the last picture, Aniston looks like she’s about to jump on his back like the end of that scene where Yoda decapitated those two Storm Troopers sent to kill him. Yoda’s fuckin cool!
Jessica Simpson on the cover of GQ
My awesome level of jingoism leads me to believe that this picture of Jessica Simpson with her long blond hair and stars and stripes bikini is quite possibly the greatest thing ever and for some reason re-convinces me that Black Hawk helicopters are effective diplomats and that nothing helps keep my gas prices low quite like a Tomahawk missile bearing down on a camel. It also reaffirms that Nick Lachey is on the clock, and has zero chance of holding on to this girl. But hold your head high Nick. Keep in mind, you’re Nick Lachey. You couldn’t even do a boy band right and you set your sights on Jessica Simpson. No one has over-reached like that since that time John Travolta came on to me while I was bartending in Santa Monica. Sorry dude, I liked Broken Arrow and all, but not enough that I’m gonna blow you.
June 22, 2005
The Superficial News
• Lindsay Lohan threw a tantrum at the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded because her song was played during the credits and not the race scene. Then she did a line of cocaine and gave oral sex to ten guys just for the heck of it. That girl is crazy.
• Scarlett Johansson dropped out of Mission Impossible III because Tom Cruise was trying to convert her to Scientology. Jokes on her though, because Scientology is totally credible and not full of crap at all.
• Leonardo DiCaprio is filing charges against the woman that hit him with a beer bottle last week. If it was me, I would have just had her set on fire. Them's the perks of being famous. You can have whoever you want set on fire and nobody cares!
Courtney Love is disgusting
These pictures of Courtney Love and Pam Anderson (Pam is the one on the right) at the premier of Rize showed up last night and it’s absolutely remarkable how bad Courtney looks. I know calling her ugly is kind of redundant, but a normal human body has the occasional right angle on it. And hers used too. Now she looks like Strong Sad - look at that hoof she has jammed into that poor shoe. I’ve never felt so much empathy for a shoe before. I have no empathy for her since she’s done this to herself, she has all the time and money in the world and yet she looks like one of those Water Weasels where one grab one end and squeeze and all the fluid inside balloons up on the other. At least she’ll never sneak up on anyone, since there’s probably a sloshing sound whenever she walks. And she’s clearly still on drugs cause there no way you can stand on a red carpet looking like this next to Pam Anderson looking like that and not wanna put a shotgun in your mouth. Which is kind of ironic, since it’s Courtney Love were talking about.
Cameron Diaz gets punched
From MSN: "Cameron Diaz was left stunned after she was punched in the face by a model who claimed the actress ruined her dress at a star-studded party … Furious Coralie Eicholtz, 23, attacked Cameron at Monte Carlo nightclub Jimmy's after saying the actress stood on her gown causing her to trip and fall."
Punching Cameron Diaz in the face has to be the most gratifying feeling in the world. And now that a precedent has been set, I’m gonna go buy a bunch of long flowing gowns and just kinda walk around where I think she might show up. So, if you guys wanna hang out or something, I'll be the real handsome guy walking around Malibu in a wedding gown with a ten foot train and a kendo stick. And if you look behind me and Cameron Diaz is walking up, cover your ears cause you're about to hear a loud snap. Followed by a bunch of crying.
note - If you can't tell by the thumbnail, this picture of Coralie is NSFW. Not by any great design of mine, but it seems that's all she does, pretty much. More pictures here.
June 21, 2005
I have no idea what to call this one
Never think for a second that famous Hollywood stars like Leo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire and David Blaine aren’t just like you or me. Why, I can’t count the number of times growing up when me and my buddies sat around in kimonos enjoying a Japanese tea service with our schlongs hanging out. Oh, wait, yes I can. Turns out it was zero.
To be fair, this picture may or may not be photoshopped. And if it is, I’m gonna guess Tobey Maguire is the one who did it. And not just for that one obvious reason, but also cause he’s kind of a fat lump, and here he looks like the trim gay porn star that his acting range suggests he should be. I know I haven’t been real clear about the hot penis action you're going to see in the very NSFW picture after the jump, but that’s only because I’ve been stabbing myself in the temple with an ice pick since seeing it, and I think I finally found the part of my brain that controls remembering horrific images. Oh, yeaahhh, that’s the spot.
Thanks to Daniel for sending this in. Wait, did I say “thanks”, I meant to say “I hate you.”
Sharon Stone approached by Playboy
According to a friend of Sharon Stone, Playboy has been approaching her to do another photoshoot before she turns fifty.
A friend of the actress said: "Sharon's sizzling and Playboy noticed. And she has been asked to pose again before she hits the big 5-0." The details have yet to be worked out, but if Stone accepts she will flaunt her curves in a tropical location.
Unfortunately, I don't think anybody is interested in seeing Sharon Stone naked in Playboy. Not that she doesn't look decent for a 47-year old, it's just that I can't imagine there's a very big market for leather-skinned ice queens out there, although I've been wrong about this sort of thing before. Actually no, no I haven't. I've never been wrong. About anything. Ever. And I'm awesomely good looking, so I guess everything really worked out for me. Except for this damn penis. It's just too big.
Ben Affleck doesn't care
If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.
June 20, 2005
Jennifer Lopez is demanding and clueless
I haven’t killed that many people, maybe 8 or 9. And technically I guess they weren’t really “people”. A biologist might label them as “teddy bears”, but I totally beat the crap out of them is my point. Blood - or “stuffing” - was everywhere once my hissyfit vengeance was finished, so let this be a lesson to Jennifer Lopez, cause I’m really getting tired of her crap. Just like I did with Paddington.
Her latest insanity, courtesy of IMDb:
Jennifer Lopez is so unhappy with her accommodation and on set trailer while filming Bordertown, she has demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa. (Lopez) is starring in the low budget movie shooting in Mexico as a favor to (Selena) director Gregory Nava … but she still demands to live in luxury … "She doesn't realize this is an independent movie - as in no studio is attached - and there is no one to pay her outrageous bills." And her superstar requirements don't stop there - Lopez is determined her hairdressers $10,000-a-day charge be taken out of Bordertown's budget … The source continues, "The shit is going to hit the fan when she is told no one can pay for (her hairdresser) … (Co-star) Antonio Banderas isn't asking for anything, but she is!"
I’m going to do every producer in Hollywood a favor and point out that JLo has been in 18 movies and not one has cracked 100 million, so there’s absolutely no reason to put up with her idiot behavior and confusing arrogance. And if you do, you deserve what you get, which is disappointing box-office and unending demands. I guess this guy liked her cause she did a good Selena impression, but how hard is that considering no one knows who the hell Selena was. I do a good Selena impression too. But to be honest, once I dug up her grave, the rest was pretty easy.
The French are racist
From Page Six:
Don’t expect Oprah Winfrey to accessorize with Hermes bags any time soon. Spies in Paris report that, in a stunning display of ignorance … the Hermes store in (Paris) refused entry to the talk show queen. "Oprah didn't have her hair done," says a source. "When she tried the door, they refused her entry because they have been 'having a problem with North Africans' lately…'“
Quite frankly I could give a damn less if anyone is mean to Oprah Winfrey. And without her hair and makeup team and their blood-of-a-black-cat sorcery, she looks like a drag queen who should be doing “I Will Survive” in a dank karaoke bar somewhere, so Hermes is forgiven for not recognizing her, but the French can kiss my ass ever since 1986 when they wouldn’t let the United States use their air space to bomb Libya, so this is as good as chance as any to point out that they’re awful awful people.
Tom Cruise is an easy mark
While Cruise was giving an on-the-spot interview at the "War of the Worlds" premiere in London, he was squirted in the face with water. The water came from what appeared to be a microphone. Four men who were part of a freelance camera crew were arrested. They could face assault charges"
Spraying Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone ranks pretty low on my previously uninvented list of all time red-carpet pranks. In fact I don’t think I’d even rank in on my list of all time red-carpet pranks against goofy midget Scientologists. It doesn’t take a whole lot of thought, and Tom Cruise is pretty much the nicest guy in the world, so you know he’s not gonna do anything. And maybe you didn’t think of the part where you had to explain to your new cellmates that you're doing time for spraying water on somebody when they didn’t expect it. Or maybe you can’t get enough forced sodomy and this was your plan all along. Anyway, if you want to dazzle me with the red carpet water prank, try that crap with Russell Crowe or the Rock. And when you wake up six months later in a body cast and you can’t reach the morphine drip you so desperately need, just know that you’ve earned my respect. And that I’ve been bangin your girl.
Watch the video here.
Ben Affleck enjoys his scrotum
So apparently Ben Affleck likes to show off his nuts to random people. Christina Applegate says that while she was working on Surviving Christmas last year, Ben deliberately showed her his testicles while shooting a scene.
"They were doing a shot of a briefcase and Ben put his stuff on the case. It was gross."
And apparently Ben Affleck doesn't just show his testicles to women either, since he would actually rest his scrotum on the back of Kevin Smith's neck during breaks on the set of Jersey Girl. I used to think Ben Affleck was an untalented idiot, but anybody who goes around teabagging their directors and showing off their testicles to coworkers is okay with me. Although I must admit, the thought of Ben Affleck's scrotum touching my neck scares me more than vampires do. And vampires are pretty damn scary.
