June 10, 2005
Jessica Simpson in These Boots Are Made For Walkin music video
You know what the difference between a mantis woman like Paris Hilton and a real woman like Jessica Simpson is? When Paris Hilton gets in a bikini and washes a car, people start throwing hissy fits and complaining that she's a whore. When Jessica Simpson gets in a bikini and washes a car, people don't have enough time to complain because they've already orgasmed like eight times. No wait, better make that nine. Uh...ten. Good lord.
Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson's music video for These Boots Are Made For Walkin. I'd say more, but that would only get in the way of you and a video so hot it made me orgasm twenty-seven times in three minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and die.
Adam Brody is cheap and can’t tell a story
My first commercial was for a medication grade acne [treatment]," The OC star revealed this week. "They had to put me in like two hours of make-up … I've never seen it, but my friends have seen it. They did a 'before' and 'after' in the commercial and I started out with a lot of acne. And then they go to 'after' and I was like, 'Well at least the audience will know that I really don't have huge boils on my face because we'll clean it off.' And they were like, 'Well, actually not so, buddy, because you'd have tons of acne scars.' So then I hug my mom and I'm all like pock-marked. That's in existence somewhere and $100 to whoever finds it! I've never seen it."
I read that four times - mostly because I can barely read - but also because I got worried, because Adam Brody tells stories like he’s undercover and trying to work in a code word so the FBI knows that the deal has gone bad and it's time to send in his backup. So, like, has anyone heard? Is he okay? Cause I’m totally gonna bang Rachel Bilson if he‘s dead.
Brad Pitt doesn't recognize Lindsay Lohan
During the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan ran up to talk to Brad Pitt while he was signing autographs and he didn't recognize her. Unfortunately, his publicist told him who she was before he could bust out any anti-stalker ass kicking.
"I just ran up to Brad Pitt like a stalker," Lohan says in the Wednesday, June 8 interview with "Access Hollywood." "I said, 'I just have to introduce myself.'He didn't know who I was, and [then] he was like, 'Ohhh.'
This would have been funnier if he had punched her in the face and then peed on her, but I guess not knowing who she is is as good as it's going to get. I don't know why, but I'm always hoping that one day a celebrity will pee on somebody just because they think they can get away with it. I'm going to be so happy when that day comes.
Continue Reading "Brad Pitt doesn't recognize Lindsay Lohan"
June 09, 2005
Tom Cruise recreates Oprah insanity
Tom Cruise poked fun at himself last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno by recreating his insane appearance on Oprah. I didn't catch it because I don't watch crap, but seeing him jump on couches and do more arm pumping action might have made Jay Leno bearable for my eyes. Actually no, there's nothing in the world that could make me stand Jay Leno. Unless it was some TV special where Conan O'Brien was beating him to death with an alligator. I think I could muster up the courage to watch that.
Tom Cruise is happy. And easily tricked.
In an interview now online on Entertainment Weekly, Tom Cruise addresses some of his insane tendencies of late, including flopping around on Oprah, taking shots out of nowhere on Brooke Shields and his ramped up commitment to Scientology, the only thing that can save the lost souls here on Teegeeack, or what you humans call “Earth.” Before anyone is too hard on Tom, just remember that his body is inhabited by the wandering souls of fried space aliens. So that sucks. And laugh if you want, but once Xenu is freed from his electronic mountain trap and order is restored to the Galactic Confederation, (an alliance of 76 planets founded 95 million years ago) you’re gonna feel pretty silly. No offense all of you who don't believe in Xenu, but you're kinda makin an ass out of yourself.
Thanks to Christie for the Scientology link. And here’s another thanks to sex-kitten reader Jenny.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie play house
Another picture today from that W magazine 60 page photo shoot where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie see how quickly they can force a gun into Jennifer Aniston's mouth. Honest to God, they might as well bang each other on Aniston's car or dig up her childhood pets and bury them upside down.
All credit here to Frank from over on voics.
Hollywood is filled with whores
According to a guy I’ve never heard of who produces movies I’ve never seen, “There really is a ‘casting couch’ in the movie business, according to Chris Hanley … "Almost every leading actress in all of my 24 films has slept with a director or a producer or a leading actor to get the part that launched her career," said Hanley. His leading ladies have included Kirsten Dunst, Scarlett Johanssen, Brooke Shields, Christina Ricci and Kathleen Turner."
This story, courtesy of the New York Post, has Scarlet Johansson on the list, but I’ll be dammed if I can see a film they made together. If there is one, it’s not listed on IMDB. I do find it horrifying that he would infer that he possibly had sex with Kirsten Dunst. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever had my penis in a bear trap, but the idea is a hell of a lot more appealing that my penis in a troll like Kirsten. At least I could put some lipstick on the bear trap and kinda make it look like a human girl. Good luck doing that with Kirsten Dunst. Seriously, If I had to choose between sex with Kirsten Dunst or sex with a dead Filipino boy, I would at least find out what the kid died of.
June 08, 2005
Jennifer Lopez is engaged
According to In Touch Weekly Marc Anthony formally proposed to Jennifer Lopez for their first wedding anniversary and bought her an 8.5 carat engagement ring estimated to cost about $1 million. Yes that's right, a year after being married Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are now engaged. Oh, the madness.
“It sounds a little odd, but Marc and Jennifer were never really engaged — they just got married. So, to mark their first anniversary, Marc officially proposed, this time presenting Jennifer with an engagement ring from exclusive jeweler-to-the-stars Neil Lane.”
I guess when you've been married as many times as Jennifer, you like to mix it up a bit just to keep things exciting. Like getting married before the proprosal or taking a crap on your fiance. Personally, I prefer not to take a crap on the people I love. But that's just me. I'm weird like that.
Thanks to Mina for the tip.
VIDEO: Paris Hilton flashes on European TV
What in the name of Shamu's butthole is wrong with Paris Hilton? I realize she officially crossed over into living pornography way back when, but I didn't know just how literal that description was. Is it possible for this woman to be in front of a camera and not be naked? I don't know the full story behind this video clip, but it features Paris Hilton exposing her breasts for no apparent reason other than that she's insane. And maybe high. Fortunately for her, the clip aired over in Europe where being naked and high is a way of life. Speaking of which, how come I don't live in Europe? Must be because my penis is too big.
NSFW video clip after the jump.
Continue Reading "VIDEO: Paris Hilton flashes on European TV"
Tricia Helfer is really really naked
I only barely know who Tricia Helfer is - she might be the one in those sex tapes I have labeled “sex with Tricia Helfer” - so her getting bare ass naked was an awesome idea to get my attention. I do know she’s on that Battlestar Galactica show on Sci-Fi, so between her and Grace Park, I’m not sure why it isn’t the greatest show of all time. Cause I would think they would have a lot of giggly pillow fights and sexy bondage parties in space. I know I would. It’s space, man. No rules.
Wildly NSFW picture after the jump.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in W Magazine
If you ever wanted to see what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt would look like raising a family in the 1960’s, put down the pot now’s your chance. A 60 page photo shoot of the couple playing house will be published in W Magazine, on sale nationally June 24, June 10 in New York City. Far from hiding in the shadows with their new relationship, Pitt is reportedly so happy with the pictures he wants to have them exhibited in an art gallery in Los Angeles. And while that might be pretty cool, best of luck drawing more people then I did with my exhibition of me pointing at things in my bathroom.
All credit for the pics to the great pittcenter.com.
Brad Pitt on Primetime Live
Me and some of the supermodels watched the Brad Pitt interview on Primetime Live last night - the models wanted to see Brad, I wanted to see the African villagers and call the models fat - but they started to get un-horny when they saw the little kids, so I turned it off and gave them a Winnie the Pooh that giggles when you press his tummy. Luckily I overheard one of the caddies at my country club talking about it, and from what Guillermo said, it seems Pitt spent most of the night talking about Ethiopia, the heartbreaking level of poverty there and what he feels the Unites States government can do about it. Guillermo made some interesting points about oversimplifying complex problems and how government does nothing well or efficiently, charity being no exception. He said that private charities handle things like this more effectively 100 percent of the time, but Pitts heart seems to be in the right place and he deserves a great deal of credit for trading time with uncomfortable personal questions in exchange for shedding some light on Africa’s problems, at least according to the wise and thoughtful Guillermo. I had him fired and deported anyway of course. Maybe I overreacted, or maybe he shouldn’t talk during my backswing, its hard to say for sure, but I am gonna miss the guy. We’ve had some good times, Guillermo. I’m gonna miss you, bro.
To learn more about the ONE Campaigns efforts to end poverty in Africa click here. And the role of “Brad Pitt” is now being played by Jake Busey.
Lindsay Lohan loves cocaine. Allegedly.
It would be awesome if TVgasm had even a mildly more credible name, but I’m gonna pass on their claim about Lindsay Lohan and her dramatic weight loss none the less.
“TVgasm has learned from a source close to Lindsay Lohan that her shrinking, frail frame is not the result of an eating disorder, but of a coke addiction mixed will diet pill abuse … part of the Lohan elite agreed to give me some information on conditions of anonymity … “(her) partying is getting out of control,” the source reports. “She's gone from occasional coke use to a full on fiend; it's scary.”
Lindsay Lohan is either a coke freak or she’s been cursed by the Black Pearl. She’s an eighteen year old billionaire princess who for some inexplicable reason looks like she’s done two tours in ‘Nam. Maybe in a world of unicorn chariots and gumdrop rainbows there’s a completely rational explanation for how someone loses 50 pounds over the weekend that doesn’t involve amputation, but I'm pessimistic. If years of training with the Bolshoi Ballet taught me anything, it’s what girls look like when all they eat is cigarettes and cocaine. And, umm, it's exactly like this.
June 07, 2005
Tyson Beckford cuts face in car crash
Supermodel Tyson Beckford was sent to Jersey City Medical Center at 5am yesterday after getting cuts and bruises on his face from a mysterious car crash. I say "mysterious" only because the freaking article says mysterious, like there were ghosts at work or something. Which I hear there were. Ghosts. At work. Wait, did somebody say ghosts? I'm scared!
An inside source said, "He looked pretty badly beaten to me, but he was laughing about it. He didn't seem bothered about his face. He was more concerned about what had happened to his car."
Sadly, his car happens to be a 1986 Honda Accord. Okay maybe I made that up, but maybe I didn't. It's not like you know.
Lindsay Lohan has her chest reduced
In response to test audiences who felt that Lindsay Lohans chest in the upcoming Herbie: Fully Loaded was a little too full and supple and fun to look at, Disney technicians have spent over 1 million dollars to “digitally alter numerous scenes - especially those showing Lindsay jumping up and down at a motor racing track - reducing her breasts by two cup sizes and raising revealing necklines on her T-shirts.”
Way to go there Disney. Nice job freaking out Lindsey Lohan. I know this story just came out a few days ago, but I’m sure the process started a few weeks ago, about the same time Lindsay dyed her hair and stopped eating until her glorious rack shriveled up. The same rack you told her was evil and needed to be erased. Coincidence? Probably, but screw you anyway. “The park has a dress code,” my ass. If I’m more comfortable oiled up in sandles and a thong, how dare you judge me. And since when is a big gold medallion not considered a shirt?
Thanks to Christie over on the BWE blog, you can see Lindsay in the video for 'First', from the movie soundtrack. "Thanks" might not be the right word.
Britney Spears is having a baby girl
According to a report on MSNBC, Britney Spears is expecting a baby girl:
“The pregnant pop tart loaded up on designer infant clothes — all for girls — at Petit Tresor, one of Hollywood's chicest tot emporiums. ‘I don't think it was a present for someone else, she was buying a lot.’ The mom-to-be also stocked up on such accessories as blankets and bibs. A rep at the store confirmed Britney's shopping spree but declined to give details. ‘She was very private, and we respect that,’ said the rep. ‘And she was also very pleasant.’”
This kid would have a better chance being raised by hungry wolves, but if Britney and Kevin have to get one, thank God it’s gonna be a girl. They would have screwed up a boy or a girl, but at least a girl will act on her emotional emptiness by stripping in 18 years and four months. As opposed to them torturing a boy with their insane, spoiled antics, in which case he would be the one carjacking me in 15 years or approaching me in a truck stop bathroom and asking if I wanted to “party”.
Just a little reminder of what Kevin has done to this girl. And why you need to throw a rock at him if you see him before I do. But if you do see him, and he's rubbing his head as if he just got hit by a rock, it's cool, I found him.
June 06, 2005
Russel Crowe throws telephones at people
Russel Crowe was arrested in New York today for throwing a telephone at the concierge at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo. I don't know what the big deal is here. I mean Russel Crowe is a big important movie star and that concierge is just some stupid concierge. Obviously that gives Russel the right to start throwing telephones at his face whenever he feels like it. Heck, he probably should have just stabbed the guy for not properly licking his shoes.
"This arose because he was trying to get his wife on the phone in Australia," his attorney, Gerald Lefcourt, told reporters earlier outside the police precinct where Crowe was booked. "He was in his room. He couldn't get a line and there was a disagreement."
Paris Hilton is not that rich
A report from Radar Online is claiming that, “While the tabs typically gush about the Hiltons’ ‘$1 billion fortune,’ (they) have long scraped by on freebies and a modest trust fund. ‘The truth is, there are so many Hiltons out there that each one is due only a few million,’ a source close to the family says.” The unnamed source goes on to claim that “(Paris will) definitely get pregnant very quickly. It’ll guarantee her an income for life.”
It would be easy to call Paris Hilton a money hungry tramp. And fun too, so here I go: Paris Hilton is a money hungry tramp who has every advantage at her disposal and still only manages to look like a tarted up hussy. At best. At worst she looks like something from the valley in the 80‘s whose hair was stiff and sticky and not because of hair gel. And by “at worst” I mean “every day of her life”.
Tom Cruise is insane
Katie Holmes vagina must be like a magical box of wishes, cause Tom Cruise has lost his fuckin mind. I’m sure he could probably act more bat-shit crazy that he has been, but I’ll be dammed if I can think of how. A report this morning on Rush and Molloy says, among other things, that “The star recently gave an unprecedented six-hour tour of three of (Scientology’s) facilities to Details' writer Holly Millea. "I don't believe in hiding things," he told Millea. The "crash-course" included lectures and a gift-wrapped plaque containing Scientology's Code of Honor … (And when) shooting "War of the Worlds" with Steven Spielberg, Cruise went so far as to pitch a Scientology tent on the set, where well-groomed "volunteer ministers" in suits offered massages - called "assists" - to cast and crew. Cruise also opens up about self-reliance ("I don't discuss things with anybody else"), psychiatry ("it's a pseudo-science"), prescription medication ("any drug you put in your system is a poison") and reincarnation (at death, you leave your body and "go get another one").
Yikes. It's a good thing he doesn’t believe in psychiatry or go to psychiatrists, because if he did, the doctor would just sit there, patiently listening and nodding while drawing a picture of a baseball with a screw in it. Or maybe a cuckoo clock.
20th Century Fox hates you
AICN is finally confirming what has been rumored for a few days now, namely that talentless hack Brett Rattner has been brought on to replace Matthew Vauhgn as the director of X-Men 3. The X-Men films have never been what they should be, namely war in the streets and complete and utter spectacle, but they just became completely irrelevant and as cold as my dads hug. (“oh daddy, why wont you hug me, you hug the mail man.” *runs off crying*)
Okay, I’m back, and feeling no better about Brett Rattner. Lets be perfectly clear, the dude sucks and no one cares about any of his work. And that’s not an opinion. He stumbled into the Rush Hour movies and everything else has been completely unwatchable. I lost a bet one time and a buddy of mine got to hit me in the balls with a wiffle ball bat, and as painful and miserable as I knew it was going to be, I saw it all the way through. Keep that in mind when I tell you that I own After the Sunset on DVD and have started to watch it a dozen times, but have never had the high pain threshold needed to make it past the 30 minute mark.
Natalie Glebova is Miss Universe 2005
I meant to post this last week when it was actually relevant and timely, but I was too busy getting distracted by insanely hot pictures of Jessica Simpson in a bikini and Jessica Alba in a see through dress. And by distracted I mean masturbating. And by masturbating I mean masturbating furiously.
Anyways, Natalie Glebova of Canada was crowned Miss Universe 2005 last Tuesday. I didn't catch the show myself, but based purely on pictures I think Miss Puerto Rico would have been a better choice. For all I know she gave a speech supporting nuclear war and the eating of kittens, but considering how foxy she looks I really don't care. Not that Miss Canada isn't foxy herself, because she's also pretty damn foxy, but Miss Puerto Rico just seems that much foxier. And maybe, just maybe, if I say "foxy" three more times all the contestants will strip naked and get into a jacuzzi with me. Not that that hasn't already happened, but it'd be neat if it happened again. I'm so lonely...
Pictures of Miss Puerto Rico after the jump.
June 05, 2005
Jessica Alba has awesome taste
Hot girls make me so happy. So you can imagine the unbridled joy and near painful hard-on these picture of Jessica Alba in a see-thru dress taken Saturday at the MTV Movie Awards gives me. This dress is actually fairly dopey looking, unless you're turned on by Robin Hood, (and I heard you were. Perv) but the fact that it’s the sheerest fabric ever developed by the world's greatest fabric making people gets it a gold medal in whatever category that might be.
In non-masturbating news, I feel compelled to mention the pain it causes me that Dustin Hoffman won the MTV award for ‘Best Comedic Performance’. Dustin Hoffman is a lot of things (most of them weird) but funny isn’t one of them. Unless your idea of funny is something awkward and tragic like a birthday party pony collapsing and dying because the fat kid got on. Oh, uhh, never mind. I hadn’t pictured that until just now.
More pictures after the jump.
