April 01, 2005
Britney Spears loves to read
When not laying around looking more and more like the easiest target in dodge ball, Britney has gotten pretty good at ordering her servants to update her website with poorly worded tirades against the tabloids. What she’s not quite as good at is hiding the fact that she can’t stop reading the things for more than a day or two.
And yes, that’s the current issue of Star, with Britney on the cover. In fact, if you look at what she’s wearing on the cover and you look at what she’s wearing in these pics, it would appear that Star wrote the piece, went to press and published all before she was able to roll her fat ass out of that chair. I’ve seen turtles get off their back faster than this.
More of these pics here. All thanks to Jennifer for the link.
George Clooney loves pranks
I like George Clooney, but I gotta be honest with you, I’ve never gotten the whole April Fools Day practical joke thing. I’m not gonna devote two weeks of my life to plotting, planning and scheming for one joke when I can just stand here and say ten things just as funny and then move on. I got a life to lead, I'm not doin all that. But Clooney has had sex with Krista Allen and I haven’t, so who’s laughing now. Bastard.
Sin City scene you won't see
Sin City opens today and while you will see film nerds pretending that they’ve always been big fans of the comic book, what you wont see is Carla Gugino’s enormous rack. Because her topless scene was edited out. Despite the fact that a government study proved that people love Carla Gugino’s enormous rack. I don’t really know what the hell I’m talking about right now, but I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that it’s brilliant.
Carla has kinda become the new Jennifer Connelly. A surprisingly good actress who can’t get a job unless she takes her top off. Which is somehow okay and legal if you work in Hollywood. Oh, sure, but I make all the co-ed interns here wear a thong and roller skates and suddenly I’m a sexy sexist bastard.
Anyway, stills from Carla’s deleted scenes after the jump. Very obviously NSFW.
the Superficial News
The Superficial News is my favorite kind of post cause it looks like I’ve done something when all I’ve really done is post some links and pass on unfounded internet conjecture. Yea laziness!
James Bond 21- almost all recent reports have had Layer Cake star Daniel Craig and 'Nip/Tuck' star Julian McMahon as the final two names on the list to replace Pierce Brosnan in the upcoming remake of 'Casino Royale'. But in a rare showing of common sense in Hollywood, it now appears to be set for Clive Owen, and even he is beginning to hint as much.
And if you any doubt that Clive is the best choice, click here.
Wonder Woman - Completely unconfirmed internet reports have ‘Lost’ star Evangeline Lilly in the lead to play Wonder Woman in the full length feature. My penis and I heartily endorse this selection.
Fantastic Four - The ShoWest trailer for 'the Fantastic Four' is finally available in a variety of high-res formats. The effects look pretty damn good here, they hold up nicely under closer scrutiny, especially Things makeup and Torch’s ‘flame up.’ I am mildly worried that a 2 minute trailer has 4 different action scenes where people fall over the side of a building. Doesn’t fill me with a lot of confidence in regards to director Tim Story’s creativity. Last I checked, awareness of gravity doesn’t make you a filmmaker.
March 31, 2005
Heidi Klum gets fired
I’ve never really understood how Seal managed to get Heidi Klum on her back. She’s still pretty much getting it done at age 31, and he still pretty much looks like something out of Star Trek. Argue if you want about his music, but he’s not a handsome man. This kid on the way better cross his fingers cause he’s about to enter into a hell of a lottery. Things go right and he’s tall and tan with perfect cheek bones. Things go wrong and he comes out with hooves.
I still can't … guh … this really is the most perplexing couple on the planet. Something’s just not right about this. There’s monkey business going down here. I’m telling you, monkey business.
Image links thanks to and more of these pics on Gorilla Mask
Mischa Barton still can't dress
Mischa Barton's fashion choices are just getting to be ridiculous. What in God's name is this? The suit's ugly to begin with, but … are those bells? You don’t really need bells in the water unless you’re bait for a monster and you need the guys on the boat to know you’re being attacked. So all they really do is accentuate her hips, which isn’t the greatest idea in the world if you’re Mischa Barton. She’s adorable from the neck up, but her body isn’t exactly Hollywood perfect. Probably be good for a pioneer or something. Her double wide hips would make birthin her young'ns a snap and her lack of any breasts would make it easier to chop firewood and fight off wily Indian savages. But lounging around a Hollywood pool? I don’t know man. I don’t know.
March 30, 2005
Kevin Federline loves Vegas
Kevin Federline reportedly left his three month pregnant wife Britney Spears at her brother's apartment in Santa Monica last weekend and headed to Vegas with his buddies where he partied at club Pure in the company of a woman who called herself a "VIP Escort." According to a witness, at one point the "escort" was sitting on Kevin's lap and he was sliding his hands all over her. Another source says Kevin refused to answer Britney's phone calls all weekend and reportedly told his friends, "If I ever get a divorce, I want to move to Vegas." Heck, why wait for the divorce? Although it would be difficult to leave Britney's new pregnant-woman breasts behind. Women are just more bearable when they've got a huge rack. It's like a law of physics or something.
Ashlee Simpson is a blond. Or maybe not.
This post first went up about two weeks ago, and it’s been linked once or twice since, but today three different emails came in saying that these pics were actually old stills from when she was on 7th Heaven. Whatever the hell that is. My understanding was that those pictures were new. I asked my Kim Possible doll about it and she said I was right, but she always knows just what to say, so now I don’t know what to think. The Ashlee Simpson website hasn’t been updated in a about two months, and the most recently posted pictures I could find of her went online March 23, some as a brunette, some as a blond. But, look, whatever, the only point I was ever trying to make is that she looks better without that ink black hair that doesn’t look right with anything but a velvet cape and plastic vampire teeth.
Hillary Duff learns to surf
Hillary Duff pretty much has a normal human body, but even that is freakin me out a little. If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me - me personally - to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and coffee till your unhealthily skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.
I suppose it is kinda cute that she would try to learn to surf, knowing full well that every awkward thing she does is documented by those guys hiding in the trees. And it’s nice that she made the leap from lollipop surfer to wave surfer. Insane Billabong Odyssey stuff must be next week. But I only say that cause Hillary has always seemed nice enough - she seemed cute when she got Punk’d - so she gets the benefit of the doubt. If it were the record breakingly punchable Kirsten Dunst, I would ask you to hold on a minute and then an hour later there would be breaking news about the maiming of Kirsten Dunst. And then the world would elect me its king and there would be 7 days of bread and circuses. (oohh, someone’s got a history degree!)
Best Hillary pic ever after the jump.
Wilmer hooks up with Lindsay
I’m all man. I’m also adorable and a sucker for compliments, so I’m terrified that Wilmer Valderrama is going to come on to me, cause apparently the greased up bastard is irresistible. After running through Lindsay a first time, then Mandy Moore, then Eva Longoria, then a newly hot Ashlee Simpson, he got a late night phone call from a presumably drunk Lindsay Lohan, who I assume constantly smells like coconut. The conversation reportedly only took a few minutes, and since dignity, chastity and a negative test from the lab were never mentioned, that sounds about right.
I just hope he doesn’t treat me like some piece of meat. As a bigtime internet sex symbol, I get that all the time. Supermodels coming at me, saying please, can I give you oral sex, constantly pawing at my genitalia, objectifying me. All the while I'm trying to tell them that I have a personality, that I have a voice and a gentle heart, but all they want to do is put me in something slinky and watch me walk across the room. Damn these chiseled good looks! DAMN THEM TO HELL!
Backstreet Boys are back, yo
If theres one thing I know about trends in music, it's that they last forever. Taste never ever changes. And I can tell by the ladies when I walk down the street in my skin tight Jordache jeans and rising sun T-shirt. And it's why the new Backstreet Boys tour is such a solid idea. They’ve still got devoted freaks fans who do stuff like this. The first girl looks exactly as I would have guessed. Luckily the tour didn’t conflict with her Wicca ceremonies or shift at the Fashion Bug. I’ve never met the second girl, who looks relatively normal, but I promise you she’s 10 shades of crazy. And isn’t it great that Nick Carter can pretend to be a completely thankless jackass while taking pictures with the last few people on earth who give a fuck about him. What a great guy!
March 29, 2005
Ashton Kutcher wears stupid string bracelet
Test audiences apparently found the red Kabbalah string bracelet that Ashton Kutcher wears throughout Guess Who to be so annoying that the movie company had it digitally removed for $100,000. That's all good and well, but what was Ashton wearing the damn thing for in the first place? Last time I checked, actors didn't have a choice in their own wardrobe. What if Brad Pitt felt like wearing board shorts and a Hawaiian print shirt through the filming of Troy? Sure it might have made the movie more believable, but there's no place for that kind of independent thought by actors.
Angelina Joile is filler
I’m not even gonna pretend these pictures are newsworthy. They’re only going up because I refuse to stare at Chris Evans shirtless for the rest of the day when I click on here. And there’s no such thing as too much Angelina. She has a weird effect on people, especially girls. Like my insanely hot and depressingly talented friend Christie, one of many girls who are completely straight but would drown a puppy to get their hands on Angelina for an hour. But only for Angelina. Which is a very girly thing to do. No guy does that. No guy ever says, “Yeah, I’m no homo, but there’s just something about Gary, the way he bends over the engine block to cap the plugs on his GTO. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a piece of that.”
I could stare at these pictures all day. In fact … wait … is it still Friday? Why is it sunny out? Holy shit, where am I?
Some more random but worthwhile pics after the jump
Mariah Carey orders life size cake
Mariah Carey celebrated her 35th birthday Saturday night with a life-size $9,500 cake modeled after herself. Mariah ordered a 5'9" sponge cake filled with praline butter crème to be delivered to her exclusive party at the London nightclub Tantra, and it took 17 chefs from Harrod's to create. There's a joke to be made here about Mariah being fat, but honestly she's looking pretty good these days. Clearly she's still insane though.
the third Four is up
The double secret trailer for Fantastic Four, which previously was only seen at this years ShowWest event, finally hit the official site yesterday. But since the odds of anyone actually finding it and getting it to work are pretty damn random, I’ll spare you their cutesy tricks and directly link to it right here. I’m not sure if this one is any better or worse than the first two. It’s longer, and the ladies seem to like that, but it doesn’t have that cool Perfect Circle song, so that sucks. But it does have a very nice ‘flame up’ shot and the Thing growling out “It’s clobberin time,” which sent the nerds at ShoWest into a joyous rapture I didn’t quite share.
Chris Evans - who plays Johnny Storm - seems pretty damn cool, one of the more likable new actors. And the dude does his sit-ups, so you have to give him props for that. Jessica Alba looks pretty damn great here too, but I would have loved to have seen number two choice Rachel McAdams in the role. Of course my unhealthy crush on her is well documented.
And on a related update post thing, Thomas Haden Church is all but officially cast as Sandman in Spider Man 3, as correctly predicted right here last week with the eerie foresight that my blood of a black cat ceremony always provides.
Jennifer Lopez has disgusting problems
They don’t just hand out websites, you know. It's an awesome responsibility, especially to an award winning* journalist such as myself. So in keeping with that, here's an completely unconfirmed story from an anonymous e-mail. Sources simply don’t come more rock solid and above reproach than that.
"In honor of another (sad) season of Project Greenlight, I thought I'd share an old Bennifer story with you, probably one you haven't heard before.
When you work in TV Field Production (as I do) you encounter many interesting crew guys with many interesting stories. This year at the Sundance Film Festival, we had just wrapped an interview with David Schwimmer where he told a funny story about Sly Stallone leaving his wireless mic on while being 'attended to' in a bathroom on set, and the evil sound mixer who turned up his volume for all to hear.
March 28, 2005
Britney Spears finds summer job
Britney Spears reportedly wants to spend the summer working as a waitress at her dad Jamie's fast-food restaurant. She supposedly spent a day in the kitchen recently, learning how to make the chili and smoothies. A source says she wants to work there twice a week during the summer and wanted to design her own waitress uniform. In fact, they say Britney seemed more excited about what she was going to wear than learning about making the smoothies. Although I don't see why anybody in their right mind wouldn't be excited about making chili and smoothies. That stuff is uh...exciting.
Lindsay Lohan's grandmother sucks
The "New York Post" reports that Lindsay Lohan's grandmother, Marilyn, is trying to cash in on her famous granddaughter. "Michael isn't making any money in jail so his mother is now selling video and photos of Lindsay as a child," said a source. "It's disgusting." A rep for Lindsay confirms the story, saying, "Lindsay's grandmother has been nothing but unsupportive of Dina (Lohan's mother) and the children and [is] doing her son's dirty work." As annoying as she is, I just can't help but feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. When your dad and your grandmother are huge lameasses, I guess the only option you have in life is to become a huge whore.
Britney Spears is three months pregnant
Is Britney Spears officially pregnant? The answer is maybe. According to Star, she should have been officially pregnant over the weekend but I didn't hear any big announcements or anything so I'm assuming Star is just up to their wild and crazy hijinks again. And by hijinks, I mean they do more speculation than I do. And considering my source is a talking raccoon that meets me out back every Tuesday night, I'd say that means they're pretty damn unreliable. Not that anybody even cares about Britney Spears anymore or her new gigantic boobs.
