March 18, 2005
The Island is online
The trailer for the Island showed up today, a remake of a movie so bad it was even on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. But this looks much more promising and the script has been changed quite a bit. It stars the always stacked Scarlett Johansson, the always cool Michael Clarke Duncan and the always dignified Djimon Hounsou. And it’s directed by Michael Bay, who I think gets a bad rap, he can be great when he sticks to his strengths. I would have much rather seen him in charge of X-Men than the wildly overrated Bryan Singer. I’ve never seen fight scenes as boring as the ones in X-Men. Each good guy would pair up with a bad guy and go off into a room somewhere. Were they going to fight or play ‘five minutes in heaven’, it was hard to tell and by the end you still weren’t quite sure. I assure you Bay wouldn’t pull that crap. Bay would have banged a bunch of Playmates then blown some shit up. Where as Singer would snuggle with a bunch of boy-banders and then film a scene where people talked about their differences. And yes, I just made an inference.
Ashton and Demi's kids
The Star seems so confident in their ‘Ashton expecting’ story, they’ve used powerful Six Flags technology to try and determine what the child of Demi and Ashton would look like. According to the Star, their kids would be fed only marshmallows and bacon for the first three years. The boy is - I don’t know - mostly human looking. The girl seems kinda trampy already, even at negative seven months old. That can't be good. Although, the problem with most infants is they don’t co-ordinate, their jumpers clash with their lipstick they end up looking like tramped up little hussies. But not Demi and Ashtons kid. Not with million dollar earrings perfectly setting off her battery powered green contacts.
Christina Aguilera loses clothing line
Probably for the best, considering Christina Aguilera's strange taste in everything. Her clothing line would've probably been something along the lines of an eye patch and pirate hat. With a talking parrot. And treasure. Argggh! I'm a pirate!
And for no good reason, here's a gallery of Christina Aguilera looking terrible with black hair. Unfortunately for her, only Black people and Asians can pull off having black hair. White people just end up looking like goths which, unless you're an idiot, is a bad thing.
Ashton Kutcher still not pregnant
The Star is sticking to their story that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are expecting a baby despite Ashton's denial. They say Moore is eight weeks along and due in October and that she got the word on March 4 at the Women's Care of Beverly Hills clinic and immediately quit smoking. Demi's people say it's not true, but those are some pretty damn specific details for something that's not true. And because people didn't respond well to Brad Pitt in a dress, here's a picture of Ashton Kutcher's hairy nipple from Complex magazine. Sometimes I orgasm just thinking about all the hair on that nipple. Wait, did I say that out loud? Crap.
Johnny Knoxville is cool
It’s undeniably cool that a proud white-trash guy like Johnny Knoxville would leave a confused and scared princess like Lindsay Lohan alone on the curb in a town like New Orleans, where the odds were 50-50 that she’d be kidnapped and sold into slavery. Although, if she was, it would end up like some John Hughes movie where she's such a pain in the ass, the kidnappers end up paying a ransom to get rid of her. Hijinks would ensue and guys would get hit in the balls a lot. And in the end, we’d all learn a little about ourselves and a lot about love. Rated PG-13.
Denise Richards still pissed
Charlie Sheens not getting any closer to patching things up with wife Denise Richards. Reports have her banning him from their Malibu home and even from the delivery room when their second child arrives, probably in June. According to the New York Daily News, the reason for the spilt is that Sheen recently attended a party where the entrée was whores. Not to be confused with my parties, where the entrée is danger.
Based solely on history, conjecture and the expression of my dog while she eats my shoe, I’m gonna blame Charlie for all of this. Denise Richards has always seemed kinda perfect in a Madonna-whore complex kinda way, in that 'pretty girl with low self esteem' kinda way, like she would do anything - anything - for the guy she’s with. Girls like that will put up with a lot and Sheen still managed to F it up. Girls like that write magazines with questions like, “my boyfriend likes to set me on fire, should I break up with him or just get some fireproof clothes.” It’s not easy to drive off a girl like that. You have to wake up first thing in the morning and brainstorm about ways to push her away. And that’s kinda what I picture. Charlies dumb ass, his clumsy brow furrowed like a caveman smacking a rock with a stick. Cause, keep in mind, it’s Denise Richards.
March 17, 2005
Britanny Murphy not on cocaine
Brittany Murphy says she has never snorted cocaine before and that it isn't the reason she's gotten so skinny. She insists, "I have never tried it in my entire life. I've never seen it. I am also way too high-strung. I can't even take a Sudafed. Can you imagine? My God, I think my heart would explode!" Have you ever seen this girl in real life? I think she's serious about the heart exploding thing. She's like a really hyper version of that Taco Bell dog that everybody hates. Anyways, after her breakup with Ashton Kutcher and broken engagement to an industry big-wig, she says she's now dating a normal guy from Brooklyn which she met when he was hired to hang Christmas lights at her house. Although I'm not sure when hanging Christmas lights turned into a profession. That's a job I think I could see myself doing. Ya know, if I was an idiot.
Britney Spears says no to baby
Britney Spears has reportedly abandoned plans to have a baby right now because she's terrified the weight gain will ruin her sexy image. I guess nobody has told her that being a fat cow, looking like a hobo, and being seen with acne cream all over your face aren't exactly the sexiest things in the world either. In fact, the only way Britney Spears could get any less sexy would be if she turned into a bald man. And even then, it still might be a step up.
Wonder Woman is greenlit
Several outlets are reporting this morning that Wonder Woman is on the fast track to become a major motion picture under the eye of television vet Joss Whedon, creator of both ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and its spin-off ‘Angel’. Whedon is a great great writer, his dialogue is among the best you’ll find anywhere, but I have my doubts about a Wonder Woman movie.
Victoria's Secret Airport Commercial
I've never seen this Victoria's Secret commercial before so it's either really new or really old. Not that it matters, because supermodels taking off their clothes is pretty much timeless. And by timeless, I mean it's the greatest idea that humans have ever come up with. Even better than toilet paper. Video courtsey of Hedonistica.
March 16, 2005
Laci Petersons killer sentenced to death
On Christmas Eve, 2002, Scott Peterson sawed off the head of his pregnant wife Laci, set her in cement, then threw her and unborn son Connor in the San Francisco Bay. As it turns out, that’s illegal. You can’t do that. Not even in California. And today he was sentenced to death for the double-murder. As delightful as it would be to spend the next forty years watching Scott get passed around Pelican Bay - arguably the worst place on earth - Laci’s parents and family believe in the death penalty and wanted it in this case.
You can see the evidence file on Court TV’s website here.
Mario Vasquez asked to leave American Idol
In case you've been living under your bed for the past week like I have, you're probably aware that American Idol contestant Mario Vasquez chose to leave the show last Friday citing "personal reasons." Producers say they know the reason but they've ordered him not to say anything. Well according to two sources on the set of American Idol, the real reason Mario was asked to leave was because he was hitting on the girls of the show. Shocking! Or not, whatever. It still doesn't explain why he looks like Fez.
*Update: Turns out the real reason Mario had to leave was because he's already been featured on an album before, jeapordizing his amateur status. Thanks to sarahbelle for the link. And thanks to me for posting untrue gossip!
Jessica Alba is in GQ
There’s no way for this to come out the way I mean it, so I’m just gonna say it : I don’t like gay fashion photographers. Because they pull stuff like this with perfect women like Jessica Alba. I don't know, maybe it’s me, maybe the bunched up diaper look is the next big thing, but I'm betting against it. I’m not gonna lie to you, not all of my sexual conquests have been the stuff of legend, but I draw the line at incontinence. Mostly. It's really more of a guideline.
Pictures after the jump.
Ashlee Simpson is hot. Wait, what?
Ashlee - shut the hell up. Stop singing. Stop talking. Stop flopping around on stage. Just stop it. You’ve lost us, and you’re not gonna get us back anytime soon. You can still be rich and famous, but only if go with what’s working. And the blond hair is working. That unnatural jet black made you look like you should be reading Goth poetry in a magicians cape. I understand you wanted to stand apart from Jessica. Well, it worked. People like her, people hate you. Congratulations. So stick with the blond hair and just take pictures for a while. You can absolutely be rich and famous in America for no reason whatsoever, people do it all the time. I have no idea what Carmen Electra does, but I kinda know that I know who she is and she used to do something. Or maybe she's going to do something or maybe she does it now, I can’t remember exactly. It's like that time I got abducted and those aliens made me spread my healthy seed to their exotic yet sexy daughters to keep their planet alive. Is that how … yeah, yeah, that sounds right.
March 15, 2005
Leonardo DiCaprio practices his smile
Leonardo DiCaprio reveals that he spent hours practicing his losing smile for the Oscars because he knew he wasn’t going to win for Best Actor. Leo wasn't surprised that Jamie Foxx got the award but says, "I knew that cameras would be stuffed up my face so I had my response ready. Anyone who says they don't practice is a liar." I practice looking at porn when I'm alone. Does that count?
Ashton Kutcher says Demi Moore not pregnant
Responding to rumors that 42 year old Demi Moore is pregnant with his child, Ashton Kutcher said, quote, "Why am I the last person to know everything? If Demi is pregnant, she's certainly not showing yet. So, that would be news to me." Apparently the only way Ashton Kutcher would find out if he impregnated Demi Moore would be if she was showing. None of this communicating with your partner crap. If you don't look pregnant, you're not pregnant. A policy I've lived by all my life.
Britney Spears is awful
If life were at all fair, Britney Spears would be working boat shows and bachelor parties in a half-hearted attempt to pay for a home that has wheels and a car that doesn’t. But God has a pretty weird sense of humor, so Britney lives in a Malibu palace with infinitely more money than sense and a put upon staff that has to be wondering if Mexico really was that bad (hint - yes, yes it is). Venice Beach used to have this break dancing midget with no arms and legs, and as sad as that sounds, I’m pretty sure Britneys staff would happily trade places with him. You know the pop music world is insane up when Christina Aguilera is the only one who seems to make any sense. First she quietly gets engaged to her longtime boyfriend, then she takes a shot at all the idiots in music who put out clothing lines. And is it just me, or did her tits suddenly get huge?
Jesus, would you look at these two. Toothless hillbillies married to their pigs would point and laugh at these two. And then they would sodomize Kevin and eat that god-dammed dog. Hillbilly Power - Activate!
March 14, 2005
Lara Flynn Boyle is insane
While my cover is that of a powerful internet celebrity, I’m actually a sexy secret agent who goes around the globe fighting sexy terrorist threats to the United States. To keep America safe. And sexy. And that includes beautiful threats from the skies, so Lara Flynn Boyle better be happy she didn’t pull any crap like this while I was around, or the fat tramp would have been at the business end of a double-tap. The Superficial has been on-line since the early 1950’s, but no one anywhere has summed up the insufferable narcissism of actors better than her when she says, “My job is to entertain, and not to explain.” It’s always a solid idea to act unstable on a plane these days, and I heartily recommend it, but only an actor would consider running around naked to be part of the job, and then be completely aghast when someone had the nerve to question it. In any other field, you’d be beaten, not just fired, but dragged into the parking lot and beaten with those hilariously oversized Captain Caveman clubs.
Lindsay Lohan denies grope-fest with Bruce Willis
Lindsay Lohan's rep insists that Lindsay wasn't messing around with Bruce Willis as reported in "The New York Post" last Thursday. The rep says they were hanging out together at a party following the premiere of his new movie "Hostage", but they were not groping each other. Lindsay's rep also wants everyone to know that Lindsay's tattoo is on her lower back and not her right butt cheek, and that it says La Bella Vita (The Beautiful Life) and not La Bella Vista (The Beautiful View) as claimed by the person who supposedly watched Bruce's hands work her jeans down low enough to display the tattoo. I guess this means Lindsay Lohan isn't a whore anymore. Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Cameron Diaz falls down
Cameron Diaz was rushed to a hospital after she fell from a chest of drawers and knocked herself unconscious. She was reportedly standing on the furniture to reach the top of a wardrobe when she slipped and hit her head. Justin Timberlake found her passed out on the floor and bleeding badly from a head wound. Paramedics at the scene thought Cameron had broken her back and rushed her to the hospital, but she ended up being treated for a back strain and received 19 stitches in her head. I don't even know what I'd do if I found Cameron Diaz lying passed out and bleeding on my floor. The only thing that comes to mind right now is poking her with a stick. I mean that's what you're supposed to do with people that have passed out right? Poke them with sticks?
Denise Richards is available
Denise Richards has gotta be the greatest catch in the world right now. Like getting a dog from the pound. You can be the best thing that ever happened to her, and it aint even gonna take that much. I can’t say I’m thrilled about raising Charlie Sheens kids though. I’m hoping to sell at least one of them, probably the one on the way, cause, you know, how attached can Denise really be. And it’s Swiss boarding school for the other one. And please understand, I only have the best interest of the kids at heart. I plan on bangin their mom at least 20 hours a day, and no kid should see their mom defiled like my plan of attack calls for. She may have to get used to doing housework and cooking me breakfast while I’m having sex with her, but, c'mon, what new relationship doesn't have an adjustment period?
And for all the ladies wondering why we took so long to write the Denise Richards divorces Charlie Sheen story … (places index finger on your lips) … shhhhhh! … don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, baby.
Sharon Stone is topless
I have no idea what to write about these Sharon Stone topless pictures. I would call her a whore, but she seems to know that already. And she seems okay with it. I’m torn because she doesn’t really look that bad considering she’s 47, but she’s an insufferable bitch, so I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna say something nice about her. So, her tits and a story about her perpetual whoreing are here, and after the jump is something I wrote about her like two years ago for the Santas Little Helper.
Sheryl Crow is topless. What the hell...
Ummm … okay, I have no idea what to say about this one either. She doesn’t look too great, but it’s not like I spent a lot of time day-dreaming about Sheryl Crow topless, so I’m not really disappointed or anything. It’s like seeing a porcupine or something. You didn’t expect to see one, but hey, look, there’s one. And that's what it looks like.
Oh man, I have to write at least 200 words here, so uhhh, okay, what did you guys do this weekend? Anything cool? I went to see Hostage. That was pretty cool. And then I brought home this chick and the next morning I woke up with a bunch of new scratches on my chest. Actually they're cuts. And they're in the shape of a big pentagram. Is that bad? Does that mean anything?
Hey, what? Oh man, did you guys just say my name or are the voices in my head getting louder?
So hungry, so very very hungry…
