Christina Aguilera
There's no denying that Christina Aguilera can be hot, but her choice in appearance is usually questionable. When she's done up right and wearing the proper clothes, she can look like the tiny little hottie that she is. Unfortunately, she's usually allowed to take command of her own wardrobe, meaning she usually turns out all weird and ugly looking. I guess her current look is some sort of Marilyn Monroe / Gwen Stefani fusion, but it just doesn't look all that great. Maybe if she toned down the lipstick and got rid of that stupid fake mole. Seriously now, who does that? On the lameness scale, that's right up there with giving yourself a fake hickie with a vacuum cleaner.
Pamela Anderson
Even after two kids and a multitude of relationships to tattooed rockers, Pamela Anderson still manages the time to pose half naked for all her fans. At the ripe age of 37 you'd expect her breasts to start looking saggy and weird, but thanks to the magic of plastic surgery, they've somehow managed to hang on to their firmness. And without her oversized inflated grapefruit breasts, Pamela Anderson really wouldn't have anything in this world. Well, except for her kids and all, but those little buggers don't count. We're all about the boobs here.
Preview of Pamela Anderson's Official 2005 Calendar
The Superficial News
- British newcomer Keira Knightley has been voted the sexiest movie star of all time. The 19-year-old beat Hollywood beauties such as Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Lopez and Julia Roberts to the title She also pipped screen legends Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot. [Read]
- Newly-wedded couples usually opt to spend the first few weeks of their married life away from family and at some romantic place, but pop star Britney Spears and her hubby Kevin Federline are celebrating their honeymoon with Britney's mother Lynne in Kentwood, Louisiana. [Read]
- Film bosses have delayed the opening of movie epic Alexander — because the hero is too gay. Stud Colin Farrell plays the legendary commander, but insiders say studio execs want to cut some of his homosexual love scenes. [Read]
Paris Hilton
Awful Plastic Surgery has a little expose on Paris Hilton and her alleged awful plastic surgery. Although I don't think that Paris looks all that great (I'm not really into insects), I'm going to have to say that she does look better than she did before. Aside from the blue contacts, I can't really figure out what she had work on, but whatever it is it's an improvement. Then again, maybe it's just that hideous purple dress she's wearing in her 'before' pictures that's throwing me off. Ugly clothes has a way of doing that to me.
September 30, 2004
Teri Hatcher
Geez, I can't believe this is Teri Hatcher. She looks nothing like the way she looked on Lois & Clark which leads me to believe that she either embarked on some plastic surgery escapades, or that the ravages of time have finally taken their toll. Not that she's ugly or anything, it's just that she's looking more like a ghoul than I'm usually accustomed to in a woman. There's just something about her lips and her expression and her skin that makes me think she'll crawl out of my closet at night and eat my soul. Actually don't mind me, ever since that one time that Kirsten Dunst jumped out from beneath a bridge and tried to eat me I've always been a wee bit scared of female celebrities. Well except for the ones that look like Gisele Bundchen. That woman makes me wet myself.
Katie Holmes
What the heck happened to Katie Holmes? When she started off on Dawson's Creek she was this cute little fresh faced girl and then throughout the years she slowly started drooping, turning her face into a perpetual frown and her body into a perpetual...sag? I can see why people would find her to be attractive, but she's just too droopy for my tastes. I like my women firm, like ripe grapefruits or Brad Pitt's sweet ass. Wait, what? I mean uh...I love sexy women!
Alicia Keys
I couldn't decide before whether or not I thought Alicia Keys was actually pretty or just pretty because she was all glammed up. She definitely has a pretty face and a decent body, but I'm going to have to disagree with her hair on this one. And not just the curly mess on her head, but those little sprouts on her chest as well. I don't know about you, but I've always found chest hair on a woman to be a major turnoff. Maybe I'm just a sexy sexist pig, but I'm a firm believer that chest hair goes on the man and not the woman, and even then it's not really a good thing. At least she can like play the piano and stuff.
Michelle Trachtenberg
Remember in Eurotrip when Michelle got wasted on absinthe and started making out with her twin brother? That was good times, man. I guess when you're running out of ideas for a story, you can just throw in a little incest action and call it a day. Anyways, the only thing Eurotrip was missing (besides hardcore incestuous sex) was Michelle's nipples. Unfortunately for her, real life isn't as editable as film so here's a fun little glimpse of her nipple popping out. I never know whether to consider pictures like these nudity or not so I'll just throw in a 'nsfw' and let you decide for yourself.
The Superficial News
- Paris Hilton is reportedly the star of a second steamy homemade porn and drugs video. The blonde heiress...has now been caught getting down and dirty with ex-boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw. [Read]
- This is the chunky lesbian lover of glamorous Sex And The City star Cynthia Nixon. Red-haired Christine Marinoni is pictured for the first time wearing a man’s lumberjack-style checked shirt and a tank top. [Read]
- MTV reality stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are allegedly considering ending their marriage because the former 98 Degrees hunk is sick of her "dumb blonde" behavior. [Read] -- I smell bullshit
- Legendary ladies' man Jack Nicholson has set his sights on a new conquest - model Kate Moss. The smooth-talking 68-year-old actor is said to be smitten with the British beauty and is intent on taking things further, despite her tender age of 31. [Read]
September 29, 2004
Heather Locklear
I'm not even going to pretend I understand how Heather Locklear manages to look so good for her age. I would normally go with the typical "she's a vampire" hypothesis, but I've yet to see a vampire with hair as blonde and a face as beautiful as Heather's. Most vampires I come across look like really ugly versions of Angelina Jolie during her creepy years. Man, I'm so glad she got over that creepy phase and blossomed into her "I'm super fucking hot" phase. That phase kicks so much ass.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have just signed a 10-year distribution deal with Warner Home Video that will net them an immediate eight-figure advance. Blah blah blah they're rich, okay I don't care. What I'm more interested in are these giant sunglasses that have become the latest fashion trend amongst spoiled girls. As if Uggs weren't bad enough, who off and decided that wearing oversized novelty sunglasses would be cool? Those are the kinds of sunglasses that my four year old cousin wears, and that's because she's four years old and doesn't know anything. I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way "ugly" became the new "trendy." From trucker hats to Uggs to these new giant sunglasses, fashion is heading towards the look of crazy homeless people, and last time I checked, crazy homeless people were pretty damn low on the fashion scale.
Gisele Bundchen
According to The Sun, Gisele Bundchen has broken off her relationship of four years with Leonardo DiCaprio because she was "fed up waiting for Leo to [propose]." She's apparently left their LA home for New York and is now being helped consoled by her friend Josh Hartnett. I'd pretend to be sad for Leonardo, but really I'm just giddy at the idea that Gisele is now a single woman. My plan to woo her goes a little something like this: meet Gisele, ask her to marry me within the first 14 minutes or so, have lots and lots of sex with her. I figure that since she's on the rebound and is desperate to marry, she'll most likely fall for the first guy that asks her.
Britney Spears
According to London News, Britney Spears has reportedly told her friends that she is already pregnant with her new husband Kevin Federline. "Britney has told only her family and closest circle that she is pregnant, but now this has passed to the newspaper," femalefirst quoted a source as saying. The source went on to reveal that Britney is less than eight weeks pregnant, but she discovered that only recently, which is probably the reason behind the hurried 'surprise wedding'.
I am shocked and offended!
Dolly Parton
Country legend Dolly Parton is having her famous breasts reduced after suffering 30 years of excruciating back pain. Dolly had silicone implants in both her twenties and her thirties, but doctors have now told the 58 year old star that her enormous double-D breasts will have to be reduced to relieve the crippling pressure on her back and shoulders. It's always a sad time when a woman's giant hooters have to be reduced back to a normal and proportional size.
Fantastic Four
Normally I'd say 'enough with the comic book movies', but since Fantastic Four happens to feature Jessica Alba, I'll just keep my mouth shut and my eyes open. Although not as provocative as her role of a stripper in Sin City, I'm sure nobody will complain about the skin tight costume of the Invisible Woman. And if they do, I'm pretty sure I'd like to punch them in the face to shut them up. Unless of course, their complaint is that the skin tight costume isn't quite "thongy" enough, in which case maybe I can find an award to give them or something.
Read Article (with cast pictures)
Britney Spears
When I was Britney Spears' age, I can't even count the number of times I put on an alien mask with my friends and threw milkshakes at the paparazzi. Oh wait, yes I can. Zero. Looks like after her sham marriage with Kevin Federline was exposed, Britney decided to retaliate at the media with delicious dairy desserts. I'm sure it made sense at the time, but wasting milkshakes is never okay, especially if they're Cookies N' Cream flavored.
View Britney Spears Milkshake Photos
View Fake Wedding Documents
Jay Leno and Conan O' Brien
Jay Leno has officially announced his retirement from The Tonight Show and will step down in 2009. Sadly, this means we'll still have to endure 5 more years of the big chinned "comedian." On the bright side though, the comedy genius that is Conan O' Brien has been appointed his successor. I can't really put into words how much of a shmuck I think Leno is. His attempts at humor are always a disaster, he checks out every attractive guest he has (checks out as in looks them up and down and then proceeds to carry out the rest of the interview staring at their breasts), and he's constantly making inappropriate sexual remarks. Jay Leno is a 54 year old pervert who somehow scored a job where he can oggle celebrities on a daily basis and make disturbingly inappropriate advances on young female guests. He does own a Ford GT though, so I guess he's not all bad.
September 27, 2004
Britney Spears
People Magazine currently has a spread featuring Britney Spears and some exclusive photos from her wedding. Despite the concerns of whether or not Britney is even legally married, I guess the whole thing was a big enough hoopla that it doesn't even matter. Now if only I could figure out what exactly a 'hoopla' is I'll be set. Set to take over the world that is!
Man, it's way too early/late for me to be writing. My brain is the equivalent of cottage cheese right now.
Weekend Box Office
1. The Forgotten -- $22 million
I forgot to wear protection once and got a ton of supermodels pregnant. That's one of those nights I'd very much like to forget about. I don't know what any of this has to do with the movie, but supermodels get pregnant really easily. And believe you me, when they get pregnant they don't let you ever forget.
2. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow -- $6.74 million
Why is it that people with accents are so much more appealing to women? It's not fair, dammit.
3. Mr. 3000 -- $5 million
There's something about Bernie Mac's speech that makes everything he says about 8x funnier than it actually is. And considering what he says is funny to begin with, you can be damn sure that the end result is absolute gold.
4. First Daughter -- $4 million
I don't want to say that this movie looks like a piece of crap or anything, but seriously, it looks like a complete piece of crap. Katie Holmes is cute and all, but unless she's having some hardcore sex in the film, I'm really not interested.
5. Resident Evil: Apocalypse -- $4 million
Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is featured in the latest issue of GQ and has decided to address such pressing topics like the popularity of her breasts and the strange appeal that her boyfriend has to girls.
What are [people] trying to do by saying I'm 'baring it all?' Go pick on someone else. It's getting a little old. Like, I didn't get implants--deal with it!...I can be kind of negative, sometimes, with the whole boyfriend situation. I get very insecure. Just because there are a lot of girls who like [Fez].
If you couldn't tell, I smooshed two completely unrelated quotes into a single weird quote so that it would sound like Lindsay Lohan somehow associates her breasts with Fez from That 70's Show. And I know he has a real name, but to me he'll always be the funny-haired foreign kid who speaks with a strange accent and hangs out in Eric's basement.
Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton says "looks don't matter anymore" when it comes to her dating preferences. Hilton told Access Hollywood that in her search for Mr. Right, she'd rather have someone with a good heart. I guess after one boyfriend sells your sex tape and another beats you senseless, you start putting things in perspective. Then again, neither of her ex-boyfriends was remotely attractive, so it's hard to understand what either of them brought to the table. Just one of the many mysteries of rich socialite heiresses I suppose. Sort of like how they constantly manage to show up to random events and strike a pose. They must be witches!
