April 11, 2006
VIDEO: Paris Hilton sings to Hugh Hefner
Remember when I said Paris Hilton was so talented she makes Mozart look like horse shit? Well I meant every word of it. If this clip of her singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner for his 80th birthday is any indication, she may very well be the greatest singer of our generation. Or any generation for that matter. Add a few more "-eah's" in there and she could be the hottest tihng since The Beatles. Don't know what an "-eah" is? Watch the video after the jump and find out. I promise you won't be sorry.
You can check out more celebrity shout-outs at Hef's official site. Props to Best Week Ever for the find, and to Paris Hilton for being so hilariously awesome.
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Comments
1. Posted by maryaries on April 11, 2006 06:46 PM
I love the part where she forgets who she's singing to. Useless.
2. Posted by canadianeh-me on April 11, 2006 06:47 PM
if by talent you me foreign bacteria, i agree.
3. Posted by Gerald Tarrant on April 11, 2006 06:47 PM
Why does she sound like a whore when she sings?
Oh yeah. Because she is.
4. Posted by canadianeh-me on April 11, 2006 06:48 PM
if by talent you mean foreign bacteria, i concur
5. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 06:48 PM
Tim Curry lives! This cunt is disgusting. What was with the boiling caldron behind her? Was she poaching babies to eat later?
6. Posted by Chrystal03 on April 11, 2006 06:55 PM
She sounds like she is dropping mud....that was horrible!!!
7. Posted by MissAppropriated on April 11, 2006 06:58 PM
#5 Paris was told that boiling salt baths relieved some of the symptoms of vicious genital herpes.
8. Posted by Grphdesi23 on April 11, 2006 07:00 PM
Mother Teresa ....my ass.
9. Posted by Grphdesi23 on April 11, 2006 07:01 PM
It's is almost as classic as Star Jones getting hit by the football.
Almost.
10. Posted by Grphdesi23 on April 11, 2006 07:01 PM
Oh--#1. You got me laughing on the inside and out.
Hilarious.
11. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 07:05 PM
Missapprop... Got it. But how will they clean the tub after she uses it? Virgin blood?
12. Posted by Jacq on April 11, 2006 07:10 PM
What a dirty fucking slut. Where in the hell did they film that? Not quite sure what's smoking behind her, but if it's sulfuric acid she definitely needs to take a dip in it.
#1 - She didn't forget, she just probably lost interest. I think that's why Prez Bush pauses when he talks.
Where's the rest of the clip where she shoved the entire mic and the cord into her vagina and said "Peace out bitches!"? If she squatted over that banquette, I bet it'd go up there, too.
13. Posted by Evangelia on April 11, 2006 07:10 PM
she paused before she said "mr. hefner" because she wanted to say "mr. president" like marilyn. seriously, who the fuck does she think she is?
14. Posted by MissAppropriated on April 11, 2006 07:10 PM
Trotter ;-)
Sadly, no substance known to man can purify the tainted vessel post-Paris. It will have to be destroyed in a ritualistic ceremony under the waning moon by an exorcist. Nasty business.
15. Posted by Craig & "em" on April 11, 2006 07:20 PM
I suppose next we'll see Nicole "Bareback Mountain" Richie singing Happy Birthday to Larry Flynt.
"Happy Birthday Mr. Flynt! You're 65, but you act like you're 64 and you look like you're 63 and best of all...you're in a wheelchair...which makes it easier for me to blow you...and that's HOT!"
16. Posted by Bellisima on April 11, 2006 07:20 PM
Barf!! That smoke is coming from her vagina cuz it was flapping away to that snappy tune.
"Happy Buthday mistah...uh...uh...Mistah Skankmonger!!!"
17. Posted by Giggles on April 11, 2006 07:21 PM
Okay, this made me sign up and get an account.
This skank has had way more than her 15 minutes. She is the most blatant, shameless self-promoter I have ever seen. And there's no talent to back it up. Priceless.
I guess one doesn't need to have any smarts when one inherits millions of dollars. Too bad. If it weren't for her grandpa, she'd be the actual whore that she is instead of the virtual whore.
18. Posted by a concerned fan on April 11, 2006 07:27 PM
C'mon...show some pity for her. I mean, it's not like she's rich or anything.
19. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 07:28 PM
15 - lol - Nicole makes Paris look almost less like a whore and a bit more like a slut. Which has more STD's in the oven?
20. Posted by schadenfreude_is_sweet on April 11, 2006 07:35 PM
#17, me too! I also felt the need to sign up for an account to comment on this sorry piece of humanity. Speaking of which, UGGHHH!!! I love the part at the end where she has to think a little before she can come up with something flattering to say about Hef because he's such a dessicated lizard that even she, the Queen of Whores, can't-eah manage to spit out a man-pleasing comment. And unless her rancid nether regions count, I don't smell any talent.
21. Posted by KatieA978 on April 11, 2006 07:36 PM
Please.
Someone kill her already. My head hurts just looking at her, do I really have to LISTEN to her as well?
I think she might look up to Hugh as a role model, after all, he has 7 girlfriends, Paris is probably trying to emulate that feat by having 7 Greek billionaires looking for easy sex.
22. Posted by mamadough on April 11, 2006 07:37 PM
i honestly believe she has evolved into a new std. herpes parisimplex. i feel like i caught something just watching that clip. men! hide your penises (peni? plural for penis?) the end is near. im gonna go scrub now just to make sure im ok.
23. Posted by mamadough on April 11, 2006 07:38 PM
i honestly believe she has evolved into a new std. herpes parisimplex. i feel like i caught something just watching that clip. men! hide your penises (peni? plural for penis?) the end is near. im gonna go scrub now just to make sure im ok.
24. Posted by mamadough on April 11, 2006 07:39 PM
sorry, stupid superficial program-commenting thingy bob
25. Posted by Sol on April 11, 2006 07:41 PM
LOL!
Lawd have mercy!
I have to thank you for that vid. It's made my week!
There are not enough 'production' tricks, tips or techniques in-the-world to help her supposed album sound anything other awful.
I think I'd rather listen to the sound of rending metal. No, really.
26. Posted by yensid on April 11, 2006 07:43 PM
Oh her momma must be so proud. She didn't raise no fool. Oh, wait a minute...yes she did. Momma don't care. Girl is singing for Grampa in her britches...go Beverly Hillbilly, go! sniff sniff. Touching.
27. Posted by chilichz on April 11, 2006 07:44 PM
I've heard better sounds come out of my ass after eating Taco Bell versus hearing Skankis (Paris) Hilton sing. She looked all strung out on crack (or the peroxide from her hair extenstions) and thought that microphone was her dildoe since no HEALTHY man in his right mind would touch her mangina! William Hung sings better than that whore! I don't hate her cuz she's rich...she just annoys the f*** outta me for some reason!
28. Posted by krisdylee on April 11, 2006 07:46 PM
paris hilton loves the cock
29. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 07:50 PM
If Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise were in a room with only one cock to chow, who would win?
30. Posted by Gerald Tarrant on April 11, 2006 08:00 PM
Tom Cruise is never alone.
Hail Xenu.
31. Posted by Star Maker Machinery on April 11, 2006 08:02 PM
#29: Paris would win. I think Tom is more of a cornhole man. He's tossed more salad than Mrs. Dash.
32. Posted by pepper brooks on April 11, 2006 08:05 PM
Tom Cruise is hyper and vicious, like a rabid chihuahua, but Paris "oops-I-lost-the-hardee's-burger-you-know-where-again" Hilton most likely has well trained legions of crabs to join forces and do her bidding against the enemy.
If there is a God, they will revolt and devour them both.
Save the cock!
33. Posted by sid on April 11, 2006 08:05 PM
Damn thing won't play in my old Apple. Gimme Youtube :/
34. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 08:08 PM
#31 - I agree. She'd suck the whole guy into her VD Vortex before Tom could get his salad tongs out...
35. Posted by DuckBoy on April 11, 2006 08:10 PM
she sounds like Jessica Simpson
36. Posted by heifferzzz on April 11, 2006 08:13 PM
LOL #12: "She didn't forget, she just probably lost interest. I think that's why Prez Bush pauses when he talks"
haha #29, i say Tom Cruise, the force of Lord Xenu is with him, he is the chosen one! He has made a lifelong vow to love thy cock with all his heart & live as one with it till death do them apart where hence they will reunite in paradise...or wherever!
37. Posted by BarbadoSlim on April 11, 2006 08:19 PM
Is that a beer gut?
Jeeeeesus.
38. Posted by Kenton on April 11, 2006 08:25 PM
It's just a jump to the left.
And then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips.
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
All she needs now is a pearl necklace from me....
39. Posted by Kylara on April 11, 2006 08:27 PM
#33, you don't want to hear it that badly. No, really. I'm kind of sad that I've LOST my HEARING. I went blind over the rear view of the Britney Spears birthing monument, and now go my ears.
I do admire how she pointed the mike down towards the audience, as if expecting .. applause. Oh my. And yes, #17, I agree very much with that.
40. Posted by BigJim on April 11, 2006 08:32 PM
This chick is a total C U Next Tuesday.
I mean, a bitch with a capital "C".
Oh, what the hell, let's just call her a whore and leave it at that.
41. Posted by Malakite on April 11, 2006 08:43 PM
That was HORRIBLE.
Poor Heff. What a bad birthday greeting-type thing.
42. Posted by soapbox on April 11, 2006 08:44 PM
Move over Anna Nicole Smith! And Ritchie too!
-barf-
43. Posted by Pez_D_Spencer on April 11, 2006 08:52 PM
Shouldn't she have been singing something by The Police?
There's a little red sore on my crotch today.
It's twice as big as yesterday...
It's an open wound
And the pus won't stop...
44. Posted by tuben on April 11, 2006 08:52 PM
Hmm.... Where is my damned ice pick so I can try and gouge that caterwauling out of my brain.
45. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 08:59 PM
Pez-D, You're my hero? Shit, you've got it on today.
46. Posted by Mo on April 11, 2006 08:59 PM
Who wants to bet that Hef just turned off his hearing aids and took off his glasses?
47. Posted by Redeemer on April 11, 2006 09:03 PM
I'd hit it.
With a 5 year restraining order signed by my cock. Jebus, I'd rather cut off my sack with a rusty butter knife then listen to that again.
48. Posted by theyareidiots on April 11, 2006 09:13 PM
She looks fat.
I think she forgot the words to the song because she was confused about the strange "undergarments" she was forced to wear. Seeing as how she has not worn underwear her entire life, she did not understand that additional clothing could be worn on top of the strange boob and vagina covers she put on.
49. Posted by Jeremy1Esq on April 11, 2006 09:16 PM
she was there to have sex with Hef. The singing was just help get his blood flowing out of sheer terror
50. Posted by Pez_D_Spencer on April 11, 2006 09:18 PM
Also, shouldn't she be with her band: The Burning Sensations?
51. Posted by mamacita on April 11, 2006 09:19 PM
That was excruciating. Ya know, I always think it's not possible for me to hate her any more, but then she opens her mouth and proves me wrong EVERY TIME. And to think, this waste of space has more money than I could spend in 2 lifetimes. Fate is a merciless bitch.
52. Posted by TaiTai on April 11, 2006 09:20 PM
I don't know what you guys are talking about. She is totally just like Marilyn Monroe. If Marilyn Monroe was a crack whore.
53. Posted by dirtypiratehooker on April 11, 2006 09:21 PM
The smoke behind her is a study on her ghonosyphilherpeAIDS infested crotch. They were growing it in a pitri dish, and now it is burning the dish like acid. I find it exptremely sexy along with her voice. She'll bring a tear to your eye.
54. Posted by Radd on April 11, 2006 09:22 PM
Are we certain she has herpes? I mean syphalis is known to cause insanity, and she seems to just keep getting more and more bizarre.
55. Posted by Trotter on April 11, 2006 09:27 PM
OK. 53/54 you have got to learn to spell. Here's where to find all of Paris' "little friends":
www.cdc.gov/std/
56. Posted by lizzielizzie on April 11, 2006 09:27 PM
#31 ROFLMAO!
and uh....she seems to be growing a lil' paunch!
57. Posted by Italian Stallion on April 11, 2006 09:28 PM
Your 80, you act like your 20, you look like your 40, and when you fucked me you were 10,862. And for your Birthday I give you Herpes, enjoy, I love you Heph.......
58. Posted by Tracy on April 11, 2006 09:49 PM
That little performance made me feel all dirty... and not in a good way.
That microphone needs to be soaked in Lysol.
59. Posted by gammanormids on April 11, 2006 10:03 PM
I have to download the f... QT to watch it but it was worthy... HA HA HAHA HA HA HA!
When Jenna Jameson spoke, I thought, oh! another stupid whore. Then, Paris made her sound and look like someone normal who could put several words together and makes them sound as though they have sense.
Paris, dear! I think that's your real talent, darling! YOu make peopple sound and look smart!
(BTW, didn't she say she was too much for Playboy? WTF was she doing there?)
60. Posted by Drunk Blogger on April 11, 2006 10:22 PM
I had sex with Paris. No, seriously, I did. It was alright.
61. Posted by Drunk Blogger on April 11, 2006 10:23 PM
I can't believe how dumb she is.
62. Posted by zeds_deadbaby on April 11, 2006 10:26 PM
Herpes, the gift that KEEPS on giving. Enjoy it, Hef.
63. Posted by zeds_deadbaby on April 11, 2006 10:28 PM
Oh, and I wouldn't fuck her with one of those body condoms from Naked Gun.
64. Posted by chandrasloan on April 11, 2006 10:29 PM
i think hugh allowed paris to sing in public as a way to get back at her for not posing for playboy. and why is she singing in her panties.. is that the only way people will listen to her? marilyn monroe is definitely turning in her grave.
65. Posted by M on April 11, 2006 10:30 PM
I have nothing to say other than Italian Stallion you made me laugh.
Nice.
66. Posted by Pez_D_Spencer on April 11, 2006 10:39 PM
It's twisted that Paris won't pose for Playboy. Show the gash for free? Sure, no prob; quite literally ad nauseum. Get paid for it? No, that wouldn't be "classy".
Well, I guess rich society girls are expected to do volunteer work.....
67. Posted by LittleWatson on April 11, 2006 10:40 PM
Meanwhile, MeganHarris is downloading that performance to her Ipod.
68. Posted by flamarkel on April 11, 2006 10:42 PM
I'm channeling here, so please bear with me .... You all are so jealous! Paris is talented and beautiful. ... Thank God I got that voice out of my head. Only 1,472 to go.
69. Posted by auwon on April 11, 2006 10:48 PM
ouch...it hurts...to listen...
70. Posted by Meghann on April 11, 2006 10:59 PM
"I’ve always had a great voice. You either have it or you don’t. It’s something you’re born with. I’m a brand, a model, an artiste, an actress, a designer. I write books."
That's pretty much all I have to say. Wow. God-given talents, Paris, for sure.
71. Posted by KatieA978 on April 11, 2006 11:00 PM
My fanny farts are more in tune than that.
72. Posted by gogoboots on April 11, 2006 11:05 PM
Actually, do not (and fortuntely will not download) want to hear her sing. I imagine it's pretty terrible, like hearing Ashlee Simpson attempt to sing...
73. Posted by BarbadoSlim on April 11, 2006 11:17 PM
And meanwhile Tom Cruise is still hitting da' cock.
But seriously, I think is about time that Hefner takes his exit stage left. He stopped being cool sometime around November 1989, now he's just a creepy old guy...gross.
You know this to be true.
74. Posted by alexjanes on April 11, 2006 11:20 PM
I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure that video gave me the clap
75. Posted by mamacita on April 11, 2006 11:29 PM
@60 and 61
Hey. Your blog is funny. I hope you see that kid in the red car again and beat the crap out of him. If you do, give him a few extra kicks to the head just for me.
76. Posted by SaSsY on April 11, 2006 11:35 PM
The best moments were the silent ones, in where she forgets what's she actually doing. But that tends to happend when you're fucked up with cocain...
M.Monroe beats you, by far. Just trow yourself in the boiling water, c'mon... for me!
OMG i feel sick...
SASSY OUT!
77. Posted by DivaG81 on April 12, 2006 12:13 AM
Rich, famous, slut or mother theresa, one things is for sure - this bitch CAN'T SING....a studio might be able to fuss with it and diguise it enough as something passable for an album, but she better sure as shit Milli Vanilli it if she ever sings live again. She and Ashlee Simpson should put out an album of duets - the title could be like "whores who sound like dying cats"...market that, Joe Simpson.
78. Posted by DivaG81 on April 12, 2006 12:13 AM
Rich, famous, slut or mother theresa, one things is for sure - this bitch CAN'T SING....a studio might be able to fuss with it and diguise it enough as something passable for an album, but she better sure as shit Milli Vanilli it if she ever sings live again. She and Ashlee Simpson should put out an album of duets - the title could be like "whores who sound like dying cats"...market that, Joe Simpson.
79. Posted by zippynonuts on April 12, 2006 12:13 AM
ickyickyickyickyickyicky!!!!!! gravol anyone?
80. Posted by DivaG81 on April 12, 2006 12:14 AM
Rich, famous, slut or mother theresa, one things is for sure - this bitch CAN'T SING....a studio might be able to fuss with it and diguise it enough as something passable for an album, but she better sure as shit Milli Vanilli it if she ever sings live again. She and Ashlee Simpson should put out an album of duets - the title could be like "whores who sound like dying cats"...market that, Joe Simpson.
81. Posted by eastboundanddown on April 12, 2006 12:21 AM
To be honest the thing that's the most disturbing is a 20-something old woman telling an 80-year old man that "he's hot".
82. Posted by mommy_long_legs on April 12, 2006 12:38 AM
She just ruined the "happy birthday" song for me for all eternity. now I can never sing it again, because then I would have done something Paris Hilton did, and then I would have to kill myself.
83. Posted by mommy_long_legs on April 12, 2006 12:39 AM
p.s. I don't think it was very nice of her to make Hef's ears bleed for his birthday. with all her money, she really should've gotten him somthing better.
84. Posted by amjxray on April 12, 2006 12:42 AM
OMG....it's now official. Herpes not only rots your genitals, it rots your brain and apparently your voice.
85. Posted by lurkerx on April 12, 2006 12:50 AM
Some director needs to offer her a starring role in a movie about the woman who built the Grand Canyon.
All she needs to do for the audition is ride a burro across on the invisible bridge they built in her memory. Fade to black and huge friggin' sigh of collective relief.
She could suck the intelligence out of toast.
86. Posted by Rikki on April 12, 2006 12:50 AM
Man, that man is amazing.
I mean Hef, not Paris.
He has procured the ultimate life for himself where dumb billionaire blondes are falling all over themselves in their underwear to have sex with him.
Pretty cool.
87. Posted by cami_calzone on April 12, 2006 12:58 AM
Why doesn't she just die? She really thinks she has talent! If I could, I would slap her in the face. Because of her, some poor person out there with real talent does not get a chance. That record deal could have been to someone more deserving. Honestly, I just wish during one of her coke trips she mistakes a chainsaw for a dildo. I HATE PARIS HILTON!
88. Posted by ivri on April 12, 2006 01:18 AM
see, the thing is, I don't even mind useless celebrities. if they're attractive. Paris Hilton, however, doesn't fall into the category of useless celebs. who are attractive. AND GODDAMMIT, MY CHOIR TEACHER IN GRADE SCHOOL SMACKED MY FACE FOR TRYING TO SING AND I SOUNDED BETTER THAN THIS PRAYING MANTIS/WHORE/ETC.
89. Posted by Mob on April 12, 2006 01:22 AM
You know things like this will be a trainwreck and I still pressed play...I wish she had the sense to just stop.
90. Posted by Drunk Blogger on April 12, 2006 01:33 AM
Mamacita (#75) Thanks, I hope to get a chance to drag race him again, but this time run him off the road and watch him freak out because he wrecked his parent's car that he wasn't supposed to be driving.
91. Posted by ohlawd on April 12, 2006 01:34 AM
She reminds of Mother Teresa in the video. If mother Teresa ever took a break from her little missions to wear lingerie and a massive blonde wig while shaking her titties at an 80-yr.old perv.
92. Posted by Kfir on April 12, 2006 01:46 AM
lol Paris.
She likes geriatrics.
"Happy birthday to youuuwwwUHHH"
93. Posted by lilystar on April 12, 2006 01:49 AM
Marilyn was drunk when she sang Happy Birthday Mr. President. Yet she still managed to sound a million times better than this dumb bitch. Talented...no...slut...yes.
94. Posted by lilystar on April 12, 2006 01:49 AM
Marilyn was drunk when she sang Happy Birthday Mr. President. Yet she still managed to sound a million times better than this dumb bitch. Talented...no...slut...yes.
95. Posted by lilystar on April 12, 2006 01:51 AM
Gah I even went back and refreshed and it didn't show up. Sorry. >.<
96. Posted by BarryBonds on April 12, 2006 02:30 AM
I was waiting for the bumb in the wheel chair to roll his way into the shot and then for Paris to give him bad head.
97. Posted by lurkerx on April 12, 2006 02:42 AM
Well, at least she didn't queef it. Thank god for minor miracles. She ever starts using her cootch for a ventriloquist act, I'm officially going Amish.
Maybe I can drown my sorrows in candlelight after a hard day's labor. At least until the Simple Life shows up and has her use a foot pedal dildo made from ye olde butterchurn.
98. Posted by xAgonyxScenex on April 12, 2006 03:54 AM
ew
99. Posted by c1ndy on April 12, 2006 05:59 AM
I was embarassed to watch that.
100. Posted by Realist2006 on April 12, 2006 05:59 AM
Hmm, my first thought, when I watched this, was 'I hope the deluded person who thought that her single 'Screwed' was good has seen this'. Maybe now it will dawn on them that expensive recording studios can even make tone deaf, diseased skets sound almost in tune.
My second thought was 'My EARS...my EYES...my EARS...my EYES!! Where's the stop button?
She looks even uglier than she normally does and has a pot belly. Perhaps it's caused by gallons of fetid spunk that had been collecting in her huge rancid vagina until there was no more space, forcing it upwards to find another place to settle?
It's just a theory. It could just as easily be gallons of diseased spunk that got there by the more direct route of her swallowing it.
I say diseased spunk 'cos, quite frankly, what clean, healthy man would put his dick anywhere near that putrid snatch?
101. Posted by saltpeanuts on April 12, 2006 06:08 AM
Based on some of the comments previously on this site about her "deep" singing voice, I was fully expecting her to sound like Hulk Hogan or Vin Diesel, both of whom are infinitely more talented than Paris Hilton.
Just to get this out of my skull, I'm now compelled by God to go listen to some Death Metal so that I may hear true vocal talent and wash away the remnants of that horrid voice.
102. Posted by rrrrrr on April 12, 2006 06:23 AM
Awwww...someones really been studying her Britney & Christina CD's!
103. Posted by jennyjenjen on April 12, 2006 06:43 AM
God that was awful! Last nite I had to turn it off after the first happy b-day, I was cringing with embarassment for her.. but I was bored this morning..
104. Posted by CheekyChops on April 12, 2006 07:47 AM
::: sprays screen with Lysol ::::
105. Posted by gardeniagirl on April 12, 2006 07:55 AM
wow...7:55 am was a little early for me to watch the aspiring porn star bathed in what looks like Johnson's baby oil eah eah eah her way through happy birthday. it was like she was trying to cough up a hairball.
106. Posted by Kristen on April 12, 2006 08:37 AM
#23 you made my day
also did any one else notice that not only is she a STD ridden whore but she definitely developing a belly. She seems to be following Britney Spears' path. Guess no one told her that leads to extreme obesity and ugliness
107. Posted by viva_la_nat on April 12, 2006 08:43 AM
i'm going to cry. looking at that makes me feel ashamed to be human.....
108. Posted by Chamois on April 12, 2006 08:57 AM
Sweet merciful crap! That was horrible. She's even less talented than I thought if you can believe that.
109. Posted by LRonHubbaHubba on April 12, 2006 08:58 AM
How does my computer now smell like unwashed ass?
110. Posted by jon on April 12, 2006 09:05 AM
What is wrong with you people. She's slim, pretty (if you ignore the eyes) and most importantly, female.
I'm not arguing she's NO TALENT what so ever but I am with the fact you wouldn't sleep with her. Bag up and do it for your masculinity you bunch of whiney geeks.
111. Posted by booface on April 12, 2006 09:16 AM
#67
MeghanHarris is going to reinact this birthday serenade for her boyfriend.
112. Posted by prideofchucky on April 12, 2006 09:28 AM
"You're 80, you act like you're 20 .. you look 40"
But his boners are that of an 80 yr old... I guess that doesn't matter as long as the pills are handy.
113. Posted by Realist2006 on April 12, 2006 09:37 AM
#110, I can only assume you're already riddled with a number of STDs and don't mind another dose.
Here's a little info for ya (you seem to be lacking in information AND taste)
Condoms ARE NOT 100% protection.
If you don't believe me, slip one on and go crazy with as many Aids infected females as you can find.
Let me know how that works out for you, won't you?
114. Posted by NewGuy on April 12, 2006 09:44 AM
I gave her herpes.
I am a herpe.
115. Posted by oshkoshb-goshdammgosh on April 12, 2006 09:59 AM
Paris, you are twenty... three? You act like a twelve-year-old drunk, extacy-fed prostitute with down's syndrome. And you vagina smells like it's 16 years old - in dead fish years. Which are something like dog years but with much more stank. And you look like you're 50. Happy Birthday!
116. Posted by Robin27 on April 12, 2006 10:03 AM
LOL!!!!!!!! She is so goofy, that made me laugh!!!!
117. Posted by krisdylee on April 12, 2006 10:22 AM
apart from how sickening paris is, i am befuddled at why hugh hefner is such a draw... he is a doddering old man with a saggy ass and a set of dingly, dangly balls to match. YUCK!!!!
118. Posted by spatz on April 12, 2006 10:24 AM
#79 its very rare for me but i think i just literally laughed out loud. and that never happens. ye old butterchurn. teehee
119. Posted by spatz on April 12, 2006 10:25 AM
oooop! i'm dyslexic i meant 97!!!
120. Posted by playahater101 on April 12, 2006 11:02 AM
You know what really annoys me? You KNOW her album is going to do well. And it's not b/c of her singing abilities.
Are the only 2 descriptions she has for people "amazing" and "hot"?
121. Posted by speechless on April 12, 2006 11:10 AM
are you fucking serious?
122. Posted by jmd580 on April 12, 2006 11:13 AM
She is utterly rediculous! I'm totally digging the part where she almost forgot Hugh's name..lol
Did she think she was trying to be Marilyn Monroe but the naked version of her???
123. Posted by Leyna on April 12, 2006 11:18 AM
and this is our potential Mother Teresa?
I would be less offended if someone's ass got the roll rather than Paris disgracing Teresa's honour.
124. Posted by chiris on April 12, 2006 11:23 AM
Dis she afterwards had sex with that anciant man?
125. Posted by vavavoom on April 12, 2006 11:27 AM
This video must be part of her payment back to Satan for one of the three wishes he granted her. Pure evil.
126. Posted by ESQ on April 12, 2006 11:31 AM
Can't sing, made a complete ass of herself and she sucks...anything else new?
Doesn't this twat realize that Hef only wants her naked for his magazine? Selling that issue alone would make himm retire..
127. Posted by Libraesque on April 12, 2006 11:31 AM
I guess I've been living under a rock, what's all the herpe talk, shit talk, or fo' real???????? Seriously???
128. Posted by Moonmoth on April 12, 2006 11:32 AM
She SUCKS! That was terrible if you can even call it 'singing'! She acts as though every second is a photo op. She's disgusting. If this represents American 'talent' no wonder the world thinks Americans are fucking RETARDED!
129. Posted by Nimuë LaMer on April 12, 2006 11:43 AM
I dunno... i feel so....
filthy
:::shudder:::
#43 killed me!
130. Posted by Radd on April 12, 2006 11:55 AM
#55, I'm not gonna ask why you would be familiar with the government website for sexually transmitted diseases (instead of just suggesting www.dictionary.com), I'll just assume you have your own gang of "little friends" to deal with. Instead I just want to thank you for identifying yourself as an Internet grammer cop. Only Paris Hilton and a few other skank celebs rank lower than your kind on my list of the worlds most useless beings.
131. Posted by NewGuy on April 12, 2006 11:58 AM
ESQ You are a fucking idiot.
Everyone has already seen this walking sack of herpes naked 1000 times. Hugh Hefner and his old balls could not retire off of the revenue earned from being the 784th magazine to photograph Paris's pre-pubecent chest pimples...
I'd be more apt to buy a magazine with pictues of her doing something I have never seen her do before... lie in a library reading quietly to herself, or reading a newspaper... maybe writing the alphabet... IN CURSIVE!!!
I heard she gave Britney Spears's baby herpes.
132. Posted by booface on April 12, 2006 12:08 PM
I heard NewGuy gave Britney's baby herpes.
133. Posted by krisdylee on April 12, 2006 12:09 PM
I heard NewGuy loves the cock.
134. Posted by booface on April 12, 2006 12:11 PM
OK, that's it. I no longer think this Paris crap is funny. I just loathe her completely. Everything about her is twisted. Someone on this site said it best: when the world-wide boycott of this idiot begins, count me in.
135. Posted by itreallymatters on April 12, 2006 12:11 PM
Eww I feel dirty.
136. Posted by LittleWatson on April 12, 2006 12:14 PM
#127, the guy who got a restraining order against Paris supposedly did so because she was harassing him. She was harassing him because he told her current boyfriend that she gave him herpes, and the boyfriend (Stavros? not sure) told the guy that he was aware that she had herpes. This was admitted into evidence in court when the guy asked for the restraining order.
137. Posted by NewGuy on April 12, 2006 12:19 PM
Get your facts straight whores.
#1 I gave Paris Herpes, who in turn gave herpes to Britney's baby
#2 I love all chicken regardless of its sex.
138. Posted by Feed_Me_Chocolate on April 12, 2006 12:27 PM
This is something that you would hire some 2-bit call girl to do-sing you a really bad birthday song, all the while acting coquettish and sexy, then get to the real business.
She's got millions. Why does she need to do this?
Oh, THAAAAAT's right.
She ENJOYS acting the whore.
139. Posted by Kfir on April 12, 2006 12:40 PM
Key qualifications for fame:
1)Daughter of a millionare
2)Sex clip on internet
If you apply to both of these criteria, you are an instant star.
140. Posted by solitaire on April 12, 2006 12:41 PM
thank you! thank you for posting this! Its so damn funny!! I especially like the
-eahs. How bloody embarassing!
141. Posted by delibird on April 12, 2006 12:47 PM
Marilyn Monroe this girl is not
142. Posted by honeycomb's_big_yeahyeahyeah on April 12, 2006 12:48 PM
If Paris Hilton eah-ing out Happy Birthday was the prelude to the evening's festivities, then in keeping with the tone the ensuing events would have to include a wet hair-weave contest, the "Rorschach Herpe Blot Guess'em" game (better than charades!) & finally someone taking a dump on Hef's smoking-jacketed chest.
143. Posted by MP$40 on April 12, 2006 12:56 PM
Insert gun...pull trigger!
144. Posted by Trotter on April 12, 2006 01:02 PM
142 - I heard it was Lindsay Lohan pooping rabbit pellets that smelled of Exlax onto Hef the whole while squealing, "Hit it Herbie! Hit it! Uh, I mean Heffie!"
That Rorschach Herpes Blot Game is hysterical.
145. Posted by Conductor71 on April 12, 2006 01:32 PM
aspiring Mark Chapmans take note:
a) Her name is Paris Hilton
b) She can be found anywhere where there is a red carpet, some photographers and several cocks
c) Guns are readily available if you have the cash
d) Two bullets really can change the world for the better if used wisely
146. Posted by MeganHarris on April 12, 2006 03:21 PM
Okay. Okay. I know I'm gonna get it this time. I still like her single "Screwed"
But yes, this was HORRIBLE. I can admit it.
147. Posted by Trotter on April 12, 2006 03:36 PM
145 - you mean one for her publicist and one for her gynecologist?
148. Posted by Nadira on April 12, 2006 04:50 PM
Do you care that she cannot sing? I mean she is really hot! And strangley enough I feel that maybe, being as she is singing to the founder of playboy, that is all she needed. Lets face facts beautiful people can get away with it. It sums up most stories in hollywood.
149. Posted by Conductor71 on April 12, 2006 05:59 PM
#147 - No, I mean one for each braincell
150. Posted by BrendaPayne on April 12, 2006 06:37 PM
For Paris Hilton, I'm pleasantly surprised. I'd even venture to say that this is the most 'talent' we've ever seen from Paris. Honestly, if you think of what she has offered to the world so far, this is Paris at her best. Ha.
151. Posted by Trotter on April 12, 2006 06:37 PM
Conductor, I was operating under the belief that she has no brain and cannot be killed by conventional methods. I figured if her publicist died she'd run out of food, and if her gynecologist died, her gigi-rot would take over her whole body and reduce her to compost.
Oops! She already IS compost. My bad.
152. Posted by bigponie on April 12, 2006 07:08 PM
I can't figure it out, was she "sucking or blowing" the words to happy b-day.
153. Posted by Trotter on April 12, 2006 07:22 PM
Is anyone else perplexed by the absence of applause in the video? I mean, I thought wherever Paris slimes around there would be plenty of clap.
154. Posted by uklady on April 12, 2006 08:17 PM
Anyone notice at beginning of clip the weird "uh" thing for pauses? She must have read about such a flourish in 'Singing for Dummies'
Off to the loo to upchuck now.
155. Posted by Star Maker Machinery on April 12, 2006 08:27 PM
Her throat must not be used to the absence of cock yet. That would explain her upchuck sounds at the end of each verse.
156. Posted by ESQ on April 12, 2006 08:28 PM
HEY "NEW GUY" GET:
1) A LIFE
2) A JOB
3) LAID
ALL IN THAT ORDER.
157. Posted by bunnyhugger on April 12, 2006 09:00 PM
aww, c'mon. new guy is fake!
or didn't you get the memo? lol
sid, (33), my new mac won't play it, either. and i am eternally grateful for that.
you know, i never realized hef had so much class.
compared to PH, that is.
blech.
158. Posted by Nichole on April 12, 2006 09:11 PM
#155...HAHAHAHAHAHHA
159. Posted by chickibecc on April 12, 2006 11:24 PM
This is one of the funniest and embarrassing things I've seen ... at least since the last time. Now my 8 & 10 yr olds are walking around the house punchuating their sentences with -urggh! Even they think she's a hoax!
160. Posted by xx.deathcab.xx on April 13, 2006 12:49 AM
Paris officially took the 'happy' out of 'happy birthday'.
Happy, Paris?!
161. Posted by mamacita on April 13, 2006 12:51 AM
@159
Just so I can make sure I'm clear on this......you were letting your 8 & 10 yr. olds watch the horror that is Paris singing in her underwear? Niiiice.
162. Posted by Morbida on April 13, 2006 12:53 AM
Ugh. I would really like to kick her in the teeth right about now.
163. Posted by ning_ning on April 13, 2006 01:01 AM
Paris pussy is Sooooo Hot is on F I R E!
164. Posted by BarryBonds on April 13, 2006 02:25 AM
#110 Your a slimy douchebag or just a rabid wild dog going around clubs humping the legs of every chick you see....Basically you are saying you would stick your dick in a diseased infested hole...maybe thats your style but not mine
165. Posted by uklady on April 13, 2006 03:35 AM
Will someone pls fill me in on the Mother Theresa reference? Please please tell me now that she hasn't drawn the comparison herself?!...
166. Posted by Realist2006 on April 13, 2006 07:10 AM
#148 Nadira, you need glasses...and probably psychiatric counselling!
There's nothing hot about Paris hilton, unless you count the sores on her crotch. No, wait...they're COLD sores!
167. Posted by JP on April 13, 2006 08:00 AM
She is sporting quite an impressive "gunt".
In all honesty, her album is being released very soon and I haven't been this excited about something that Paris is putting out since the release of her thesis on Degerative Molecular Abnormalities and Chromosomal Diseases. It was an in-depth and comprehensive study, fascinating really.
Bravo Paris!
168. Posted by mamacita on April 13, 2006 09:04 AM
@165
Paris is being scouted to possibly play the part of Mother Theresa in some Bollywood flick. See the following link
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060403/ennew_afp/afpentertainmentindiafilmparishilton_060403135629
P.S. There's this super awesome thing called a "search engine" and there's an especially popular one called a "Google", which is how I found that link. Amazing, I know!!!!
169. Posted by Chantelle83 on April 13, 2006 09:06 AM
Don't be dissing her tummy. I have a tummy like that and I worked hard for it!! And I bet all of you guys are members of the flat tummy brigade, huh??!!
OK now that i've ranted..
The bitch sings like a masturbating cat. But I'm glad she sang a cappella so everybody can see what a overrated skank she really is. The bitch is dumb. "You're 80, you look like you're 40 and act like you're 20". Inspirational!
170. Posted by Jacq on April 13, 2006 10:46 AM
#156 - Did you see #137 - Chicken fucker!
171. Posted by Royal_Hermione on April 13, 2006 11:06 AM
you guys are such idiots...like seriously...PARIS ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stop dissing her,shes done a hell lot more than u retards sitting here staring at her coz youve never touched a chick before.
at least she TRIES to sing.
anyway....about the video...i thought that video was very sweet. nice! and i only signed up to say that i like Paris and that vid. shes awesome,go P!
172. Posted by Libraesque on April 13, 2006 11:59 AM
Thanks LittleWatson so the 411, I like to think of myself as a total gossip whore, but the herpe thing slipped right by me!!!!
173. Posted by Libraesque on April 13, 2006 12:00 PM
Thanks LittleWatson for the 411, I like to think of myself as a total gossip whore, but the herpe thing slipped right by me!!!!
174. Posted by uklady on April 13, 2006 12:20 PM
Easy there #168. Calm yourself down tigre; easier to ask the question on this site than click away on Google and further non-informative sites. Maybe getting to the gym more would lessen your hostility Mamacita. Adios amiga
175. Posted by mamacita on April 13, 2006 12:40 PM
@174
So wait. You said it's "easier to ask the question on this site than click away on Google" and yet I am the one who needs to go to the gym? You're lame. Anyway, I like my hostility.
176. Posted by purplepuppy on April 13, 2006 01:53 PM
YIKES!
Hef is getting a preview of when he is sent to Hell for being a dirty old man.
As for Paris, Good Lord!! Would this c**t-bag just please go away. She is ridiculous. She has vast resources of money and status and doesn't use a single ounce of it to benefit the world in any way.
We're sick of her bleached out hair extentions, her "that's hot", her Pirates Of The Carribean themed slashed up outfit things, her thinking that she is sexy but she is just losery, her being rich = being important attitude, and her belief that she is some wild, crazy, bad-ass, out-there, rebel chick, when everything she does in her sex tape, most people do before breakfast.
Get in touch with reality woman! You're a moron. You've had your 15 minutes of fame. You need to move over so the next slut-du jour can have her drawn-out moment in the spotlight.
177. Posted by uklady on April 13, 2006 02:56 PM
Yup, it was easier to get your reply than google it (geez tho you're so right about that clever search engine thing). Glad you're comfy with hostility. BTW, have been to the gym and am not lame at all, just more chilled than you.
178. Posted by Spindoc on April 13, 2006 03:18 PM
Funny thing is, she is in her early 20's and currently has more sexually transmitted diseases than he does.
179. Posted by lana on April 13, 2006 03:46 PM
I dont know whether she sounds British or like she's gagging!! Why is she singing with a pretend British accent???
What makes it really sad and disturbing is that she probably actually thinks its really hot and that she was totally channelling Marilyn Monroe right then!!
Dirty skank! She makes Christina tryin to be Marilyn look classy! And when the f**k did we think that would happen?
180. Posted by Queen LaQueefah on April 13, 2006 03:51 PM
I was very sorry
181. Posted by Porcelyn on April 13, 2006 04:19 PM
For being a skinny ho, she has quite a belly, it looks like she has a treasure trail.
182. Posted by SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer! on April 14, 2006 10:37 AM
@29
good one!!!
oh yeah, and did she forget to sing
"happy beeethdeah....mr hefner.....and i have herpes too!" ???
heehee now my day is complete!!!
ugh, i heard she got booed off the stage in 2004 when she tried to sing something she entitled "Paris is Burning" .....rrrriiiggghhhtt.... funny how its ALWAYAS all about HER?? (PES) ;)!!!
183. Posted by SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer! on April 14, 2006 10:43 AM
PS 77--- that was a good one!! i think you said it all right there!
184. Posted by chanel_bear on April 15, 2006 01:12 AM
since when does the ability to put on underwear give you license to sing in public???
notice the pause with the stupid, i suppose she thought it was coy, smile as she tries to remember who she's singing to.....syphillis screws with your short term memory.
185. Posted by tits_on_snack on April 15, 2006 11:26 AM
wtf - that was horrible and embarassing and uncomfortable to even watch.
And yeah, she's a bone-rack but she has a beer gut. Nice.
186. Posted by dogmanyoyo on April 15, 2006 05:05 PM
Paris Hilton should be banned from doing anything that requires remote talent. She should stick to making sex tapes and leave it at that.
Instead she believes she's actually more than a 15 year olds fantasy and shallow high school girls idol and acknowledges herself as a natural born icon.
What was the "eh" crap beetween the words of the song? I'm sure Hefner nailed better girls than Paris on his worst day.
187. Posted by Conductor71 on April 16, 2006 12:05 PM
#186 - She shouldnt make sex tapes either, even that was boring!!!
188. Posted by Seamus Begonia Smell on April 16, 2006 11:14 PM
IMPLANTS
189. Posted by Seamus Begonia Smell on April 16, 2006 11:17 PM
IMPLANTS
190. Posted by Biga173rd on April 17, 2006 02:17 AM
Man i was dying of laughter i can actually hear crickets in the back ground going wtf was that gotdam look honey no applause. After watching her performance man i can't wait for her new album Suck you off now that's hot!! lol oh one more thing she's doing a hip hop reggeaton album this album is going to be going be hard forget ashanti and olivia her cums Paris!! lol
191. Posted by Heather05 on April 17, 2006 05:07 AM
Is she really going to make a cd? By the way, here's a puzzling question for *EVERYONE* If she's a billionaire, how come she can't either become a pop star or a singer? doesn't money makes you automatically talented?
*Hollywood just can't pull it off, your eaither a washed up whore or your playing the role of an innocent washed up whore. C'mon guys, Theirs no such thing as our DREAM innocent look, and hidden whore in the world.
192. Posted by Heather05 on April 17, 2006 05:28 AM
*either*
193. Posted by miss_molecule on April 20, 2006 02:36 PM
Hey, I actually LIKE Paris Hilton! She's a smart, business-saavy, respectable young lady, and...
Aww, hell, who am I kidding. She's just a disease-ridden whore. Which is good. Hopefully the STD's have so thoroughly destroyed her uterus that she'll never be able to conceive. Who ever thought that we'd be grateful for herpes??
194. Posted by champagne supernova on April 22, 2006 12:03 AM
omg. that was hideous. why is paris hilton famous? oh yes, thats right. because if anyone dared dispute her 'talent' theyd be attacked with the hundred billion people shes slept with and her teeny bopper worshippers. stds are a powerful weapon against innocent people like us who have to endure whorey 'multi talented' people with weird noses. i feel sorry for marylin monroe. now a skank with a voice thats been attacked by gonorrhea or something is trying to copy her. what has the world come to?
195. Posted by Scott Lahti on April 29, 2006 01:41 AM
It's revealing that the comment posters "got a good reason for taking the easy way out" in piling on La Hilton only - while saving the vulgarian patriarch who made the whole occasion possible for a few parenthetical asides about his being too old for the skank "lifestyle" he incarnates, as though he were any less a male Paris-Hilton-in-spirit *avant la lettre* from the moment (and well before that, no doubt, in spirit) he launched his empire at the outset of the Eisenhower interregnum...he does deserve credit, though, in affording one prominent occasion among thousands for many of us to travel Beyond Libertarianism over the years, as we found ourselves unable to remain agnostics in the cultural and ethical spheres toward those dime-store Diderots whose formal liberties in the market and in the courtroom we found ourselves defending while hoping, post-adjournment, that our sisters would grow up not to be Hiltons - or our brothers Hefners...
196. Posted by frassinetti on May 2, 2006 05:12 PM
I loved it. Its so, Kitch! It will make history! Bob Frassinetti