January 30, 2006
Kirsten Dunst looks like a stripper
According to the always insane National Enquirer, Kirsten Dunst was mistaken for a stripper and offered $500 to let an old man squirt whip cream on her body and lick it off.
Kitten-ish KIRSTEN DUNST, standing outside Chateau Marmont Hotel on Sunset waiting for her limo, recoiled in disgust as a Dirty Old Man slinked up beside her and whispered creepily: "I'll give you $500 if you'll let me squirt whipped cream on your body and lick it off!" Kirsten shrieked, "GROSS!" She immediately turned and walked away, but the guy skittered along behind her, whining, "Wait. What's the matter? I come to watch you dance every weekend!" Kirsten whirled and asked the 50-ish horn-dog what he was talking about — and discovered he'd confused her with a pole-grinding stripper from the famed Body Shop just down the street. "Wrong girl, guy," snapped Kirsten, hopping in her limo and speeding off.
There's so much wrong with this story that it can't even be legal. Like a judge would read through it two or three times, throw up, and then declare, "This is not legal. It is too gross to be legal."
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Comments
1. Posted by andrewthezeppo on January 30, 2006 04:17 PM
I'm gay so I'm not really an expert on female strip clubs. But correct me if I'm wrong: Aren't strippers generally attractive large breasted women? I didn't think that snagle-toothed trolls with the body of a 12 year old boy stripped that often.
2. Posted by ESQ on January 30, 2006 04:27 PM
I think this story did not happen by "The Body Shop" but it happened at the down-and-out strip club on Crackwhore Lane and Skankville in trailer park USA. We all know the one where the girls that work there are working to support their varied habits like drugs and unemployed loser boyfriends like K-Tard.
Seriously, that old man needs to sober up and go to a real strip club with real women. What was he thinking Snaggle-tooth was some hot piece of tail?
3. Posted by MortyFishbein on January 30, 2006 04:30 PM
Um, I've been to strip clubs plenty and there's a girl in there for every perv, really.
This guy obviously has a young girl fantasies. Young girls who somehow developed saggy breasts.
4. Posted by Devil Is Chrome on January 30, 2006 04:31 PM
OMG Andrew - you must visit your local strip club and see what strippers really look like.
To give you an idea, Courtney Love was a stripper - this is pre plastic surgery.
There's a picture of her somewhere on the pole, but I can't find it...
5. Posted by aura on January 30, 2006 04:33 PM
Not all female strippers have a huge chest, but I've never seen any strippers who somehow managed to simultaneously be flat chested and droopy breasted at the same time. The only logical explanation for this story is that the old man in question was an insane hobo.
6. Posted by SuperSpence on January 30, 2006 04:45 PM
Is The Body Shop some new strip club where tits are optional?
7. Posted by Tracy on January 30, 2006 04:56 PM
In some strip clubs, you're lucky if the strippers have more teeth than titties.
8. Posted by ferret1 on January 30, 2006 05:05 PM
Before jumping into the limo, Kirsten flashed her snaggletooth at the aggressor as her wrinkly sweatermeat drooped below her belly shirt. With that, the old man crawled into a nearby garbage can with a fifth of scotch to erase the horrific memory.
9. Posted by Spindoc on January 30, 2006 05:26 PM
Funny, when you step off Rodeo Drive you just look like any other whore with too much make-up and a tight dress. Get your teeth fixed!
10. Posted by HollyJ on January 30, 2006 06:44 PM
she is such a roundfaced Pumpkinhead
i still cant figure out what people see in her
11. Posted by HughJorganthethird on January 30, 2006 07:04 PM
I can see where buddy would be confused, I mean most strippers I know slide aroung town in limo's and stay at the Chateau Marmont when not busy giving 10$ lap dances to put food on the table for thier 3 kids.
Besides the thought of seeing Snagley grind the pole is almost enough to turn a straight man gay. Thank god for Jordan or my penis may have retreated back up inside of me for good.
12. Posted by Kelly on January 30, 2006 07:44 PM
WTF is she brgging about it? Unless she wants attention or it was Bruce Willis who made her the offer.
13. Posted by Average on January 30, 2006 09:43 PM
I think she is cute. Personally I'd rather see a snaggletooth than denture looking veneers.
The only problem I have with her is she cant act and she doesnt even try to. Whenever an actor she works with is asked about her they comment on her wonderful "natural acting ability".
You'd think with all the money she has she could afford a good acting coach. She is just another Sandra Bullock or Meg Ryan, if you like them as a person you watch their movies, because they are themselves in every one of them.
14. Posted by M@ce on January 30, 2006 10:01 PM
Those evil little demon teeth make my Willy weep in terror. Must be like getting oral from a wood-chipper.
Not that i've ever tried that of course...at least not again. Poor, poor little Willy.
15. Posted by hafaball on January 31, 2006 09:18 AM
That stripper must have some saggy boobs, cause Dunst has some....saggy boobs as well.. :o
16. Posted by Shaun on January 31, 2006 11:13 AM
I am sure the old man wanted to do more then simply squirt whip cream on her. If it was true. :D
17. Posted by A Nobody on February 15, 2006 11:22 AM
"10. Posted by HollyJ on January 30, 2006 06:44 PM
she is such a roundfaced Pumpkinhead
i still cant figure out what people see in her"
Her acting, dumbass! Duh. I know this is "superficial" but acting like an idiot isn't the point.
She's a bitch, by the way.