Jessica Alba wears bikinis to beaches

There are a couple of reasons why Jessica Alba is awesome. First of all is her ability to make other woman want to murder themselves because they look like a bag of feces compared to her. Secondly, despite the knowledge that half the world will masturbate to her photographs, she continually makes public appearances in bikinis that looks so good they make other women look like bags of feces. Oh, and did I mention that if you're not Jessica Alba you look like a bag of feces? Because you do. And it's gross.

Lindsay Lohan is a 50-year-old grandma

I'm glad Lindsay Lohan has officially decided that being attractive sucks. Girls could learn a thing or two from her and give up on that whole "looking good" thing. If you really want guys to like you, you should follow Lindsay's example and appear as weird and old as possible. I mean, who hasn't fantasized about making sweet delicious love to their own grandma? Don't even lie, man.

Angelina loves/shames her kids

Dangerously sexy usurper, Angelina Jolie, is speaking out about her love for her adopted children, and the struggle of adjusting them to a healthy Western catch-22.

Zahara "has gained 6 lbs. ... We are calling her chubby. She's, you know, she's just a totally different baby."

And with that: hello Chubby, welcome to America, Land of Opportunity. (You'll never be as beautiful as your mother.) Please, we embrace excess. Take what you want; eat as much as you want. (Until you're 13, then the party's over, sister-friend.) We have given you the gift of freedom, upward mobility, and a carte blanche for irresponsible celebrity hedonism. (Just remember that your mother has carte blanche to all your boyfriends. She stole that bitch Aniston's guy and she'll take yours too. All I'm saying is that when you and your boyfriend fool around, do it at his house.) The world is now your oyster, your carefree playground. Here, you can be whoever you want to be. (Photoshop is your best friend.) Nobody will judge you. (Seriously, the airbrush tool. Look into it.) And remember, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself. (Fatty fatty bobalatty.)

Thanks to the hauntingly beautiful and perceptive Treena, for pointing out that "Angelina is, you know, mean."

Trump thinks he’s Confucius

Trump addressed the students of his new online "university" - today's chumps, tomorrow's Trumps (AKA bankruptcy claimants, so, yeah, still chumps) - for the first time on Tuesday. Over 200 people, who paid $249 each (that's roughly $49,800 after evaded taxes), had the good fortune of hearing these gems:

"Property values won't sink as long as the dollar is weak and interest rates are low," he said.

But if home values do crash, "Then people like me would go in and buy like crazy," he said. "I know people who are going to New Orleans, who want to take advantage."

"I don't think it's a nice thing to do," he added.

He then continued: "You see what I did there? I didn't say I wouldn't do it. So don't think I won't. Because I will. Why? Because I'm gutsy, balsy, tough as nails, Trumpy. I'll Trump you, I'll Trump you out of the Trump. Trump, Trump. Everything I say is written in gold. Trumpidy TRUMP."

Britney Spears is a "hot mom" (her words)

For those of you who haven't heard the deafening sound of Jesus' violent sobs:

It's a boy! Us Weekly is the first media outlet in the world to report that Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center, according to hospital sources. Us was there as Spears, 23, and husband/aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, 27, arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side.

Hmm. An early birth, a secretive early-morning trip to the hospital, a C-section, a distinct possibility of having to lie together in a squalid marital bed with Kevin Federline to conceive a child naturally… She bought the kid on the black market! I totally called it. And I don't hold the crafty ruse against her. She got to get as fat as she wanted on a diet that may or may not have included Fabergé Twinkies. She got to dip into that Wal-Mart wedding directory she's been eyeing. And, best of all, she got to avoid Federline's awkward, drunken, and - let's face it - pretty stinky advances for at least a few months.

Really, the chances of this baby actually being her kid are about as good as Federline's chances of getting the word "aspiring" out of this or any of his future "job" titles.

Props to Jenna, Lindsey, Meaghan, and two Melissas for jumping on the story as soon as it broke. I hope to see you all soon in my pillow fight-related fantasies.

Browser issues

Is anybody having problems viewing the site in Netscape? I've gotten two or three complaints and I'm not sure if they're isolated cases or if the entire site just isn't friendly towards Mac browsers. I know it's working fine on PC's, but are there any Mac users out there having difficulties? Let me know either way.

*Update: Thanks for all the feedback. I just went through 3 gazillion emails saying it's working fine in Firefox, Camino, and Safari, so I'm only interested in IE and Netscape for Mac now. I've established that the site works fine in all other browsers, so you can stop writing in unless you're running IE or Netscape for Mac. This is what the site should look like just for reference.

Eva Longoria has pull

According to Page Six, Eva Longoria's boyfriend, Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs, is not too happy with what some French papers are saying about his girl (hint: it has something to do with sex or sex-related activities).

"The French tabloids are regurgitating a bunch of old interviews I gave a long time ago where I said I wouldn't mind dating several guys at once. So now they are printing: 'Eva cheats on Tony!' and Tony is so upset he offered to call the mayor of Paris who knows the tabloid people to try and stop it. He just wants to protect me."

I don't know if the mayor of Paris actually has the ability to make the tabloids shut up, but if he does, that would make him some sort of super-virile God. And that? Is very confusing for me. Here I have an article about Eva Longoria who's both hot and - if ABC is to be believed - desperate, and that's everything I've ever wanted in a woman. Yet I'm fantasizing about a Parisian mayor who I assume is an overweight bald man with a baret and a pornstache. But... you know what, damnit? The heart wants what it wants. He's ridiculously powerful and we're in love and I regret nothing.

Steve Martin has a trim, girlish figure

Normally, I'd be more than glad to ruthlessly mock even the slightest celebrity weight gain (usually while eating a whole ham with my bare hands and trying to escape the encroaching realization that no one will ever love me), but this I do not approve of:

Never mind entertainment writer Jeffrey Wells' weekend tweak that "Martin is looking older and puffier than I'd prefer" in the movie. In real life, the actor-funnyman is newly svelte and fit.

You just don't make fun of Steve Martin, Mr. Wells. Steve Martin is like everyone's Hollywood dad. Even if he were morbidly obese, to call the man who sang King Tut "fat" would be like saying Allison Janney "looks odd" or that Alec Baldwin "has a violent temper." They are still awesome and you are not. And though what you say may be true, nobody will take kindly to you saying it. Least of all me. And I have about 200 pounds of ham in my crawl space, and I'm not above pummelling you with it. And if in all the delicious confusion, I were to mistake you for a rump and take a chunk out of your thigh, you'll only have yourself to blame.

Mischa Barton is an ungrateful child

I'm pretty sure that Mischa Barton, who plays a mumbling wooden plank on "The OC," has been suffering from glaucoma for the past several years. I don't think there's any other way to justify showing up to publicity events wearing the potato sacks and shin guards she wears. But apparently she's gotten herself fixed, come to her senses, and started pointing fingers.

THE OC star MISCHA BARTON credits her "cool" mother with turning her into a style icon, because she instinctively knows what will flatter her daughter.

You're making your mother take the fall for this? Your own mother, Mischa? Real life isn't like "The OC," you know. You can't selfishly put your family members in mortal danger and expect them to be saved in a contrived, last-minute sweeps stunt that somehow involves Modest Mouse. The Getty Images people are seriously going to come to her house with pitchforks and torches and demand she compensate them for three years worth of wasted space. And not even Modest Mouse and their indie cred will be able to save her from their wrath.

Elle Macpherson is the queen of fashion

Elle Macpherson upstaged the hostess of a chichi Toronto Film Festival bash by wearing the same dress as the socialite to the party in honor of designer Michael Kors. Hilary Weston, whose husband, Galen, is Canada's second richest man, reportedly looked aghast when the Aussie supermodel arrived in an identical Michael Kors frock. "Hilary had a tantrum. Nobody could get her to pose for pictures with Elle." [NYPost]

If Elle Macpherson showed up in the same dress as me I'd be thrilled. But that's because I only wear see-through dresses with very sexy lingerie underneath. I'm one sexy kitten. I also get thrown out of a lot of nice places.