September 15, 2005

Britney Spears is a "hot mom" (her words)

For those of you who haven't heard the deafening sound of Jesus' violent sobs:

It's a boy! Us Weekly is the first media outlet in the world to report that Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center, according to hospital sources. Us was there as Spears, 23, and husband/aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, 27, arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side.

Hmm. An early birth, a secretive early-morning trip to the hospital, a C-section, a distinct possibility of having to lie together in a squalid marital bed with Kevin Federline to conceive a child naturally… She bought the kid on the black market! I totally called it. And I don't hold the crafty ruse against her. She got to get as fat as she wanted on a diet that may or may not have included Fabergé Twinkies. She got to dip into that Wal-Mart wedding directory she's been eyeing. And, best of all, she got to avoid Federline's awkward, drunken, and - let's face it - pretty stinky advances for at least a few months.

Really, the chances of this baby actually being her kid are about as good as Federline's chances of getting the word "aspiring" out of this or any of his future "job" titles.

Props to Jenna, Lindsey, Meaghan, and two Melissas for jumping on the story as soon as it broke. I hope to see you all soon in my pillow fight-related fantasies.

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