April 01, 2005

the Superficial News

The Superficial News is my favorite kind of post cause it looks like I’ve done something when all I’ve really done is post some links and pass on unfounded internet conjecture. Yea laziness!

James Bond 21- almost all recent reports have had Layer Cake star Daniel Craig and 'Nip/Tuck' star Julian McMahon as the final two names on the list to replace Pierce Brosnan in the upcoming remake of 'Casino Royale'. But in a rare showing of common sense in Hollywood, it now appears to be set for Clive Owen, and even he is beginning to hint as much.

And if you any doubt that Clive is the best choice, click here.

Wonder Woman - Completely unconfirmed internet reports have ‘Lost’ star Evangeline Lilly in the lead to play Wonder Woman in the full length feature. My penis and I heartily endorse this selection.

Fantastic Four - The ShoWest trailer for 'the Fantastic Four' is finally available in a variety of high-res formats. The effects look pretty damn good here, they hold up nicely under closer scrutiny, especially Things makeup and Torch’s ‘flame up.’ I am mildly worried that a 2 minute trailer has 4 different action scenes where people fall over the side of a building. Doesn’t fill me with a lot of confidence in regards to director Tim Story’s creativity. Last I checked, awareness of gravity doesn’t make you a filmmaker.

X-Men 3 - Layer Cake director Matthew Vaughn has officially signed on the line that is dotted to direct the third 'X-Men' movie. I haven’t seen 'Layer Cake' but it really doesnt matter because I would rather watch a sex-change surgery than another Bryan Singer directed 'X-Men'.

I can’t be the only one who hated those movies. Actually the first one was okay until it completely fell apart at the end of the second act. “Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else,” is hands down the worst line ever written in any context by anyone anywhere. El Diablo in snuff films from South America has better dialogue.

And am I the only one who noticed that the big climactic fight scene in the end featured the X-Men standing around talking, one by one trying one thing to stop Magneto, then giving up when that one thing didn’t work. It’s not a fuckin deli counter, it’s a mutant war, step in there and blow some shit up. And 'X-Men 2' was even worse. Only Hollywood could be so comically out of touch with the American public that they would feature a movie where the US Military - special op’s no less - is butchered by Wolverine. Last I checked, politics aside, people here liked the military, or at least respected their sacrifice. Way to go there Hollywood. Maybe you could make a movie that says fuck you to sunshine and bunnies too.

Anyway, I’ll just wrap it up by mentioning that anyone who got that ‘sign on the line that is dotted’ quote is eternally on my cool list. “You think I’m fuckin with you. I am not fuckin with you.”

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