March 30, 2005

Wilmer hooks up with Lindsay

“Then, on Friday night, according to a source, (Lindsay Lohan) showed up at actor Wilmer Valderrama's hotel ‘very late’ after stops at Marquee and Duvet. ‘They hooked up,’ said a friend.”

I’m all man. I’m also adorable and a sucker for compliments, so I’m terrified that Wilmer Valderrama is going to come on to me, cause apparently the greased up bastard is irresistible. After running through Lindsay a first time, then Mandy Moore, then Eva Longoria, then a newly hot Ashlee Simpson, he got a late night phone call from a presumably drunk Lindsay Lohan, who I assume constantly smells like coconut. The conversation reportedly only took a few minutes, and since dignity, chastity and a negative test from the lab were never mentioned, that sounds about right.

I just hope he doesn’t treat me like some piece of meat. As a bigtime internet sex symbol, I get that all the time. Supermodels coming at me, saying please, can I give you oral sex, constantly pawing at my genitalia, objectifying me. All the while I'm trying to tell them that I have a personality, that I have a voice and a gentle heart, but all they want to do is put me in something slinky and watch me walk across the room. Damn these chiseled good looks! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

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