February 25, 2005

Zeta-Jones receives Hasty Pudding Award

It would appear those randy lads at the Harvard University Hasty Pudding Theatricals honored the best in the field of entertainment again this week … and … they …

Why, wait just one second … that’s a gentleman on the stage! In a dress! Well I never! The outrageousness of their ribald comedy has caused my top hat to leap from my head and my monocle to pop from my eye! A man! Dressed as a lady! Scandalous though it may be, I cannot help but laugh! What will those devilish rouges think of next!

Ok, seriously … what the fuck. I’m sick to death of hearing about the comedy geniuses at Harvard. It’s one of those sick fuckin rumors that people just keep hearing and no one really knows any different so they just assume it’s true. It’s not. They’re awful. And what’s worse is that insanely beautiful but easily tricked women like Catherine Zeta-Jones feel compelled to go and put up with their painfully unfunny crap year after year.

Follow me after the jump and I’ll prove it.

Ok, to prove how easy it is to write the kind of crap they consider brilliant and cutting edge, let’s play a game. Below are three bits of “comedy”. Two are from the front page of the Harvard Lampoon website. One I wrote in about 30 seconds while watching SportsCenter, downloading porn and getting screamed at by my girlfriend for watching SportsCenter and downloading porn. Try to guess which is which. And while you're cringing at the unfunniness, know that they refer to this as a "classic gem." The title of this bawdy tom-foolery is "Confuse an Elderly Person Every Time." (My goodness, they don’t care whose toes they step on!)

here we go :

number 1

What you do: Take your grandmother to the zoo.
Grandma: (admiring the ducks) 'My, such lovely creatures...'
You: 'Can I have five bucks Grandma? I wanna go get a microdonkey.'

number 2

What you do: Ask your grandmother what year she was born.
Grandma: '1914.'
You: 'Wow ... so you were alive when Jethro Tull was president!'

number 3

What you do: Take your grandmother to a basketball game.
Grandma: ‘Which team are we cheering for?’
You: ‘Cheering? Oh no, Grandma, this isn’t a game, it’s an auction.’

Any luck? Care to guess? Okay, I wrote the third one. Anyone could write this crap, it takes no talent whatsoever, but if you do it on the staff of the Lampoon, I'm supposed to believe you're a damn genius.

To be honest, it took a little longer than I thought cause for a while, I just closed my eyes and banged my head against the keyboard, but I still kept coming up with funnier stuff than they did. Honest to God, tttttttttttttttjjjjjjjjjjjjjjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooo is funnier than anything they’ve written in ten years.

And this, in a microcosm, is why Hollywood sucks. Geniuses like Louis CK and Brian Regan languish in near anonymity while idiots like this are handed jobs on SNL and the Simpson’s, based on reputations they never earned, based on funny things they’ve never said. People like those two jackasses who aren’t fooling anyone on Best Week Ever. If I had to choose between listening to those idiots prattle on or an alarm clock that punches me in the balls every morning, I would at least try to get used to sleeping in a suit of armor.

And I know Conan O'Brien is a Harvard guy. And I think he’s great. But so the hell what, Ashton Kutcher and his twin brother are from the same place too, I don’t see supermodels lining up to train the brother just because of that. Once again, supermodels could show us the way, if only we would listen.

So, in summation, Harvard comedy sucks. And Louis CK is brilliant. And God has a pretty sick sense of humor for doing that to Michael Kutcher.

*Note - I realize that Catherine is sweating pretty bad in those pictures, but let's see you sit through four hours of doughy nerds pawing all over you and making unfunny jokes, see how comfortable you are.

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